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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I slapped DP while drunk.

156 replies

Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 19:17

I'm horribly ashamed. It's a terrible thing to do and nobody deserved that, certainly not him.

I took the decision to end the relationship at that point - as I believe he can do better than that.

I don't drink very often, certainly not an alcoholic. I'm a laid-back pacifist most of the time, as is he.

He is heart broken that I ended it, I'm missing him like crazy. I can't sleep.

Did I do the right thing or am I just being a martyr? Help!

OP posts:
jasmineramsden · 09/04/2013 22:14

Also I'm not sure that counselling would help you in not doing this again OP, as has been suggested. You did this in a drunken fog. Stupid, yes. Wrong-yes. Take this as a lesson learned in terms of what can happen when under the influence of too much alcohol. If I were you I would apologise to your partner, explain how awful you feel at what you've done and you will do whatever it takes not to allow this to happen again. And not drinking would be a start. If it ever does happen again and you lash out at him physically, that's the time to leave. Learn from your mistake and take no bloody notice of narrow minded posters telling you to leave. Make things right with your other partner. We can't know everything from your post but you sound like a gentle, remorseful person.
I'm astounded at the naievety and ignorance on this thread. Good luck OP.

jasmineramsden · 09/04/2013 22:15

Other half, not other partner

scottishmummy · 09/04/2013 22:19

I see all apologists piling in,and minimising because op woman
had op been male there would be no ach one wee slap
IMO one accepts inappropriate unwarranted physical contact is wrong,without minimizing action based on gender

Fleecyslippers · 09/04/2013 22:20

The number of DV apologists on this thread is sickening. And depressing. It's scary to think that many of you have children with who you will be sharing the ideology that violence within a relationship is okay, especially if it's a woman hitting a man.

poppylemons · 09/04/2013 22:27

isolated incident, totally different kettle of fish

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 09/04/2013 22:30

DV ApologistsHmm

OK OP. Leave your partner. Have a nice life.

But please try to ignore people bracketing you with anyone responsible for DV.

Because you are not.

poppylemons · 09/04/2013 22:30

fleecy, attacking other posters re raising their children! None of us who disagree with YOU have said that violence is okay. Please read our posts properly.

scottishmummy · 09/04/2013 22:32

Really so man hits woman isolated incident,is that ok
fishy Is the elaborate semantics to minimize op actions
Had woman posted man hit her there'd be no ach he good gentle man,och never mind

Toasttoppers · 09/04/2013 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fleecyslippers · 09/04/2013 22:39

You've just said that violence is okay if you have a nice chat about it all and stay off the wine.
Sickening.
I commend the OP for recognising that this is a huge and significant issue and leaving

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 09/04/2013 22:40

And what does that, while awful for you Toast, have to do with the OP?

Xales · 09/04/2013 22:42

People can hazard guesses at why you did this however until you get to the bottom of why you did I think you staying away from the drink and giving your relationship space is a good idea.

If it was some trigger from your past then perhaps you need some help to resolve any underlying issues.

If it was because you can't handle your drink perhaps you need to stay away from drink.

If there was another reason it is better to find it out for yourself and your future with or without this partner.

Your relationship doesn't have to end if you can find out why and resolve it. You seem to want to do that so good luck and I hope everything works out.

poppylemons · 09/04/2013 22:47

Nope, said it was not okay and not to be repeated and not to drink again. But in context, and if not repeated, an isolated incident committed whilst drunk while her OH was trying to drag her into her bed while she didn't want to, something to giggle about in future.

Sorry but it IS different because she is female - no physical harm caused, very much doubt her OH will now live in fear of her. And the context is everything in this situation.

fleecy I find your posts to OP equally sickening. You talk as if she DOES come home every night pissed slapping him about.

jasmineramsden · 09/04/2013 22:48

Wow. Can you not read, fleecy?
Can you please point out where one of the so called DV apologists are saying its OKAY?
No one said that. The consensus is its wrong what the OP did. There is a world of difference between someone in a sustained abusive situation and the OP stupidly slapping her partner when very drunk and being completely remorseful about it.

jasmineramsden · 09/04/2013 22:49

Exactly Poppy x

poppylemons · 09/04/2013 22:51

Find your attack on us 'raising our children with idea that violence is okay in relationships' really crap and uncalled for.

scottishmummy · 09/04/2013 22:52

Make sure when woman posts man slaps her you wish them well
Next time woman posts man hits her reassure her it's not the end
This is classic mn double standards.all menz hit=git.woman hits ach dinnae worry

Fleecyslippers · 09/04/2013 22:55

Your starter for 5 :

'but like things said as long as it's an isolated incident it's almost something to have a giggle about in the long run'

ROFLMAO Hmm

Incidentally, how long does the OP need to refrain from hitting her partner again before it's considered to be an isolated incident ? 6 months ? A year ? 20 years ? Can you have a giggle in a weeks time or would it be better to wait for a year ?

MN has a long, long way to go before people demonstrate a real awareness and understanding of the nature and impact of domestic violence.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 09/04/2013 23:00

Personally, I would have a giggle the very next morning when my partner awoke with the hangover from hell.

I fail to see how, in any meaningful sense, what the OP describes constitutes DV.

Intent is everything.

jasmineramsden · 09/04/2013 23:00

If she had battered him, that's a different ball game. She didn't.
My partner is a bodybuilder and a very strong man at least double my weight. If he hit me he'd probably put me in hospital. If I hit him he'd probably laugh at me and walk away. If I was a lot bigger than him and our sizes were reversed, that would be worse of me to hit him. ALL VIOLENCE IS WRONG, PERIOD. But there is context and some things are simply not worth throwing a whole relationship away over.

jasmineramsden · 09/04/2013 23:03

That should say, MORE wrong of me to hit him. There are degrees. All violence-very bad. Not all isolated incidents however equal a domestically abusive situation where the partner should run for the hills.

poppylemons · 09/04/2013 23:08

scottish - even you are assuming a difference between men and women in this situation. Notice how you say 'woman slaps' / 'man hits' (not my words, yours)

Okay, so lets say OP is a man.

In his previous relationship he was a victim of physical Domestic Violence.
He barely drinks and hasn't been violent himself before. But one night on a rare occasion he gets very drunk, his girlfriend tries to pull and push him into his bed to sleep it off. He doesn't want to go to bed and he slaps her.

He remembers none of it the next morning, she tells him, he decides to leave as he is so ashamed and guilt ridden. She is heartbroken and wants him to come back.

Because he himself has been the victim of domestic violence he is absolutely tormented by the fact that he has put his girlfriend through what he went through and is terrified that he is just like his previous attacker, his ex who abused him.

I would say, the ONLY difference regarding gender -
he would have more reason to feel guilty than a female perhaps because he WOULD have caused her pain and perhaps lasting damage, at least a bruise, because he has the strength of a man. His strength and potential to cause her damage is an immediate huge cause for concern.

It WOULDN'T be something they would giggle about in the future because he had caused her actual physical harm.

That is the gender difference.

However,
JUST LIKE OP - It would not be okay, he should never do it again, certainly never drink again - and his girlfriend should sure as hell walk out on him/he should leave if he did it again; then he should seek counselling. - this is the same advice some of us have given to the female OP, no?

If it was a man posting, he would get flamed, just like op has, but I think the context of this situation means even if she were male some of us would come on here and try and examine the actual context rather than jumping to black and white DV comments.

AmberLeaf · 09/04/2013 23:14

Wow at posters trying to understand why the OP hit her partner, what in her past could have driven her to it...

No way would a man posting this be given such understanding.

As for 'it is different because she is female' well a friend of my Dads had a wife that used to hit him, she was about a size 8, he wasn't massive, but was ex army and no soft touch, yes her slaps didn't do much damage.

So she stabbed him in the stomach and then stopped him from getting medical attention.

scottishmummy · 09/04/2013 23:18

Knock yourself out with nitpicking semantics,to minimize hitting her op
Even bold conversation to highlight ideological differences - Anything
Other than condemn unwarranted,unnecessary physical act cause op female

poppylemons · 09/04/2013 23:20

FGS stop comparing OP's situation to ACTUAL cases of domestic violence committed by women. We all know women can be and are the perpetrators of domestic violence - about 40% actually!

OP is not comparable to your friend of a friend of a friend who was domestically abusing and then killed her DH.

It's all black and white to you people isn't it!?