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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
Jux · 04/04/2013 20:03

So if he's too ashamed to tell his sister the truth then he is fully aware of how much he's fucked up; so when he tries to tell you that it was unimportant and he deserves a second chance and forgiveness and all that, it is just chancing it really.

Poor dd Sad, hope she recovers quickly.

Good to see you so strong. I think you're coping admirably.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 04/04/2013 20:55

When my DC had the pox some bicarb in the bath soothed the itchiness - sort of neutralises them. Also some porridge oats in an old tight leg while bath running will help sooth the skin.

I knew he wouldnt tell his sister the truth. Arse that he is.

Doesnt matter whether he is with her or out with mates - if he gave enough of a shit he would be with you, begging forgiveness, trying his best to right his wrongs. Sad That should tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 20:56

I think he's thinking I won't say anything to anyone and welcome him back with open arms after a few days. He is in for a shock.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 04/04/2013 21:11

Poor DD and poor you.

It does sounds like he thinks that it will all blow over, he has to say sorry and be nice to you then things can go back to the way these were before Hmm

Hope you all have a peaceful night.

Rindercella · 04/04/2013 21:33

Poor DD and poor you. Chicken pox is the last thing you need in your house right now. God, you sound so together though (and I know you probably don't feel it, but to be so coherent whilst you have all this rubbish going on around you is pretty bloody amazing).

I think he has behaved appallingly fwiw. Not only did he cheat on you. He - after sending the wrong text to the wrong woman (what an idiot) chose to ignore you and the situation, presumably hoping it would just somehow go away. He then chose to deny everything. He then chose to lie about the extent of his cheating. He then chose to try and blame you for breaking up your marriage. All of the above is incredibly disrespectful and he has in no way demonstrated how he is going to 'fight' for you. But I know you know all this LV. I hope you are managing to get some rest.

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 21:44

Just relaxing now, girls all tucked up in bed, apart from dd3 who is snuggled with me snoring her head off. Can't beat the snuggles.

OP posts:
forgetmenots · 04/04/2013 21:46

You're doing brilliantly. And having some space with your girls to heal is just the best idea. What a fuckwit your husband is to lose that for a cheap shag. You are so much better than him and he knows it.

LifeMovesOn · 04/04/2013 22:15

Ah Hmm so sorry to hear this. You are doing so well, I'm not patronising since I've been there and we all deal with it differently.

His sister will want to offer you her sympathy, sadly though her loyalties will probably have to stay with her brother. I chose not to involve my ex family since it was not their problem, besides they are like the mafia, all gather together. They gave my ex an incredibly hard time (no more than he deserved) and like yours, he moved in with his sister.

Your main priority is to yourself - that way you'll be in a better frame of mind to help your children.

Keep talking things over on here - it really does help.

I wish I was closer to you to offer a friendly shoulder while yours are away.

Hope you get some decent sleep tonight Thanks

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 23:01

His sister has now asked if she can take the girls to hers tomorrow (minus the spotty one) because H is desperate to see them. Fgs I told her I told the girls he was away working. She said he is really upset boofuckinghoo and he has a right to see them. Sounds like he's working his magic and getting her onside.

OP posts:
forgetmenots · 04/04/2013 23:05

OP don't let them speak to your dc before you've told them what is happening, god knows what he might say.

His sister will stick by him.

Bluelightsandsirens · 04/04/2013 23:05

Angry what happens with seeing the DC is between you and him and I would ignore any family messages about what he has a right to unless they suggest a right to fuck the fuck off of course.

Fairenuff · 04/04/2013 23:10

Don't worry about that for now. Just decide what you want to do.

Why not tell sil that you will discuss it directly with him, so that she doesn't get involved as the 'peacemaker'. Personally, I would want to tell the children what's happening first, either alone or together with him, so that you know what they have been told.

Otherwise, he could start filling their heads with his nonsense too.

imtheonlyone · 04/04/2013 23:11

Hi. I've been following this thread and haven't felt that I've had any real advice to add.

I'm so gutted for you and your DDs. You certainly don't deserve any of this.

I wanted to say that you are one hell of an amazing woman. You're dealing with all of this brilliantly and not falling for his 'poor me' act! Unlike his sister clearly!! Please stick to your guns here. Too right boo hop that he's missing his family - GOOD!! Actions have consequences and this is his consequence for cheating!! You absolutely do not have to let them go and see him. What a shame that she appears to be coming round to his side Hmm. He must be putting on quite an act!

Stay strong lovely, there's absolutely nothing they can do. Stand your ground, explain you have told them he is away and any different will just confuse them - which it will. If they go round there they will start asking questions about why dad is there etc etc! Do it your way. Whatever you are comfortable with.

Good luck OP, the support and advice on here for you is amazing. Let it keep you going strong.

FennCara · 04/04/2013 23:13

OP, this is exactly how it fell on me. I thought my SIL was my friend until her brother cheated on me. Hmm

I don't know why it works that way, but it does. Sad

He had 'rights' to my DCs too, to the extent where she entered my house, picked up a bewildered DS and carried him out to see Daddy at the end of the drive. I cannot begin to describe my FURY.

FWIW children have rights to see their parents, not vice versa. Parents have responsibilities not rights.

cjel · 04/04/2013 23:21

I would think its better for him to 'come home' from work when you said he would and then explain to them what has happened. He is going to get used to missing them nows hes messed up isn't he? and he won't be able to have what he wants all the time either now .However lovely dsil is she will always be his sister . My sil told my dd(29) that she had to get over it less than 6 months after!! Don't be spiteful but don't do what you don't want to.xxx

Fairenuff · 04/04/2013 23:22

I'm glad he wants to see the children. He would be even more of a lowlife if he didn't. He must be missing them like crazy.

However, this is all his own doing and he now needs to put what is best for his children before his own selfish wants. Clearly, this is going to be a very hard lesson for him.

carabossse · 04/04/2013 23:26

It's all about him isn't it?
He's not desperate to see the child who is ill, he's not desperate to see his wife (and prove he is sorry, or just offer practical support) he is feeling upset and wants to feel better. Ignoring that it's not a child's job to provide emotional support to a parent (in fact it can be considered abuse.) He's already drawn his sister into his "poor me" routine. He got her to phone his wife!

Unfortunately it's too common for his family to behave like this, be careful what you confide in them ( or what the children say.)

pictish · 04/04/2013 23:26

OP I'm really sorry about all of this.

His sister is going to take his side, and he will be making damn sure she's on it. It's not as though he hasn't seen the kids for weeks or anything...it has been a couple of days. He's not respecting your boundaries, or your request for space at all.
He's making things difficult for you straight away and linking arms with his sister to do so. He's forcing the issue, because he wants this all done and over with, and life back to normal after he has seen the error of his ways and you have forgiven him. His sister now wants that too.

You'll have to look elsewhere for support, but don't be swayed.

Doha · 04/04/2013 23:30

He clearly wasn't missing the DC's when he was sticking his dick in the OW was he?
Tough shit mate, you better get used to not seeing the kids every day, you made your choice when you fucked the OW, you certainly fucked up your life big time and yes you will live to regret it.
Poor DH is upset..upset because he was caught nothing else.
Bastard

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 04/04/2013 23:34

No.
She minds her business regarding visitation. It's between you and him.

Tell her to fuck off or however you want to word it. It's painful and messy enough without family members deciding they get to have an opinion on visitation, especially in such early days.

carabossse · 04/04/2013 23:36

And this business of how much he misses them- 24 hours after he didn't return home from work and didn't say where he was, supposedly on a work's night out? What nonsense.

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 23:37

I'm not going to get involved in some battle of me against them. He can't even do the one thing I asked of him to give me space. I never ever said he wouldn't see the children, but 48 hours since all this happened and he's playing the 'poor me' card. Tough shit, I'm going to have to tell them sooner rather than later incase he shows up here. I just wanted a few days of normality for them before their little lives change for good :( What a selfish man, me me me.

I expected more from his sister, I told her during our phone call all of the above and she agreed. Now she's done a u turn. Maybe me being naive yet again.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 04/04/2013 23:40

I'd remind him of that when you tell them.

I suppose the only positive is it won't be too drawn out for them.

But MAN he is a self absorbed pig. Angry

Doha · 04/04/2013 23:40

Blood is thicker than water OP and your DH has probably spun some sob story about you being unreasonable etc. turning it all on you.
She is not your friend.
I would agree that you have to tell the DC's sooner rather than later, can l ask how old they are ?

pictish · 04/04/2013 23:41

Blood is often thicker than water. Families tend to close ranks at these times.

I agree with everything specialagent and carabosse said just there.

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