Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
Footface · 06/04/2013 19:44

Wow op just read your thread and wanted to say what am amazingly strong woman you are. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way.

You have wonderful dd who have a great role model in you, and will look back on this when they are older and be very proud of you

CityTiliDie · 06/04/2013 19:47

Just sat a nd read the full story and He is a piece of work!!!!

Loserv you will be hurting a hell of a lot for many days to come ( My DW buggered off with my mate 15 years ago and I cant believe how much it hurt) But trust me the person that emerges from the dark days that will come will be a stronger, better, happier and calmer person. Your awesome DC will be so much stronger too having survived and seen what an amazing strong mother.

You are worth so much more than this useless piece of human.

Good Luck.

lazarusb · 06/04/2013 20:02

I think he was expecting you to have fallen apart and be begging him to come by now. He has underestimated you in a million ways, I doubt this will be the last time. I hope he's crapping himself right now and beginning to realise the enormity of his actions.

Just in case either him or his sister try to tell you he should have a second chance because of the children, tell them to go to Hell. Your children are intelligent enough to know what a great mother they have and she doesn't deserve this. They don't need to see you depleted by this poor excuse for a human being.

Original poster
Loserville · 06/04/2013 20:06

It's so bloody hard. Dd1 was sobbing in her bed when he left. I ran her a huge bubble bath with lots of candles and bath bombs, she seems a bit better, I feel terrible :(

His words when he left were, it doesn't need to be this way.

It does, as much as its killing me it does.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 06/04/2013 20:07

I really would ask him to leave right now.

This is not fair on you

I know we must do what is right for our children etc. but this is too much.

When he has gone, you must text and make it very clear that he does not live in the house anymore and all access is out of the house. You must not think you are expected to put up with that. Angry

Fuck, he's a cunt.

mcmooncup · 06/04/2013 20:09

x post.

Yes, it really does need to be this way.

Why exactly was your dd crying? What did he say to her?

He should really be reassuring her that he is not far away and will see her as much as possible, and he will take her for ice cream, to see a film, to the park etc etc. THat he still loves her. Did he do that?

imtheonlyone · 06/04/2013 20:20

He is a piece of work!! We're all thinking of you xx

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 06/04/2013 20:22

Bastard Angry

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/04/2013 20:24

Ignoring the fact he got all dolled up for you, perhaps trying to remind you what piece of petulant little fuckwit shit you are giving up (a true featherweight in the grey cells department)...
After saying he's going to the pub with his mates,
I'd be very tempted to look him up and down and ask him if he's batting for both sides.

WeAreSix · 06/04/2013 20:30

How dare he. Who the bloody hell does he think he is?! I'm fuming in your behalf and I never get involved in these threads usually!

Does he really think he can swan around like The Lord of the manor, shagging whoever and never suffer the consequence? He needs a massive reality check...

Stay strong LV. You did not deserve this and your DDs don't deserve the fall out. This is HIS fault. You need to sort visitation ASAP to protect your DDs from any more hurt he can cause by doing as he pleases with no thought for anyone other than himself.

cjel · 06/04/2013 20:35

This may sound weird and I don't know if I'm right but is it normal for dd to be upset at seeing her dad, while he was 'away' they could all pretend it was normal but now they've seen him and he isn't staying it has hit home to them too?
I really don't understand on what planet he thinks hes from. If I could I would fast forward you a few months, it will be less raw for you all. You are doing right and you are amazing. When you have your friends back you will feel more supported.

TonysHardWorkDay · 06/04/2013 20:46

I can't believe what I have been reading, what a total and utter fucking knobcheese. Does he have no idea what he has done? I'm sure he wouldn't think it was 'just sex' if it was you and another man. It'd be floods of tears, telling the world how awful you were and slagging you off to all and sundry including your children regardless of how much damage it caused because it is all about him.

As to winning you back... Does he seriously think ignoring you and his children, not apologising, putting the blame onto you and acting all casual about going out with his mates is going to get you weak at the knees? It really shows what a self absorbed little fucker he is. He is going to come crawling back, I can put a guarantee on it, he is convinced you are just playing a little bit angry and will forgive him soon enough. When that does not happen it will all come crashing down for him. By the time it does you'll be stronger and moving on.

State your boundaries now, make him see you are serious and get things on your terms so you can move on.

You're amazing, it will get better for you, we all believe in you and are here to support you. You deserve so much better and will find someone who can treat you properly when you're ready.

I'm waving my little go LV flag for you now.

Fairenuff · 06/04/2013 20:50

I actually think he was trying to make you jealous.

He tried ignoring you - that didn't work
He tried lying to you - that didn't work
He tried 'confessing' to you - that didn't work
He tried 'poor me' - that didn't work
He tried getting his sister onto you - that didn't work
He tried wanting to see the children - that didn't work
He tried a bottle of wine and a takeaway - that didn't work
He tried 'being depressed' - that didn't work

So now he's trying 'turning up at your door dressed to the nines' and that didn't work either.

Everything he does is aimed at getting you back. He tries to make you feel sorry for him, he tries to make you feel guilty about the children, he tries to pretend he's fine...

When all along he still can't accept it's over.

"It doesn't have to be this way" is just another way of saying "please take me back".

Not once has he thought of you. Of what you need. Of how he could help you and make it easier for you.

I really think you have had a lucky escape. You could have given this 'man' 20 more years of your life before you realised what he was really like.

On the subject of songs

But you?re just a boy, you don?t understand
How it feels to love a girl, someday you'll wish you were a better man
You don?t listen to her, you don?t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted cause you?ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed

Original poster
Loserville · 06/04/2013 20:51

I think it was the fact he was leaving. I heard her ask where he was going and when he was coming to see them again. I've told her we will sort everything out over the next few days and she will see him on Monday or Tuesday.

I wish he hasn't just appeared like that. Caught me totally off guard, then he buggers off the pub or probably for a shag.

OP posts:
PenelopePortrait · 06/04/2013 20:55

Definatelynotaloserville I truly feel for you and know a little of what you must be feeling tonight.

The day my XH finally left (I had to call the police to remove him after he went berserk). He was taken in by some relatives of mine (another story) but that very same evening my mum saw them all walking past her house, all dressed up, laughing and joking going on a night out! Meanwhile back at out house 2 traumatised and bewildered DC's and me.

As a survivor I can say that you are already stronger than I was, but we got on with it. We made more than the best of it, we were definately better off without him. Think of it as the beginning not the end.

lazarusb · 06/04/2013 21:02

That's the problem - he turned up because he felt like it and disrupted what you had been working hard to preserve over the last few days. As you say, he needs to make a particular time in agreement with you. He shouldn't come into the house either, I think that blurs the lines for all of you.

You are doing really well and putting your dcs first. Be proud of yourself.

Fairenuff · 06/04/2013 21:03

If he turns up on your door unannounced again, don't let him in. Just make arrangements for him to either take the children or call back at a pre-arranged time.

ToomuchWaternotWine · 06/04/2013 21:26

LV you are doing brilliantly just keep going, don't let him throw you off course. Get to a solicitor on Monday if you can and get contact formalised ASAP, so that situation doesn't happen again.

AllOverIt · 06/04/2013 21:28

I am stunned STUNNED at his behaviour. What an absolute CUNT.

URGH.

I love your response to him though. Feel proud. You're doing BRILLIANTLY!

WeAreSix · 06/04/2013 21:33

You know those signs you can get 'No Junk Mail'?

Make your own - 'STBXHs not welcome without prior appointment'

:)

saffronwblue · 06/04/2013 21:41

Just wow, at your strength and his appalling behaviour. He has a very pathetic scale to move up. "I know, the offer of takeaway and wine did not work, let's try aftershave!" He is revealing massive shallowness with every move.

It has not ocurred to him to try fidelity, honesty and respect as ingredients for a lasting marriage?

CabbageLeaves · 06/04/2013 21:50

I am speechless at his thoughtless callous treatment of you and his entitled view that you'll have him back. He wants your life to be hard now. Will make you more likely to take him back. Arrogant lowlife

notthesamenametoday · 06/04/2013 22:23

I've read this whole thread and you are amazing LV.

So sorry you are going through this, and your girls. It's totally unacceptable of him turning up unannounced. It's also important that he sorts things out so he can see the children outside of your home. If he comes into your house it is too difficult, emotionally for you. And when he leaves it looks to the dd as if it is you casting him out.

This is no good. It needs to appear as if he has taken himself off elsewhere. It's not to do with who looks right and who looks wrong (well, OK it is a bit) but your girls need to know that home is a safe place, where the four of you live, without him coming in and causing havoc with the dynamic and equilibrium.

Be prepared for a massive comedown when the adrenaline runs out, but remind yourself that this is normal, and doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing not wanting a reconciliation.

Jux · 06/04/2013 22:25

I think your reply to him was brilliant.

Sadly, I think he will now assume that he can turn up whenever he likes and stay to eat with the children yada yada yada, and that you're just punishing him irrationally, but you'll come round, as how can you possibly resist him long term?

Dressing up, aftershave etc, I think is him just trying to make you jealous/remember how things were when you were dating or something.

He really does seem to have remarkably little idea of how to behave when caught doing something 'naughty'. Was he ever good at apologies, I wonder? Did his mum always let him get away with it when he was a kid?

He clearly doesn't ascribe to the school of showing remorse, admitting wrong doing fully and being truly sorry, does he?

skyebluesapphire · 06/04/2013 22:36

what a deluded twat. it doesn't have to be this way. so you are ending it then, thats it. and "I hope you are pleased with yourself"? !

Really??!! Is the man for real? Is he pleased with himself? for fucking somebody else and lying to you?! ooh, I am so angry on your behalf because he is such a total knobhead.

what the hell else does he expect. Is he going to run around saying "I made one tiny little mistake and she goes and throws me out"?!

My Xh walked out on me, then when i begged him to try again, he said - oh but you said it would never work now as you would never trust me again - . so it all became my fault obviously!

LV - (and I agree, that term belongs to your H not you) - this is your life, your decision. If you want to take him back, you can. You might think it is the easiest option. But it will kill your self esteem and it will gradually kill you. it would eat away at you and you would probably always be mistrusting. Thats what i think it would have been like for me anyway, if I had persuaded XH to come back. It would never have been right.

Just remember, no matter what he says, that it was him who did this to the family, not you.

If he needs reminding of that fact, then right it on a brick and throw it at his head.