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Original poster

Dating thread no 49

999 replies

JulietteMontague · 01/04/2013 15:17

All daters welcome here.

OP posts:
EternalRose · 05/04/2013 10:44

I wholeheartedly agree OWW...

I mean, someone talking about the intricate mechanics of a software installation all day would most likely bore me to tears. We dont have to be interested in everything someone has to say.

However, that is not the same as thinking someone is 'boring' because they dont set your world on fire (even if they may have similar interests) In my experience with 'messed up' men, excitement with usually involves some form of drama, chaos, and other kinds of uncertainty. Believe me when I say it becomes draining after a while.

When I eventually date, I will be going for someone who does NOT do that, because in my prior experience the whole thing has been so damaging to me. I will literally run the other way, if I feel that familiar sensation of excitement I want nice, dependable, and someone who doesn't need drugs to make him feel connected with me.

EternalRose · 05/04/2013 10:46

Excuse all the typos!

OhWesternWind · 05/04/2013 11:30

Exactly Rose. My ex was so fucked up in so many ways, very unpredictable, abusive, lots of drama and crises and dangerous situations, getting into debt, bailiffs, suicide attempts, disappearances, affairs, (all him not me Grin ) all sorts of nonsense and it felt like we lurched from one crisis to the next. It was horrible and trying to keep the children out of all this and with a normal, calm life was horrendously difficult.

I thought LM was quite geeky and "boring" - he came across as grown-up and responsible when I first met him - but lo and behold he was another of the same! This is why I worry about my judgement sometimes.

I am looking for someone very steady and reliable and if the other side of that coin is being a little predictable, maybe, then I am more than happy to live with that. Don't mind a little bit older, either. Just normal, calm and good.

Rearranged with Cakey for Sunday or Monday depending on my babysitter. I do quite like this bloke - not getting emotionally invested at all, oh no.

ohmyrainydays · 05/04/2013 11:54

I'm hoping for a bit of nice this time. I can't be going with the whole bad boy thing anymore. Hopefully date number 2 with the nice one is tonight. I can't help with the not getting emotionally involved OWW because its too late fo me.

BillMasen · 05/04/2013 12:05

You all say that about "nice" and "normal" being what you really want but in my experience as a man who falls firmly into the "nice" category, a lot of you don't actually mean that. How do you know you won't go all of a flutter the next time someone "exciting" comes along?

lubeybooby · 05/04/2013 12:11

Bill I like nice and stable but also confident and passionate... tricky to find!

I have a male friend in the nice category, he's also a virgin at 28 and can't make a decision to save his life

There's a difference between 'nice' and 'completely wet walkover'

Also Bill, have you thought maybe you are eternally attracted to the wrong women who treat nice men like crap or just aren't interested at all rather than all women being like that?

Pomegranatenoir · 05/04/2013 12:15

Think it is all to do with the spark bill - without the spark or mutual attraction being nice or naughty is irrelevant.

Well that is my take on it. I want nice and normal but I also want to feel an attraction. Mr Geek from this week was ridiculously over the top. He sent me a stupid number of texts every day, told me repeatedly that I was beautiful or gorgeous (or whatever words he could find to complement me) but all he did was turn me off. Both over text and in person.

I defo want nice. I am not attracted to exciting but I am attracted to fun. And I want someone who can make me laugh, smile and feel comfortable.

Bant · 05/04/2013 12:16

So is this nice vs exciting thing similar to some of the questions asked on dating sites etc for men - do we prefer slutty/exotic or wholesome? Personally I prefer a bit of both.

We've got that old expression 'chef in the kitchen, lady in the parlour, harlot in the bedroom'. Is there a male alternative?

ohmyrainydays · 05/04/2013 12:16

In my experience Bill I don't cheat, I never have done so I won't need to worry about that. Hopefully I've learnt enough to stay away from the wrong ones to know that it's never worth it. Anyway so far my nice guy is providing plenty of excitement and heart fluttering.

OhWesternWind · 05/04/2013 12:18

Yes, "nice" doesn't mean a blooming wet lettuce! A huge part of being nice is being able to have and sustain an equal partnership/relationship where neither person is the one in charge or dominating things. For someone to be very passive and indecisive and expect someone else to take all responsibility for them, well that isn't stable and reliable and adult, in my view.

Bill you have a lovely gf now, and I think you got with her pretty quickly so obviously your niceness is working for someone!

ohmyrainydays · 05/04/2013 12:18

I think the male equivalent Bant would be someone who would shag you senseless and then look after you when you're ill. That sort of thing.

OhWesternWind · 05/04/2013 12:19

Pom - you have got it spot on. Fun as opposed to the unhealthy rollercoaster excitement.

EternalRose · 05/04/2013 12:21

Bill, I definitely mean it when I say I want a nice, normal man! Smile

For me, I used to go for men that were a bit different, didin't follow conventions (now I know why) and were a bit alternative in their outlook. Does sort of things endeared me to these men, as I thought they really were unique..Now with a bit more maturity and wisdom on my side I now realise that can be a load of old rubbish.

Call it a load of hot air, but not enough substance to back it up.

When I found out that here is a category of emotionally abusive men who like banging on about conspiracies, like drugs, and would quite happily spend the whole day pontificating about life, and how men get a raw deal....made me feel (oddly) somewhat bummed that my unique ex was not so unique after all Hmm

And so I realise I have been missing a trick all along. I guess looking back at it all now, these men have emotional unavailablity issues and present a challenge. Nice, dependable men get lumped into the boring cateogry because there is no challenge (and long may that continue!!!).

Pomegranatenoir · 05/04/2013 12:26

Changed my profile on pof. Could anyone give it a gander and tell me where I'm going wrong.... PM me for details

Bant · 05/04/2013 12:49

what kind of 'going wrong' Pom? I've looked and can make a few suggestions, but what are you trying to avoid/achieve by it?

Scrazy · 05/04/2013 13:10

I like a guy to have confidence in themselves too, it's very attractive.

I could do with some advice. I am going on a OD date tomorrow but am not on any sites as I really am OK about not having -sex-- a man, if I meet someone who blows me away then maybe. I do get out and about so it's not impossible to meet someone that way.

Most of us agree that we aren't necessarily looking for a live in, full blown relationship and would like someone for dating, intimacy, someone who makes you laugh etc and that is what I had with the ex. I got upset huffy (not in a crying my eyes out way) but realised I needed to take a step back as I was obviously more invested than he, as he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship, I know that now. He's the sort of man who isn't short of female company. I also know now that he wasn't 'going out' with any of them behind my back, which is what I got into my head, and is obviously still available.

Time has passed, I posted about the negative side, done the no contact and gotten over it in the meantime. Now he is asking to meet up again. I'm guessing he would be happy to pick up where we left off but says he just wants a catch up. I'm not sure what I want, I feel reasonably detached and it's nice to be back in touch and if I didn't miss him it would be a definite no, but it's not. Will add we have history rather than started off with expectations of a relationship, we drifted from a casual now and again catch up, into a more regular and quite intimate 'thing' which kind of took us both by surprise. What to do?

Bant, Bill, Voice, be nice to hear from some men on this as well......

KinNora · 05/04/2013 13:14

I started to write a list of things I'd want in a man and then got a bit bored, feel free to pass the geeks on to me Pom, I love a nerdy man and have never fancied bad boys, always found them and their posturing a bit dull.

On the train to Software, bracing myself for the unveiling. Bobbins wifi.

OhWesternWind · 05/04/2013 13:19

Nora I can't wait - go to the loo as soon as the denouement has taken place and tell all! I bet it's you in the style of ze Fallen Madonna . . .

Scrazy well, my gut instinct is to say no, you've gone through all the pain, things obviously weren't right and you would just be going back to more of the same. What would you want from him if you did get back in touch? I think that's the question to answer, really.

Bant · 05/04/2013 13:20

Scrazy - I'd love to be able to give advice but.. sounds like you don't know what you want. From the sound of 'just meeting up' and your history, either he wants to end up back in bed with you, or he's going to tell you he's engaged to someone and wants to do it face to face. But I'd guess at the former.

You could go with FWB if you wanted, or just say no to meeting up and forget about him.

I have a similar situation. An ex of mine wants to come stay in Budapest for the weekend in a couple of weeks. We have a history of on again/off again, haven't seen her in a year and before that for several years (when I was married) but we'll probably end up in bed if she comes over.

Buffy has gone silent. She still has my keys. No response in 24 hours and I was supposed to see her tonight, I'm away for the next week and a half..

OhWesternWind · 05/04/2013 13:24

That is very strange about Buffy, Bant. Perhaps she's really ill and just sleeping - would it be worth popping round to check on her, or wouldn't that feel right?

KinNora · 05/04/2013 13:27

Scrazy I wouldn't meet him but that's because I'm an impulsive soft touch, if you think you can meet him without it stirring up old feelings and there's no risk of it upsetting you then I'd go for it.

OWW -what on earth am I going to do if it makes me want to laugh ? I'm truly dreadful in that kind of situation.

48howdidthathappen · 05/04/2013 13:27

Loads of dates going on. The good and the bad.

I am still hoping Software has a name change Kin Hope the unveiling goes well.

lubeybooby · 05/04/2013 13:28

Scrazy, you've got to ignore him. You do know what you want really as you were very resolute about it back in Dec/Jan.

Don't compromise on your standards!

Going no contact means no contact... EVER! not just no contact for a few months then going back on everything you said and becoming embroiled again in something that will hurt you (again)

Please don't decide his crumbs are better than nothing, they're not, you deserve more.

48howdidthathappen · 05/04/2013 13:31

Scrazy What Lubey said. I don't think anything good will come out of it.

KinNora · 05/04/2013 13:34

48 he says it will be 'wonderful' to see me again, not if I'm sniggering at his daubing it won't be. Showbiz is apparently 'very perky' today - hmmmmm.