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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help

521 replies

spook · 25/01/2004 13:14

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

OP posts:
Blu · 24/02/2004 20:18

When you say he comes home, does he expect to sleep in your bed? I think you need to be very cool and say "don't you think it's time we started living this the way it is? I'd prefer it if you would sleep in the spare room please". And if you have to make arrangements, don't ask what he's doing first. SAy " I am leaving for the airport, so I need you do do xy and z for the boys" rather than "I can take the boys...." or "the boys and I will be out wx and y so can you fit your visit in on z" rather than "when will you come and see the boys?". As if in every situation, YOU are going to live your life on your terms, not his. Behave as if you are a slightly benevolent countess and he is irrelevant. People in high status don't need to rant!

Original poster
spook · 24/02/2004 20:36

Thankyou Blu. I wasn't for a minute expecting him to sleep in my bed and I really don't think he would be so bloody cheeky! You're entirely right.My ranting days are over!

OP posts:
Blu · 24/02/2004 20:39

EXACTLY, your highness, and I am VERY pleased to hear that he will be sleeping in his basket where he belongs.

Original poster
spook · 25/02/2004 07:26

Morning everyone and welcome to Spooks early morning therapy sesion.Well he eventually came home about 10.45 last night by which time I'd spent an agonising few hours on the sofa and more or less resigned myself to the fact he wasn't coming home.I was just getting into bed and after a while he came and put his head through the door.I said what do you want and he said just hello. So I said "hello and good night" I won't deny I was a tad antagonistic girls!Not in the plan I know but hey-I'm only human.I did notice that he was crying though.
So ofcourse there was no chance of sleep after that so I had to sneak around and go and have twenty cigarettes.And my eldest's recurring nightmare that he hasn't had for about a year reared it's ugly head in the night (coincidence-I don't think so) so I've had about 4 hours sleep and no food for quite a while.Well prepared to face the glorius day ahead.
Do you know - I an SO SICK of being unhappy and smoking and staring into space.I only used to smoke socially.Now I must be on 20 a day.This wallowing has GOT TO STOP!!

OP posts:
sobernow · 25/02/2004 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aqua · 25/02/2004 08:15

Spook well done you were brilliant last night.It won't hurt him to cry for once you've done enough of it.

Janstar · 25/02/2004 09:08

Quite right Aqua. It is very important that he cries, etc. If he never did what hope would there be of him ever realising what he has done?

spacemonkey · 25/02/2004 09:09

Well done spook, you dealt with it really well. You're being so brave X

Twinkie · 25/02/2004 09:14

Well done Spook - acting like a countess obviously works - will also make him realise just what utter scum he is doing this to you and the boys.

Cut him out of your life completely in terms of arrangements etc - you live your life and he will have to fit in around it.

You are doing great and I hope that your anger carries you through to the calm serene place you need to be - With or Without him. XXX

sykes · 25/02/2004 09:37

Morning, Spook. Hope you can get some rest today. I resorted (and still do) to sleeping pills. Slowly weening myself off them and am not recommending them, but sometimes you just NEED sleep. Have you any plans re counsellor/has he enlightened you re his feelings? The only thing I know is he HAS to stop ALL contact. There's no hope otherwise. My counsellor and every other person told me this - my h didn't and it all fell apart eventually. My counsellor also told me I'd been far too accomodating and accepted him back far too early. I was paranoid - thought I was thrusting him into her arms if I didn't let him come home and of course missed him terribly and was terrified. Sorry - just rambling. Lots of luck. Feel free to ask any questions.

Janstar · 25/02/2004 09:42

I agree, Sykes. Spook, I think you should let him stew. You have been rescuing him from the consequences of his actions. Don't do it any more. In any case, it is more loving to stop shielding him from feeling the pain he has caused. It's the only way he will ever learn what he needs to know - that is how much damage his affair has caused.

Original poster
spook · 25/02/2004 09:54

Hi everyone.This is what I have decided to do.Let him live here but have absolutely nothing to do with him.I will try to the best of my ability to get on with things and not get angry.Although this morning he had a go at me for ignoring his calls when he was in London.Can you believe the fucking audacity of the man.
He is still talking to me like shit.Absolutely no respect for me or my feelings.I am not going to check up on him anymore coz I just don't care what he does.I cannot fight her.If she is the one he wants then so be it.I am now in rehearsal for life on my own.

OP posts:
Twinkie · 25/02/2004 10:25

If he has a go at you for ignoring his calls just say to him very calmly that you are trying to ignore everything about him especially the fact that he is still breathing because he bloody well doesn't deserve to be!! (Said with big kitchen knife in hand and scary loony type smile would scare the shit out of him!! )

x2b told me that he had given up smoking (lasted for about a week!!) for New Year after a year of torturing me - I told him that he should try giving up breathing to elicit any sort of positive response from me - like I gave a shit!!

They are all in lala land - good on you though for being strong - Missie Elliot coming 'You Go Girl'

Janstar · 25/02/2004 10:36

Spook, won't it be terribly upsetting to have him living with you? And aren't you making it a bit too easy for him? You are still protecting him from the consequences he has caused. He needs a bit of grim reality to wake him up. I definitely think you should make him go.

Original poster
spook · 25/02/2004 10:53

Hi Janstar. The truth of the matter is I am so sick of this cat and mouse game.he goes then he comes back again..etc etc. And I need him here so I can go to Spain next week.It will do him good to have a bit of the responsibility that I have day in day out. AND as you know I don't want this marraige to end. But I feel I am in a good place right now. I cannot stand the man. I think he really needs to see that and see that I am getting stronger by the minute.I will do alot of thinking when I'm in Spain and I will say to him before I go-please start looking for a flat.Then when I get back we can talk. Talking at the moment is getting us absolutely nowhere. Do you understand why I'm letting him stay??(coz I certainly don't!!)

OP posts:
sykes · 25/02/2004 10:55

Spook, I really think Janstar is right. It will be torture. You can't live in the same house as him unless you have a relationship. And how would the boys react? He'll have sanctuary with you and God knows what else with her. Won't you question/worry where he is/what he's doing when he's not there. Obviously it's your decision but I know I was at my most unhappiest when my he was still living at home but his mind was very far away. I felt constantly sick and was just waiting for D day - which eventually came.

Original poster
spook · 25/02/2004 10:58

Oh God.I don't know!!I think I'll stick it out till I get back from Spain and tell him he has to look for a flat. You're right it can't go on.

OP posts:
Easy · 25/02/2004 11:02

Spook
I can see why you're letting him stay short-term, and you're right, it will do him good to have responsibilty for the boys and house for a week.

But I don't think it could work long-term. You'll always be wondering when he's coming home, and get angry if he doesn't and it will just drag on and on.

If it was me I think while-ever he was there I would imagine we could get things working again. so I'd just be fooling myself over and over. Better to get him properly out of the way.

Oh, and how will he ever realise what he's lost, if you don't make him actually lose it (IYSWIM)

Janstar · 25/02/2004 11:03

He needs to face the harsh reality of the choice he has made. He needs to find out what everyday life is like alone in a poky little studio, fixing beans on toast for himself, washing and ironing his own clothes, not being jumped on by excited children the minute he walks through the door. He is never going to notice what he is choosing to give up if you keep making it all available to him.

I do understand why you want him there until you come back from Spain though - it's an issue of practicality. But after that...

BeckiF · 25/02/2004 11:32

Hmmmm....as hard as it would be you do need to make him leave, if only for the short term. Change the locks too. Makes him realise that you are taking control. I think having him in the house kind of feeds the need to have him around maybe, but still leaves you open to arguing? I can sympathise though, I think I'd rather have him around so I could keep tabs on him AND let him see just how wonderful I am!

I'm sure that you will do the right thing, but remember the ol' saying, "If you love something let it go. If it is yours it will return, if it doesn't it never was". Love and thoughts with you and your boys xxx

Original poster
spook · 25/02/2004 11:45

Oh Beckif.That has made me crumble.Bloody hell.

OP posts:
collision · 25/02/2004 11:53

I think you should use him while you need to ie to have the boys when you are in Spain, but then kick him to the kerb!! As everyone else has said he needs to see how tough it is on his own and that he will be one of those fathers who doesnt get to see much of his kids. He really needs to suffer a bit and to see what he is missing out on.

IMO try and cut back on the smoking if you can and EAT something and try and get your strength back.

Original poster
spook · 25/02/2004 12:54

Oh God.I feel sick.I'm going down down down again.How can I not be married to him?I am so lonely.

OP posts:
sykes · 25/02/2004 12:56

Spook, I'm so sorry. I dropped down to 6.5 stone when h left. OI looked disgusting - but I know it's a physical as well as emotional thing. Can you get to the doctor's for advice. You need to keep well.

Janstar · 25/02/2004 13:00

You can't crumble and give in to him all the time. He has to understand that if he chooses this other woman he also chooses to lose all the priveleges of your love. You can still love him in your heart but don't make it active. If you don't throw him out he will never understand what there is to lose, and therefore this will never be resolved. I think your marriage has a better chance for the future if you do throw him out. At the moment you are teaching him that you are a victim and will accept this treatment.

Hang on to the thoughts that make you angry, because they also make you strong.