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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
Scottishsummer · 06/04/2013 10:25

Another fellow Scot here to salute your tremendous grace, courage and dignity.

I think that getting the SIL in to help you is an excellent idea. She needs to see your world now. She needs that insight. And quite apart from getting to Tesco, you deserve to have someone from your close family see and properly understand your stance, and your fortitude.

Everything changes. Always.

The world will not look like this tomorrow, just as it did not look this a week ago.

Your daughters are a beautiful credit to your spirit.

AgathaF · 06/04/2013 10:25

LV your girls are amazing. You must be so proud of them. Be proud of yourself too, for bringing up great kids.

So, he's endulging in a massive pity party for one then? What a twat.

As others have said - probably not a good idea to ask him for help or support at this time. Maybe a neighbour could sit with your DDs whilst you nip out?

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/04/2013 10:26

Could you online shop with Ocado? You'd be eligible for money off as a new customer and they do late delivery slots.

It might help you in future to shop online when the kids are ill.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/04/2013 10:29

I've just checked with Ocado, they have loads of free delivery slots in my area for tomorrow 12-1pm.

forgetmenots · 06/04/2013 10:34

Get a tesco.com shop (fluffy's idea! but I live in Glasgow and ocado don't deliver to a lot of areas, so adapting the idea in case they don't deliver to you).

Loserville · 06/04/2013 10:41

Thanks i thought I'd be too late for a Tesco delivery but they have a couple of slots later this afternoon. :) Just need to entertain the girls, it's a nice day so will probably potter around in the garden. I am eyeing up the unfinished fence and wondering if I should attempt it...hammering nails could be quite therapeutic...

OP posts:
cjel · 06/04/2013 10:44

afraid another one here who would do anything not to ask him today. Its really hard but this is part of reality that you are no longer a family. Esp if you are numb at the moment. online or someone else to sit are great ideas.x sorry things are so hard.

smokinaces · 06/04/2013 10:51

LV I have no experience of infidelity. However my ex just upped and left with no warning, which broke my trust in same way and from that moment it was over for me. I had two very young kids, and locked myself away for a few days. Did a lot of gardening - well, smashing up old fences, pulling up weeds, destructive things. I tried so hard not to cry in front of the kids too, but sometimes couldn't help it - but they were ace. Mumsnet is at its best when supporting people like this. Take it with both hands all times of day and night. Good luck x

CabbageLeaves · 06/04/2013 10:53

HL. Hammering the fence sounds perfect.

This is for your lies
This is for your integrity (lack)
This is for your strength of character (lack of)
This is for you as a father
This is for what you've done to your children's family
This is for me...and so on

I'd also second keeping yourself really busy or even if relaxing ...planned relaxing (eg film/book/games with DC or crafts/puzzles) rather than aimless if that makes sense.

BriansBrain · 06/04/2013 10:57

Lovely to read you sounding quite positive and hammering nails sounds like a great idea.

You SIL needs to butt out! Glad you got a delivery slot as well.

Loserville · 06/04/2013 10:58

It would be so easy to just sit on the sofa wallowing but he's doing enough of that for the both of us. I won't be contacting him, the balls in his court again. See how long he acts the coward.

OP posts:
cjel · 06/04/2013 11:05

At this early stage you may have to fight the urge to wallow, but as the days go on you will find you have been doing things with peace and not having to pretend.(A little wallow is ok it will help you build your strength if its done with some cuddles and good food. CP good excuse.)

Milly22 · 06/04/2013 11:06

Make sure you've put a bottle of wine or two on that shopping list Wine you deserve it! Grin

imtheonlyone · 06/04/2013 11:07

Good for you! Absolutely the ball is in his court! He's created this mess now he needs to man up and find a way forward!

Nailing posts etc sounds like the perfect way for some therapy!

Xales · 06/04/2013 11:12

Have you noticed that none of these last messages have been from him they have all been from your SIL?

He wants to see the kids can you bring them around apart from the contagious one

He is feeling so bad he has gone to his bed.

He has gone to the pub but may be round later.

All from her absolutely nothing from him.

I think she is trying to guilt him into coming around and seeing what he has done wrong and to get you to meet him seemingly half way when he doesn't actually want to in the slightest.

Fairenuff · 06/04/2013 11:23

Although he told his sister he was going to the pub, he tells lies to everyone, so he may not have. Wherever he was, he was sure to be feeling very sorry for himself.

This is good really. It's good that he is suffering, karma has got him.

He has lots of time to regret his actions, to wish he had never set eyes on that woman, to wish he had appreciated and cherished the wonderful woman he had, and spent more time with his beautiful daughters.

He has to sort out somewhere to live, he will need financial advice and he will need a solicitor. But before he can do any of that, he has to accept that it's over. Up until last night, he clearly did not accept it.

He actually thought he could come round with a bottle of wine and a takeaway!! He is only just starting to see how inappropriate and insulting that was.

What an idiot! The enormity of what he's done is just starting to hit him. I wouldn't be surprised if he spiralled into a full depression. He can't cope with the consequences of his own actions.

Unlike you, op. You hit the ground running and have very good instincts. Your priorities now should be trying to rest whenever you can and being very, very kind and gentle to yourself.

Are you eating ok? Might be a good idea to take a multivitamin. How are you off for money? If you have legal access to his bank account, there is nothing wrong with taking a reasonable sum for groceries, etc. until you get maintenance sorted out. Just make sure you keep receipts.

Have a google for solicitors in your area, just start putting some feelers out if you feel up to it. Womens Aid and citizens advice can help, as can loads of lovely mumsnetters who have been in your shoes. It's early days but just knowing what you are entitled to can help take some of the worry away x

Loserville · 06/04/2013 12:06

Xales, it's pathetic isn't it. Must be killing him having no one else to blame. At least I can direct my anger at him. I hope he does hate himself.

Fairenuff, I've been forcing cuppa soups down me, so I'm ok eating wise.

Financially I'm fine, I work FT, I can afford the house on my own. Things will be a bit tighter obviously but I will contact TC etc and look into finfing a solicitor on Monday. I was tempted to help myself to some of his wages but I don't need to. He'll be paying maintenance soon enough.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 06/04/2013 13:01

morning LV - well afternoon but i was actually out last night for the first time in an age and actually had a lie in too! these things can happen as a single parent every now and then Wink

i'm stunned at last nights events. the 'he has hit the self destruct button' bit made me quite cross on your behalf because no he has hit the family destruct button actually, and whether he destructs himself is one thing but not turning up to see and tell the kids is hurting others who are innocent in all this not just himself.

if SIL carries on i'd say look i consider you a really good friend, i can understand the situation you're in with him being your brother but seriously it's not your place to make excuses for him or try and talk on his behalf, he's a grown man choosing his own actions. you're my friend and the kids aunty and we love you and that's totally separate from him and what he does so let's keep it that way.

i don't know.

your girls do sound lovely. i'm a firm believer that kids can handle the truth and actually handle truth a lot better than lies and secrets. so long as it's honest, and they're allowed to ask questions and talk about it with you when they need/want to then they can handle it.

people who think they are protecting them with lies or with staying in a trustless, unhealthy relationship are deluded imo. i never meet an adult who says i'm so glad my parents lied to me and left me wondering what was really going on let alone an adult who is pleased that they were made to continue living in the sinking wreck of a their parents increasingly toxic relationship for their whole childhood.

go for it with the fence i reckon - yes therapeutic but also a massive testimony to being able to do this alone you know? a nice bit of evidence for you and for him if he ever shows his face and for the girls that you can do what needs doing yourself Smile

AgathaF · 06/04/2013 13:09

I think hammering a few nails into your fence sounds a grand idea.

pictish · 06/04/2013 13:19

You're probably going to get to the stage of feeling angry soon. At this point you may think why the fuck has he not faced up to me!!. You might be tempted to start texting him, because you feel so outraged that he is ignoring you. I know I would feel like that.

Don't. Don't text him. Even if you are furious. In effect, he is handing the ball right back to you, with his lack of response. Refuse it. Do not reward his cowardice by taking the reigns.

You are handling this magnificently. All power!

pictish · 06/04/2013 13:20

"if SIL carries on i'd say look i consider you a really good friend, i can understand the situation you're in with him being your brother but seriously it's not your place to make excuses for him or try and talk on his behalf, he's a grown man choosing his own actions. you're my friend and the kids aunty and we love you and that's totally separate from him and what he does so let's keep it that way."

Yy to that. That's perfect.

AThingInYourLife · 06/04/2013 13:27

Yy, great idea of what to say to SIL by swallowed there.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 06/04/2013 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonstartree · 06/04/2013 14:01

When I read things like this I really do believe men are the weaker sex.

he is pathetic.

I wish you would change your username. You are so far form a loser its unreal.

Thanks
Strangemagic · 06/04/2013 14:17

Yes,please change your name,you are not a loser,I amazed at the dignity you have shown.