wannabe
my post was more in reference to other posters who are second guessing how the h will react to the kids, saying don't let him see them because he will tell them what he wants, he has made this situation so he shouldn't think he can just see his kids etc etc.
No-one has said he can't see his kids. Everyone has said that the children need to be told before he sees them.
There is a difference, do you see?
And the reason that they need to be told is that he tells lies. Therefore it is extremely likely that he will lie to his children.
Do you understand so far?
There is definitely some encouragement of using the kids as weapons here but that encouragement is coming from other posters, hence my suggestion that you get some rl support as these threads can be very enabling of behaviors which in the heat of the moment might seem a good idea but which in retrospect may not
Op has never once suggested using the children as a weapon. She has done everything she can to protect them from unnecessary emotional hurt. She knows full well that they will have to be told and that they will see their dad. She simply wanted him to allow the children a couple of days grace before their world was turned upside down.
He doesn't want to do that, he wants to see them sooner. So they will have to be told sooner.
Still with us?
Right now the op is in a state where she feels the relationship is definitely over. However how many posters do we see here who make that decision in the heat of the moment only to have a civilised discussion about it and decide to at least try to work things out
Sadly, the greatest measure of whether the relationship is over is the self esteem of the injured party. Those with high self esteem know for a fact that they are worth more. They know that they will never see the cheating person in the same light, they will never trust them again 100 percent, they will never respect them as highly or love them quite so deeply. They know this, wannabe, just instinctively and they are right. It will never, ever be the same. They know that they do not have to settle for less than complete fidelity, as promised.
Those with low self esteem will say I'm not worth it. What, break up the whole family because of me? Because I can't forgive and forget. I should really try harder. Yes, I know he's done wrong but he's so very, very sorry and the children love him so much. How will I cope on my own, what will people say about me. Oh dear, it's much easier if we just start again and carry on. I can bear this hurt and pain, for my children.
See? It's exactly the same situation but the person with high self esteem will absolutely not take this crap from anyone. Op knows her worth and she is right. What is the point in talking it over. He shagged another woman, he lied about it, He's still lying to anyone who cares to listen.
Op has had a civilised discussion with him. First he ignored all her calls and texts. Then he lied about his mates messing about with hs phone. Then he ignored all her calls and texts again. Then he finally shuffled into the house and squeaked 'sorry'. On top of that, he lied again to minimise what had happened. Then he left the house and lied to his sister.
Seeing a pattern here?
How is that going to help the kids if she's already told them that daddy has a girlfriend?
It will help because it's honest. The children will hear all sorts when they go back to school. People talk. Children overhear. School children talk to each other. I work in a school and you might be surprised what the children tell me. Especially the 7 and 10 year old. If their own parents aren't honest with them, they will believe all the rumours they hear and they will feel that they can't talk to their parents about it.
What you are advocating, actually, is not telling them at all. Pretending that there is nothing wrong, or just saying Mum and Dad are going through a difficult time.
This is the worst of all choices. It's not definite enough to say they are going to split, or that they aren't. The most emotionally difficult time for children, when it shows in their behaviour, is the time between problems starting in a relationship and parents separating. All that uncertainty, anger, hurt, distrust, worry, pain that cheated partners live with when trying to rebuild a relationship has a devastating affect on the children. The actual separation is often an emotional relief for those children and after the split, they generally settle back into their old self very well.
Three days and no discussion yet is not enough time to definitely know that things are definitely over, maybe they are, maybe there is a way back, interestingly, the majority of relationships do recover after an affair
This is simply not true. The majority of relationships limp on for a few more months, typically 12 - 18 months but sometimes for several unhappy years, after an affair.
The vast majority eventually end in separation. Many, many couples do stay together 'for the sake of the children' but all good childcare professionals will tell you that this is, in fact, emotionally damaging to children and can have an adverse affect on all their future relationships.
Sitting the kids down and saying that daddy has a girlfriend just three days after discovering the fact is really not a good idea, especially when the op and her h haven't even had a conversation about this yet
Finally, you will see, now that it's all been explained, that op has little other choice when considering what is best for the children. She has to tell them now and she has to be honest with them. In an age appropriate way, obviously. So this is what this brave woman is going to do.
This is a support thread for the op. The split is final. She has made that decision. If you don't want to support her decision that's fine, but please don't post urging her to think again.
Op is looking for support. She has no parents or siblings. Her few close friends are away on holiday. She is alone with three children to care for for a few days until her friends are back. She is suffering from shock.
We are helping by listening to her, respecting her feelings, sharing our own experiences in similar situations and signposting towards practical help. Some posters who live nearer have offered to meet for coffee and help in whatever way they can.
Everyone has encouraged rl support. If this is what you call 'enabling' then I think you misunderstand the word. And I think you possibly have misunderstood the whole thread.
Right, OP, sorry to take up so much space on your thread with mahoosive post but I thought these points neeeded to be addressed once and for all so that we are all clear what's happening here. Sorry if I've got any of it wrong x
As you were 