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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help

521 replies

spook · 25/01/2004 13:14

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

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Janstar · 01/03/2004 10:48

You know, Spook, at the end of the day who knows who we will team up with in our lives. But we always have to live with ourselves. Keep on doing what you're doing and you will always live with someone you like and respect. That kept me going when my ex was being a complete t**r. In the end he ruined his own life. I didn't need to lift a finger. And even when he was making my life a misery, there was always a little part of me that felt sorry for him. Because he didn't have any moral integrity, self-respect or ability to love, and I had all those things. Nothing he did to try and damage my family could take those things away, or get them for himself.

Original poster
spook · 01/03/2004 10:54

Janstar.As always THANKYOU THANKYOU.I just heard a bell-did you get your wings?XXXXXXXXX

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Blu · 01/03/2004 11:03

Spook, well done, on all counts. You have scared him into some sort of reality with talk of solicitor, and made him think what all this REALLy means, leaving his boys etc. Whoo-hoo, Your Highness, great text!I think Janstar is giving brillaint counsel on all fronts.

My dad did this, also when under extreme professional and financial pressure. It went on and on and on until my Mum threw him out. He came crawling back 6-8 months later, and in the end, she did take him. BUT in the meantime, to make it work, she had had to REALLY make her life independent, and not think that they would ever have a future together. She arranged formal separation, took in actors as theatrical digs to make money, etc etc. So while I can see what your friends mean about sit it out and there may be a resolution in the longer term, I do strongly believe that that is more likely if you think and act the opposite. Quite a conundrum I know.

Have a good breather in Spain, and come home to a different life and you, yourself and your boys...when you step off that plane coming home, think YOUR home and your own strength in it.

You're doing SO WELL.

XXX

Original poster
spook · 01/03/2004 13:04

Hi.Been to solicitor.God what a harrowing experience.Anyway I won't go short that's for sure.
Something has been niggling me.This morning-I told you last night we were amicable and he was very humble.Well this morning he was lovely and actually gave me 2 hugs and clung to me.But then when I got back from dropping the boys off he couldn't get out of the door quick enough and was really cold.He'd OBVIOUSLY spoken to her and she'd told him about the text. God he's a shit.Couldn't speak to her yesterday so couldn't wait to get me and his kids through the door so he could call the bitch.No doubt she was laying it on thick how horrible I was and how much I'd upset her. My heart bleeds.

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Janstar · 01/03/2004 13:15

Don't even waste you time thinking about what she might have said to him. The fact that it seems he was in contact with her the minute he got the chance says it all.

Perhaps they are now having a right old argument. A little bit of reality creeping in will do them good.

Well done on going to the solicitor.

Blu · 01/03/2004 16:12

Absolutely, Janstar. And the thing is, he wants it all on his terms, doesn't he? Being humble and giving out hugs when he wants to play at being Daddy, calling her as soon as your back is turned, but YOU are not allowed to take any action like having yor say or texting her. Hypocritical and two-faced! Whatever they have said to each other she is bound to have been pretty shaken - and him too! Good!
V pleased to hear that your future is good materially.

Original poster
spook · 01/03/2004 17:28

Thanks Janstar,thanks Blu. You are both right as always.I think the only thing that's going to get me through his actual departure on Sunday and the following week (its my birthday) is the fact that I KNOW I am intrinsically right to have asked him to leave.You have all been telling me for long enough but it's finally sunken in. He has to fuck off and get her out of his system.He actually said to me yesterday that I am everything that she's not....bright and articulate!!! Good God-the winter nights are going to fly by in his apartment aren't they.
I have not and I will not give up on this marraige.There is too much at stake-I love him..still and I believe that he still loves me.

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Blu · 02/03/2004 11:05

Spook, don't you just want to shake them by the scruff of their necks!! It does sound very much as if he is having a mid-life crisis and financila panic combined, and has taken the adolescent irresponsible route of escaping into a shallow relationship. But it is not fair for him to take a route that puts so much pain in your life. Make arrangements now, before you leave for Spain,for a birthday event with friends and also something the boys will really enjoy to do with you, so that you life is ready structured for your return. Buy a fabulous bunch of flowers to put on the mantlepiece so that you room looks gorgeous, stock up on treats, and fill your diary. And above all remember that you ARE bright and articulate and your superiority shines out of every single pore. You never have to beg, rant, shout or snivel, your dignity is your greatest weapon!
You are doing SO WELL.

Original poster
spook · 02/03/2004 13:58

Oh God Blu.You've done it again.You've made me cry.EVERYTHING you all say to me is one more little piece of my self-esteem coming back. You say WONDERFUL WONDERFUL things.He is falling apart.The business is collapsing and he is realising that he is losing his family.But as I pointed out to him last night-in a very gentle way-he has brought it all upon himself.The time and energy he should have put into that business in the last year all went on him and her.
He is desperate for our marraige not to be over.But until he gets shot of her there is NO CHANCE.

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Janstar · 02/03/2004 14:08

Good for you, Spook, you are doing all the right things. And well done for being gentle when you spoke to him last night. I often think our words have far more effect when delivered gently.

I feel sure he will miss you when you are in Spain. It appears he is already beginning to realise the enormity of what he has caused.

Always remember: you have all the time in the world to wait and see what he will do, and more importantly to decide how you want your life. I hope for his sake you still want him when he reaches the end of his immature foray. If so then he should count himself very lucky.

You have taken your life back and taken control of it with both hands! Now go and have a break from all this strife, get a bit of sun and a bit of peace and feed your spirit. You have come such a long way in the last few weeks, you should be proud of yourself.

sykes · 02/03/2004 14:24

Janstar, any chance I could ask your thoughts on something? Don't want to crash Spook's thread. Don't worry if you're busy -obviously and there's no rush.

Janstar · 02/03/2004 14:28

Sykes, you are welcome to email me. jan quinn 3 at aol dot com.

Blu · 02/03/2004 15:09

y viva espana - and Y VIVA SPOOK!

Original poster
spook · 02/03/2004 16:09

Jesus I am fuming.In all my altruistic goodness I asked my freind who owns a letting agency to sort him out with short term lease.And he has asked her for a fucking loft apartment on the quayside for no more than 850 a month!!!I am absolutely incredulous. No.1 we CANNOT afford that.No.2 he will be nowhere near the boys and N0.3 What does he think gives him the fucking right to swan around living the swanky batchelor lifestyle with his bimbo girlfreind after everything he's put us through. God I am SO ANGRY!!!!!
He said to her I don't want to be somewhere that will make me slit my wrists.Oh Dear.There are perfectly good flats in this area for between 5 and 600 a month.How dare he presume that he dsrvs anythig better or that it's OK to be so far from the boys.He definately presumes that this will be for 1 month and then I am going to welcome him back with open arms.What an arsehole. Gggrrr.

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sobernow · 02/03/2004 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sykes · 02/03/2004 16:18

Spook, not surprised you're angry. My h moved into an "appartment" - with swimming pool, gym and in 40 acres of countryside. Oh yes, and his gf. Really slumming it .... They never cease to amaze me.

Janstar · 02/03/2004 16:43

No wonder he has financial problems. Go to Spain and forget about him, what a baby!

Janstar · 02/03/2004 16:47

Gee, thanks Sobernow. I'm sorry to say that I learned the hard way, by making lots of unwise decisions when younger. But I enjoy being able to help women who are hurt, it makes me feel useful and that it was all worth it. Men have had it their own way for far too long.

Blu · 02/03/2004 17:50

Bloody Hell Spook, the absolute CHEEK! he is worried that living in a mere flat might make him slit his wrists while having not a second thought that devastating YOUR entire life might make you want to slit yours! Self-centred bastard. He is definitely living in fantasy land. And as you say, how dare he do that to the boys. And squander money when he is in financial trouble. WEll, as he slides another few notches down the moral scale, your status rises yet again by comparison. Tip your friend off that excessive rent payments might not actually get met, and perhaps she'll find him some cockroach infested dive somewhere....

Thomcat · 02/03/2004 17:57

Hi Spook, I've been checking in and seeing how you are and I'm so glad that you have so many wonderful women on here helping you, in particular it seems Blu and Janstar, well done girls you've both been amazing.
Lots of love to you Spook. I don't pray often but I will pray tonight, when I'm on my own, that your life will be a very happy and calm place again soon.

Original poster
spook · 02/03/2004 18:57

Omigod.I have just attacked him infront of our 7 year old.I found a text from him to her sent today after all his talk of us not being apart forever and trying to have a family holiday at Easter.It said "Call me when you're through lushbutt" and I just flipped.A human being can only take so much and I can't take anymore.After finding out about his apartment and reading that I am at the end of my rope.So now ofcourse he hates me and I feel sick and it's all gone again and I have to go to Spain knowing all this and knowing what DS heard and saw.HELP.It's all so awful. GOD I HATE HER SO MUCH.

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spacemonkey · 02/03/2004 19:00

So sorry spook - what an absolute bastard that man is to do this to you. You are only human and you lost it quite understandably, so please don't beat yourself up about it too much! LOADS OF HUGS ((((((((((()))))))))))

collision · 02/03/2004 19:11

Oh sweetie.....I dont know what to say. You know we are all here for you. Try and chill out on your holiday and rest and eat well. You dont deserve all this and he is being so awful. Hugs

Janstar · 03/03/2004 00:56

Spook - just got home and a bit the worse for wear after a night out with friends, so please excuse me if not so clear. I don't know what time you are going tomorrow and so I hope you read this first.

Just remember that you are the injured party here and so why should you go away for the first chance in ages for a bit of peace feeling worried and guilty?

There is an ideal way to handle every situation in life but we are only human and I think that you have to forgive yourself if sometimes you react badly to the s*e being dished out to you. You are certainly not matching it, your dh should feel he is lucky to get off so lightly because you are so dignified. I think most people would have been far more slaves to their feelings and their outbursts would have reflected this. You have a great self-control and should not see it as a weakness when this breaks down a little. For goodness sake, it is a miracle that your self-control stands up to so much!

Go to Spain with right on your side. Think about your future and what positive steps you can take for you and your children when you come back and don't waste a second worrying about a grown adult who is spending all his energy worrying about himself already.

Get a bit of peace. Lots of love xx

Original poster
spook · 03/03/2004 04:14

Well I've just put the final nail in the coffin of my marraige.We got pissed and were rowing all night-the black eye I gave him was just the start.He said that I was as much to blame as him for the affair,brought up the bad mother bit again,didn't think there was ever any chance of rekindling the flame with me...etc etc It just goes on and on.Anyway I flipped in quite a spectacular fashion.I phoned her best freind-the one who knew nothing about it but is intrinsically entwined in both their careers and blew the lid on the whole thing.Effectively finishing off his and her careers.
He stood next to me and BEGGED me not to do it.He never thought I would because I am too nice and haven't got it in me. Well-there you go.How wrong can you be.
Every time we have drunk in this whole sorry affair it has gone horrobly horribly wrong.My mouth just runs away with me and boy-did it last night.So now they both hate me and I am now the wrong-doer.Kept going on about hurting the other girls in the bands feelings (she is in a band-he is their manager)and I though "What the fuck do I care after what you've done to me"
Oh God-I've blown it now so badly and I have to go to Spain in the morning and leave those two to wipe each others tears. (Oh and they were together yesterday afternoon I found out too)

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