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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up

OP posts:

thekitchenfairy · 03/04/2013 20:22

So sorry OP, is there someone who can come over tonight?

Think it's his job to tell the kds when the time comes.

Meantime, can you get out and do some fun stuff with your DCs? On his money if he just got paid...?

Thinking of you.

Smellslikecatspee · 03/04/2013 20:22

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, what an arse.

I don't claim to be an expert but bearing in mind that most cheaters will only admit to what they know they can't hide, I wouldn't believe the 3times etc.

Stay strong.

AThingInYourLife · 03/04/2013 20:26

"Surely the time to decide he'd "do whatever it takes for his marriage" was at 5pm yesterday after receiving the "?" text, or at 9pm when he was supposed to be on his way home, or late last night when he finally did return home, or this morning when he could have taken the day off work or could have been in contact, or at 2pm after work? Not waiting until his belongings were in a black bag."

^^ this. Exactly this.

elvislives2012 · 03/04/2013 20:28

OP am so sorry for you. What a git. Just remember that you don't deserve this, it's not your fault. He made the choices and decisions he did and none of this was because of you.
He should tell the kids as its his fault. But for now, concentrate on you and how you feel. Cry if you need to but keep posting on here-it's good to talk xxx

Original poster

Loserville · 03/04/2013 20:28

Most of my friends are away on breaks forbEaster apart from my friend who has the children. I have no family, parents have passed away and no siblings. I'm ok on my own. I'll stick my favourite movie on and distract myself.

I suppose it shouldn't be down to me to tell the children. I just don't want to leave it too long although ignorance is bliss for them.

OP posts:

Casserole · 03/04/2013 20:28

Oh no. I am so sorry. I was also hoping against all rational hope for another outcome.

I don't think you need to tell the kids anything right away. Just tell them Daddy's had to go away with work. Not to make his life any easier and not because I think you will change your mind but just because right now, this week, your focus needs to just be on you, and getting you through each day. Anything extra can wait.

Do you have friends or relatives nearby who you can tell / get round?

So sorry. So very sorry x

Casserole · 03/04/2013 20:32

Sorry, crosspost about the friends etc.

It doesn't really help, but I am sitting here in my study virtually holding your hand tightly. I think everyone on this thread is.

Fairenuff · 03/04/2013 20:32

Did he say where he was going to go? I'm sure she won't want him living with her. Especially as she knows what a cheat and a liar he is.

I would be inclined to tell the children that daddy won't be living with us anymore because he doesn't love mummy, but he does still love them just as much as always. If it's left to him, he is likely to say that he doesn't want to leave but you are making him

Let their school know when they go back so that they can offer them additional support and makes allowances for emotional behaviour. There are good books for young children to help them make sense of it.

cjel · 03/04/2013 20:33

have you got your take away?

DragonMamma · 03/04/2013 20:34

I'm so so sorry OP, like others have said, the fact he didn't race home speaks volumes.

Sending you all the strength you need.

Areyoumadorisitme · 03/04/2013 20:42

OP, now is the worst part and you are undeniably in shock and feeling betrayed, hurt and furious.

Please remember that you are the only person who can decide whether what you had before this is worth trying to rescue. From what up you said you seemed to have a good relationship prior to this so consider carefully, it is very easy for us strangers on the web to say leave the bastard but we have only ever heard this awful part of him. You alone can decide if you want to try to rebuild your relationship.

Good luck with everything, you will get through this stronger whether single or together.

MonaLotte · 03/04/2013 20:43

Wow just read all of this. So sorry op. We are all here for you.

Areyoumadorisitme · 03/04/2013 20:45

Please note I am not belittling what he has done at all, it is outrageous and I don't know if I could ever forgive that but also don't know that I could throw away a previously good relationship without serious thought.

Fairenuff · 03/04/2013 20:50

How does op know what kind of relationship she had? It was all a farce. She cannot believe anything he says. All his actions shriek of self-preservation.

Ruprekt · 03/04/2013 20:50

I am so sorry it ended up like this.

Please name change as you are not a loser.

Where do you live? Am sure there are lots of mumsnetters near you who would be willing to help you out. Even a coffee and a chat.

Do you think he could fight to get you back or is this The End?

Stay strong. Eat. Look after yourself.

LittleRedDinosaur · 03/04/2013 21:00

Someone said there was something on the relate website about what and how to tell children. Might be helpful?

minkembra · 03/04/2013 21:01

areyou i am usually last to say ltb. but op is not throwing away her relationship her h has already done that.

He was just hiding like a pathetic coward yesterday probably with his enabling co-workers trying to feeling sorry for himself and has probably slinked back to his mums. i doubt OW is that interested.

Sorry OP. but i do think you have been amazing.

Yy to getting him to tell the kids or you tell them together.

minkembra · 03/04/2013 21:01

areyou i am usually last to say ltb. but op is not throwing away her relationship her h has already done that.

He was just hiding like a pathetic coward yesterday probably with his enabling co-workers trying to feeling sorry for himself and has probably slinked back to his mums. i doubt OW is that interested.

Sorry OP. but i do think you have been amazing.

Yy to getting him to tell the kids or you tell them together.

Jux · 03/04/2013 21:03

Second the request to namechange! He is the loser, you aren't. You are a strong, independent woman who is to be admired for coping with awful behaviour from her Loserh with dignity.

QOD · 03/04/2013 21:10

Just add a "not" to your name for now, so we know its you

YOU'RE not the loser, he is.

Arse

Nat38 · 03/04/2013 21:14

So sorry its turned out like this<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> Really feel for you. When it happened to me I told the kids, but all I said was that mum & dad didnt love each other anymore.
When my youngest DD asked if her dad had an affair I told her that it was not for me to say, she needs to talk to her dad. She begged me to tell her but I wouldn`t tarnish her image of him-he could do that himself
Looking back I think I must of given her the answer she wanted because she never did ask her dad, but seems to know what he did.
I think by doing what I did, we both came out of it ok with her!
Stay strong, do what is right for you & your children-whatever that might be!!

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2013 21:15

It is really awful telling the children, no doubt about it. I made the decision to tell them ten minutes or so before a programme they enjoyed watching on tv came on. They did get very upset but after ten minutes I said, "OK, everyone's getting upset but you know that you can see Dad whenever you want. Why don't we just watch X on tv and try to forget it for a bit?"

I was amazed that they really leaped on that opportunity to stop talking about it. Ten minutes into the programme I "remembered" I had some Ben & Jerrys in the freezer and they got all excited about that. Have to say it was a sign of how much he'd signed out of family life that they didn't really mention it much after that.

Car journeys were good for bringing it up (not in an upsetting way) - I think there's something about not having to face someone (for them, I mean) that helps them ask difficult questions.

WillYouDoTheFandango · 03/04/2013 21:16

Or leavingloserville to show you're leaving him behind.

birdofthenorth · 03/04/2013 21:17

OP I think you are doing amazingly well. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I have been lurking on the thread as I'm sure many others have but wanted to pipe up and say there is a massive Mnet community out there sending you heaps of best wishes and support. Just take one hour at a time. We're here.

Coconutty · 03/04/2013 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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