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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I slapped DP while drunk.

156 replies

Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 19:17

I'm horribly ashamed. It's a terrible thing to do and nobody deserved that, certainly not him.

I took the decision to end the relationship at that point - as I believe he can do better than that.

I don't drink very often, certainly not an alcoholic. I'm a laid-back pacifist most of the time, as is he.

He is heart broken that I ended it, I'm missing him like crazy. I can't sleep.

Did I do the right thing or am I just being a martyr? Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 20:10

Bump.

OP posts:
HotCrossPun · 08/04/2013 20:13

Do you have DC's?

What lead up to the slapping?

Quak · 08/04/2013 20:13

Are you saying you ended the relationship based on that one incident? Or are there other things that have brought you to this point?

Strangemagic · 08/04/2013 20:14

Why did you hit him,I'm sorry you are so upset.

UnChartered · 08/04/2013 20:14

something within you made you slap him, despite your being a self-confessed laid-back pacifist

until you find out why you slapped him and find a way of never having this happen again, yes you are right to end it with him

domoarigato · 08/04/2013 20:14

Was it an accident? If he's gutted then he probably knows you didn't mean it... or did you? DV works both ways... are you scared you might do it again, is that why you broke up with him?

Original poster
Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 20:15

No idea. Apparently I wasn't making any sense. I also blacked out.

No DC's.

Just this incident, every thing else was great.

OP posts:
MiniPenguinMaker · 08/04/2013 20:18

I agree that it's unacceptable behaviour and that your partner deserves better. But I'm a little surprised that you went so far as to end things completely. Could you not try to be a better partner by addressing the root of the problem here? Do you think it is the alcohol? Or that you have not been good at managing your anger in a more appropriate way?

I think you are right to feel bad and to address the issue. If you both miss each other so much, though, I just wonder whether you could consider working on the problem rather than ending the relationship?

NotSoNervous · 08/04/2013 20:20

Did you just randomly slap him? I think there's more to the story then what your telling.

If everything as perfect before and you were both happy and after this he is willing to forgive you and move on then I think you should be grateful and give your relationship another go

MothershipG · 08/04/2013 20:25

I apologise in advance if I'm wrong, but is this a relationship version of a reverse AIBU?

I don't have personal experience but isn't the general advice that you should seek help while separated and only consider reconciliation once you have resolved why you were violent?

Original poster
Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 20:26

I think he was try maneuver me to go to bed, so to speak.

OP posts:
pamelat · 08/04/2013 20:32

How long have you been together? Had this happened before, maybe with an ex?

Alcohol can be a demon

It's right to feel terrible but I'm not sure that ending it was necessary if he's happy to stay, work out what went wrong?

NMercury · 08/04/2013 20:42

If you can't remember it and you blacked out - you had too much to drink. And how often is "I don't drink very often". Have a serious think about your drinking and how it is affecting yourself and others - drink becomes a problem when it affects another aspect of your life, a criteria that this situation has met.
DV is never excusable - but by the sounds of it you are truly remorseful. If you and he really wish to make a go of it and it really was a one off then ask to meet somewhere neutral and quiet - a coffee shop with a quiet corner would be perfect.

Then talk - figure out what happened and why. Until you know exactly what happened and how you both feel you will be wondering and 20 years down the line you could still be trying to figure out where you went wrong and what could have been.

Even if you decide to stay apart, at least you will have cleared the air and know what not to do next time.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/04/2013 20:49

Well, if you take responsibility for your own behaviour and change the possibility of future behaviour by not being drunk you could resume your relationship.

Your partner of course is under no obligation to take you about and they could contact the police about the assault.

defineme · 08/04/2013 20:50

In terms of the slap was it a flailing around, thinking you were under attack, drunk nonsense (I'm basing this on dim memories of pissed mates when I was a student 20 years ago) or was it a slap that left a bruise/combined with specific insults?

Why did you get that drunk? What was the occasion? Are you under a lot of stress? Are you worried about anything?
When was the last time you got drunk before this?
How many units do you have in an average week?

Original poster
Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 21:04

I got that drunk I think because my job has suddenly become very stressful. That's not an excuse.

If nothing else, this thread has confirmed that I did exactly the right thing. He's a wonderful man deserves better. It's so sad though.

OP posts:
defineme · 08/04/2013 21:10

I think you're being immature frankly and cruel to your dh. It's very dramatic to say that's it the end of everything. How about 'I value our marriage and undertake a vow to seek help for alchol/anger/counselling to handlle stress.If you see me drink again feel free to leave.'
Are you usually this dramatic or is it the stress of your job?
Are you depressed/anxious?

TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2013 21:15

this literally sounds like a one off.

Yes, you just shouldn't get that drunk generally if you don't want to behave like a bit of an idiot but

If you treat him well besides this, you both respect each other & you have a functional relationship in general besides this incident then it's quite the jump to end things altogether & overall much crueler to your DH.

I don't mean to upset you further but it does sound a bit odd, as far as reactions go, when there are lots of ways to deal with it (i.e not drinking, getting help if you need it for emotional issues).

You're not annoyed with your DH about anything else are you?
This isn't some weird form of punishment or because you're feeling low?

Alambil · 08/04/2013 21:16

interesting replies.

I wonder if it'd be the same if the OP was "DH slapped me last night for no reason - he was plastered and blacked out shortly after"

You were right to leave. Anyone who resorts to violence should leave and get help. It's probably a good thing this happened before DC arrived.

TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2013 21:17

(I would probably leave if I felt there was even a slight chance it would happen again to be honest, as it's a line that should not be crossed twice, or once really)

Original poster
Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 21:19

I blacked out before - I have no memory of this at all.

Lewis, good point about the gender issue.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2013 21:20

I'm gonna get flamed for saying this but it does sound a little fishy. It's a strange thing to do, even when drunk. Most people still wouldn't/haven't & it's hard to know if this is as 100% innocent as it sounds when it's from the the side of the person who's done it. Sorry

TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2013 21:21

^ I only point that out because if the tables were turned I'm sure people would tell your Dh to leave.

It is just such a bad thing.

aurynne · 08/04/2013 21:24

Wouldn't the first line of action be to stop drinking? Just saying...

defineme · 08/04/2013 21:25

I think that's what she did get Lewisfan and she's already left him... I was simply trying to suggest that abstinence, counselling and getting to the bottom of the problem might save the situation.

I think suggesting that there is no hope of redemption for the op is untrue.

I do think the op,as she asks herself, is being a martyr, rather than being constructive and trying to move forward.

Do I think one slap is the beginning of the end? Not necessarily if a lot of hard life changing work is put in. Do I think everyone who reads this will agree with me-of course not, and I don't think I would if I'd had half the experience of abuse that some people have. Doesn't mean my opinion or optimism isn't valid.