help

[spook]

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

THANKYOU for your sound and kind advice everyone.But it seems to me like not many of you are actually saying "end this marraige".And I am relieved. But,I am feeling really angry today and realise that he CANNOT continue to treat me like shit.You're all right-he IS having his cake and eating it.When he gets tired of travelodges and her he knows I will welcome him back with open arms.
Well,now I'm not so sure (yeah right spook)He has been so bloody cruel the last few days I am beginning slowly but surely to really dislike him.I know that's right now and by 10 O clock tonite I'll be sobbing but at least I've got a strong bone in my body this second.And d'you know what? After his charming parting shot to me this morning he hasn't bothered to contact me atall and I DON'T CARE. If he did I wouldn't take his call.What have we possibly got to say to each other right now.
I am fuelling his fire to justify what he did and he is fuelling my fire to start to hate him-which will get this marraige nowhere fast lets face it. He looks at me right now and just feels resentment.I made him choose-though it seems he hasn't.I am the one making demands of him and I am the one who reminds him of his guilt.Well FUCK HIM.

GO GIRL!!!!!!

Get mad and stuff him!!

I know that you still love him and would still welcome him back but you have to think of you and the boys. Do something for yourself and as Acqua said act like hell and cry later!

We are all behind you....you are worth more than this.

At last!! The very natural anger that will help you heal. A very good sign. When he looks at you and sees a woman loving, strong and independent but not in any way downtrodden he will truly know what a fool he has been. You hang on to that anger and use it for the good.

He's just texted me-very unemotional message-AND I IGNORED IT!HURRAH

Good for you, Spook, I really think you've turned a small but important corner. Stay angry (for now). Good luck.xxx

Hi everyone.Feeling good this morning.I'm going out tomorrow night and I'm off to Spain by myself next week. He called me last night and left a very affectionate little message..."hi babe-not even sure you're talking to me..blah blah...please call or at least text to let me know you're all OK"
Haven't called him or texted!!Don't even know when he's coming home (never preferably) tonight at some point.Hopefully I'll be in bed.
I did that terrible thing last night and called his hotel.No-one under her name and no reply from his room.Tells me nothing really does it!!Still at least she didn't answer.That would have definately had me reaching for the gin bottle and my 87th cigarette of the day!!
Anyway girls-here's to another day of complete shit..!

Honey - Change the locks - he walked out and cannot start walking in and out when he wants to.

Do it today - please please please - that will be a great big sign to him that he cannot come waltzing in and out and hurt you each time.

Sending you a big hug ()

Oh Twinkie.I can't go that far yet.He will just hammer the door down and wake up the boys anyway and where would that get us.I have been thinking about it believe me but I am just trying my best from day to day at the moment and growing stronger.Little by little..

What an arsehole he is - Soryy Spook - I know you still love him - but he has to realise that he cannot treat you like this.

You need to get him to realise that he can't come and go as he pleases its not good for you or the boys. Text him telling him you would like him to inform you when he is coming over (and he is not allowed to stay) - that way he won't think like he can just walk in (put the catch on the door) when he pleases.

Have you got the stuff about the bankruptcy sorted yet - go and see a soliciotr - it may come to nothing and you may get back together but you need to be armed with what rights you have in regard to property and belongings.

Its not to sy that going to a solicitor means the final nail in the coffib of your marriage it just puts you in a better position if it does happen.

God men are such arseholes - they just don't realise what they have got - he will one day though and lets hope its not too late - but somewhere along the line he will realise what he is doing and just how much he is loosing.

I hope your holiday and time away from him and the situation helps you look at things more clearly but I would say to secure the house before you go just in case he wants to coe over and take anything.

All my love and best wishes for you - keep the anger going its a great way of channeling things and getting strength. XXX

How are you today, Spook? Getting away will be good - with/without dss. Hope you're having an okay day.

Hi Sykes.I am absolutely fine thankyou.I have made an appointment with a recomended solicitor.I have ignored all his attempts to get in touch other than a text a few minutes ago-do you want me to come home tonight? I replied "do what you want" I don't really care (ofcourse I do) but if and when he does come home I shall politely explain to him that I have had enough of being treated like a doormat. That I am getting on with my own life and I will not let his indecision and mental cruelty bring me down anymore.Why should I sit around and wait for him to make his mind up if he loves me enough and treat me like shit in the process.
So I don't know if he'll come home but I suspect he will. I just hope I'm fast asleep in bed when he does.I'm all talked out! Thankyou for your concern honey.XX

Very pleased to hear you are going to Spain. Go For It, Spook, he's proved now that the more leeway you give him, the more he'll take, so stop giving him leeway to trample all over you. OUTRAGEOUS beahviour at the station. DON'T leave your heart as a wide open target for his cruelty and self-interest any longer.
Slinky figure hugging outfit, and go out and enjoy yourself with your head held high.

Hi Spook,
So sorry things havn't worked out as you hoped. Please stay strong and use your anger to work for you.
I echo what Twinkle has said - please go and see a solicitor you really need to know how the pending bankruptcy is going to affect you. I obviously don't know your situation and what your H's liability is - but you don't need this on top of what is going on already - "forewarned is forearmed"...
I have stood on the sidelines and witnessed the liquidation of a family business and a near avoidance with bankruptcy and at the risk of being unpopular I would not leave the country next week. You mentioned in earlier postings that your husband had enough money to continue in business until the end of Feb - that is this week , therefore the shit will hit the fan next week.
I may be way off beam and your house and personal bank accounts are protected but in case I'm not that is why I have posted....

All my cyber support - you and the boys are in my thoughts and I'll keep watching this thread..
Sonnet xxx

Hi Sonnet and thankyou. Our houses and accounts are safe.He has managed to put going under off till March 31st so things may change between now and then.I have however made an appointment with a solicitor if for no other reason that to make him realise that I am now deadly serious and cannot go on like this. Right this second I absolutely hate him.Remember when all I wanted was the sound of his voice?At this moment I couldn't care less if I never heard it again.Someone said to me weeks ago-it's almost easier if they had died than did this to you.I thought it a bit melodramatic at the time but I understand EXACTLY what she means now.
HOwever,our money worries are definately at the heart of his problem right now.He seems to think that it's OK to put off all other life decisions until that one is fixed.Well it's not because I am not a machine who can be put away until the time is right to deal with me.I am a human being and he has broken my heart and continues to do so day in day out.He just doesn't get it.He's more concerned about his bloody 24 year olds heart than his own families.

Spook - they just don't get it do they? Amidst begging me to come back after his boxing day departure (I ran off to my sister's in US with dds when he left for the second time) he admitted to speaking to his gf on at least three occasions - he said that she was a very special person and they needed to talk. Right, that's fine darling, you make sure she's okay. I could have knocked his head off. Forget me and your two daughters then about 10,000 miles away in San Francisco.

Exactly-like we really give 2 shits about how special they are.This one apparently is a very old 24 year old (she would need to be-he's 45) and has had a very hard life.My,I lost some sleep over that one I can tell you. You were very brave to go so far away.

Not brave, desperate. A wonderful friend met me at the airport and got me upgraded to business class because of "personal problems". The hostesses obviously thought I was suicidal - I cried for virtually the whole flight. God knows how the girls (just over one year and just over three managed) coped. I know for a fact they were watching me as there were four special needs cases on the plane - three people were deaf and then there was me (saw seat nos pinned up) .... My h's gf is about 27. Apparently she's from a dysfunctional family bacground - nice to know she's inflicting one on my dds.

Blimey, I go away from Mumsnet and return to find a very strong sounding Spook - well done for starters Spook. I am of course so sorry that yopu have had to go through all this and that things didn't go as we all hoped they would for you, but you sound like a different and much stronger women who is dealing with this and dealing with it well, I'm very proud of you. you go girl, best of luck, xx

My goodness me Spook, see Thomcat goes away and comes back all Missie Elliott!! You Go Girl!!

God could you imagine a very old 24 year old who had had it rough - probably looks like a very young 35 year old who hadn't!!

Spook, thinking of you. I'm glad you are angry because you should be, your H is not treating you with respect. I stand by what I originally said regarding his relationship with the other woman. He cannot stay in touch with her and try and make a go of things with you. As Sykes and I show, that is not a workable option.
Be proud and remember that you are a decent person who deserves to be treated honourably and with respect.

Can one of you help me out here please?(I know.I'm so needy) How do I react when he comes home tonite?(which I am pretty sure he will) Do I just sit on the sofa and say hello barely looking up? Do I try to be as pleasant as possible? Do I tell him the marraige is over and that I'm seeing a solicitor?(bearing in mind that I don't want the marraige to be over but he really has to be taught that he can't behave like he is)
I suppose it all depends on his overall mood when he comes in.What I really want to get across is that I couldn't give a toss anymore and he can't hurt me any longer and that he can go off with his bloody bimbo (I am ofcourse desperately disappointed that he called her on Sunday.I think it's probably a daily occurence and the more I think of that the angrier I become quite frankly)

Mmmmmm. I think I would be engrossed in something on the TV and virtually ignore him. I would also do whatever it is that I normally do ie go to bed at 10.30pm as if you are waiting up for him at m'night he will know you are waiting up for him. IYSWIM.

I wouldnt row with him or ask any questions about HER as you dont want the boys hearing anything else.

Be indifferent and then tomorrow.....CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!!!! HTH

Oh girls.THANKYOU. What you say makes so much sense.I think my main objective of the evening will be cool,calm,collected.NO RANTING!!
I have a little mantra-reminding myself how he's still calling her and it makes me intensely dislike him.That is good!!

Just caught up with this ... good luck spook X