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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
toffeelolly · 04/04/2013 11:03

Just think you have your children thats all you need. x

woopsidaisy · 04/04/2013 11:05

Just take your time, each day as it comes. You do not need to rush any decisions. He will just have to accept that you need space and time to process.

And yay about staying off the fags. I quit 15 months ago. Stay with it, if you go back on them you will be in the same place but a smoker again to boot! You quit for a reason, remember that.

ladyjadie · 04/04/2013 11:11

I'd say the 'second chance' was blown when he didn't text you back/answer your calls/had a 'call out' Hmm

Third chance? Blown when he went to his 'works night out' (double Hmm )

I'd say he's being a bit fucking thick if he thinks he deserves anything

Fairenuff · 04/04/2013 11:14

As it is, you know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to question your decisions or wonder about the what ifs. You didn't cheat. You didn't lie about where you were, what you were doing, who you were seeing. You didn't leave him to care for the children whilst you sought out cheap sexual thrills. You didn't disregard the feelings of the people close to you. You didn't abandon your children all for the sake of a quick grapple. He did all that. On his own.

Everyone deserves a second chance. Well he had his second chance. The second time he texted her. The second time he spoke to her. The second time he saw her. The second time he shagged her. He had a chance to stop. To think wtf am I doing? But he didn't. According to him, he went back for thirds. And that is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

Where did he meet her? Was he looking? Was he paying her? Were there any others? These are things that you will probably never know because he will never be honest about it. And you will never be able to trust him because he has proved himself a self-centred liar.

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2013 11:38

this will sound awful but he really sounds like a horrid man - driving round in his van sending leery texts like, 'get your boobs out' to some woman having just waved goodbye to his wife and kids.

did you get together young OP? do you think you as who you are now would have picked him as a partner? i think getting a really clear picture of who he is and who you are now may help. to me you sound worth a hell of a lot more than a 'get your boobs out love' kind of neanderthal.

sleeton · 04/04/2013 11:41

Yes, me too, I would agree with what Erebus has said. This 'You've ended the marriage!' text, I would have responded (as someone else said) 'No, when you chose to have sex with another woman, you ended the marriage. And I am not, repeat not going to enter into any discussion that tries to put the blame on me. You know who broke up this marriage, and so do I. I suggest you don't dare try and turn this back on me ever again'

It would be good if you could make this clear to him in response to his text. His text does imply that, already, his mind is groping around trying to create a 'shared blame situation'. You do not deserve that, he has no right to try do that ... especially on top of what he HAS done.

sassy34264 · 04/04/2013 11:48

I read this the other night and have just come back and seen it unfold. I'm so sorry.

I'll echo what other's have said- You are amazing and strong.

I totally agree with you on the rationale for not taking him back. I'm also of the opinion (after reading mn relationship boards for far too long) that it is a lot of heartache, paranoia and too much like a long hard slog to be worth it.

I'd sooner hurt for a bit too, (even though it is awful) and get rid of the dead wood.

I wouldn't be able to stop the anger, resentment and utter lack of respect from growing inside me, if he was lying by me in bed at night. not to mention the irresistable urge to put a knife between his shoulder blades

Stay strong. x

youarewinning · 04/04/2013 11:53

I'm so sorry to hear what happened - only jut come onto this thread.

Great advice a always from MNers - can I also say you sound so sensible and level headed and your posts are so sincere and heartfelt.

Although your world has just crumbled something tell me you and your children are going to be jut fine. Thanks

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 11:56

We were young when we met, met at 18, married 2 years later. The last 12 years have been near perfect. Yes, we had our arguments but nothing major.,I think it would be easier if our marriage had been terrible. Looks like I don't know him at all.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 04/04/2013 11:58

No, it's not that you didn't know him. It's that he chose to hide a part of who he is from you. That is NOT your fault.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/04/2013 12:01

If he had rushed home, admitted the truth, begged for forgiveness and taken full responsibility for his cheating actions then he might have deserved a second chance.

I know how shocking it is to realise the man you married isn't who you thought he was. As it sounds like he cheated because he wanted it all, I am sure if you looked back, you will realise he has been selfish but you chose to overlook these incidents.

Fairydogmother · 04/04/2013 12:06

How you could have known that side of him - it was only by chance you discovered it

Instead of coming and telling you that he wanted out of the marriage he chose to cheat and in the sleaziest way possible

sorry mate but life doesnt work like that

you're being brilliant - yes there are rotten days to come but always always remember that you will look back some day and realise how far you've moved on

Fairenuff · 04/04/2013 12:26

I think that, whenever we find ourselves in a tight spot, our true character comes out.

When he realised he had been rumbled, your dh went into 'fight or flight' mode. And he flew. His instinct was to get away from the difficulty. And at that time, the difficulty was you, op. So he hid from you, licked his wounds and tried to work out the best way for his survival.

When you discovered his infidelity, op, you showed great strength, courage and presence of mind right from the start. You didn't mess about, make excuses for him, stick your head in the sand. You stood your ground. You chose to fight. For yourself, your dignity, your children, your right to be treated with respect.

That is what everyone on this thread admires about you. Your natural character will stand you in good stead. You absolutely will get through this awful time and emerge with your head held high. You are already seeking support for yourself, through mn and in rl. You instinctively know what you need and how to get it. Your children are lucky to have such an inspiring mum x

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 12:33

Well the gossiping has begun and it turns out I have met this woman before at a party in December. A mutual friend knows her well. His story about meeting her on a night out isn't looking believable, I don't know. I'm getting to the stage where I need to know exactly how all this materialised. Did he chase her? Not that it matters, I know.

Plans for the day have been scuppered, youngest dd has a temp and some very chicken pox like spots :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 12:33

Thanks fairenuff

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 04/04/2013 12:41

From the way he's behaved so far - coming in at the eleventh hour and 'admitting' everything, I would guess there's more to the story than he's letting on - end of February, my arse.

I think you're handling this brilliantly, even though you may not think so. Your logic and realising the reality of what life would be like if you took him back is admirable and I hope you hang on to it and dont get bogged down with everything else.

BalloonSlayer · 04/04/2013 12:42

hmm I did wonder about the" only met her a month ago and has only seen her 3 times" claim . . . The texts seem too familiar and cosy than that, I mean they don't sound like two people who have only met three times, no matter what they did on those three occasions. Angry

ShabbyChit · 04/04/2013 12:43

I'm so sorry you are in this position OP but my god you have no idea how amazing you are for handling it like this!
I have so much respect for you right now and you come across as a great person.
what a twat he is for behaving this way!

forgetmenots · 04/04/2013 12:43

OP this just gets worse, what a horrible thing to do. You're doing everything right, can only hope I would have your strength in this situation. Really hope your dc doesn't have chickenpox.

Fairydogmother · 04/04/2013 12:47

could some of your friends do some digging for you?

i know i'd want to know exactly what happened so i can understand the need to know. but it will be very hurtful what you hear

Fairenuff · 04/04/2013 12:49

Ah sorry to hear your dd seems poorly. Can you stock up on lovely nourishing soup and crusty bread, cheese and fruit. Get some ice cream too and borrow dvds from anyone willing to lend. Have a duvet day and just rest.

It won't really help to know all the details but it will satisfy your curiosity. Maybe write a list of all the things you'd like to know, as they occur to you and put it away for a later date. Did you contact your sil yet?

GaryBuseysTeeth · 04/04/2013 12:50

Really hope it's not chickenpox for your DD.
You're coming across so well on here, so strong.

Back against the wall & he thinks he can get away with lying to you still & get a second chance?! Angry

Clumsyoaf · 04/04/2013 12:52

Hi Op, Been lurking but just had to post.

I think you are handling this incredibly, i just wanted to tell you about a friend who went through something similar with her not so "D" h, she was adamant that he be the one to tell the children what he had done and what it meant for them as a family. He took them to the park and told them he had made a "mistake" and that mummy wouldnt forgive him. He then went on to regale them of times when they were so sad at having made a mistake and how they felt. He messed with the poor childrens head. Her 6 year old refused to speak to her and her 12 year old told her he hated her. He had turned it all round on her dont let mangy cock do this to your children.

Dont engage with his behaviour via text, send him a letter via a solicitor outlining what you and the kids need and refuse contact. For someone to take such a big step out of a relationship that bore three kids he deserves to be humiliated within his own family and shown up for the utter prick he is.

I really wish you can continue to be so strong - and crying isnt a sign of weakness its a sign that you are a human with feelings, something neither that beast and his OW are.

good luck x way more hand holding.

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 13:09

I'm sure it'll all come out eventually.i just need to try and stop thinking about the sordid details. The chances of getting the full sorry story from him looks pretty slim.

Going to bake some cakes and watch a DVD today , tbh I didn't feel much like going out today anyway. I'll stay in this little bubble for now.. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
sassy34264 · 04/04/2013 13:12

Sorry to hear about your dd. I second the icecream and dvds. (think i may do that myself tomorrow!)

I would be telling his sisters, family, friends asap.

He seems to be living in his own little make believe bubble- it's not what you think, you don't know her, started in feb, only 3 times, you ended it not me.

I think it needs bursting before he runs away with the idea that he can keep getting away with all this complete and utter bullshit.

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