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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
Erebus · 04/04/2013 09:58

Just wanted to add my small voice in saying how brilliantly you're handling this.

I know that you'll walk out of this debacle with your head held high, just as you deserve.

Stay strong, look after yourself, and EAT!

Keep posting here, too. We're all right behind you!

Flowers
pictish · 04/04/2013 09:59

So....he left you dangling for a protracted period before coming home with a 'sorry', and then told you it was you who was responsible for the split eh?

He doesn't much care does he?

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/04/2013 10:03

Hope you are ok?

The fact that he left you waiting is very cruel - how fucking dare he blame you for ending the marriage! Pathetic weak spineless creature.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 04/04/2013 10:07

he is a prick - in Scottish that is a very bad word. Grin It's 'fighting talk' but that is what he is.

I am so sorry OP, what he has done is spineless and cruel, you are very together - because you know you deserve better than this and so do your children.

He will continue to blame you and throw it back in your face that ' you ended it!' - what were you supposed to do? eejit that he is.

Stay strong, you do deserve better than that.

DragonMamma · 04/04/2013 10:12

How are you this morning OP? Hope you managed to get some rest and have eaten something

MakeHayNotStraw · 04/04/2013 10:12

God, OP - what a horrible shock for you. Thinking of you today, I hope you got some sleep last night.

MTBMummy · 04/04/2013 10:12

Just caught up, and I can't believe what an arse he is being, it's not your fault, he ended it the moment he decided to shag another woman.

But don't play his games, just ignore him, don't rise to his text messages, focus on yourself and your kids, enjoy your Easter break with them, and don't let his stupid childish behavior interfere with that.

I know it's hard to see now, but it does get better, give yourself time to grieve and cry it's good to get it out.
When my ex and I split I was devastated, but looking back, I'm a stronger happier person now than I ever was with him.

kinkyfuckery · 04/04/2013 10:14

How are you today OP?

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2013 10:25

hi OP - so sorry you're going through this.

just wanted to say from the child's perspective (my dad was a cheat and my mum would take him back) it's really important to have at least one parent you can trust and respect. when the mother takes him back as unfair as it may be for the child you can end up being unable to respect or trust either of them.

i really wanted and needed my mother to behave as you are doing but she didn't unfortunately and instead we'd be put through the hell of it all and then he'd come back on the condition it wasn't mentioned. i think i just withdrew from both of them at that point and started counting down the years till i could get out of home.

by being strong and having high standards for yourself and not putting up with this from him they will have one clearly strong, respectable, reliable 'adult' they can feel safe with. all children deserve that. so imo, as someone who went through this kind of thing as a child, you are doing the right thing.

i would tell the children daddy did something very wrong to mummy and now we can't be together anymore - he is still your dad and loves you but we won't live together anymore. i also loved the strategy someone else used of telling their children ten minutes before a favourite programme so that they were given space to 'not talk about it' and permission to switch it off for a while itms. i think children, probably adults too really, need to process stuff in digestible chunks and time slots and to be able to step away from it when it is too much to return to it when they are ready.

you are behaving like a strong, decent adult with clear boundaries and standards that is what children need - it is there 'rock' to hang onto if you like. i am so impressed with how you handling this x

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 10:28

I'm ok, children are home keeping me busy. Switched my phone on to a begging text 'everyone deserves a second chance, can we talk?' I've told him to give me space, it's the one thing he can do right now.

I didn't sleep very well, I quit smoking 4 weeks ago and the nicotine patches are giving me crazy dreams. I don't know how I've knocked cracked and bought cigarettes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 10:30

not cracked*

OP posts:
clam · 04/04/2013 10:36

He will interpret "give me space" as you're planning on forgiving him. Eventually. That's my take on it, anyway.
And no, everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. Possibly, if it'd been a drunken one-night thing, that he'd been distraught over ever since, but this went on for a few months, whereby he was actively deceiving you and lying so he could continue to shag her. How can you ever overlook such lack of respect, commitment and consideration for you and your marriage?

Isabeller · 04/04/2013 10:37

'deserves'? Hmm

Well done on staying stopped with the smoking. I am so impressed with you, wish I'd been half as wise when splitting with exH. I did get myself some Flowers

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 10:40

He can interpret it as that all he likes. The space is for me to register what has happened and plan a future without him without reading his pathetic texts.If he thinks I'm so stupid as to simply forgive and forget he's more of a fool than I already think he is. I've told him its over and there is no going back. It's all his doing, he destroyed us.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/04/2013 10:40

Focussing on the cigarette withdrawal might actually help to distract you from the pain he is causing, for a bit at least.

Good idea to ask for space. You are taking control and doing it all under your terms now. He has no alternative. If he doesn't give you space, he is continuing to show himself as a selfish arse. If he does, you get to come to terms with this and move on with your life without being hassled by him.

What are your plans with the children today? Swimming is always a good one for keeping yourself occupied, as is baking with them. Anything to keep your mind busy.

MadBraLady · 04/04/2013 10:41

I know people keep saying this, Loserville but seriously, your grace and strength under fire is amazing, you are one impressive lady.

I think "give me space" was the right thing to say - he can interpret it how he wants, it won't affect your decision-making. Good luck however you decide to spend today.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe · 04/04/2013 10:43

Hi op

Hang on in there, you really are handling this shit situation fantastically ( even if it doesn't feel like it right now )

Have you thought of trying an e cig.
I have never tried patches, but I am using an e cig at the moment (was also about 4 weeks in when marriage hit the skids) I have found it fairly easy, have had a couple of wobbles but not caved in.

You can get them in most supermarkets other than asda, saves waiting a couple of days for the better quality on line ones.

Good luck (((((hugs)))))

sleeton · 04/04/2013 10:45

Hi Loserville , so glad you are hanging on in there, and not at all surprised that you didn't sleep well and am sure that it is not just the nicotine patches that were giving you crazy dreams. Shock is a very physical thing and you just won't be your usual self in any way just now.

I think you did right in telling him to give you space, and it is good to have your children keeping you busy ... routine can help ... but I also think it'd be good if you had someone to talk to today. Someone in RL. Is that possible?
Not to make plans or talk in any definite way ... just to let all that mad jumble of thoughts in your head find some sort of outlet. It would help with the shock.
Is there someone who can be with you today?

Thinking of you. You sound so brave .... what a despicable fool the man is.

AgathaF · 04/04/2013 10:46

"everyone deserves a second chance" - fool.

You deserved a husband who didn't cheat on you.

Original poster
Loserville · 04/04/2013 10:50

Thanks. I don't feel strong at all, I think I'm in autopilot. What's the alternative? Have him here, give him another chance, constantly worry everytime he goes out, check his phone. I couldn't live like that, it's mental tortue. This isn't a walk in the park but it sure as hell beats all that. I don't want to end up a paranoid wreck. I'd rather suffer this pain knowing it won't last forever.

OP posts:
ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 04/04/2013 10:50

He is still only thinking about himself Angry

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 04/04/2013 10:51

Yes, the alternative is very bleak isn't it? Good on you op Thanks

Erebus · 04/04/2013 10:55

The only one who can offer a second chance is you. He has no right to expect one.

The one, small thing I would have differently - though of course I am sitting calmly here not in the hurt, angry, emotional maelstrom of where you're (naturally) at!- is, to his 'You've ended the marriage!' text, I would have responded (as someone else said) 'No, when you chose to have sex with another woman, you ended the marriage. And I am not, repeat not going to enter into any discussion that tries to put the blame on me. You know who broke up this marriage, and so do I. I suggest you don't dare try and turn this back on me ever again'.

CabbageLeaves · 04/04/2013 10:57

OP. You will get a second chance at happiness. You are not a loser (unless losing a cheating, lying, fucking around, blaming, avoiding any responsibility partner is a loss? Surely a win!)

This will get better. It seems hard but getting back together is also hard. It's just a longer period of hard although at the beginning it can seem like the better option. Please do put yourself first. You and your DC deserve more.

swallowedAfly · 04/04/2013 10:58

exactly this way it won't last forever and the disruption for you and the children will be gone through just once. when the dust settles there is definite stability and reliability etc.