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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 05/04/2013 09:54

wannabe seems to have comprehension problems - mistaking people saying 'don't let him tell the children on his own' for 'don't let him see the children'. anyway - hopefully that's done now and thread can go back to being a support for you LV.

you're not doing anything wrong. how's dd now? can't believe you're dealing with CP on top of this - awesome timing universe!!!

CabbageLeaves · 05/04/2013 09:58

OP you do what you wish to. Lying to the DC can be to protect him or them.... When he takes them out next and they perhaps meet the OW in the park I doubt they'll feel that protected. Confused? Yes.

I think children of that age can understand Mummy is very sad. Daddy has a girlfriend and we are not going to be living together. He does love you however and I also love you very very much. I will always be mummy and you can always talk to me. I'm not leaving

Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 10:00

She's ok, the spots don't seem to be itching. She was a bit restless during the night so a bit sleepy but apart from that she's her normal self, thanks.

OP posts:
Jacaqueen · 05/04/2013 10:01

LV I can only hope that if ever I find myself in your situation, that I manage to handle it all as well as you seem to be doing.

If you decide to tell the children this morning I would let the father come and see them at your house this afternoon. That way he can see all of his children at once and do some parenting, maybe cook their dinner. You can go out and treat yourself to a coffee, bit of shopping, cinema, whatever you fancy.

Take care.

MTBMummy · 05/04/2013 10:04

Hi LV - just wanted to add my support, please ignore people who aren't following what you are saying, there's always a handful of them.

You're doing brilliantly given all that life has thrown at you this last week.

Take your time, get your head round it and take it from there. Remember you need to look after yourself as you need to be in a good shape to help and support your kids

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 05/04/2013 10:05

Glad to see you back here, op Smile

Lukat · 05/04/2013 10:05

You are doing great.... You know your own children so do what you think is best.
Good luck. Xx

swallowedAfly · 05/04/2013 10:11

yes if you could bear for him to be in the house then it would be a good idea imo to let him look after them whilst you go out. it will also make very clear from the outset that you're not stopping him seeing the children but that that is entirely separate from seeing you/the state of your relationship. it will also make the point that childcare is still his responsibility as well as yours.

iirc the tenancy is in your name so zero instability or issues there - you and the children carry on as before. without being too nosy how is your financial position? whilst you have the children at home anyway now might be a good time for phonecalls and form filling - re: let tax credit office know that you are now lone parenting and contact csa. far easier to do everything officially right from the off in my opinion.

bleedingheart · 05/04/2013 10:13

You are being incredibly strong and fair. Far better for their relationship with him that you keep your distance for a few days. You didn't have them in the house when you asked him to leave, you are looking after a poorly ch

BabsAndTheRu · 05/04/2013 10:18

I've been watching this thread as well, no advice to give but just wanted to say I think you are an amazing lady. You are coping so well with this, and I think having the couple of days with the kids thinking their dad is working away was a really good idea. Like one of the other posters said what an idiot to be have done this to such lovely person. Good luck op, wishing you and your children the very best.

bleedingheart · 05/04/2013 10:19

You are being incredibly strong and fair. Far better for their relationship with him that you keep your distance for a few days. You didn't have them in the house when you asked him to leave, you are looking after a poorly child too FFS. You are being very reasonable.
Keep going, best wishes to you.

bleedingheart · 05/04/2013 10:20

Please excuse my part-post!

toffeelolly · 05/04/2013 10:25

Op , do not listen to anybody you do what is right for you and your children,I think you so strong and sound like a really good mother your dd's should be so proud of you. Hope your little dd feel's better soon. x

kittybiscuits · 05/04/2013 10:25

I agree with bleeding heart OP. Sending you a hug and strength. If their father could be trusted to tell the children that the marriage is over because of his actions (no details) all well and good. If he's going to tell them 'Mummy doesn't love Daddy any more and has made him leave' then a simple 'Daddy has a girlfriend now' is the fairest explanation. You are amazing x

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 05/04/2013 10:27

LV I hope DD just has a mild case of pox and not too bad.

You need to do what you feel is right in telling the DC. Of course they will be upset, but Im sure you can explain that living apart is better and you still love them all.

Then you can decide whether or not to let SIL be 3rd party to hosting your children at hers to see their Dad.

In your own time. You must still be in shock I think, its only been a couple of days.

Inertia · 05/04/2013 10:31

Wannabe - you seem to suggest that the alternatives are to either tell the children that Daddy is leaving because he has met someone else, or everybody floats along in a blameless bubble with no consequences resulting from MrLoser's actions.

Given that MrLoser has already tried to shift blame by telling his sister that he'd had to move out because he and LV had fallen out, and bearing in mind the number of times he lied to LV, I think it's more realistic to suggest that if the children are not told an age-appropriate version of the truth he is likely to mislead the children and shift blame onto LV. And that's certainly not in their best interest, as LV is left picking up the pieces.

cjel · 05/04/2013 10:31

FWIW Ithink you couldn't have dealt with this any better if you had written the book. I am thinking of you as you have to tell you dcs. Ihope you have the right words to use and say what you know is right with regards to how much to tell them. I have mixed feelings about telling them about gfr or not. when my h did it my grandchildren had to be told and they weren't told about 'her' as it was painful for us, so we didn't want to have to talk about 'her' and 'them' but I can see how some of the confusion and upset they felt may have been eased in a way if they had known from the start. Its 2 yrs on and they still don't openly talk about 'her' and have no wish to ever meet her or 'them' I am thinking about you this morning.

CabbageLeaves · 05/04/2013 10:44

My DC told me a few yrs later they wished they'd known and they wished we'd been honest from the beginning. They knew they weren't being given the whole story and were left to imagine what the missing bits were (fearing all sorts of horrible stuff)

sassy34264 · 05/04/2013 11:14

My parents sat myself and my brother down at 15 and 12 respectively.

My dad was in a right state, my mum putting on her strong face (although we didn't know that)

They didn't tell us it was a permanent split, because unbeknown to us, my dad had threatened to kill himself and so my mum had had to talk him into just giving her some space.

We wasn't told the reason, as my mum thought my dad should be the one to tell us and he was too cowardly.

He had cheated obviously.

I guessed eventually, but it was very bewildering (to put it mildy) at the time. My younger brother hated my mum for quite a few weeks until i eventually realised he blamed her, cos all he could see was my dad crying and my mum keeping herself together for us. I told him in the end.

It was tbh, a right mess of a way of telling us.

We are both extremely close to our mum. Our relationship with our dad has never recovered. I see him on special occasions. My brother even less.

Thought i'd just share in case it helps to see how not to do it.

They are younger than we were, but it's very confusing to see your parents split up without an explanation. They really really need one imho.

Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 11:17

He's coming over at tea time, I think I need to find out first if this relationship with ow is serious or if its over for good. If its over I'm not sure telling them about her is for the best? I don't know, I'm stressing. This is the one thing I need to get right.,

OP posts:
Nellymay · 05/04/2013 11:18

L'ville I've been checking your posts 2-3 times a day - i am probably old enough to be your mum and i understand exactly what you're doing and why - i too am a bit of a loner and self sufficient and i would also give myself some space a few days to think and try to find a way forward for myself and the kids. its important that you do it your way and nobody else's way.

When i left my first husband i just did it that was it, i knew i'd had enough and there was no point trying to work things out, the best advice i was given was an 80 year old lady who said to me "time heals everything" and i found it to be so true - it sounds like a platitude but it isn't

I can't give you more or better advice than you are having from all these great M'netters, So i'll just wrap you all in a blanket and keep you safe and sound - youre doing the right thing and i wish you and your DCs the best of luck and happiness x

sassy34264 · 05/04/2013 11:20

Do you need to use the word girlfriend?

I would say that daddy met another lady and had a relationship with her. Which isn't allowed when you are married.

cjel · 05/04/2013 11:27

I have a feeling that it may be better to say their being another friend that daddy took out. it doesn't really matter if its over or not. you dcs should know that someone else is involved? a lot of people on here seem to be saying they hated mum for ending it when they didn't know the truth? I think its not going to hurt less which ever way, just show them love and you're hurt so they get the truth and can't imagine stuff. That seems to come across as what people think was damaging.xx

sassy34264 · 05/04/2013 11:34

No, i never hated my mum. She went from being my mum, to being my mum and my best friend on that fateful day.

My brother didn't hate her but blamed her because he thought she was chucking my dad out for no reason. He soon caught on fast after he got an explanation.

Sorry if that wasn't clear.

We both adore and are in awe of our mum.

Obviously there is more to the story -like freezing joint bank account so she had no money, only paying a measly amount of child maintenace etc- but it isn't relevant here as such.

Only in the sense that it would seem that if they are selfish enough to cheat, they are selfish enough to do other horrible things- so i'd be watching out for that.

swallowedAfly · 05/04/2013 11:35

truth is best imo - however you cushion it - what words you choose etc. they need to know this isn't for no reason and it isn't your fault OP because you are the rock they need to hang onto in the coming months.

if they don't know the facts they will know something is missing and they will fill it with far worse things than an affair like thinking it is their fault or something.