help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

Maybe we all need to get cross with you!!!!! We are all here to support you but you have to get a grip and look at this logically!! (Please dont all get cross with me.....I am just trying another tactic!!)

If your best friend had written all the stuff that you had written .....you would listen, then give some advice and listen again. You would probably say as well that she needs to kick his butt out and stop being a doormat! That is really what we are all saying to you.

In the nicest way I can say it.....I know that you love him and that your heart is involved.....you have got to pull yourself together. You have 2 boys who NEED you. You have got to eat and stay healthy or that SOB has won! You must kick him out after you have been to Spain and change the locks. He is playing with your emotions and being a sod. Why would you let him treat you like this? You are the mother of his children and you DESERVE respect.

This is called tough love and you need to stay angry in order to stay strong.

GO AND HAVE SOME LUNCH.

Collision, that's a perfect example of tough love.

~And can I add I'm a great example of why not getting tough doesn't work. I made it SO easy for my h was SO accomodating and virtually hung on to his shirt tails to stop him going. I put up with all his crap and he still left anyway because he never really had to make a choice. I didn't have the courage/strength to kick him out. He might have left if I had done - I'll never know but I do know that everyone I've spoken to - professionally/personally would never advocate what I did/what you're doing. And it honestly just prolonged my agony. I didn't want to go home by the end as I didn't know what I'd find - or rather who I wouldn't find. He took five months to bugger off - can you live with that?

Spook you are not going to crumble without him at all. All he is using you for at the moment is an emotional unload. He is in a huge mess and wants to blame someone else, and that is you. He has to know that although you love him you just don't like him very much at the moment. Half the attraction for the other woman is probably that he is already tied to someone else. I know loads of women who relish the chase and do anything to get a man to leave his current partner, but when it comes down to washing his socks, cleaning the loo seat and listening to him farting and snoring in bed, the romance soon dwindles!

You are connected through your boys and the marriage you have shared, and that alone will always keep you somewhat together. At the moment you have to remember just how bloody fantastic you are, what an absolute waste of space and total tw*t he is being and that at the end of it all you will survive. The hardest yet most admired thing to do is keep your dignity and strength when dealing with him.

Hus'n'xxxx

I remember a mumsnetter who had three children and an ex husband who was living with her - while having an affair - for what seemed like forever. She eventually threw him out and posted recently to tell us all how much better her life was now and how she was actually happy again.

Spook, I am also an advocate of the tough love scenario. Like Sykes, I was also much to soft on my H, gave him far too many chances and allowed him to stay in the house for over 5 months while he was still having a relationship with HER.
You tell your H that you do still love him and you do still want to make your marriage works but that you have certain terms. If your H loves you and wants to make his marriage work, then he should be prepared to at least negotiate with you.

Hi girls. He came home at 5 to 7 tonite and I went out at 20 past.Not much time for chat seeing as it's rush hour in this house (bathtime bedtime).He didn't know who I'd been out with or where I'd been coz he didn't ak.We didn't speak atall actually.Which suits me.No speaking is better than nasty backbiting.I am going tomtry and stick this out till I go oN Wednesday and see where we are when I get back next Sat. This weekend will be interesting but I can do it. I have no desire to speak to him (OK I am a bit pissed-I have had a lovely evening being spoilt rotten by a couple of freinds)Watch this space.He has no idea where I've been or who I've been with coz he wasn't interested enough to ask.If I can keep on avoiding him then great.This house has 7 bedrooms.I'm sure we can stay away from each other!

spook i can sor of understand where your coming from i found out that my ex husband was haing an affair with his ex girlfriend i found out while i was up a mental hospital after haing a nervous breakdown after giving birth to my still born son and i thought theres no way on earth i could have coped without him expecialy as he kicked meout so he could move her in so i had to go back to my mother but i got back on my feet met a great guy and now have a beutiful baby boy to throw in the equasion so please dont despaire dont matter how bad it gets it will get better and if your worried about the kids and do decide to ask himto leave just reasure them that even though mummy and daddy are no longer together you both still love them very much but dont let him wimp out of this make him tell them with you

God-sorry girls.What a ramble.More than a bit pissed last night I think. Thanks mummytojames.I know I can do it.I just don't want to!Well done on turning your life around and being so happy.XX

I don't want to be a scaremongerer, but is it a good idea to go away and leave your children with your husband at this time? Might he do anything stupid like changing the locks or say that you have left them? I would be inclined to take them with me....

mummytojames - you are a good example that no matter what life throws at us we can get through it and things will work out for us in the end. Your X sounds like a complete shit and I hope that his actions came round and bit him on the ARSE at some point!!

Spook - I am glad you are feeling a bit better - not speaking is not the best thing for the kids but it is better than constant nastiness and back biting.

Hi Spook

I'll be around later (approx 10-3) if you want to talk.

Hi Janstar.I've had my little one all day so din't get a chance to call but thankyou.Twinkie-I know it's not the best thing for the kids but we are trying to act as normally as possible infront of them.I don't know if I can go on like this.I just roam around the house.Simple tasks are totally beyond me.My poor baby has had little or no attention from me today.I want to curl up but am too restless.I want to DO SOMETHING but have no energy.Every waking second is consumed with sadness.I desperately want to snap out of this but I just can't.
Has he any idea what he's doing to this family???

Spook - warning a bit of tough love coming up!!!

He only does this to his family if you let him.

You cannot control whether he stays/goes/loves you/ doesn't love you etc etc

but you can control how you react to this.

You need to keep your confidence up. You will get through this one way or another. You have to look after your children and protect them from whats going on, and you can't do this if you are a wreck!

I know its hard but it will get easier, one way or another. This is an awful thing to say and you probably won't thank me for saying it, but I really think the fact that he is still seeing her and being unkind to you this long after you found out strongly suggests to me that you are not going to get back together again. I'm really really sorry but you should probably be focusing now on a future without him .

I think if there was going to be some big reconcilliation it would have happened by now!

Lots of hugs Jxx

Wasn't having a dig spook - you have to deal with this as you see fit but it would be best for all of you to get him out of the house - and he doesn't even deserve to breath the same air as you let alone sleep under the same roof.

I would pack his stuff in black bags and dump t all on her door step along with dirty pants and things like that and say here you go - this is what he comes with - as well as impending bankruptcy and piles get on with it - I would probably also tell her that he is a carrier of genital warts and herpes but them I'm a mean bitch sometimes!!

Ha ha - does he eat food that you cook - piss in it and watch him eat it

I doubt it very much, Spook. One of my very good friends e-mailed my h a few days ago re how devastated my daughters are - particularly the elder, who said to me last night that she just wants to go to Godstone farm with mummy and daddy and her sister - her idea of a perfect w/end. My h's response to my friend is confused, irrational and lacks any backbone or real commitment to anything. I couldn't do anything for months - just prowled the house - think yours is a bit bigger so it probably takes longer. It's only now that I can read/watch TV etc. Spain will be a good break.

Spook how are you? Hope you are coping.

Hi Aqua.Thankyou for asking.I'm not bad.Yesterday was better than Thursday.Was in a pretty bad way and he didn't come home till 10 "o" clock and I had no idea where he was. That was about as low as you can go.
Yesterday he more or less told me that money was more important to him the I was at the moment. Or-should I say money is all he can possibly think about. So... what? I have to just go away until that aspect is sorted out.We have not spoken atall all week other than a row yesterday morning. I told him about the solicitor and he was incredulaous.But he has provided me with a run-down of all our money and assets.God-has it really come to this? I can't believe the weekend has come again and it's still going on. I do prefer this polite ignoring than the bitter arguements.I can do this till I go to Spain on Weds.
I have had some interesting advice-especially from a good freind of mine who is a very succesful bussineswoman. She has been on the brink before and she has pointed out to me that I can not underestimate the pressure he is under to get some money. Especially when you have been as succesful as he has-the desire not to fail is tied up in your whole being and the desire to provide for your family (although I did point out to him that he won't have a family for much longer-and he said he will still have to provide for us whatever) No-one is by any means excusing what he has done but everyone seems to agree that this whole thing is tied up with money-well at least the way he has treated me since it blew up. The over-riding advice I am getting from people who know us is to sit it out.
God what a ramble-and so early! Sorry guys.Bet you wish you'd never asked now Aqua!!

Hi everyone.Hope you're all PK?
He is moving out next weekend when I get back from Spain.I asked him to go yesterday but he wouldn't leave.Wants to spend final time with the boys before he goes.We will tell them together next Sunday.He loves me and he worships the boys-but not quite enough.Can't contemplate never seeing her again.Though he keeps insisting there's no future in it.Says our marraige isn't splitting because of her.Who is he kidding?If he had stopped seeing her then we could have had a chance.
I texted her yesterday-couldn't resist.My gloves are off.
"I hope you're happy now.You have destroyed my childrens lives.Thankyou.You can pick up his sad pieces.Who's going to pick up yours?"
I am considering blowing the lid off the whole thing and telling someone who will end all her hopes and dreams and will essentially finish him.Hard to explain.But he said if he were me then he would!God it's so temptoing.I have protected them for so long.
Anyway-good frame of mind to see the solicitor today.I think the expression is "bitter and twisted!"

Spook, I am not surprised that you sent that text. You have been a model of patience and restraint. Even when you did send it it was dignified and logical. I hope it makes her think.

When are you going to Spain?

Hi Janstar.I'm going on Weds.What are your thoughts on telling the other girl/I would essentially be destroying her career I hope but also his.Not such a great idea??

This would require a lot of thought. If you think there is hope for your marriage it might be best not to do something so drastic. I think it likely you want to hit out because you are hurt and you want to hurt them back.

While this is totally understandable, it might not be helpful for you in the long term. If your marriage breaks down you will find it all much easier if you can get on reasonable well with you husband, and so will your children. Also I guess this would expedite his financial problems, and surely that will backfire on you too.

What do you think this will acheive for you? A feeling of satisfaction can be short-lived. If revenge is what you are after, I can't blame you, but it really is a dish best served cold, and best executed in such a way that you are not caught in the cross-fire.

Thanks Janstar,thanks Sobernow.I think I know deep down that you're right.God-it's so tempting though.Do you think it was a good text message.Took alot of courage but I can't ignore the bitch anymore!

Yes, Spook, I think it was a good message. It didn't stoop to insults or illogical swearing although that must have been tempting. There was no sniping although she deserved it.

It might have been the words she needed to hear to have a good look at herself in the mirror and see the reality of what she (and your dh) have caused. While pursuing 'love's young dream', I am sure people like to put the stark realities to the back of their minds.

I've been outside sawing logs, thinking about your dilemma.

At the end of the day I think your best revenge would be for your husband to wish he could have you back. Keep your dignity when all about you don't. Let them wonder how you manage to be so composed in this world of Jerry Springer hysteria. When the shine wears off with this girl, and your dh begins to grasp the full situation, let him call himself a fool for treating someone so good so badly. And when he comes crawling back, have a really good think about whether you want him or not.

Now that's what I call revenge.