help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Spook, I sincerely wish you and your H every success but I also second all the cautions from Sykes, Janstar & Thomcat. Please try and think of yourself as a very special person that he should want to be with you more than anything else. Please don't be too easy on him.

Some great advice from some great women here Spook.

However we say it we'r all saying the same thing to you.

Please let us know how the weekend goes for you and let us know if you are okay etc, and know that we would never judge or think bad of you in ANy way. We only want what you want, the best for you.

All the best from me too Spook - I really hope that your relationship has turned a corner and things get better from now onwards.
Sis

Spook, only you knows what is best for you and your family. If you think that giving him one more chance is the right thing then it is.
I hope with all my heart this works out for you. Will be thinking of you over the weekend.
Whatever happens we will all still be here for you.

(((((XXX)))))

Thankyou all of you. I appreciate and understand everything you are saying.I see this as the only way forward.We were getting nowhere fast.What we had was so so extra special (we were married less than a year after we were together and had what seemed to me 10 blissful years together) that all I ask is that he ends the affair.The rest I hope will come with time effort and patience on both our parts (especially his)I know many people will think I'm kidding myself and a fool.But it's my heart and without him it is broken.I will give every ounce of my being to make this work for us and my boys. XXXX

Spook, my heart aches for you reading all of this. I do hope you can make it work but it has to be a two-way process, and he has a LOT of making up to do. You love him, but that isn't enough for a marriage to work, you have to be able to trust and respect him too. I wish you all the happiness you deserve. Take care, hon xx

Good Luck Spook. Will you guys go to counsellling? Could I suggest that you keep a journal - it is good therapy - kind of like here, and also good for rereading and identifying patterns of behaviour. All the Best.

Just wanted to say the best of luck to you Spook.

Good luck Spook, make no exceptions, no contact between them and MORE from him not less, as has been said. You will both never be the same again and I hope that will find happiness in a more respectful, loving and EQUAL relationship, with him if he is the one you love.

I agree that you need a financial review with a solicitor to clarify anf protect your vulnerable position and if it doesn't work you ahve this in place.

When this happened to me my Dad said well if you don't go back and give it another shot, you'll never know and you will have done everything in your power to save it. It worked for me and I pray it does for you. xxxx

Hi everybody.Well,this is where my head is at!He came home on Friday night and it was wonderful.We didn't really talk much-all talked out!Then Sat. wasnice.He was really trying.Had bought me Valentines card and pres. Card said "your hearts too big to break.I'm so sorry I'll try and fix it"He was being really warm and caring. Then on Sunday I just couldn't get myself motivated. Can't stop thinking about what he's done. All the lies and deceits kept flooding through my head.Last night we sat down and talked and I brought it all up again.He at least wasn't nasty.Says he knows exactly what he's done and he will fight to make this work.But HOW CAN I BELIEVE HIM???He went to pick up a takeout on Sat. night and was gone ages. I thought that's it-he's obviously gone to find a phone-box.
It will get easier won't it???I will learn to trust again?We had so much and could have again.When he came home I thought that would be it-I would be so happy to have him back.Bt it's me that's the problem now.I have to come to terms with everything and try and move forward coz dragging this up and every opurtunity just so he knows how much I'm hurting won't get us anywhere.he knows how much I'm hurting.He doesn't need reminding every time he looks at me.
Anyway he's going away tomorrow and I'm going away on Weds till Fri so we'll have the rest of the week apart.Probably not a bad thing.But ofcourse I will be absolutely CONVINCED that he's if not with her then at least on the phone to her every 5 mnutes. Aagghh.

I hope you don't mind me saying Spook that you are way too hard on yourself. You can't avoid talking about how you are feeling just to make everything easier for him - surely that is not how it works. He can't say he is sorry and you can't say OK and everything be hunky dorey again - it will take time and lots of talking and understanding. Changes will have to be made and a go forward plan formulated. What about couselling?

Hi Aussiesim.We are waiting to hear from Relate as to when our first appointment will be.After my horrible experience I can't say I even want to set foot in the building but I realise that we have to give it our best shot.He has even said he thinks he may need some individual counselling to try and work out why he did what he did.
What I really think we need more than anything is some time alone to try and rekindle what we loved about each other.The boys are precious but very very demanding.I just want to hold his hand and smile again.

Glad to hear your dh is beginning to make an effort to show that he is committed again. You can't expect not to express your anger and grief at what he has done, and he should not expect to you to either.

Trust is something he will have to rebuild. At the end of the day you may as well try to let go of your worry. If he wants to contact her he will, and there isn't anything much you can do about it, you can't supervise him 24/7. If you thwart his ability to contact her today he will be able to tomorrow. It's better for you to try and accept what he says at face value and at least stop fretting more than you can help.

He ought to be willing to explain his every move to you at this stage.

I think you will find that counselling helps now that there is a starting point from which to work.

I hope it all works out for you. Keep posting.

Hi Janstar,As always you are quite right.There is absolutely nothing I can do-and he said exactly the same thing to me last night.He said if he wanted to contact her then he would find a way-but he won't so stop worrying.Easier said than done though eh!
It's really nice to know you're all still out there and following.It is almost addictive,keeping this thread going.Maybe we should sell it as a Hollywood script in a few months-happy ending or not. But I will keep posting.It does give me great comfort knowing that people are concerned for my life and love

hi spook - I have the flu so won't go on cause my head will burst if I do but I am so pleased that things have started to look up for you - you are very brave and strong to even give him another chance and I hope that it does work out for you as a family - it would have been hard to end the relationship but I believe you have made the harder choice in staying and working it through - I do hope to the bottom of my heart that the pain and heartache of the past is now over for you - it won't be easy but remember that none of this has been your doing - he has to do all of the work now to convince you that you and the boys are what he wants.

Good Luck and keep us posted. XXX

Thanks Twinkie.I hope you feel better soon.He has gone away now and this morning was just lovely.We clung to each other like we had been apart for a very long time.I think he "gets it"!I even fell like I really want to have sex with him although I know it would probably be absolute torture to me. Hold my horses I know!

Spook, I think it is a really good sign that he has acknowledged that what he did was wrong and that he will try and put it right. Try and keep him on his toes, remember to do lots of stuff for yourself. Good luck!

Thanks Bugsy2.How long did it take you to forgive-if not forgive then go for a while without remembering.And is your realtionship the same now as it was before? And how long did it take for your sex life to get back on track and is it possible to feel like you are the one he wants to be with?
Questions questions.I hope you don't mind? XX

Bless you Spook. I'm currently petitioning for divorce, so no successful outcome on the marriage front I'm afraid. However, all relationships are different and my H refused to accept responsibility for what he did. He kept trying to make out he was very hard-done-by and that I was somehow at fault.
That is why I think it is a good sign that your H is behaving in a loving way towards you and that he has accepted he has behaved badly. The fact you want to sleep with your H is a good sign too, as I was repulsed by my H. I could not bear the thought of him having been with someone else. It completely killed any desire I felt for him. I would have felt cheap and dirty if I'd slept with him. However, I do think it is different if your H is genuinely trying to put things right and has agreed to stop seeing the other person. I'm sure there are others out there who could advise better than me (GRUM for eg) but I think you should have sex when you feel you can trust him.
I thought of you a number of times over the weekend and I'm glad you feel positive about things.

Hi spook as bugsy says I have been through a very similar experiance to you.Its been 18 months now and things are slowly getting better - I don't think they will ever be the same - I certainly don't think i'll ever trust him 100% but I don't have that desperate need all the time to ask where he is, who he's with when he'll be home etc etc. I was always a very independant person and have found it very difficult to be like that even though I understand why I've been doing it. Recently things have settled down a lot - you do have to let go at some point I think and take the attitude that if you are going to rebuild your relationship albeit in a different way, that there is no point in torturing yourself with the past all the time.However it took me over a year to reach that frame of mind so you probably have a long way to go yet.Be strong and true to yourself.I was lucky and have been able to get away several times on my own which has definitely helped and I have started an open university degree which is something I always wanted to do andit makes me feel good that I am achieving this.I was also very lucky because a new job opportunity was offered to me a couple of months ago ( a complete career change) that has fired me with enthusiasm and given me other things to think about outside the the family.So all in all the passing of time has helped plus new roads that my life is taking.
One similarity with your situation is that one year before all this happened my husband had to go into bankruptcy and i now realise through conversations with him just how devastating that was to him.Whist that is no excuse, it has taken a profound toll on my husband.There's lots more i could say- if you want to contact me - adele at in dot gr

Spook - Just wanted to say good luck, and i hope it all works out for you. You sound like such a nice, loving person
Haven't a clue why, but this thread had me in buckets of tears. Must be having a wobbly day today.

Hi Spook, so glad things are better for you at the moment and hope that you can rebuild that trust eventually and keep happy. Will check in everytime I see this thread to see how it's going with you.
Love Thomcat x

Hi everyone.Am going away for a couple of days-THANK GOD!! I'll keep posting over the next few weeks.Yesterday we must have spoken 4 times at least.He calls just to shoot the shit.Just like we used to before he found someone else to shoot the shit with! Onwards and upwards....

Help help help.He doesn't love me enough.He won't make a decision on whether there's anyhting worth fighting for.Still won't tell me he loves me more than her.Says that she's not in the equation anymore.No future.Our problem now is us.
He loves me and everything that I've done but cannot get away from the fact that there's no butterflies,doesn't feel enough to chase me through sand dunes,doesn't think he can love me how I want him to.It has been a month now.It is killing me.Do I sit around and wait for him to realise that he does love me enough or do I cut my losses and admit it's over.My God-how can I do that and still survive?
I am too good to be second best but without him what am I?A broken useless desolate woman.Am I asking too much too soon? My idea of love is all encompassing clinging to each other,10 texts a day kind of love.Am I expecting too much because that is my nature.I am capable of giving huge amounts of love but I do need something back.It would kill me to look at him in 6 months and see nothing in his eyes.
He should be fighting tooth and nail to keep this relationship together but he's not because he doesn't care enough about it and he has admitted this.I feel like to let this carry on would be to sell my soul to the devil.I feel like a badger waiting to be culled!
He is blinded by the passion he had for this other girl-he had all tose butterflies and wonderful new sex.Isn't he just remembering that and forgetting the fact that you don't get that after 10 years of marraige but what you do get is a calmer warmer knowing cherishing different kind of love.Should I give him time to realise this?