help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Spook, speak to a solicitor. It doesn't mean there is no hope for regaining your marriage, it is just important for you and your boys to know where you stand. It might help him realise that you aren't going to pieces but are pushing ahead in a practical calm manner. Do you work? I'm glad you will have family to keep you company and I'm sure having their grandad around will help your boys cope. Good Luck!

Hi Aussiesim,
No don't work anymore which is just as well I think.There's no way I could have held down a job the last 3 weeks! I will find a solicitor today.I just cannot believe I am going to see a divorce solicitor.I wish I couold just wake up and it was all a terrible nightmare.

Spook, understand about the solicitor, I went got a letter produced and still haven't sent it - eight months later ..... as you say, it's drawing a line. But the way I see it now - I AM going to send it before the end of theweek - it's a line that has to be drawn. It will, for me, unless something very strange happens, mean divorce etc and I couldn't bear that for ages but my h drew a line under what we had a long time ago and we'd have to start afresh anyway - sorry waffling. I do understand how hard it is. Just go for the advice if you can't face any legal letters etc. I do wish I had done it a long time ago as think it is a v salutory prompt of just how far things have gone - can't advise really though as still have to send it ... glad your dad is coming. I told my dds that daddy was on a business trip for hte first two weeks - couldn't bear to see him.

"God God God help me get through this. I don't want to be on my own.I so love what we had and our family unit and the joy it gave us and the security and warmth.A person deserves that don't they??I must've done something really bad in a former life to have to get through this shit. "

Honey look at the above and realise that you did nothave that for the last however long - it may have seemed like that but in reality he was seeing her - would you want that back knowing that that was still going on.

As I have asked before and you haven't answered - is it actually him that you want back or just the 'cosy family' that you once had??

You will get through this - you have no choice - everyday will throw new challenges at you but slowly things will get easier.

And do you know what - he does not deserve someone like you - I don't stand with violence but I would kick him in the balls if I saw him - maybe that would make him realise just what he is throwing away.

You are strong and beautiful and most importantly a mum and you will do this, you will make the right choices and get through this but please keep your dignity cause you can guarantee no one finds someone begging attractive - he will find you far more attractive if you are being strong and positive and to a certain extent telling him to poke it - and that will kill two birds with one stone - making you feel better and stronger and showing him just how great you are.

Big Hugs to you. XXX

Twinkle has said that so well in her last post
Spook, please please go and see a solicitor. You desperatly need to know where you stand because of the impending bankruptcy on your husband at the end of the month.- - what about your house for example, I am not trying to scare you,just protect you...
I'm thinking of you and be strong....
Sonnet xx

The solicitor is important: you must protect yourself in the context of his impending bankruptcy.
I would guess that this financial situation almost certainly has something to do with his behaviour: his affair provides a responsibility-free Neverland, while his marriage, and his ability to provide for you and the kids, is guilt glaring in his face. He then blames you for being the cause of that guilt. Weak, infantile behaviour. My Dad did this to my Mum in similiar circumstances, and in his case, he was back once domesticity and responsibility began to creep into the other relationship. BUT she had seen a solicitor, and instigated a formal separation that protected her from the enormous claim by the Inland Revenue on the house. Good Luck, Spook, and big hugs.

I also think that his impending bankruptcy has had a lot to do with the situation...
Calling Twinkle, Janstar & jmg: you three have all given spook wonderful advice and she appears to have developed a real rapport with you - Please can you stress on her the importance of seeing a solicitor...I am not trying to scaremonger - for gods sake, the girl has more than enough on her plate - But she is in a very exposed position with the impending bankruptcy. I obviously don't know the details of the case BUT she could end up with nothing. I know because I have very nearly been there. I havn't posted about the emotional side as the rest of you said it so much better and have all been there - I can't help with that BUT I can try and financialy protect her. Please please get her to visit a solicitor - she will listen to you three...

Spook. You are obviously a person that is capable of loving very very deeply, this comes across constantly in your messages. I truly believe you will be able to love with that intensity again, one day, with someone who deserves that love far better than your h.

Spook please go and see a solicitor today - Sonnet is right you need to at least secure a roof over your head - you have the children to think about - this does not mean you are getting a divorce just make sure you are at least legally separated and you are in the house - take his keys off of him too - please please please do this today or tomorrow - things are hard at the moment but youhave to take responsibility and believe me being homeless and having to go through all this will be a million times worse!!

Please honey - ring and make an appointment now. XXX

Thanks Twinkie - can't get this out of my head..didn't sleep well last night worrying about it...

twinkie's right, spook, look after yourself & your boys, even though it'll take superhuman effort I know you've got it in you.

as daytime queen Trisha says "the best revenge you can have is to have a good life"

Here is the chorus of that Dido Song - have not the time to type all of it (and my typing is v.poor!!) Everytime I hear it I think of you.

(Well will type as much as I can)

I'm coming round to open up the blinds
you can't hide here any longer
my god you need to rinse those puffy eyes
you can't lie still any longer
and yes they'll ask you where you've been
and you'll have to tell them again and again

and you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
but I promise you you'll see the sun again
and you're asking me why pains the only way to happiness
and I promise you you'll see the sun again

come on take my hand
we're going for a walk I know you can
you can wear anything as long as its not black
please don't mourn forever she's not coming back
and yes they'll ask you where you've been
and you'll have to tell them again and again

and you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
but I promise you you'll see the sun again
and you're asking me why pains the only way to happiness
and I promise you you'll see the sun again
and I promise you you'll see the sun again

do you rememeber telling me you'd found the sweetest thing of all
you said one day this was worth dying for
so be thankful you knew her at all
but it's no more

and you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
but I promise you you'll see the sun again
and you're asking me why pains the only way to happiness
and I promise you you'll see the sun again
and I promise you you'll see the sun again.

Theer we go - probably just cocked up some copyright law or something!!

I thinkt he chorus about having to experience the pain to tget tot the happiness is pertinent to you - btu honey you will see the sun again whereas the ARSE wil forever live under a cloud - he may be able to escape his conscience for the time ebing but believe me it will bit him on the bottom sooner or later.

Twinkie
XXX

I am not an idiot and can speak properly - its just my typing that makes me look stupid!!

So how are you feeling today Spook? A teeny, tiny bit stronger? You've been given some wonderful advice and support here and I hope it's helping a bit, that and your dad being with you.

As Sandyballs says you are obviously very capable of a large amount of love - just make sure it's dorected on the right person.

Don't cling too tightly to the idea of the perfect marriage and perfect cosy life if he's not the perfect man, which although i know you want him to be, he's just not babes, is he? He can't be to have done this.

Use all that love inside you to love yourself and those boys.

Lots of love - TC xx

Oh Spook my heart aches for you. So much great advice here and I'm so glad that your Dad is coming to stay with you. Please get as much support as possible.
Your H is treating you so cruelly - DON'T CALL HIM AGAIN. You don't need to hear any more at the moment. Try and stand back for a while and give your head a chance to stop spinning. Time to think is so valuable.
Huge hugs

Ok Ok everyone.I know the support and emotional warmth you have given to me over the last few weeks-and I have felt it believe me.But here's the deal.He's coming back tomorrow night.I know I know you're all going to be screaming at the screen and tearing your hair out at the stupidity that is me.And I know you're all right but this is the rest of my life and if I didn't give it one more shot I would regret it forever. You see I have never stopped loving him-even when he was saying those cruel things to me-there was a momentary flash of hurt and emptiness but I went to bed every night knowing that that man fills my heart.It is him I want and not just the security of my family unit.And ofcourse there's no family unit without him-our lives would have been very empty for a very long time.So he has PROMISED me that he won't contact her on a "love affair" basis again.I have told him that I know how screwed up his head is right now and I am going to expect less of him.My love will see us through but I am going to be detached and strong and less needy and hopefully we will find what we once had.I never lost it but I don't think I showed it enough.My one condition is that he stops contacting her and we will take it from there.
Please don't admonish me mumsnetters-all of you but especially the ones who have stuck by me this whole thread and kept me going with words of such warmth that I realised there is a heart beating and people are kind and generous of spirit (you know who you are)
Please please wish me luck.This is my one last chance of happiness.If we blow this one I really don't think we can fix it.
I'll let you all know how the weekend goes. Much much love to you all.XXXXXXXX

Spook - all the love in the world to you...you deserve it - I truely hope that you will find happinness. It will be very tough and you will both have the added pressure of the bankruptcy but hopefully that will draw you together ....

Sonnet xx

Sonnet-bless you.XX

Spook, lots of luck. But I would say there has to be absolutely NO contact whatsoever in any shape or form - that's based on my own experience, I think Bugsy's as well and professional advice. I'm not wanting to put any kind of dampner on it but my h came back twice and we forged on for five months but they were still in the same office, occasionally bumped into each other and she then started e-mailing him again. Obviously my h wasn't committed to me so it wasn't going to work. Lots of luck but please try to make sure that there is NO contact and to realise that this year will be very hard and you can't do it on your own. Lots of luck and I hope so much it works out for your family.

Best of luck Spook, despite all the advice here, only you can decide the right way forward and I really hope it all works out xxx

I don't blame or judge you for wanting to give it one more go, and I totally support your decision to do this.

Just a couple of things that I need to say -
-please don't blame yourself for any of this. He has done wrong and he needs to make up for it and earn back your trust, if that's possible.

• this bit about not contacting her "on a love-affair basis" - No, he's not to contact her again on ANY basis, not ever agin.
• you're going to expect less of him becasue his head is screwed up - No agin. Stop Spook - it's your head that HE messed with and you should be expecting MORE from him not less. Stop letting him walk all over you. If you make yourself too accessible and lay down flat he has no choice but to walk over you as he seem to be doing. Stand up to him a bit more. Demand more but at the same time be less needy iykwim.
• "MY love will see us through" NO - stop it again - he has to love you back equally - it's your love as a couple that will see you through if anything. You can't do this on your own. Get up from the floor Spook please.

I wish you luck and lots of love but above all I wish you the strength to make him see what he has and how great you are and the strength not to take any shit. The strength to stand up and demand respect.

I really, really hope that you get what your want and what you deserve Spook.

Lots of love - TC xx

Spooks
I'd be lying if I didn't admit to saying arrgggghhhh when I saw your message.

But as in all things in life sometimes we need to be sure when we look back on things that we did our best. If doing this makes you feel better in the long term, either because you both manage to make it work, or because it doesn't but you can look back knowing that you tried everything you could to keep the relationship together then that is the best answer for you.

I think that probably all of us who have been through a similar experience had them back at some point only for them to continue having contact with the other person. So all we were trying to do was to stop you suffering more pain in the long term. But sometimes we have to just go through the experience in the hope that for us it turns out differently. I do really really hope that this is the case for you.

Do keep posting and let us know how things are going. You need support through this whatever route you decide to take in teh long term, and I will repeat what I have said before, this is very early days yet. Good luck, I really do hope it works out for you the way that you want it to!

Jxx

Spook, I really do understand why you want to do this - you feel you must give your best effort to something that means the world to you.

I just fear that your dh is not ready to be completely commited to you and is going to hurt you again. If he stayed away for a few weeks it wouldn't diminish your chance of a future together. Tomorrow is another day, and he needs a few tomorrows to gain a bit of maturity.

You are very loving and kind to take the weight off him. But what is he learning from this? I worry that to him it just might seem as if once again he does not have to take any note of your needs, and the damage he has inflicted on you. He ought to be contrite and caring, you should expect it of him, not relieve him of that responsibility. If you don't expect much from him, you won't get much. Please don't let him drain you of all your emotional energy. The world does not revolve around this man, even though you feel it does sometimes. You are equally as important, and your needs are vital.

How are you going to explain to your sons when you are ill from coping with it all, and have nothing left to give them? His coming back and going over and over again is one fresh wound after another, not just for you, but for the children too.

It is not a gift to your family if you wear yourself out caring about others' needs and put your own at the bottom of the list. You will be a more vibrant and attractive woman who commands your husband's respect if you push your needs forward. Ignore them and you will feel like a doormat, and your husband will continue to treat you like one.

Unless he willingly addresses your needs, he is always going to drain you emotionally. Please don't put up with it.

I also note what has been said about taking advice from a solicitor and I strongly urge you to do so. You are in an enormously vulnerable position and you need to take measures to protect yourself. If, later, you find you don't need them, all well and good, and no harm done. However, if you haven't covered your back, and your dh lets you down, it will be hard enough to cope without having to worry about losing your home too.

That is my advice. But I want you to remember that if you do choose to ignore it, you need never fear that I will not be here for you any more. Whatever you decide to do, I am here for you, regardless. Why isn't your dh saying this to you? Demand more.

Spook, I wish you the very best of luck, and do hope that the w/e sees some positive, and genuine, moves forward from him. I wish you the journey that will bring love and security and happiness and joy to your relationship...like it used to be.

BUT I AGREE WITH THOMCAT ON EVERY COUNT. And in the end, you will have a better chance of making the relationship work together if you enter it as equals. You cannot be equal if you see it as your failings that let him down, and your job to provide enough loving for the both of you. It WILL be a journey, you cannot expect to feel implicit trust again straight away, no human could, and it is his job to help YOU on that journey, just as much as your job to accompany him.

XXXXX

Top post, Janstar.