Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
imtheonlyone · 05/04/2013 15:09

Another one whooping over fairenuff's post! Brilliant!

I was in no way suggesting that he should never see his kids - that's punishment for the children as well as him. Merely that she had asked for some time to figure out how to handle things and that should be respected. But cheeky really of him to get his sister to call and ask as well!

I'm sure OP, you will find exactly the right words to explain to your DDs the situation. I've not doubt it will be awfully difficult for you saying it out loud to them but IMO honesty is certainly the way forward. Not necessarily that he has a girlfriend more that he has lied and seen another woman when married to you and that is wrong.

My XH is an arse, pays no maintenance and yet he sees the children on a regular basis. I will not be the one who steps out of line - I leave that all to him and he manages to fuck up all the time! As they grow older the children will figure this out for themselves. But for now I would never disrespect their 'daddy' to them. (No matter how much I want to!)

Good luck OP, thinking of you and hope your littlest OP recovers soon x

tightfortime · 05/04/2013 15:13

Just picked up on this after no wifi for few days...

You?re amazing, truly amazing, what strength. So impressed that despite meeting and settling young, you can see there is no way back after he repeatedly lied to you. I wish so many others - myself included for a very long time - had your SE.

Other posters have put it far better but didn?t want to lurk. Just offer a handhold.

I would text and remind him that by insisting on seeing the kids, you will be forced to explain why he isn?t away working and can he not see it?s time for some space? Then you will agree to meet him in person to discuss future. You will never stop him seeing the kids but right now, everyone needs to calm down.

re: Telling the kids: Be sure you are ready for ?why?? Even though XH and I sat down and told the stepkids (teens) and our DC who was four seperately, first question both times was ?why??

Teens were as equally flabbergasted as the small one as we had ?hidden? it so well. No affair (he was EA), but the ?we don?t love each other anymore? doesn?t cut it.

The teens worked it out by his outrageous behaviour afterwards but the small one still grills me every day as to why her perfect daddy and I can?t get back together.

Be as honest as you can from the start.

Best of luck, well done

Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 15:25

He's coming over about 6pm. I feel I have no choice but to tell them tonight. I'll try and talk to him alone tonight before anything is said though. I have a feeling he is not going to approve of telling them and I can't blame him. Telling 3 little people who totally adore you that you won't be living with them anymore isn't exactly appealing. I'm pretty sure he'll leave it to me which is fine. Judging by his texts he seems in denial, offering to bring a takeaway, bottle of wine and having time alone when dd's go to bed. I think I know what he's aiming for. That was what we used to do on a Friday night, things have changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 15:28

Oh and my nap isn't happening, the child 3 doors down keeps ringing the doorbell every 10 minutes!

OP posts:
StrangeDays · 05/04/2013 15:30

He just doesn't get it, does he. Sad

imtheonlyone · 05/04/2013 15:35

Did you text him back? Personally I would say no to both the takeaway and the wine. May well give him false hope that things can be worked out. It sounds like he is completely in denial and that he will be able to talk you round. Good luck. We're all thinking of you and be sure to let us know how you get on!

pictish · 05/04/2013 15:35

A takeaway, a bottle of wine and some alone time? Really?

There's a guy right there, who intrinsically deep down does not believe he has done anything wrong. That this is a mere blip that you need to get over.

pictish · 05/04/2013 15:36

Text back
No thanks to takeaway and wine. See you at 6.

imtheonlyone · 05/04/2013 15:36

Oh and I'm sure he doesn't want the kids to know anything - but seriously, what does he expect? And I'm sure he wasn't thinking of their sad little faces when he with OW Hmm. Be strong. You're so brave X

Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 15:52

He is seriously winding me up. I've told him its the worst idea ever. He doesn't get it. I've told him AGAIN it's over, apparently I don't mean it. He has deleted OW number and promised not to see her again. Even though he was at hers yesterday. Wtf. I am going to crack soon.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 05/04/2013 15:53

ooh like a date!? wow.

just wow at his level of not getting it.

swallowedAfly · 05/04/2013 15:54

x posted - LV you might be better going out altogether if you can. he is unbelievable.

Sugarice · 05/04/2013 15:54

Gather your strength LV, thinking of you and your girls.

I would text back and say no takeaway or wine thanks.

Sugarice · 05/04/2013 15:55

x post.

pictish · 05/04/2013 15:56

Well it seems his idea of fidelity is a million miles away from your. And everyone else's.

He really thinks this is no biggie huh? He's going to sit there and say "I'm so sorry...it will never happen again"...yet his core values tell him it's fine.

Sugarice · 05/04/2013 15:57

He is going to try to grind you down, stay strong and don't fall for his flannel!

pictish · 05/04/2013 15:58

He's promised not to see her again has he?
Well that's big of him. What a grand gesture! You ought to be flattered he thinks so highly of you!

Hmm
swallowedAfly · 05/04/2013 15:59

i think thinking you don't mean it is a massive insult actually! how dare he? does that mean you're a silly girl who doesn't know what she wants? or that you're just playing games but of course you'll forgive him? wtf?

really, really insulting.

clam · 05/04/2013 16:00

Deleted her number? Oh well, that makes it all OK then! What an arse.

Areyoumadorisitme · 05/04/2013 16:03

He was at hers yesterday??

Blimey, he really doesn't get it.

I really hope tonight goes ok for you OP, be strong and don't let him away with saying anything wrong to the kids, correct him there and then if you have to.

One way someone I knew put it was that to be married you have rules, and daddy broke one of the most important rules so the marriage is over. Both still love kids etc etc obviously. I thought that was an appropriate simple and truthful explanation.

(My DSDs still don't know aged 22 and nearly 25 that their mum had an affair with her now husband (DH's ex best friend). We kept it quiet but there are times we'd have loved them to understand, still it kept the peace for the last 19 years.)

imtheonlyone · 05/04/2013 16:04

Oh LV, I want to batter him for you!!! What a fool. Perhaps him coming over to see the children is a bad idea if he can't yet accept that it's over?

Loulybelle · 05/04/2013 16:05

When you see him just act like your in a business meeting, you negotiating a deal, thats it, no emotion, just business.

Dont let him tell you, you dont mean it, just keep saying it, "Its over" is all you need to say.

nightmaretime · 05/04/2013 16:13

You need to change your name from Loserville to Loseaprick

DreamingofSummer · 05/04/2013 16:35

OP

You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.

ShabbyChit · 05/04/2013 16:38

OP, you are doing an amazing job so far for you and your DC, well done!
From what you have said it sounds like he is acting as though he has made a little mistake like going out on a bender with the boys or forgotten your birthday or something!
He can't seem to understand the enormity of what he has done and thinks a 'date night' will make it up to you Hmm

You need to continue to be firm and strong if you see him tonight, I agree with Loulybelle above, act like a business deal. Keep repeating clear, to the point phrases in a firm voice. Don't let him worm his way back into your emotions. fucking prick

Big hugs for you and your DC Thanks

Swipe left for the next trending thread