I slapped DP while drunk.

[Qwerty69]

I'm horribly ashamed. It's a terrible thing to do and nobody deserved that, certainly not him.

I took the decision to end the relationship at that point - as I believe he can do better than that.

I don't drink very often, certainly not an alcoholic. I'm a laid-back pacifist most of the time, as is he.

He is heart broken that I ended it, I'm missing him like crazy. I can't sleep.

Did I do the right thing or am I just being a martyr? Help!

I also stated what I would think if OP were a man in a previous post. Where you get from that I'm a man hating feminist god knows.

good luck to you

The government also defines verbal abuse as DV. So I'm going to presume some of you are perpetrators of DV, I certainly am having called my partner an 'idiot' yesterday during an argument. Was that okay? No. Was it technically abuse? Yes. Should I leave him and sort out my demons? I don't think so.

She slapped him when she was drunk, not okay, never said it was okay. The difference regarding gender is physical harm caused. A man slapping a woman in an isolated incident vs a woman slapping a man in an isolated incident. Only difference = actual harm caused.

And ISOLATED INCIDENT as far as I'm concerned does not constitute cause to leave someone on the basis you will do it again and the relationship will become filled with horrible DV. 'It all starts with one slap' - true in many cases. Really do not believe that applies in THIS SITUATION, regardless of gender.

'I did not say it was 'okay' for OP to have slapped her boyfriend, hilarious that you all jump to the conclusion I'm a man hating feminist because I think the context makes it an isolated misdemeanour that she should not leave him because of'

poppy - I agree with what you're saying, and I didn't say you were a man-hating feminist. I personally don't feel she should leave, I think it can be worked through.

The thing is though, if we say it's ok for a woman to hit a man, or just dismiss it, then we're perpetuating the myth that only women are victims. This is very bad news for my sons and men in general, because when/if they need help, nobody takes them seriously. That's all.

You need to vent your annoyance in the direction of the people who campaigned for such ridiculously broad definitions of DV.

It's true that we're probably all guilty of DV in that case, but women are FAR more likely to report. Think about that one, and think about who is going to benefit the most from this broad definition.

sigmunde - on average, 2 women are killed by their male partners/ex partners each week in the UK.
Here's the list for 2012.

I would say that's pretty indicative of males using significantly more severe violence against women.

Unless you can point me to the statistics that show that 2 men are killed by their female partners each week?

Shocking as those statistics are, and I don't dispute it, that is not the discussion here. We are talking about DV, where the partner/spouse is not killed.

You seem absolutely set on diminishing men's experience of DV because it doesn't fit your worldview. As a mother of boys, I find this despicable. Any mother of boys should be extremely concerned, they should really think hard about this before blindly assuming that men are automatically OK and only women suffer.

Why would you just be talking about dv where the partner is not killed? DV is DV and in the cases of 2 women a week causes their death.

I'm following on from the OP and trying to keep within that. The OP slapped her partner, she didn't kill him.

Yes, but since then, other posters have talked about stabbing and whatnot - so it's moved on somewhat.

When you trot out the old 60-40 figure I think it should be pointed out that there are gendered differences - as pointed out in my pp's.

Well I for one will be teaching my DSs that DV, of any kind and directed to anyone is not acceptable in a decent society.

That said, I'll let them know that if they do hit a woman who is bigger than them there will be some posters on Mumsnet ready to give them some sound advice and tell them that what they didn't wasnt too bad because they cant have caused much physical harm, and that maybe one day soon they can have a right old chuckle about it.....right guys?

I'll also be teaching my sons and daughter that violence of any kind is not acceptable.

That doesn't mean I don't have to recognise that there are gendered distinctions in cases of dv.

Trot out?? Me and my trotting out facts, what am I like?

Any info you link to running, is written by feminists and rad feminist organisations. Feminists are so well known for skewing facts that it's laughable, or it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that so many people believe it without checking sources or asking questions.

How can you dispute my posts about male violence against women when it is so clearly indicated by the deaths of 2 women per week?

Running, so because 2 women die each week because of male DV, female to male DV should be ignored?

I dont think that is what you are saying really, but it is coming across that way

TheToys - No, of course I don't think male victims should be ignored. I have sons too.

I know you didnt, I dunno, some of the posts on this thread have really totally and utterly depressed me. Not yours specificially

I want equality for women, I don't just want equality when it suits me like some posters on this thread, and IMO its that attitude which means that for the foreseeable future we will never be equal. How can we be when some are actually arguing that a women hitting a man isn't as bad as a man hitting a woman.

I guess I just worry that my boys may experience some of this, and get some of the hypocritical responses that have been on this thread. Id like to think they would be taken seriously and treated with as much care and respect that is given to a female victim of DV, but its as clear as a bell that is never going to happen.

Actually, I do think that the OP's case is different from most we witness here.

Not because it was an isolated incident.

Not because she's a woman - gender is irrelevant, all violence is wrong.

Not because it was "only" a slap .

Because in this case the perpetrator is so clearly, totally and utterly remorseful to the bottom of her soul. She isn't minimising it, or blaming him, or arguing that she was somehow in the right. She's taking full and complete responsibility.

OP, provided you seek help to understand what happened and why, I see no need to break up your relationship (and assuming your DP agrees).

It must never happen again. But you already know that, don't you?

Take a break, work through what happened, get some help, start talking to your DP and see where it goes.

TheToys - I do know what you mean. I don't mean to sound like I'm denying male victims of dv exist at all - I know they do.

Without condoning any violence - in general terms, a woman slapping a man is not actually the equivalent of a man slapping a woman. Men are physically stronger and likely to knock a woman off her feet/give her a black eye/split lip etc. Men are also more likely to punch and kick. Women are more likely to use weapons, although this is predominantly in defending themselves against the man.

*From the study I linked to earlier that sigmund loved so much.

So in your pissed state you interpreted the pulling both your arms against your will as an aggressive act and responded in kind.
Years ago (15?) I got very very drunk at my post grad graduation ball, dh (boyfriend at this point)had to come and collect me because I rang him from a phone box saying people were laughing at me and I couldn't tell what was a taxi and what wasn't! When I got to bed I kept falling out and dh eventually gave up putting me back in because I kept 'wrestling' with him, pushing him off me and shouting leave me alone-I slept on the floor.
I've never had a physical fight in my life( not even as a child), never been in a physically threatening situation,yet my response to dh's attempts to get me into bed was that.
I apologised when he told me about it the next day and I don't think I've ever been that drunk since, but I didn't give it much thought to be honest.

Is that very different to what the op did?

If dh did this I'd call him an arse and expect him to give up the drink, but I wouldn''t leave him- in the context of our good equal marriage.

i dont think you should split, but i do think you should take a time out for a bit. and try some counsling?

you said youv had a violent relationship before, a rather nasty one at that. could it be in your drunken state that you dh "man handling " you to bed could have brought back something.. an instinct to fight back?

i think you feel so strongly about leaving becaus eyouv been at the recieving end of it, so know what its like?

i think councling would be a good first step. talking to your dh to.

Did you physically hurt him ?

I know you feel bad about yourself, but I think it's best talking this through with him.

This is just as much about him as you.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening and for the interesting debate (sincerely meant that).

We're going to talk it over and give it another go.

Wish me luck!