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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I slapped DP while drunk.

156 replies

Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 19:17

I'm horribly ashamed. It's a terrible thing to do and nobody deserved that, certainly not him.

I took the decision to end the relationship at that point - as I believe he can do better than that.

I don't drink very often, certainly not an alcoholic. I'm a laid-back pacifist most of the time, as is he.

He is heart broken that I ended it, I'm missing him like crazy. I can't sleep.

Did I do the right thing or am I just being a martyr? Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 21:27

I rarely drink anyway. I certainly haven't since this happened three weeks ago.

OP posts:
happyhev · 08/04/2013 21:31

Have you ever blacked out when you have been sober. How do you know you hit your partner if you don't remember it?

scottishmummy · 08/04/2013 21:32

Mn gender imbalance at it's wost because yiu female less strident answers
Had op been male,slapped woman unprovoked the response would be wholly different
What are you going to do now to moderate your behaviours,alcohol?

Original poster
Qwerty69 · 08/04/2013 21:37

He told me the next morning.

I think not drinking solves the future occurance issue. It's the betrayal of trust that bothers me. I had an ex who was violent for several years so I know how it feels.

I did the right thing, though DP doesn't see that right now. Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
happyhev · 08/04/2013 21:41

I know it was a strange question i asked, it's just that if you experience black outs at other times, there could be medical explanation. However if it was just that you were drunk, then I guess it's good that you have had the courage to address your behaviour.

Fleecyslippers · 08/04/2013 22:01

You were right to leave. He does deserve better.

Quak · 08/04/2013 22:20

I don't really understand where you're coming from op...if I slapped DH and then said I was going to leave him because he deserved better he'd say don't be so stupid. You don't throw away a whole relationship like that. And, if it was the other way around, and he had slapped me and then said he was leaving I would not let him. Are you in a long term relationship because if so, I think you have over-reacted to what happened and need to find some strength to deal with it. I don't think your DP deserves better, but I think he probably does deserve some effort and answers from you.

You sound pretty down and perhaps it's down to this incident and the stress you mentioned, but your reaction to your actions are not those of a clear-thinking adult.

Quak · 08/04/2013 22:22

fleecyslippers your post is horrid and very unhelpful. Why would you say it?

madonnawhore · 08/04/2013 22:25

"I think he was try maneuver me to go to bed, so to speak."

OP what do you mean by this?

He was just trying to get you to go to bed?

Or he was trying to sleep with you?

Fleecyslippers · 08/04/2013 22:29

There are 'no' excuses for violence of any sort in a relationship. If I had left after the first slap, I wouldn't have endured 15 years of abuse. 'I' deserved better.

A relationship which includes physical violence, no matter what excuses you use to justify it, is not a healthy relationship.

arsenaltilidie · 09/04/2013 00:29

madonna how dare you question whether her husband was about to rape her.
OP you need to sort out your drinking before it becomes a massive problem.
As for the relationship, do you feel he is a bit too 'nice' for you?

Bartlebee · 09/04/2013 00:33

I agree with Lewisfan.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 09/04/2013 00:39

Lewisfan is right. If the OP was "DH hit me last night and now wants to leave me" the LTB masses would be baying for his blood.

OP - you need to get help for your anger issues, and you can't be involved in a relationship whilst you do this. I wish you the best in sorting this out, but please leave your DP to find someone more suited to an adult relationship in the meantime.

madonnawhore · 09/04/2013 00:43

What's your problem arsenaltillidie?

I asked no such question. OP made an ambiguous statement and I asked her to clarify.

You're the one throwing the 'r' word around.

Bartlebee · 09/04/2013 00:45

I totally agree. This is an area of MN where hypocrisy is rife.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 09/04/2013 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLeaf · 09/04/2013 01:35

I think hitting him and then ending the relationship is actually rather manipulative of you.

IloveJudgeJudy · 09/04/2013 02:14

I also agree with Lewisfan. Some double standards on here, I think.

ThereGoesTheYear · 09/04/2013 02:21

I would ask the same question that Madonna asked. No agenda other than seeking clarity.

Ouchmyhead · 09/04/2013 02:23

Wow, it's hard because I agree with what other people have said how if the gender roles were swapped it would be different! If he doesn't want to end it and neither do you, I am confused as to why you have ended it. If you are not a violent person, this was a one off and will never happen again you could probably both work past it. Maybe with the help of relationship counselling or your GP.

mynewpassion · 09/04/2013 03:36

I need no clarification about the "maneuvering to bed" part at all. The OP said that her DP was one of the good guys so she knows that he was trying to take care of her by putting her drunken self into bed to sleep it off. It was she who was doing the hurting.

OP, take time for yourself. Maybe get some counseling help.

Verbalpunchbag · 09/04/2013 05:26

If this was an isolated incident I don't see why you should leave your partner if he doesn't want you to and your willing to deal with whatever the problem is that caused you to lash out. If you weren't fully in control of your actions then keeping off the drink should be your first step.

There is a distinct lack of 'that would be a deal breaker' responses that I would expect to see if the roles were reversed although sadly I can't say I'm surprised.

Mondrian · 09/04/2013 08:04

Lifelong relationships are made over time by ironing out problems and overcoming challenges. If one walks away every time a problem is encountered, then there can never be a long term relationship. To end a happy relationship over a one-off incident during a drunken stupor is irresponsible.

boyfromipinema · 09/04/2013 08:08

I think a woman giving a man a slap is completely different to a bloke hitting a woman. For starters men are stronger and more aggressive and can do much more damage when they hit. A woman slapping a man around the face causes no damage in most cases.
With regards to leaving your man after hitting him, surely it's his call if he wants the relationship to end, not yours.

MrsCampbellBlack · 09/04/2013 08:09

Am I reading this right that

  • your partner was trying to manouvre you into bed - what exactly does that mean?
  • you can't remember hitting him but he told you that you did

All sounds most odd.