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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
Inertia · 04/04/2013 23:45

Of course he wants the children to go to his sister's house. He wants the opportunity to fill their heads with his lies and tales of how mean you are being to him - the last thing he wants is you there telling them the actual truth.

In your shoes I would insist on him coming to the house and you being there while he explains why he's moved out.

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 23:51

They are 5, 7 and 10.

He's not going to try and control this situation, he may think he can but he wont.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/04/2013 23:51

I would also want to know beforehand what he intended to tell them. You need to agree between you what terminology you use. Preferably write it down so that he can't backtrack.

Fairenuff · 05/04/2013 00:24

Another thought, op. It might be a good idea to get the locks changed so that he has to knock on the door when he comes round.

I am pretty sure that, in his mind, he really does think it will all blow over once you've 'calmed down'. He probably hasn't given a thought to telling the children anything other than 'mum and dad have fallen out' - the same lies he spun for his sister.

Once he is faced with the truth, that he has to tell them he won't be coming home and he has to knock on what used to be his own front door, I think the seriousness of his situation will start to sink in.

MummyOfSunbeam · 05/04/2013 00:34

Op - not at all loser! - you are fantastic.

As others have recommended do change the locks - important symbol too - and woah that bitch sil - how dare she speak of rights and advocate for him.

All all good wishes and admiration for your classiness

pollypandemonium · 05/04/2013 00:37

If you really want to meet him then ask the sister to be there as well and have a witness there for yourself too. I say this because it prevents the 'he said/she said' nonsense that happens when families close ranks and take sides. She needs to see the situation as it really is and not just her brother's version.

Gingerbread are very good with giving advice about benefits and rights for single parents.

Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 00:37

Thanks, that's a good idea. I don't want him trying to make sly digs or turn things round when we tell them.

I have his key already. I took it off his key ring yesterday morning. He probably hasn't noticed.

OP posts:
Jux · 05/04/2013 00:38

I suspect he won't tell them, if he can avoid it. TBH, op, I'd tell them myself, to make sure it's done sensitively, truthfully and without blame. I think you are going to have to tell them quite soon; it doesn't seem hugely likely that he's going to respect your request for space for very long.

Maybe if you told his sister that you have no intention of preventing contact except for this initial short time. Remind her that parents don't have rights either, as has already been said.

If he wants to show he really is remorseful so you can continue to parent jointly and cooperatively, he will "suffer in silence" for this short time. This is the consequence of his own actions.

pollypandemonium · 05/04/2013 00:38

Have you got someone who can be there with you?

pollypandemonium · 05/04/2013 00:41

I agree with Jux that you should tell them yourself and as soon as possible what's going on.

chairyhin · 05/04/2013 00:45

Change your name ..where are you ?

Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 00:46

My first thought yesterday was I wanted to be the one who told them. I know them inside out, I know how to handle their tears. I think it could be more upsetting having him there. Also, he could point blank refuse to be part of that conversation anyway. I imagine him using lines like 'mummy doesn't want me living here anymore'.

OP posts:
Milly22 · 05/04/2013 00:56

Hi, new to post and read the first couple of comments 2 days ago and really thought there would have been a simple explanation. What a complete and wanker Angry. You sound like a really strong lady and fab mum. Since deciding to divorce my H after Christmas (no affair, just thinks the sun shines through his own arse, a hairy one at that!) the ladies on mumsnet have been an amazing support and when I was having really bad day somebody would comment and bring a smile to my face Smile. Thinking of you Flowers

Milly22 · 05/04/2013 01:03

Yes, you've got to tell them yourself, he lied to you and initially to your SIL so he'd probably twist the truth to them too. Tell them asap while there's a couple of days before they go back to school so it'll sink in. Told ds on the 1st Sunday of the Easter Hols and he broke his little hart initially (he's 9) but when we sat down and explained things to him he was ok. He's had nearly two weeks for it to sink in without worrying about school. Just keep on talking to them and answer any questions you can. They will adjust and be a massive support to you and as parents, we often don't give them enough credit on how well they deal with things.

pollypandemonium · 05/04/2013 01:07

I just read some more of your posts and I see that you have no family and you are also very close to his family. That's going to make it so much harder for you, have you got friends to support you?

Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 01:28

Thanks Milly

Polly, I have 2 or 3 friends I can call on. Tbh I'm a bit of a loner, I like my own company and I tend to not really open up to people in RL. I usually deal with things on my own. Probably not the healthiest option but works for me. H was my best friend, he was the only person I completely trusted. The irony.

OP posts:
pollypandemonium · 05/04/2013 01:31

That's probably a good thing if you are emotionally self-sufficient but I can see how that would have made H such a big part of your life. Did you say your DD has CP?

Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 01:36

Yes she does Polly, not too many spots just now.

OP posts:
pollypandemonium · 05/04/2013 01:37

Ah chicken pox. I thought you meant cerebral palsy!

pollypandemonium · 05/04/2013 01:38

That takes you one notch down on the sympathy rating. Wink

Original poster
Loserville · 05/04/2013 01:40

Oops did not realise when I abbreviated it earlier.

OP posts:
pollypandemonium · 05/04/2013 01:43

I'm a SN parent we talk and read in code.

Bogeyface · 05/04/2013 01:58

No excuse Polly, I have a CP child and even I got that it was Chicken Pox! Not OP's fault you cant keep up :o

DHtotalnob · 05/04/2013 03:19

Just wanted to add my vote to 'tell them yourself' (or both together ideally, although that doesn't seem possible in your case) . It's a crappy thing to have to do, but it's ....... aw crap, can't word it without sounding all schmaltzy.

Remember when they had their jabs and you desperately didn't want to see them go through that? But you did because you knew it was you they needed. This is exactly the same.

I've just been through the same. For me it summed up pretty powerfully just what I was prepared to do for my children, and what he wasn't.

Thinking of you OP

swallowedAfly · 05/04/2013 07:08

agree it needs to come from you and very soon LV.

i think be honest with them - tell them that sadly you found out he has a girlfriend and marriage means you promise not to have any other girlfriends. i don't think you can lie and i don't think telling the truth is blame laying - it's just the facts.

you obviously tell them he still loves them and they'll still see him but i wouldn't lie about why you two are splitting especially because of the age span - the older would suss it out and tell the younger ones anyway and then they risk feeling lied to.