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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help

521 replies

spook · 25/01/2004 13:14

Please help me. I discovered last night that my husband of 10 years who I love to distraction is having an affair with a young beautiful work colleague whom he says he loves.We have 2 boys aged 4 and 7 and were up until a year or two ago the greatest love story.
I have suspected this affair for a long time and given him countless oppurtunities to come clean.He has lied and cheated for a year.
Please help me.My life is crashing down.

OP posts:
wog · 22/02/2004 10:42

Do you honestly in your heart of hearts think that it could ever go back to that - and no I dont think you want too much - do you think even if he came back that passion would be there and do you think that you could forget it forever and it would never be brought up in future arguments

Original poster
spook · 22/02/2004 12:18

Hi Wog.I just don't know.But the butterflies and passion are still very much alive and well for me.Shouldn't I just give it a little while longer for him instead of throwing in the towel.I cannot stress enough that what we once had was more than alot of peole have in their whole lives.Surely that's got to be worth fighting for-and seeing if his fog clears a little bit enough for him to see what is real and what is not?

OP posts:
Janstar · 22/02/2004 13:37

Hi Spook

I think you should give it as long as you think you should. Only you can decide. But you mustn't gamble if you can't afford to lose. I am so glad that you know settling for second best isn't an option.

Your man is a fool if he thinks those butterflies in the stomach are more valuable than the solidity of a long-term love. You are so much more mature than he. If that is what he really wants he will have to change partners every so often in order to keep the butterflies alive. I don't think that is a fulfilling plan for life.

You ask what you are without him. My answer is that you are all that you are with him, only possibly a little stronger, since at the moment he is not building you but wearing you out. There are plenty of good men out there who would feel honoured to receive the kind of 10-text a day love you describe. Unless your husband realises what a gift this is, you are throwing your precious love away on him.

I think you should give him as much time and patience as you feel you can afford. I hope with all my heart he grows up in time to keep you.

suzywong · 22/02/2004 13:59

Such wise words from Janstar, I agree.
Once the chemical-love that the affair fed from is gone from his system he will have a massive crash and fill that with remorse. He is on the way but in denial.

Set yourself, and your family a time frame for him to come round in.

Hang on and keep posting

Original poster
spook · 22/02/2004 15:10

Thankyou all of you.So you think I am right to fight? I could ask him to leave again until he can make the decision that it's me he wants but where would that get us.Surely he needs to be here to see me and to hopefully rekindle? I asked him if we could go away on our own.He said he doesn't want to be on his own with me.I'm expecting too much too soon aren't I? I am so glad that none of you think I'm stupid for trying to keep my marraige alive. That love can come back can't it???

OP posts:
suzywong · 22/02/2004 15:27

yes

Janstar · 22/02/2004 15:35

I applaud you for trying to keep your marriage alive. People throw marriage away very easily sometimes.

collision · 22/02/2004 16:18

Have only just read this and feel so sad for you Spook. You are right to fight for your marriage as so many dont. I just hope that you dont get walked over by your H. If he feels he can walk in and out as he feels then you will eventually hate him and it will be harder for you all. A relative of mine went through this and she took everything he threw at her inc numerous affairs...she was never able to get 'closure' and never able to move on. He had his cake and ate it and didnt care who he hurt in the process. Just look after yourself and the boys. HUGS

Original poster
spook · 22/02/2004 16:40

Thanks Collision. Everything crossed XX

OP posts:
sykes · 23/02/2004 09:34

I'm so sorry Spook. It echoes what happened to me and my h. I think you should seek professional advice now from a really good counsellor. What is it with men and magic/butterflies - exactly what my h said. I don't know how you can put it into perspective for him - you shouldn't have to. Hope someone else can say something more useful.

Blu · 23/02/2004 11:21

Oh Spook, I'm so sorry, but whatever happens in the long run, I think there was always going to be some deep unhappiness in the short term.

I think love can endure, but the way it makes itself known changes. Your dh is still hung up on the butterfleis version, and you are longing for the safety of what you had together a long time ago. My dp and I NEVER text each other, but I know that if I am in difficulty or need his help and suport he will be there, practical sensitive (ish) and strong. I think if you can both focus on what you need in a relationship in the future, building it anew, rather than cobbling together what he trashed from the old, you might stand a little more of a chance. I do wish you luck and strength.

Original poster
spook · 23/02/2004 12:00

Hi everyone.
I don't think really we're going to be able to cobble this one together now.IHe took the boys out yesterday and when he came back he was just so cold and distant.I found out that he had called her when he was out-left the boys in the carwash!and the call her been deleted from his phone so it's obviously her.But he denied it-still lying. He has been pretty nasty to me since yesterday-that guilt thing again and it's so obvious that I am not who he wants to be with.I am walking on egg-shells in my own home.It's a horrible feeling to know all your love is one way and the other person doesn't even particularly like you.
Anyway he's gone to London again.I dropped him off at the station and said "you're probably meeting her now to spend the night together "and his parting words were "yeah,thank god"
He has hidden his itinerary-usually on top of his bag as to what hotel he's in.So I'm going to call his sec. later to get the number and phone there tonight and ask for her.I know I know it's turning me into a monster but how can I help it. If it's still going on I need to know and I need closure on this once and for all.He's just making a complete idiot out of me.
If all I had to fight was his indifference and non-commitment then I've got that fight in me but if he's still seeing her then I really have to face the fact that it's all over for us. Good God,it's relentless isn't it? Day after day after day just brings more misery.

OP posts:
sykes · 23/02/2004 12:14

Spook, if he won't cut all contact with her it can't work. What you're saying brings back so many painfull memories. My h left, came back, left, came back and we (or maybe I should say I) tried for five months. The first three months were fine but then she got in touch again and he left YET again. All the telltale signs - detachment, refusal to discuss issues/continue with counselling, the coldness that I had never experienced before. Eight months later, I do feel stronger but it's hard and you must try to get some support for you and your boys as soon as possible. Your h is being unbelieveably selfish and cruel and incredibly stupid. For what it's worth my h isn't exactly full of hte joys of spring anymore with his gf. My elder dd now refuses to meet her and a friend who met them both (h and gf) said he's never seen h look so downtrodden/p'd off. Not that that helps you, though. I don't know where you can friend strength from - I found it with friends and still do. How are your boys? Can you get away for a break with them?

Blu · 23/02/2004 12:20

Oh Spook, how cruel. That's horrible, how could he say that to you? As for your investigative strategy, I think you may as well know the worst: you can't carry on in this horrible limbo-land that is so torturing for you.
Just remember that you have done nothing wrong, you have been kind and understanding, strong and generous. You have done what you could. How are you giong to get yourself through this week? Can someone come and be with you?

Original poster
spook · 23/02/2004 12:47

Hi Sykes,hi Blu.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this week but it's no worse than the past 4 weeks so I'll find a way.Next week I was thinking of going to Spain to see my dad on my own for a couple of nights.That was when I thought he'd be here-who knows now.I just thought time away from the boys and everything else would do me good-though I know they're all I'll be thinking of (and him ofcourse)
My 7 year old knows something is seriously wrong.He's so sensitive and the poor little mite saw me being sick on Saturday night-after h told me he didn't love me enough anymore.It really upset him.
What a complete and utter mess of a life.

OP posts:
Blu · 23/02/2004 13:08

It's such bad luck that half term is now over - it would have been great to take the boys to Spain maybe. It sounds as if time away might do you good, BUT I would imagine that the most important thing now is to make the boys feel secure: Daddy may come and go, but even while there is upset in the air, Mummy will be there and looking after them. I'm not surprised they are upset. But maybe still think of going to Spain if their Dad can care for them? Is he deigning to say how he imagines his life will work out from now on, or does he just think you can manage while he flings himself around in self-pity from your home to hotels with her? (I'm in London, but not available tonight for spying...)

AussieSim · 23/02/2004 13:16

Maybe it is time to really take the gloves off and instead of feeling sick, feel angry! Look after no. 1 (and your boys) and let him see that you are determined to get on with your life. See a lawyer, raid the bank accounts, change the locks, gather all the paperwork for bank accounts mortgage, earnings etc. It also might be better for your kids to see how strong you can be.

Of course you will have moments when you need to have a good cry etc and I hope that you have friends and family nearby who can be there for you.

But it is time to switch to a "Screw Him - Who Does He Think He IS?" attitude. I wouldn't bother doing the snooping stuff - it is just an emotional drain on you and makes you look like a sterotypical hysterical woman - not the look I think you want to be going for. Rise above it - Rise above him ...

Original poster
spook · 23/02/2004 13:19

Hi Blu.No he is answering any questions about life from now on.I ask him if there's a hope of him loving me again or if we have anything to build on and he just puts his head in his hands and says he can't answer thes questions.He just doesn't know apparently.Meanwhile what do I do-just sit around with a target on my heart waiting for it all to fall into place.
Have just spoken to my brother and he says don't check up on him.The more you raise the pressure and increase the conflict the further away from me he's going to get.Says I'm playing right into his hands with this continual questioning and conflict.It just gives him more ammunitin to justify what he's done.He said if I really love him then wait for him to revert back to the man I did love rather than this fucked up man under immense pressure from work and everything else.
He really believes it won't last with her and that soon enough will realise what he's on the verge of losing.There is alot of sense in that isn't there? I'm not sure I'll be able to hold myself back from phoning the hotel though.He's got a meeting tonite an she'll just be sat there painting her talons waiting for him (if she is there)

OP posts:
ponygirl · 23/02/2004 13:27

Spook, I agree with AussieSim. He's made this appalling situation for you, and I think it's time he saw you deal with it. It sounds like he's pretty sure that you'll be waiting every time he shilly-shallys - he's getting it both ways and he doesn't deserve to. If he want to end your marriage then meet him half way: see a solicitor, sort out the finances to protect yourself and your boys and get him out. Force his hand one way or the other because one thing's for sure, you can't let him trample your heart like this anymore.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, but please, try and stand up to him. I know how you love him, but just waiting for him to get over it isn't working and in the meatime you're being tortured. He can't do this to you any more. Don't let him. Lots of hugs to you.xxx

Blu · 23/02/2004 13:27

Spook, Your brother is right, I am sure, and I do have a lot of agreement with what Aussiesim says about anger and looking out for your own interests. If he won't decide what to do in his liefe, you can look after yourself by decising what to do with yours: look after you and the boys. Your brother sounds lovely, and a big support.

jmg · 23/02/2004 13:33

Spooks - this is exactly what I was worried about! He's away with the fairies isn't he. Like Sykes this was exactly my experience. I think you've just got to let him get on with it. That decision, the final one IYKWIM, is definately the hardest but it doesn't seem like he's giving you an option does it?

FWIW I found that as soon as I had made my mind up and contacted the solicitor etc I really did start to feel much better - kind of getting on with the future instead of lingering in the past.

I did see a counsellor through all this which did help me to see that I had done all that I could before getting to that point. Do you think you would find that useful?

The counsellor also said something to me that no friend would have dared to which was along the lines of 'hundreds of relationships break up every week why do you think that yours would be any different - no its not fair but thats life'! It was shocking at the time but when I tried to answer the why should my marriage have been any different I realised that all the answers I was giving were solely from my viewpoint and would not have been shared with my ExH for some time. The we were so close, we had something that no-one else seemed to have, all our friends thought we were great together, he was my solemate blah blah. Well I thought that but given he had been having an affair with someone else for a considerable time he clearly didn't. And in the mudslinging immediately after it was clear that he didn;t even seem to like me much let alone love me. No one who loved me or even wanted me as a friend would have hurt me in the way that he did!!

The counselling really might help to separate out your feelings from his feelings and should reinforce the message that you can't make someone else love you - no matter how much you try.

The future will look better for you, I promise, once you have moved on...

Lots of hugs
Jxx

Janstar · 23/02/2004 14:38

Hi again Spook. I'm so sorry things did not go as you'd hoped, but you needed to try, and so no regrets, eh?

As everyone is saying, it is time to plan for yourself and let him do the same. There is no power in this world that will make someone love you if they won't. All you can do is decide what you are going to do and be the master of your own destiny. If he wants back in I think you should make him work very hard for it.

Stand up and be what I know you are, a strong and proud woman who does not need any man to help her along the way, and will only accept one if he is good enough.

collision · 23/02/2004 16:18

Dont hound him or you will come across as a hysterical woman and will drive him further away. If you sit around waiting for him to come back then he will think he can keep doing what he wants as you will always take him back.

You need to be strong for yourself and your boys and stop letting him be the one who decides what happens.

Dont be a shivering wreck and make yourself ill....it wont do the boys any good to lose their father (ie seeing him every day to a couple of times a week) and to have a poorly Mum.

Make sure you start feeling better about yourself and put your weightloss to good use. Get your hair done and put some make up on. This might sound flippant but I bet there are loads of us who feel a hell of a lot better when we look good.
Be proud of who you are and that you have 2 great kids.....he is the loser.

Twinkie · 23/02/2004 16:28

Honey I've not much time and just wanted to say how sorry I am - I did think i too good to be true.

You deserve so much more love and respect than he is giving you - please please go and see a solicitor to protect your interests and make sure that you and the boys will have a roof over your head after he is made bankrupt - maybe kicking him out would be a good start for you - emotionally and financially???

aqua · 23/02/2004 17:03

at the moment he knows you are sitting there waiting for him to make his mind up. How dare he have his cake and eat it. Collision is right get yourself dolled up to the nines girl and get out and do something without him. Let him see that you don't need him as much as he thinks you do. Make yourself a promise that you will not ask a single question again, let him do the running from now on, when he sees that your are getting on with your life, being strong and confident i bet this other woman will not seem quite so attractive. Act like hell when he is around and cry as soon as he has gone if you have to.

SENDING YOU LOADS OF CYBER-STRENGTH XXXXXXX