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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I slapped DP while drunk.

156 replies

Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 19:17

I'm horribly ashamed. It's a terrible thing to do and nobody deserved that, certainly not him.

I took the decision to end the relationship at that point - as I believe he can do better than that.

I don't drink very often, certainly not an alcoholic. I'm a laid-back pacifist most of the time, as is he.

He is heart broken that I ended it, I'm missing him like crazy. I can't sleep.

Did I do the right thing or am I just being a martyr? Help!

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 09/04/2013 08:10

Sorry manouevre

What I'm trying to work out is did you just slap him or were you trying to push him off as he was trying to get you into bed.

Obviously slapping is awful but just trying to work out the context.

DaemonPantalaemon · 09/04/2013 08:15

Come on people, this is a man pretending to be a woman simply to expose your bias. Stop feeding the trolls.

jasmineramsden · 09/04/2013 09:06

This thread is utterly ridiculous. Slap your partner (massive mistake,yes) then leave him??? Not even trying to put things right? And people here are saying you've done the right thing. Utter nonsense. Martyrdom at his finest. If that's how easily you can walk away without fighting to make your relationship work then yes maybe your dh deserves better. Some of these responses are absurd.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 09/04/2013 09:49

What Daemon said.

AmberLeaf · 09/04/2013 09:56

Because men are never victims of domestic violence?

Even if this is a man pretending to be a woman to expose bias, wasn't that hard was it?

Original poster
Qwerty69 · 09/04/2013 12:08

I'm very definitely not a troll, nor is this a reverse thread and I'm not a man either. All of the above was true. What happened was that he was try to get me to go to bed, holding my arms and pulling. I lost the plot and slapped him. No idea why, I have no memory of it. Booze wise, I probably go through about a bottle of wine a month normally - if that.

OP posts:
ExRatty · 09/04/2013 12:14

I did something similar once
I tried to strangle my H as he was being an arse and I was utterly, utterly exhausted
One minute he was saying something and the next my hands were around his actual throat.
I feel sick even saying so.

I had a great deal of personal therapy over it and worked it all out. It was devastating.
I hope you and your partner are able to sort your way through it.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 09/04/2013 12:19

Op you are right to leave.

Maybe when you have sorted yourself out it might work again, but I'd say if it was a man that he'd be better to leave his partner alone, so Id be a massive fuck off hypocrite if I didnt say the same to you.

There is no excuse for DV. None.

DaemonPantalaemon · 09/04/2013 12:20

If indeed you are genuine, then you need to stop the self-pity party, and ask your man how he feels about it.

Self-flagellation is very middle ages. And it was only for monks.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/04/2013 17:26

Drink can be evil and make people do things they would never normally consider.
You need to talk to your DP and see what he thinks about this.
It's a one off (I know it's not right) but it seems a lot to throw away if you can work your way through this.
Good luck!

poppylemons · 09/04/2013 20:42

OP do not listen to ridiculous posters 'you are right to leave, he is better off without. no excuse for domestic violence' - what a crock of s**t.

It was a one off, sounds like he pulled your arm too hard or whatever, you weren't in your normal state of mind, you barely drink anyway and will now be very cautious about doing so.

If you were coming home every night drunk slapping him about then yes, there's a problem and he deserves better. But to leave him because you feel he is better off without is crazy, please don't torment yourself over this and do not listen to posters claiming you were right to leave him. Absolutely ridiculous!

Original poster
Qwerty69 · 09/04/2013 20:57

I'd love to try and work it out. Missing him is like having a knot in my stomach. However, i'm too horrified and ashamed of it all. He might not even want too, that would hurt.

I'm a wimp.

OP posts:
ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 09/04/2013 21:19

Talk to him, OP.
Your post is pretty odd, TBH.
If my partner slapped me under the circumstances you described, I'd probably be more inclined to have a giggle. I'd be REALLY confused if she then ended our relationship. Confused

monkeycrzy · 09/04/2013 21:26

I don't get this. When a person comes on here saying male DP hit her; there is never any reply except ... leave him and call the police.

When it is the other way around, OP is defended. I don't understand the difference tbh :(

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 09/04/2013 21:36

Monkey, I know what you mean, but

And I will probably get flamed for this..........

I don't think they are comparable in some cases

If my DP slapped me, lashed out, while I was trying to put her to bed, I would genuinely find it funny, if there was no unpleasant intent IYSWIM.

The difference is that she would be extremely unlikely to hurt me.

If I did it to her, I could hurt her.

In the absence of malice, the consequences are not comparable.

AmberLeaf · 09/04/2013 21:44

So a woman couldn't hurt a man with a slap?

Is it any wonder men who are domestically abused by their female partner find reporting it so hard, cos they must be real wimps to be hurt by a woman?

FTR, I know I could hurt a man, not all women are 8 stone teenies! I am tall and strong and if I were that way inclined I could hurt a man.

Its not all about physical damage anyway, it is the disrespect.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 09/04/2013 21:47

Amberleaf, I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about me. I am not sure how much disrespect is implied by the OP.

monkeycrzy · 09/04/2013 21:48

I have not actually read the whole thread properly and meant my comment to be more general.

I had a female friend who used to goad her boyfriend constantly, get him into a corner, put her face up to his and screamed at him. She hit him on occasions, he never retaliated except one night when she was hitting him badly and he hit her back.

He was arrested and charged with DV. I just think DV against men get's glossed over as 'not being that bad'.

jasmineramsden · 09/04/2013 21:50

Its about the context. Come on, to leave a relationship because ONCE when intoxicated one partner has hit the other ONCE?? Totally disagree that this equates to a physically abusive relationship whereby one partner is repeatedly abusing the other physically and mentally. Utter bollocks.
Its wrong what the OP did, no doubt. But one mistake does not make her a physically violent character. Lets get a bit of perspective, jesus. All you saying she should leave, must all be whiter than white and its very sad to walk away from an otherwise strong relationship over this.
If I ever slapped my partner during a drunken, one off, stupid scuffle then finished with him the next day because of it, he would think I had gone stark staring mad.
Hmmmmm- totally agree with you.

LemonPeculiarJones · 09/04/2013 21:50

Your H was pulling you by the arms forcibly to try to make you go to bed. Perhaps in your drunken state this triggered a memory of the DV you suffered in your previous relationship?

I'm in no way excusing the slap, but he was dealing with the situation by exerting physical force first, it seems.

LemonPeculiarJones · 09/04/2013 21:52

Whose account of the relationship was that monkey, the woman or the man's?

poppylemons · 09/04/2013 22:02

Qwerty please listen to things that make. Have discussed this with my OH and he had exact same response. He insisted I post to tell you not to listen to 'you were right to leave' posts.

The context of this isolated incident means it is not what it's being made out to be by you or these posters.

The fact you feel SO guilty about it when a lot wouldn't (woman, drunk, slaps boyfriend when he tries to put her to bed...not something to be repeated... but like things said as long as it's an isolated incident it's almost something to have a giggle about in the long run) I'm sure means you will never be doing it again.

And I'm sorry but in this case which seems an isolated incident - there IS a difference because you are female. What things said.

Please talk to him Qwerty. You say he is gutted you have left. Don't drink again (although you say you barely drink anyway), don't do it again, make it clear how seriously you regard what you did (which must be obvious to him already) - but don't chuck the relationship away for something which wont happen again and which when taken into context is not a black and white case of malicious domestic violence.

Original poster
Qwerty69 · 09/04/2013 22:05

Certainly no malice, he's the sweetest man I've ever met.

I do agree however, that domestic violence is totally unacceptable regardless of the gender of any of the parties involved. I once had a partner who broke my bones and tried to strangle me. It's the total betrayal of trust, humiliation and disrespect that hurts more than the physical injuries. I certainly didn't cause any physical injury at all (I'm tiny) but that's not the point.

OP posts:
poppylemons · 09/04/2013 22:05

x posted jasmine, totally agree with you

poppylemons · 09/04/2013 22:10

Ofcourse domestic violence is unacceptable regardless of gender Qwerty - but you are just not in this category. I think because you were on the receiving end of ACTUAL domestic violence yourself you are really tormenting yourself over this, imagining that you may have put your OH through the same you went through. DO NOT TORMENT YOURSELF!

Please talk to him about how you are feeling.

I also strongly suggest you walk away from this thread and do not read any more posts which reinforce your incorrect idea that you are the same as your previous abuser. Walk away and talk to your OH.