This doesn't look good does it?

[Loserville]

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up

I just struggle to see where my lovely husband went, the one who was devoted to his family. How is it possible to lose that so easily? If this is him fighting then he's losing spectacularly.

I have a book, I'll try that

I know it's hard. I felt the same and still do to an extent. how the hell could a lovely, devoted father, walk out on his DD. how could the loving husband walk out on his wife. My XH didnt want to fight. he decided it was over and that was that. Your posts echo mine 12 months ago. Why why why?

The answer is because they are selfish, because it is all about them. but they twist it and make it all about you and how you drove them to it.

He is a loser, remember that. That's what my mum keeps reminding me when I get sad that DD hasn't got her dad around. It's his loss. he is the one missing out, not you.... and she is right, it is very much his loss.

stand firm and don't take any crap. where you go from here is very much your decision and nobody else's

He's been a complete idiot. Total betrayal. What the heck is that about? What is he going to get out of it really? I don't get it at all. But I do know you're not the only person this has happened to. A very good friend of mine with an excellent trusting caring relationship, an educated successful professional couple with lots in common and shared social life and family life, had exactly the same thing happen. He just decided another woman was ever so slightly more appealing than the wonderful woman that he'd been with for over a decade. Ruined everything. Left a woman distraught and struggling for two years while bringing up his children.

A one off slip when you're early in the relationship, fine. We can deal with that but when you've got 3 lovely children - how does he expect you to forgive him?

But whatever happens Loser, don't feel like a loser - this is just something that men do sometimes, for absolutely no apparent reason. It's a complete mystery probably even to themselves if they bothered to stop and think about it. But it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Oh OP, I hope you are asleep now but either way what bluesapphire just said is true, your 'D'H is a loser. It is him that has lost his family, it is him that has lost his DW and DC to live with through his stupid actions. While you now may feel you have lost him, he is not worth losing. He has unwittingly lost an awful more than you have.

Stay strong, well done you so far x

His SIL text you to tell him he's in the pub! really makes me wonder what type of woman she is.
He's so distraught he makes it to the fucking pub.
He can't face up to you because he's a chicken shit again!!!!!
Oh lovely lady, you're too good to be with somebody like this and you and your little ladies deserve better than this piece of shit in your lives. You might think 'Oh, but he's a great dad blah blah..' but going through divorce myself and having a little bit of counselling at work to help me keep it together, my counsellor said that being a 'good dad' just doesn't make it ok to treat you like this.

I always find having one of my dc in my bed sleeping next to me sleeping peacefully, listening to their breathing and holding on tight helps me sleep .

Ah LV, you have managed all this horribleness with such good sense and self respect, and thinking so clearly about what is best for your DDs, it's amazing. What a fool he is. How painful. And how stupid of him to throw it away. Thinking of you x x

I've just read the whole thread. Not Lv I'm 30 mins from Glasgow, if you want some rl support?!

What an amazing mum you are. Your Dds are gonna grow up idolising you

Their father on the other hand & his sister

Hope your wee ones cp are feeling better and as a previous poster said brave was a great choice!

I've been through similar & wish I'd handled it like you, I "forgave" him and waisted another 5 years in a trustless marriage, it wrecked my confidence and really affected my Dc regret it so much!

Keep strong, thinking of u all xxx

Just read your whole thread. You sound amazing, what a fool he is to have betrayed you so deeply.

Your DDs are lucky to have you as their mum.

Stay strong. This too shall pass.

I've just read this thread and have to comment to say that I think you are amazing.

I admire how you are handling this situation and are so focused on what you need to do and on being strong.

Your girls are lucky to have you and they sound wonderful. I can only imagine that is completely from you because you sound wonderful.

Hope you got some sleep.
Keep going x

You have handled this so well, LV.
Taking the cheating out of the equation, how disappointing to find that when there's a problem, your H will hide from you and his children using his sister/alcohas a shield. What a pathetic little man.

*alcohol as a shield

Spent the night reading this thread, as dd has been sick. Hope your ok op. Stay strong.

I've been lurking since the beginning but your post about telling your dds has just made me cry. What an absolute waste of space he is. He absolutely doesn't deserve any of you.

I'm glad he's managing to keep his fluids up in the pub though...especially as he's so low at the moment I'm with Milly - I'm sure his sister wants him out of her house but I'm not sure her texts are useful to you. I hope he didn't go round to yours last night, especially if he'd had a few.

Sending you some love & strength - please try and make sure you keep eating. Your dcs are a credit to you, you've jumped that huge milestone already (telling them) and you did that without him. Stay strong.

Dear Loserville

First, PLEASE change your name, the only fucking loser here is the waste of skin that is your stbex. I'd quite like to see something like:

FabulousWomanFormerlyKnownAsLoservilleButThatWouldActuallyBeTheEx

Second, you have no fucking idea how angry I am on your behalf. I found my ex in bed with somebody else out of the blue and from nowhere, or so it seemed, so I have a small inkling of what you are feeling. Now with the clarity of nearly 20 years between then and now there were signs for me. Your ex is, for example, a twunt.

Third, go get yourself a solicitor this week and start redirecting his post.

Forth, if you are having trouble sleeping try counting 1 on the breath in and 2 on the breath out. It worked wonders for me when trying to get to sleep and those moments when you inhale like you've just been kicked in the chest thinking about it all.

Fifth, you are fabulous he's a knob.

Sixth, he will go into classic trying to blame you for everything mode. You did not make him go and stick his cock in some woman. Yes, there are probably issues in the relationship but this sounds like mid-life crisis to me, also, if he's done it once his odds are significantly increased of doing it again, I wouldn't take him back. Mr Tigga says he's a cunt and it takes a lot for Mr Tigga to use that kind of language, he has the tendancy to change the channel when women get called bitch, I have no idea how I've got him to watch Game of Thrones!

Seventh, I suggest, if you can afford it, to go with the girls for some pampering, or if you can't afford to go out do some home pampering together. It won't mend your torn heart, but it will give you all some bonding time and will allow you all to talk about things in a calm environment.

InDaSpeakOfDaYoofYouGoGirlTiggaxx

Hi op. have just caught up. Well done for getting over that hurdle of telling the children. Sounds like it went really well.

I am so sorry about your H's cowardly and stupidly self centred behaviour. He thought if he came round with a takeaway and deleted this woman's number you would automatically let him stay. What an arrogant and misguided fool. Now that it is clear that it won't be so simple he can't face you or the children.

Your sil thinks she's being constructive but really...not helpful to you at all.
Hope you managed a bit more sleep

And please don't change your name or it will be difficult to find your posts. Loserville can refer to where your H is ending up!

Morning LV, just wanted to keep on the thread and send all manner of un-mumsnetty hugs your way. Am nowhere near Glasgow but am virtually behind you at every step. Hope you managed some sleep? There are some very wise posters on here, take their advice ASAP if you can. x

I know that longing to have DH back, i'm two yrs on ad hes been really abusive at times but sometimes I still have that ache. Were together 35 years from 16 as well and it really weird facing the thoughts of what reality now is. I find it best to go with the day dreams but try and hang on to the thought that I'm missing a myth. What I miss I didn't have. I hope you can use chicken pox as a reason to all snuggle up and have a nap later. Remember that it does get easier to live without them although there are really hard times as well, I'd like to give sil the benefit of the doubt at the mo and say she may have txt you to give you the heads up he may turn up drunk later. Hope you get friends back really soon to have a good moan and cry with.x

What Scarlett said! I shall just refer to you now as Husband Is in Loserville. HL

I think we sometimes build a picture in our heads of the husband we want. Part of the man we are married to fits that picture and reinforces our image and love. The bits that don't fit, we push away.

When you separate all of a sudden you see the real man and its quite shocking and suddenly very distressing because you grieve for the man you thought you had married.

Divorce is described as being very similar to death of a spouse. I think this is true. It's usually complicated by the fact that whilst grief of a loved one is 'clean' honest grief, divorce involves confrontation with the new person you see is your partner and your head is screwed up by switching between 'grief' for the man you love and anger at being affected/attacked by this stranger who has access to your children. It can seem impossible that he is their father.

Keep talking and recognising the different streams so that you can separate your grief and heal that, remain emotionless with the new persona and make sure his relationship with the children is healthy.

Thank you and for sharing your stories too. Wish I could fast forward a year or so :( Feel a bit empty this morning. Dd's are fine, just carrying on as normal which is good. I think I'm just getting cabin fever. Wish we could go out.

Not heard a thing from him. I will try and contact him to see if he can come over to let me go out and do some shopping and things .

Be careful of 'asking' or implying any sense of need. Sorry to say this but it will give him a sense of power over you which he will then exploit by withholding later on etc.

Any friends or family that you could ask instead? Are you able to take all children around to the SiL and he can see them there? Describe it as contact rather than your need

Unlurking to say that I think you're awesome LV!

I have been following this thread and cannot believe how cowardly and cruel your H has been.

Your girls' reaction is testament to the way you have raised them. Keep strong x

Hope the sun is shining in Glasgow today :)

morning LV I woke up this morning wondering how your evening went.

I am so with twunt on your behalf for messing you and the girls around. Hope he didnt come round after pub session to bug you.

Be proud of how you handled the situation, how well your DC reacted and I just want to say what a positive role model you are for 3 young girls. Dont forget that; ever - they wont.

Hope you eventually managed to get a decent sleep. Im not in Scotland, but am Scottish, if you want to PM me, very welcome.

Yes seconding being careful asking him to come round. It does give him the impression that you need him! Also, can you trust him enough to leave him alone in your house? I know that sounds awful but you're seeing a new side to him and ime men cannot be trusted once you've told them its over! Be careful that's all I'm saying love. I understand your need to get out though! Totally sympathise! X

If he did come round I would be making it clear it was solely to see the dd's. he's probably hungover anyway or at OW. I don't need him and will never imply I do, the girls do though.

He didn't come round from the pub or if he did I didn't hear him. My friend is back tomorrow evening so won't see her probably until Monday. I just need to nip out to Tesco for shopping but dd3 is still contagious, not sure I have any other choice but to ask sil to come round for a bit.