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Original poster

Engagement ring

178 replies

milkybar28 · 27/03/2013 19:15

I'm looking for advice on engagement rings and hope the learned ladies of Mumsnet can help.

I should start by explaining that I'm a 28 year old man who has devoured the talk boards, in particular AIBU and relationships for a number of years. I am not a parent (or a troll!) but began reading out of curiosity after a story in the Times. The trials and tribulations, sometimes hilarious, sometimes shocking stories and invaluable advice offered, taken and ignored have fascinated and truly educated me over the years. I am proud to say I consider myself a feminist, in no small part because of the education I have received on here. I'm also sad to say that some of the stories have made me truly ashamed to be a member of the male sex.

But now to business! After a number of short and long term relationships I have finally met the woman I wish to spend the rest of my life with. We met in July and moved in together in November and we both know that this is "the one".
I am considering proposing at the end of the year because I don't want to wait any longer before committing to the one I love. By October and a planned holiday abroad I will have saved around £2,200 for a ring.

Do we think this is enough, or as I suspect, I should wait to save a little more?

For the sake of clarity I earn £40,000 a year, my girlfriend is not materialistic, and I can save around £100 a month. I know that many will say the price doesn't matter and of course I know this but we live in the real world and I want to give my true love a suitable token of my feelings. The old adage of 1 months salary would mean a ring worth £2,500.

OP posts:
armagh · 14/04/2013 11:18

Perhaps you have already got the ring but there is an auction at o'reillysfineart.com and the catalogue is online now.

PlainBefuddled · 14/04/2013 16:28

I've got an expensive ring, which I ADORE and because i had it made in Hatton Garden it's equivalent to one which costs over twice the price in a regular shop/ Tiffany's effort (so the valuer says Hmm).

I chose the main stone and then flanked it with two smaller ones and worked with the jewellery guy to chose my setting. It was fun and so personal. People comment on it regularly, even 10 years on.

TheRealFellatio · 14/04/2013 16:43

Oh this is so lovely. Grin Right, ignore all the people saying don't spent more than 800-1000, and they'd be scared to wear it - they know nothing. 2k is fine, 5k better. Grin Seriously though, if she is not materialistic I'm sure the money is not the point. It is lovely to surprise your beloved with an engagement ring, but fraught with pitfalls. What I suggest you do is propose to her as a surprise, using a ring box, down on one knee etc, but inside the box should be either a plastic ring from a cracker, or a Coke can ring-pull. Then you can tell her that you've been saving up, and you would like her to choose it herself as you want her to really love it as she'll be wearing it forever.

Then you look online together get a feel for prices, and you can decide between you whether to go for a reasonably priced ring now, or wait a while and save for a better one, depending on what she likes and the other spending priorities you both have.

If you really do want to surprise her though, and you are pretty sure of her quirky tastes, for value for money you can't do better than an antique diamond ring - Art Deco or similar.

The other option is Ebay - people often sell unwanted diamond rings for a fraction of what they'd cost new. A good clean and polish and they are just as lovely. Or you could keep the diamond and have it re-set by a local jeweller in the style of her choice.

PlainBefuddled · 14/04/2013 16:45

I hear you Fellatio, I wear mine without any fear. My DH proposed with a silly ring and then we spent a week deciding on stone colour and budget and then found our jeweller.

Original poster
milkybar28 · 15/07/2013 13:16

A brief update for anyone who might be interested.

We spent a fantastic weekend visiting relatives in Sussex and headed into Brighton on Saturday to get some inspiration. Lots of fun and eye opening to discover the range of options. After a LOT of trying on, the two favourites emerge as a 1920's cluster ring with a cluster of multiple diamonds and a modern 1.6 carat solitaire. Both beautiful and both completely different.
Now to decide whether to wait a while or throw caution to the wind, sell some shares and just get on with it. We both just want to be married!

Thanks again for all your advice, we visited a number of jewellers recommended on here and were looked after wonderfully in every one.

Will update when I've decided what to do!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/07/2013 14:00

Didn't you say your girlfriend owned her own place, OP? So why are you only able to save £100 per month? You say you have London rent to pay but then said you're living with her in a house she owns.

Please clarify!

maypoledancer · 15/07/2013 15:49

OP, if you are not planning on getting one of the actual rings you have seen have a look at the website of John Joseph. He has a lovely stand in Grays Antique Market near Bond Street tube, gorgeous vintage rings.

I got my engagement ring there fifteen years ago, it's a big emerald-cut aquamarine from the 1940s with six diamonds, set in platinum. I still love it but the stone is rather scratched now - aquamarines are soft, so I wouldn't recommend them.

I told a friend recently engaged about JJ and her fiance just bought her ring there. It's an old cut diamond, lovely and white with lots of fire (and quite big). It's got baguettes on the shoulders and it's set in platinum I think.

My friend is American and from a very upmarket East Coast background. Her fiance earns a decent salary but he's not like some of the mega-rich guys her friends in the US are married to. They all have Tiffany solitaires and it turns into a competition of who's got the biggest. So unimaginative. Getting a vintage ring bypasses that. It's something totally individual unique and stones/metal-wise you get much better value for money.

Original poster
milkybar28 · 15/07/2013 15:50

"Please clarify" - what a strange demand from a stranger to a stranger to give further information on their private finances.

Against my better judgement I'll explain a little. She owns the house and I pay rent/bills of £815 pcm which goes towards reducing the mortgage.

I'm not about to detail my monthly expenditure on here but suffice to say I am now saving around £200 a month, sometimes more.

Why do you ask?

OP posts:
BerkshireMum · 15/07/2013 15:51

A friend of mine fell for the advertising hype decided to get a beautiful but relatively inexpensive "proposal" ring then they chose the engagement ring together. Not necessary, but it might suit you?

FaddyPeony · 15/07/2013 16:07

Love the sound of the 1920s ring OP! It'll never date.

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2013 17:50

Sorry, OP, I think my natural instinct after a couple of years on here is suspicion!

ALittleStranger · 15/07/2013 20:01

ImperialBlether your original request demand for information was completely unnecessary.

OP get a ring you both like but don't feel the need to break the bank the wedding will take care of that for you.

Original poster
milkybar28 · 17/09/2013 15:10

An update for those interested -

So after a couple of weekends spent wandering the Lanes, I've just bought a wonderful vintage cluster ring that my fiancee-to-be particularly loved.
We've been looking together but "only for inspiration" and so much of what was said here is true - the right ring for her has nothing to do with cut, clarity, cost or any other nonsense, but comes down to what she loves and that unquantifiable "X factor".
At a third of the budget I feel I should really be spending more but my sister made the excellent point that "Diamonds are not just for engagements" and I can add more some more sparkles over the years!

Now for the proposal.....!

OP posts:
ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 17/09/2013 16:39

How wonderful Milk ...and if she says no ... I will have you !

How do you intend to propose ?

Lweji · 17/09/2013 17:14

:)

Good luck with the proposal.
I'm sure it will be yes.

Original poster
milkybar28 · 17/09/2013 23:24

We're heading off on holiday in October and I plan to do it there. I've decided to see her parents and just ask for their "blessing"- although not in a religious sense as both families are resolutely atheists!

Any tips on the proposal? Things definitely not to do?!

OP posts:
TVTonight · 18/09/2013 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 18/09/2013 00:56

Congratulations! And the ring sounds lovely. :)

evelynj · 18/09/2013 01:27

My advice would be to buy an elaborate ring that you think she'll like from carat - they have lovely rings for £100-£300 & look very real. Check fir a nearby stockists & see if you can exchange If needed.

I adore jewellery & am luckily enough my dh proposed with a 5 carat tanzanite stone that was gifted from his parents that we then had made into a ring. Sadly tanzanites are too soft to wear every day so he bought me a 2nd solitaire ring from an auction (!) -this one cost £1200 but has a value of about £3.5k. It's 1.4 carats & really fiery. I'd go auction every time, or maybe just carat as their stuff is lovely, (btw, I'm not materialistic in other ways-all my clothes from charity shops & generally frugal but love fine jewellery!)

Sounds like she would love to go to an auction & enjoy the hunt for a ring if she does car boots? Maybe even a cheaper ring & a beautiful painting or other item. I say give her the choice but have something to propose with-she may even want to up the budget with some of her own money-I would! Every woman is different in their attitude to rings so give her the choice If you have something that looks elaborate but can also be kept for future stories, that would be ideal.

Please keep us updated and good luck!

evelynj · 18/09/2013 10:23

Aha! Wonderful stuff-congrats, sounds lovely.

Have a look around where you're going for a romantic spot & make it seem spur of the moment. Something prepared already in the spot would be lovely. Update us after :)))

brass · 18/09/2013 15:45

I'm confused, if you've already chosen the ring together the proposal is academic and not in any way a surprise?

it doesn't matter btw I'm just confused, congratulations all the same

bebopanddoowop · 18/09/2013 16:10

Congratulations! It sounds like she might like an antique ring from what you've said about decorating your house and her Pinterest account.

Maybe you could have a weekend away to somwhere with a fppd jewellery district like Brighton and walk through the lanes with the jewellery shops and see if she comments on any particular styles..

I chose my own engagement ring by accident. We were on holiday and just window shopping an this beautiful victorian gold ring with emerald and ruby caught my eye and I commented on how beautiful it was. I didn't think much at the time because I had also commented on a scarves and whisky in shop windows so it wasn't an out-and-out hint! But I knew then when a couple of months later there was hints that he might propose I thought well at least he knows what type of jewellery I like! Turns out he had called up that shop and bought it and couriered it down and had been hanging on to it since!

I also think it's a really wonderful tradition to ask parents for their blessing before you propose - the week before or something - particularly as you say they are likely to be paying for it!

Good luck!

bebopanddoowop · 18/09/2013 16:30

Just read your post that you already did the Brighton thing! Sounds great!

oldgrandmama · 18/09/2013 17:40

I'd go for an antique ring - and let her choose it with you. I used to write advertising material/press releases for a jeweller and the markup on new jewellery is tremendous. You'll get better value with antique. She sounds a lucky lady and you sound a wonderful guy. Wishing you both lots of luck and a happy life.

ALittleStranger · 18/09/2013 17:48

*I'm confused, if you've already chosen the ring together the proposal is academic and not in any way a surprise?

it doesn't matter btw I'm just confused, congratulations all the same*

Yes same here! V confused as to what is supposed to happen on holiday. Confused I think this thread needs someone who believes in Disney princess to come along and give the OP some tips.