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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have done it again

89 replies

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 11:11

For anyone remembers for threads about my split with DP of 21 years. Sorry I am totally hopeless to link. I have so fucked up again this weekend, ended up going to lunch with him, coming back home and seducing him ( not that he put up a fight) Why do I do this? we had a very passionate night and morning, this is really bad right? It just felt so nice to have him here, I am so confused. Also something I still can't get my head around is he insisted in ringing his landlord ( share house) to day he would not be coming home, does this not seem terribly odd?

OP posts:

meditrina · 25/03/2013 11:14

No: it's a phenomenon known as hysterical bonding. It is very common, and is no indicator of progress or otherwise in a reconciliation.

It's a way of blotting out bad feeling for a while, or "imprinting" yourself after an affair, or just having sex ahead of a likely period of drought (as you may well be in no fit state to start a new relationship on the rebound).

Just make sure you use contraception.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 11:22

Ah no worries on that front, he has had the snip

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/03/2013 11:28

Agree with meditrina that it's not uncommon. However, it does nothing for your self-esteem to throw yourself at someone who has rejected you. (I'm assuming it was that way around) Time to properly separate from him ... no cosy chats, lunches and so forth.... or you'll never move on.

Beamur · 25/03/2013 11:31

It does seem a bit odd that he is ringing someone (landlord - maybe? maybe not?) to say he is not coming back. Do you think there is someone else on the scene?

kinkyfuckery · 25/03/2013 11:32

Ah no worries on that front, he has had the snip

Snip doesn't prevent STIs.

Very common thing to do after the breakdown of a relationship, going back over familiar ground. Very unhealthy for your mental state though.

EggyFucker · 25/03/2013 11:32

The "landlord" is his fancy woman

When are you going to wake up ?

Original poster

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 11:34

We were both to blame really, we get on very well. Had 1 too many glasses of vino, lots of chatting and flirting. I know I know, this is killing me, I am a twat. Landlord thing is very very strange, I actually spoke to the guy. I am missing something. This surely is not a normal thing to happen is it?

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 25/03/2013 11:35

Why did you speak to "the guy" ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/03/2013 11:36

Rather than trying to work out what's going on just drop him. But properly. He's not a friend any more, he's an ex. Don't you have real friends?

EggyFucker · 25/03/2013 11:45

OL, why do you keep coming back here ? You never take any advice. You don't want to hear it. It must make it harder for you to have it rammed home on a regular basis how stupid you have been. It's like you need us to punish you all over again. Well, you are quite adept at doing that for yourself, with the able assistance of your ridiculous husband.

It is clear you want to go back to the awful situation you have been living in for years (and posting about for what also seems like years)

Just go back. There is no point in anyone trying to help you out of it any more. You are going to have to learn it the very hard way, I am afraid.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 11:45

It was weird he rang to tell him he was not coming back and then just passed to phone to me, all very surreal, I didn't know what to say really. cog I do have some lovely family and a few good friends. But he was my best friend, I know that is hard to believe.

OP posts:

QueenQueenie · 25/03/2013 11:55

If he's your best friend... you don't need enemies.

annh · 25/03/2013 11:57

Well he's not your best friend any more. He is crapping all over you and you are allowing him to get away with it. Why, oh why, did you agree to lunch with him?

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/03/2013 11:57

OL - sighs he is using you. He does not want you but is happy to have pity shags with you

Please go back your other threads and read through these.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 12:00

ouch! I am obviously a weak pathetic person

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 25/03/2013 12:03

Play the victim if you like. But you should listen to me, and everyone else. You are deliberately sabotaging yourself. What we say makes no difference anyway, so please less of the "I must be weak and pathetic, because of what you said" bollocks.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 12:11

Oh I am self analysing really, just don't know why I engineered the whole thing yesterday, I was doing so well actually. Many things I am but not a victim. I am pissed off with myself really

OP posts:

KoalaFace · 25/03/2013 12:12

Oh OrchidLady I remember your previous thread from when he left.

It wasn't your choice so naturally you want your life to go on in a way you have some control over. But I really don't think that he is going to do anything that is not on his terms. Your life with him isn't going to be what you want.

But as others have said, they are your mistakes to make.

I hope it all works out better for you.

annh · 25/03/2013 12:12

"ouch! I am obviously a weak pathetic person"

What do you hope to achieve by posting something like that? Do you think that people are suddenly going to say "aaw, poor you, of course you are not pathetic" and suddenly the whole tenor of the thread turns around. I think you have posted so many threads about this man and his failings (isn't he the one who said he didn't love your son?) which have been going on for years, that people have just lost patience. How can you describe this man who has caused you so much grief and financial problems as your "best friend"?

EggyFucker · 25/03/2013 12:22

ann, there always newer posters who don't know a back history

who probably think all our comments here are harsh and victimising

this is why people post the same things over and over, hoping for a different response, or just one person to pat them on the head which will make it all ok

it's not ok

annh · 25/03/2013 12:27

Eggyfucker, I know, I feel bad ranting on like a harpy, as I am stomping on the keyboard I keep thinking I should calm down and show some sympathy. OP is obviously still struggling with this but I remember her posting here before (and before that and before than again) and no matter what people say nothing seems to change.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 12:29

No I don't want pity, but I do think I am being pathetic, I need to grow stronger.koala thanks, there is some truth in what you say, though we were both responsible for the break up, I think it because he is the one to have left, there was no choice in that, this is my house. Since he has left I am ironically getting more money from him, he is also making a much better effort with DS. So all good on that front.

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/03/2013 12:29

I am pissed off with myself really

Glad you are cross with yourself as it shows you are not that weak after all. Turn this anger into something far more positive....by making steps for a brand new life without this vile man.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 12:37

mad yep I have been a twat, just trying to work out why really. It did make me happy at the time, now I feel I have taken several steps backwards.

OP posts:

Charbon · 25/03/2013 12:46

Oh no!

OrchidLady the answer to this lies in you but you just won't deal with it.
You're in a complete state of denial about this man who is an alcoholic, an abuser, a drink-driver, a lousy partner and father who is infidelitous.

Yes the landlord story is suspicious. We said weeks ago that something odd was going on there, because why would such a selfish man give up the cushy number he had with you to live on his own in a boarding house?

What you need most in the world is some understanding of why you are so co-dependent on a man who is bad for you and your son.

Why you've put this relationship first before your responsibilities as a mother and the need to provide stability and peace for your child. This might sound harsh to unfamiliar posters but something has got to jolt you out of this morass. If you can't be responsible to yourself, be responsible for your son.

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