help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Spook

Just hold tight until the dust all settles. But in the meantime move on and make the best of it. The bots of course will be very upset but don't try and make excuses for him. I think you can say to the boys, 'mummy feels sad about it too - it wasn't what I wanted either, but lets all try and make the best of it and have some fun times'. Can you do some things together with the boys to make the next few evenings and weekends interesting for them, so they don't dwell too much on the fact he is not there. This could be organising other family or friends to have them - don't feel you have to fill all the gaps yourself.

Has he told them he is going - I think you should make him have this conversation with them not do it yourself.

Good luck - I think in the long term you will look back and know you have done the right thing. If you talk to people on this site who have gone through this - I don't think there are many who regret it a couple of years on...

boys - not bots!

Spook, so sorry. He really isn't taking responsibility for anything. I agree with Bugsy who says he HAS to stop all contact etc or it's pointless. If you have the strength to kick him out do. I'm sure it's not what you want to do at all but if it is going to work he has to want it to. If you worry you're just pushing him into her arms I know exactly what you mean, but he has to want to stay so much - if that's all it takes to dissolve your years together it can't work. Hope you find some strength and am so sorry. Do try to get support wherever you can.

Spook, you are doing so well. Trust your own instincts. Very wise words from JMG about making him choose you. At this stage you owe him very little and he owes you so much. You discovered his infidelity, deception and betrayal of trust and yet you did the decent thing and offered him the option to come clean and make a go of things. He is behaving so badly and you do not need to listen to all the hurtful things he is saying to you. If he starts again, try and tell him that you don't want to continue talking unless he has something positive to say.
Huge hugs and tonnes of sympathy.

You have done the right thing. You must not let him back again unless he has earned the right. I would tell him that you are not prepared to let him back again just to leave again and hurt your sons. You have a choice whether or not to give him more and more chances, but they don't.

I would consider letting him come back in the future only if he has proved to you that he really is sorry, understands the damage he has done, has completely finished with his bit on the side, and is 100% committed to rebuilding your relationship.

Remember, none of this is irreversible. You can afford to stand firm. In fact you can't afford not to if you are to have any chance of his ever 'getting it'.

It is time to call a solicitor, sad to say. He has to take you seriously and feel the weight of what he stands to lose.

Janstar, wish I'd had your advice about a year ago. Spook - it really is good advice, difficult to carry out though. How are you?

I feel like I'm totally screwed up in the head.Like a total zombie.Everything seems to be happening in slow motion and I cannot believe one persons life can crumble so much in such a short time.At the end of Feb he's bankrupt.I've lost the one thing in my life other than the boys that I thought cherished me as much as I cherished him and would always always be there for me.Suddenly he's there for someone else.How can I do this? Every nerve ending and instinct in my body is screaming but I have to look after the boys and take them to swimming lessons and parties and go to the shops.My body is giving up on me.How can I swallow anything with this turmoil in my insides and a rock in my throat??
I told him I didn't want to hear from him or see him for a very long time but I cling to my phone . If he walked in now I would throw my arms round him.Or would I???Oh God-I love him so much it's killing me and it's already killed his love. Stupid stupid stupoid me.

Oh spook, love, so sorry. There are no words to heal your pain, just wish I could deliver this in person:

I know you have to be strong for your boys and it's sooo hard, but come to mn when you can and do your crying here. There are always people to listen and be there for you. Please remember you have done the right thing, for yourself and your boys, whatever happens in the future.

Spook
I am in tears here reading your last post - and as I'm at work that is rather hard to explain!

I know how much it hurts - I really do and sadly you never really forget it no matter how much time passes

I think all that you can focus on now, is that it is over for the time being. You have to survive, the boys need you to be strong for them, ever so strong! You are their protector you need them to believe in you now more than at any time in their lives.

You will get through this - you will eat again, you will laugh again, you will love again but I hope that whatever life throws at you in the future you never ever have to experience pain like this again.

Love to you and your boys xx

Not Stupid, Spook. You are a woman of integrity. It is just a pity your dh could not match it.

You will get through this. It will be painful and difficult but it will get better. You will get through it for your boys first and then for yourself.

Make up your mind not to speak to your dh for a few days and stick to it. Then you will put an end to all this worrying about whether or not the phone will ring. Just tell him no, I will speak to you the weekend after next (or whatever), for now I need some peace and quiet to help me think.

I know if you are anything like me you will be wanting to do something. I always feel better if I have a plan and feel as if I am changing things in some way. It helps me to feel more in control.

But the fact is what you might really need is just to be quiet and still, do the minimum and allow yourself to think about all that has happened, to arrange your thoughts, reason it all out to yourself and just be. Just be. Rest yourself and gather up your energy for whatever your new plan turns out to be. It will all become clear to you just as soon as you are ready.

Give yourself some space. If you find anything that gives you joy, whatever it is - soaking in the bath, attempting to lose yourself in an absorbing book or film, favourite music, walking in the park with your boys, etc, then devote some time for it. You need all the space you can get for yourself.

You didn't get to be a mother of 2 by not being able to manage. You will manage. You are full of resources you may never even have known about before. It is all within you. You will find that inner strength just when you need it.

Spook, have you seen your doctor? I didn't but maybe should have done. I did take herbal things to help me sleep because otherwise it was night after night of pacing the house crying silently/howling feeling so displaced and wretched. I couldn't read/watch TV, anything for nearly five months. I can't quite remember what I did. Can someone come and stay with you?

If you want to, hop in the car or on a train and come and stay with me for a few days.

Thankyou all of you.I never knew it was possible to feel so wretched and totally totally desolate.I just NEED to hear his voice.

I know what you mean - his voice used to be on our answerphone at home - I used to call my home number from my mobile just for the pleasure of hearing him say 'we're not in at the moment but please leave your number and we'll get back to you soon'.

Oh the joy of hearing his voice and him saying 'we' meaning him and us rather than him and her!

Now - I think its rather hilarious that I ever did that - time moves on and you move on with it - like it or not!!

Look after yourself - be indulgent of your needs right now. Put yourself first for a change!

Shit spook i am so so sorry, it is the most unbearable pain. Your last post made me cry, its so tough i am thinking of you. B@ST@RDS

Honey - it gets better - the weight sitting in your throat and in your heart lifts - it takes time and effort to get through it but sorry to be blunt - you have no choice you have to for your boys - if he does not have the integrity to be a proper parent to them you have to and that means just getting on with life as best you can.

Is it possible for you to go and see a counsellor or a psychologist - they can really help you manage your feelings - mine is great but I know you are a long long way from me.

I will ask DP if I can come up with him to the Newcastle game at easter if you want me to - that way you won't be alone.

Do you have Didos new album - there is a song on there not sure what it is called but it is the last one - No 11 (if anyone can post the lyrics please do, I've tried but can't find them), I was listening to it this morning int he car and thought of you - it is about the fact that we have to feel pain to see the sun again - I will go home and type it all on here if I can tomorrow morning.

Sorry this has happened to you - shit things always happen tot he best people but you will get there and in a year - maybe two - you will realise what an arse he has been to you and that you deserved soo much more.

All my love and hugs to you and your beautiful children. TWINKIE XXX

Oh Spook, I have just caught up with all this and just wanted to send you a massive hug too {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}.
I know your world is crashing around you but Mumsnet is here for you babes and it really will be okay as so many women here can testify.

lots of love to you - TC xx

This isn't much of an offer but if you want me to send ypou a couple of videos so you can maybe loose yourself in afilm during the evening email me your address and I'll send you some films - I've got Monsters Ball for example with Hale Berry?

Oh God.Why am I so stupid.Have I got absolutely no self respect???I just called him to tell him I couldn't stand it.Said he's just been driving around all day and yes-has spoken to her.He said he's got no-one else to talk to! How ironic the one person he talks to about his crumbling marraige is the one who's wrecked it.
He said what do you want.I said for him to come back with total commitment to ths family-NO contact with her and complete and utter honesty.Said he can't do that. So there you have it.HE needs to get HIS head together!!
I just don't even know whether he upset at the demise of our marraige or at the demise of his affair (although that's obviously still going strong)
God God God help me get through this. I don't want to be on my own.I so love what we had and our family unit and the joy it gave us and the security and warmth.A person deserves that don't they??I must've done something really bad in a former life to have to get through this shit.

Spook, it's not you it's him. I'm sure you'd give ANYTHING to have your life back. I know I keep banging on but can a friend come to be with you like now? You need someone.

Spook ou need someone there with you. Do you have a friend or your mum. Don't be ashamed to tell someone else about this, it's not your fault.

If I was you I'd want someone just to help with the boys, just so ,if you dissolve you can dodge into the bedroom or something, and know that someone else will see to them for a few minutes.

And someone who can comfort you. Please try to think of someone who can 'mother' you for a bit.

Spook - I know this is very hard for you - but I am going to put on my very stern voice now.

Do not phone him or talk to him again. You must let him initiate the next contact. You are probably playing right into her hands by being always available to him.

Let him go and spil his guts out to her and see how attractive she finds it!

Please, please try and keep your distance for now.
Is there no-one you can talk to - I was literally passed around 3 sets of friends who just helped run my life for me for the first few weeks - phoning the solicitor, cooking my dinner, buying food for me, getting drunk with me etc.

You will get through this you are a strong person.

J xx

Spook - yes you do deserve a family unit, love and all that but with someone who deserves you babes.

You sound SO desperate, I know you want those things babes, but you don't need them to survive, you don't. You are you, a person standing on her own with sons and a home and I know you want him back but you don't need him back. If you have to you can do this alone, you can. You are a woman and you are strong and you have sons who love and need you.

He's done wrong. He's being an arse.

Give yourself a mantra:
I am strong, I can do this, I am strong, I can do this...

Get someone to stay with you NOW or go somewhere. Everything else can wait until you have sorted your head out and can breathe deeply and act tough.

Lots of love sweetheart - TC xxxxx

And never forget that you are the injured party here. Don't let him make you feel guilty. You are the injured party and you are entitled to his best efforts. If he won't give them you are better off without him. Thinking this will help keep you strong.

Phew.Thank God that day is over.Can't do too many of them.My dad's coming up today so at least there'll be someone else in the house.I think the boys are really starting to miss their dad.One minute he's here and the next he's not.Shall I find myself a sloicitor today.I feel like that's just drawing a line through my marraige and I am actually still clinging on for dear life.