Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This doesn't look good does it?

999 replies

Loserville · 02/04/2013 19:37

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up Confused

OP posts:
onefewernow · 03/04/2013 17:57

I will never ever understand people who cheat. Why stay in a relationship if you want to be with someone else. I guess having your cake and eating is the thing here.

Too right.

his has been analysed by many.

The answer is, he does want you both.

He wants her for fun, sex, approval, to make himself feel extra good.

He wants you for kids, dinner, domestic support, outward respectability, to stop him feeling lonely in between, to bring up his kids, keep his house, to ensure he keeps more of his income in the home he lives in (instead of maintenance), to sort his life out generally.

That's why he want both.

He isnt very interested either in what she wants, or what you want.

You are doing brilliantly, by the way.

lolaflores · 03/04/2013 18:00

loser you will be well rid, you will sit and look back in six months or a years time and marvel at yourself. Do lots of things with the kids, the pureness of their love is healing when this happens. it will give you faith in humanity if nothing else.
do not allow him to twist or turn any of this away from himself. Imagine yourself as a heat seeking missile, relentless in getting him out. I am not sure if you will get anything approaching the truth, just hope he has the good manners to be embarrased (which it seems he is by not showing his face). The non show is evidence enough of his guilt. Actions speak louder than words. He has hung himself, you finish the job. Its the kindest thing to do.

OhLori · 03/04/2013 18:03

Hope you have a lovely time with your children, make sure you get a big wad of cash out to spend.

Ponyinthepool · 03/04/2013 18:05

Thinking of you OP, I can only imagine how sad you must be feeling. Lots of us sending strength and support your way, you will get through this.

Just an observation, but the tone of those messages sounds to me like 2 people who haven't known each other long. I'd say this is a meaningless fling rather than a meaningful love affair. It's unlikely to have occured to your DH that this could cost him his marriage, so he's going to be having the shock of his life.

If he works shifts, there are probably records of the hours he has worked. That and his phone bill are two things you might like to insist he bring along to any discussion of how 'it's not how it looks'.

Original poster
Loserville · 03/04/2013 18:07

Thanks again for all your support. It has really help me stay focused and not crumble. It would have been so easy to just say to him please come home we can sort this out. But I know I could never stay with someone who he's betrayed me and the children. It's true, once the trust has gone there is no point. These texts can't be explained away as something else. His lack of contact is answer enough he has been up to something.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/04/2013 18:08

Ah jeez, 5 7 and 10. How could he do that to them. He wasn't thinking of them when he was with her was he.

If he tells you it meant nothing, tell him that when he was with her, you meant nothing to him.

And you're worth more than that.

Keep posting. There is a ton of support here and invaluable advice from those who have been where you are and come out of it stronger x

QuintessentialShallots · 03/04/2013 18:09

If you are at home and he is not, make sure you get copies of all his financial information, such as salary/payslip, etc.

Do you have a joint account? Ensure he cant empty it.

Do you rent, or own your home?

toffeelolly · 03/04/2013 18:09

Sorry to hear. You are better than him keep your head up . Thinking of you .

Branleuse · 03/04/2013 18:10

hand holding, and wishing you lots of strength xx

Original poster
Loserville · 03/04/2013 18:16

Yes meant to say we never got round to opening a joint account. He doesn't know my bank details or online banking details but I know his and its pay day tomorrow for him...

The house is in my name too so no problem there. Best decision ever not putting it in both names. It's a private rented property.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 03/04/2013 18:20

You sound strong and thanks goodness finances should be relatively easy to sort out.

What a cowardly spineless cheat he is - he does not know what facing up to his responsibilities means. He needs to man up.

CandlestickOlder · 03/04/2013 18:21

Sorry to hear all of this Op.

What a massive shock.

Apart from the obvious, are you ok? Make sure you eat and drink and take care of yourself.

forgetmenots · 03/04/2013 18:21

Fucking hell OP (I'm not going to call you loserville. He is a loser).

You are doing so well, stay focused and strong. ((Hug, even if it is fecking un-MN!!))

Original poster
Loserville · 03/04/2013 18:26

I've drank about 20 cups of coffee today! Need to try and eat something though. A Chinese takeaway and a bottle of vodka sounds appealing but I won't. Well maybe the takeaway.

OP posts:
Doha · 03/04/2013 18:27

what time was/is he supposed to be home. Did you take a note of the OW phone number?

Fairenuff · 03/04/2013 18:32

Yes, get the takeaway, you need to keep your strength up. Alcohol not a good idea at the moment.

Original poster
Loserville · 03/04/2013 18:37

Yeah I have her phone number. He only had to work until 2pm today, then his apparent 'works night out' is tonight. He's probably at hers. I was tempted to call the number and ask if he's there. Is that a good move do you think? Or just leave it and put his things outside? I'm half scared she's someone I know, it's a possibility.

OP posts:
Casserole · 03/04/2013 18:40

Have you tried googling the number OP? (also not going to call you loserville).

You sound strong. I know you won't always feel that way. But you are going to get through this x

Jux · 03/04/2013 18:41

Well, I would soon be thinking about bolting the doors for the night. You still haven't heard from him? He truly is a coward isn't he?

AgathaF · 03/04/2013 18:41

Oh, what an absolute shit. I read this thread yesterday and have only just caught up with developments today.

Good about your bank account and the house being in your name.

forgetmenots · 03/04/2013 18:42

Don't call her OP.
Bags on the doorstep definitely.

NotMostPeople · 03/04/2013 18:42

Keep posting OP and stay strong.

BoyMeetsWorld · 03/04/2013 18:43

Aaaaargh oh OP my heart goes out to you, I too found out via text that DS' dad (Xp) was seeing someone else. Who cares if it's a good idea or not to phone her- you'll go mad wondering if you don't. & like in my case she may give you more answers, even if out of spite. Perhaps best to phone when he won't be there though or she's unlikely to say much? Big hugs

Jux · 03/04/2013 18:44

No, not a good idea to phone or contact her at all. However, googling her number isn't a bad idea. Try to maintain a dignified silence. He knows you will remove his stuff if he hasn't picked it up by tomorrow a.m.

Lock the doors tonight so he can't get pissed and crawl into bed while you're asleep, though.

lambrinigirl · 03/04/2013 18:45

Thinking of you.keep strong.you have your future with your lovely children to think about. Sending a big hug.xxx