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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have done it again

89 replies

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 11:11

For anyone remembers for threads about my split with DP of 21 years. Sorry I am totally hopeless to link. I have so fucked up again this weekend, ended up going to lunch with him, coming back home and seducing him ( not that he put up a fight) Why do I do this? we had a very passionate night and morning, this is really bad right? It just felt so nice to have him here, I am so confused. Also something I still can't get my head around is he insisted in ringing his landlord ( share house) to day he would not be coming home, does this not seem terribly odd?

OP posts:

Report

Charbon · 02/04/2013 13:45

It's great news that you're now seeing him more clearly and are leaning on others for support. Well done.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/04/2013 13:53

Well done for not reacting to your DS's comment - it must be really hard though and I wouldn't be surprised if he continues to wind you up in this way so be prepared.

Orchidlady · 02/04/2013 14:04

Thanks guys, actually I think now people are beginning to realise we are not getting back together, they are being honest about their opinions, you know what people are like. I am finding it hard to know what you say to DS, I actually don't want to talk about the twat but am trying to stay impartial for his benefit. Any advise

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 14:07

Re: stay non committal

Don't slag off his dad to him. You can counter what he says of course with statements like "that wasn't a nice thing to say" and then move on

but don't get into any competitive tit-for-tatting

your son will respect you more in the long run for being the Bigger Person

AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 14:08

Re: your son, I meant to say

Orchidlady · 02/04/2013 14:20

Thanks any good advise. It not just me xdp is slagging of good friends of ours are also getting it in the neck, because they were honest about things he was saying. DS will see through all the bullshit soon, for now quite enjoying the attention/presents he is getting from his Dad.

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 14:26

Never underestimate the 1) mercenary nature and 2) ability to sniff out bullshit of your boy

Orchidlady · 02/04/2013 20:04

Another tester tonight. Went to drive to Tesco's tonight and bloody car would not start. Now in the not so distant pass I would have called HIM. No made do with what I had and cooked a lovely curry with left overs for us, and having a couple of cheeky Red ( left over from the weekend) I can hold my head up high . Find this time of night a bit

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 20:10

Have (just one more) glass of red and put your feet up with DS.

Make some new habits and routines. You will get through this.

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 10:14

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to stop him ringing in the house phone. We bought a mobile for DS, as when we first split he said the reason he did not call was he felt uncomfortable. Was happily watching a film with DS last night and he calls, apparently he is popping around to pick up a fishing rod, at some point today. For some reason this is really annoying me, I just want to see face for a while.

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MushroomSoup · 03/04/2013 10:28

You can say NO, you know.
"It's not convenient. You are only welcome here on pick up days"

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/04/2013 11:01

I would pack up everything he owns and leave outside front door for him to collect, bolt the door and ignore.

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 11:02

I only know about the coming over thing as overheard him talking to DS. Have not sorted out official pickup days. Xdp only taken DS out three times. Think I need to that that sorted. Trouble is he can stay over because he thinks his current place is not suitable

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MushroomSoup · 03/04/2013 11:13

You need to get a grip OP! He can't wander in and out and he doesn't have to stay at yours. He's keeping you on a short rein.
Offer him some contact time - you can keep it short and often if he has nowhere to go (then he can take him to the park or for tea) but its regular, set in stone and means he cannot turn up at any other time.

SueFawley · 03/04/2013 11:17

OL, I stopped posting on your other thread, but I have one word to say here again - I'm repeating myself - BOUNDARIES.
Stop allowing yourself to be controlled by him. Set some boundaries and stick to them. He's moved out of the family home, so all his bloody stuff should be gone too.

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 11:17

mad he has nothing here other than a mountain bike which I bought him, might sell it if does not cough up money this month. The fishing rod was accidently swapped with DS on Monday, why he needs it, the mind boggles. It is the phone thing that is annoying, I just wanted to know if I was being unfair. We get all settled and then he calls and makes me start thinking again.

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SueFawley · 03/04/2013 11:17

x post with Soup.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/04/2013 11:35

Orchidlady... I've read your other threads too but not contributed; you've had excellent advice from everybody.

I think you're unwilling to completely sever the links you have with you ex, you actually want the contact because you can convince yourself that you still have 'something' together. That's why he can click his fingers and you dance to his tune. A Sue says above - "boundaries" - meaning 'this far and NO further'. You can easily tell your ex, "right, your stuff is here for collection, pick it up by x-date or it will go outside and you'll have to risk it being stolen". Don't answer the housephone - or change the number and don't give it to him. Your son is the only person who needs to speak to him and he has a mobile. Should the unlikely event occur that you need to speak to him, borrow your son's mobile.

I think you've felt you've had a 'slapping' from posters here exasperated by your repeating the same behaviour but I really believe you don't see what you're doing. You want answers from HIM. He's NEVER going to give them to you so stop expecting them. Make it possible for him to have a decent relationship with his child if he wants it and leave it at that. There's nothing there for YOU now. Use that realisation to take a look at you as a person and prepare yourself so that you will have a much higher bar for your next partner - and hopefully, as a result, less anguish for you.

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 11:52

lying I know you are trying to be helpful but if you read my last few posts, I am no longer engaging. I have not called him, asked for help and most def not picked up the phone to him because I do realise to move on I need to detach. I have been with this person for 20 years, he was once was my one and only and it had been only 6 weeks since the split. Yes I have made mistakes but hope I am in far better place now and getting stronger each day. So easy for people pass judgment, it is really tough to know what do do for the best but I am no longer asking for answers. I actually see no reason why I should change my house phone number that I have had for the past 12 years, I think that would be singing to his tune. I going to tell him simply not to ring it I actually was only asking if I was being unreasonble, seems like most of you think this would not be and unfair.

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MushroomSoup · 03/04/2013 12:24

Orchid I am sorry if you thought I was passing judgement. I'm not. I've been where you are - in my mind, I'm passing on very good and practical advice, not judgement!

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 12:32

mushroom your advise is sound and that is exactly what I intend to do. Up until last week I was allowing him to wander in, taking me for lunch etc etc. But have realised that after each time, he then just breezed out I was back to square 1. So the door is now firmly locked and he not able to set foot inside. I was completely stranded last night because my car broke down. Did I call him NO, I am proud of that and it may seem silly to some but I see it I have turned a corner

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AnyFucker · 03/04/2013 13:34

OL, you know how exasperated I have been with you but I do think you have turned a corner

Tell your estranged husband he can no longer wander in and out on a whim and you will leave any remaining stuff out for him to collect. If he doesn't, his lookout

Any more
"misunderstandings" like swapped gear will also be left outside

There is no reason for him to call if you sort out a clear pattern of contact with your ds.. If he doesn't stick to it, it doesn't happen

I think you are getting stronger, but it's a sustained war really, not just one battle and all is well

You are going to have to stay strong for some time yet, and be very vigilant about him trying to soft soap and manipulate you

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SueFawley · 03/04/2013 14:24

OL, listen to AF. This is absolutely what you need to do from here.

Also, maybe not much comfort just at the moment, but there are plenty of us here that have been married/in partnerships for 20 years + and have survived to tell the tale. . I thought my life was over when my marriage ended after more than 20 years.
There IS life after you split up but to make the split easier to wade through, you need boundaries, and you need limited contact. Without boundaries it will just take longer for you to heal.

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 14:30

Thanks for your post Any I do feel I have turned a corner, still have moments of weakness but when that happens, I busy myself with something. I think it helped when I started to speak to people in RL and also found out what blatant lies he is telling and sick little games he was playing. I can see it now but not then. Some very odd behaviour for someone who has left but guess you guys have seen all that before. I have now given up trying to second guess and read something into his actions as none of it makes sense and it was driving me mad. I have asked DS who is nearly 13 not to keep telling me where his Dad is going what his Dad is doing, I do hope he understands.

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Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 14:32

SueF Again thanks. I need to sit down and make a plan about what suits DS and me. Tell him how it is and stick to it. Apparently DS said he is coming over later well we are not going to be is promised DS some goldfish. LOL

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