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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
Cuddlydragon · 04/04/2013 13:24

I've been lurking and only just caught up. I'm so sorry it turned out like this, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Please change your username, it simply doesn't apply. I admire how strong and dignified you've been. I don't have any personal experience or advice, but I notice you're Glasgow based, I am too, vaguely south side. I'm happy to offer any practical help I can, just pm me. I think you sound like you've got good RL support though, but just in case. Best wishes OP.

Xales · 04/04/2013 13:46

If no one else has said it please get yourself a complete STI check asap.

Also even if you have no intention of taking him back tell him his first step is a complete STI check himself. Humiliating and drives home what a selfish wanker he has been.

I have never heard a cheater when caught go OK you have caught me and tell everything. They minimise and tell what little they can get away to protect themselves (not their partner even if they say this is what they are doing).

/hugs

MarinaIvy · 04/04/2013 13:54

Hi, I haven't read all the posts (just yours), since I'm trying to Catch Up in a Hurry, so I don't know if anybody else has suggested this: OP, early on, you mentioned that his workmate collected him. Others suggested that this may well be a ruse, I saw one poster even mention an entire ring of cheaters "going out to work".

Your ex-DH's workmate is aiding and abetting cheating. Is he married? Do you know his wife?

You see where I'm going with this... I'd seriously consider giving her a ring and telling her what you know about your own exDH, it's entirely up to her if she chooses to employ the element of surprise in checking her own DH's texts, etc.

Honestly, this is the only contribution I can make because I think you're doing brilliantly! I accept that you might be feeling like a walking pile of jelly inside, but I'm blown away by how strong and resolved you are and - for want of better word, sorry - efficiently? you've turned this corner.

Thanks. I don't feel strong at all, I think I'm in autopilot. What's the alternative? Have him here, give him another chance, constantly worry everytime he goes out, check his phone. I couldn't live like that, it's mental tortue. This isn't a walk in the park but it sure as hell beats all that. I don't want to end up a paranoid wreck. I'd rather suffer this pain knowing it won't last forever.

^^ This - there should be a Mumsnet statue of you. You've got a clarity that is almost amazing at this stage in the process.

And what Fairenuff said about character - that too, with bells on.

It is said by wise people that courage isn't "never being afraid", but pressing on despite your fears. I think strength must be defined not as "never feeling weak", but doing what's right, no matter how weak you feel or how hard it may seem.

If your FW learns nothing else, he'll learn that he can't get away with things like this and women aren't that dumb. OK, that leaves several billion more men on the planet that need their own lessons, but it's a start - you've done your bit! Grin

Sorry, long - but sometimes a thread will stir me to sheer f&^%ing (probably bad) poetry, and you, non-Loserville are one of those times.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/04/2013 13:55

I know alot of folks do alot of communication with texting, superficial soundbites, and see nothing wrong with it. It is fine for arranging playdates and saying that the plane has landed ok etc. But the kind of communication that Bag of Slimeshit husband should be doing with you should be done face to face.

Squeaking out a minimized "sorry" (sorry for himself more like) and the "it's not what it looks like, it's not what you think" line: don't all the little boys learn to say that when they are behind the wood shed learning the naughty-naughty as the go to line in case they get caught? The channel of excuses...just filing through them chapter and verse, isn't he? Not a shred of sincerity anywhere.

Using texting to "fight for you"...more like fight with you. It is so cowardly, as others have said, to text things like the line blaming you for the split. I can picture him huddled with his work buddies debating what ball of crap to text next...ring the doorbell and run! Btw, I hope his work buddies are having a good laugh at his expense; he is getting just what he deserves. I wonder how many of them have turned him down for a place to kip...

Sorry, I digress. Perhaps you might consider getting a new phone/number to spare yourself from his juvenile tantrums, and then communicate via solicitor exclusively as suggested above.

I am sorry you didn't get the 'happily ever after'. It is important to grieve that, for yourself. Flowers for you and get well soon for your dd. "Take each day one step at a time, and time will take care of the rest". {{hug}}

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 04/04/2013 13:57

loser you will never get the details from him, only what he wants you to hear. Sad

If friends already knew then it has probably gone on longer than he said too.

Im sure plenty of rl friends will help you out if needed, but you are strong and doing really well.

Dont be ashamed to tell people what has happened, in no way is any of this your fault.

KoPo · 04/04/2013 13:57

OP (I will not call you loser as you are so far from that)

Well done for taking firm and decisive action. Your doing just great! This is the second thread in relationships that I am following closely and on both of them the cheated on partner has acted in a similar way and has done well to say enough.
Take whatever small comfort you can from the fact that you are creating a stable and solid place for your children no matter what. as SAF has already said they will see your strength and will respect that as they grow up. I know that right now your world has been shattered and that everything is feeling very raw, take your time as you heal without him.

Good luck in your future without the deadweight that was your (not so)DH. I and a good number of people on here admire your courage.

Inertia · 04/04/2013 14:31

L-ville (you are so not a loser - Wifeofloserville would be much more accurate ) - you are awesome. Glad to see you the children are keeping you busy ( though I hope they don't all end up poorly with chicken pox).

Your husband takes the biscuit doesn't he? All about what he deserves - nothing about how you and the children deserve to keep your happiness. He ended the marriage when he had sex with another woman - as PPs have said , he blew his second chance the second time he went with her.

Given his lies and seemingly endless ability to make out hoe hard done to he is, it would probably be wise to tell the children together just so he can't spin his lies their way.

Stay strong, you are doing a fantastic job.

MadamFolly · 04/04/2013 14:36

OP, you are doing so well. Deffo tell everyone including his family, he does not deserve to have his filthy little secrets covered up.

MarinaIvy · 04/04/2013 14:48

Ooh, wouldn't it be brilliant if your DC has the chickenpox (and you and other DCs have had it already) but neither exDH nor OW have had it? And now they do? As adults?

Oooh. That's just evil. Gorgeously, deliciously, deservedly evil...

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 04/04/2013 15:49

marina that would be the karma fairy in full action mode! Grin

MarinaIvy · 04/04/2013 15:57

The karma fairy is a bitch. But she's mainly on our side...

Loserville · 04/04/2013 16:10

Dd3 definitely has CP :( Done lots of baking too. I could sleep for a week. I told the children Dad is working away for a few days so won't worry about that for now. Both off us telling them is probably best but I can't face that just yet especially having to see him. Received another text from him asking for his phone charger and a couple of other things he needs. I've put them in the boot of the car for him to collect and told him not to come near the house as I've told dd's he's working away. He said fine.

I've had a few wobbles where my heart actually aches missing him, but had a word with myself about that.

OP posts:
MarinaIvy · 04/04/2013 16:12

And have you told people yet, non-loser?

LibertineLover · 04/04/2013 16:13

Oh love, it's crapper than crap, stay strong, it will be alright you know {{{{{{{{ big hug }}}}}}}

Loserville · 04/04/2013 16:16

No haven't told anyone. Well apart from my friend that's away in holiday. I'm sure his sister knows as he said hes staying there. Haven't heard from her though.

OP posts:
undercoverSAHM · 04/04/2013 16:19

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Perhaps if you have been together since you were so young, it is just a minor exploration on the part of your h that won't be repeated.....?

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and your family well.

Fairenuff · 04/04/2013 16:26

I bet he hasn't told her, op. He's probably said you've had a row or something. If she knew you were separating, she'd have been in touch, I'm sure.

You are bound to miss him. You will grieve for the old relationship that you thought you had. It will be very, very tough for a while. Good days and bad. Just concentrate on getting through one hour at a time x

worldgonecrazy · 04/04/2013 16:27

So sorry you're going through this.

I liked the advice about phoning his workmate's wife. If he and his workmates are enabling each other in this behaviour, they probably have convinced themselves that shagging women you are not married to is normal behaviour.

He is a cowardly shit. You are stronger than you know. Good luck with breaking free of this dirty liar.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 04/04/2013 16:29

really undercover that still doesnt make it ok though. And his reaction or rather non reaction since has been absolutely shit. No excuse can make it 'right'

op please tell some people in real life, friends, his family. Chances are he has given his sister a cock n bull shit story and she is clueless.

Fairenuff · 04/04/2013 16:30

undercover 'minor exploration'. Really? Comments like that are not helpful to op at the moment. Please don't insult her feelings by minimising his behaviour.

Bluelightsandsirens · 04/04/2013 16:34

Enjoy those cakes, great thinking about putting his stuff in the boot.

You are doing so well x

littlemissbunny · 04/04/2013 16:36

This is my first post on this thread as I've only just read it all but I just wanted to add my support and say well done for being so strong.

If you feel like crying just do it, there is no shame at all in it, and sometimes it can be a great release.

Good luck for the future, take care of yourself you are important too.

Fairydogmother · 04/04/2013 16:36

I thought committing to someone (even more so in a marriage) meant you didn't 'explore' other people Hmm

iloveweetos · 04/04/2013 16:37

OP you are amazingly strong..horrible that this is the outcome!
nothing can explain cheating away.

Look after yourself and stand your ground as you are doing.
xx

littlemissbunny · 04/04/2013 16:38

And forgot to say hope DD is ok, and I recommend antihistamine syrup for the itching.