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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have done it again

89 replies

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 11:11

For anyone remembers for threads about my split with DP of 21 years. Sorry I am totally hopeless to link. I have so fucked up again this weekend, ended up going to lunch with him, coming back home and seducing him ( not that he put up a fight) Why do I do this? we had a very passionate night and morning, this is really bad right? It just felt so nice to have him here, I am so confused. Also something I still can't get my head around is he insisted in ringing his landlord ( share house) to day he would not be coming home, does this not seem terribly odd?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/03/2013 12:46

" just trying to work out why really."

Loneliness, nostalgia and a certain amount of self-delusion mixed with low self-respect. You'd like him to be the right one, you had some good times in the past, you've got nothing better on offer at the moment and you can suspend disbelief long enough to kid yourself it's not hurting to be his booty call... maybe you even think you're in control? Dunno..

In Victorian novels young men who wanted to 'forget' would up sticks and join the Foreign Legion. I think you're going to have to do something metaphorically similar.... change your life, cut him out of it and make a properly fresh start. Otherwise you're stuck on this hamster wheel and you'll never get off.

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 12:58

cog yes good advise you of course are right. The being on control maybe a big part, almost like I can still have him if I want to, if that makes any weird sense, It also does not help that a lots of people in RL think we belong together. OK now thinking of ways to get off this hamster wheel

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SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 25/03/2013 13:04

You don't think he had a bet with the landlord that he could spend the night with you do you? Only explanation I can think of that he needed to pass the phone to you.

Odd very odd.

Sorry don't know your history, but obviously many on here do, so I think you would be well to heed their advice.

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 13:09

sissy no it was nothing like that. He had no way of knowing, his reason was that his landlord panicks if he does not know, it is very strange. He has only lived there a month. I know I am missing something. Don't worry I am listening to advice it is all right. I have made a mistake.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/03/2013 13:15

"I can still have him if I want to"

Pyrrhic victory though, isn't it? Not bragging but there are two or three men I could call right now (married as well as single I hasten to add) and if I offered wine, supper and a no-strings roll in the hay, they'd be on my doorstep, tongue lolling inside half an hour. It would be a fun evening and I could high-five myself a Cog's still got it in the mirror, but would I still respect me in the morning.... ? Nah....

Truth is that anyone could have your ex if they wanted to.... and did....

Charbon · 25/03/2013 13:19

On most of your threads, infidelity has been suspected but I don't think anyone has ever suggested that it could have been with a man.

It would explain a lot, wouldn't it? The sexless relationship with you, the untreated depression, the motherisation of you, the leaving you to live with his woman friend and her husband, the complicated relationships your partner has had with your sons.

Is that possible OL?

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 13:26

charbon It would explain a lot and it has crossed my mind, and you know if that was the case I wish he would come out and tell me. I can not believe this weird story about a panicky landlord, it does not make sense. Not sure why he still would lie to me now though.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 25/03/2013 13:31

That occurred to me too - esp when you say that when you do have sex, its crap and that he has ED.

Charbon · 25/03/2013 13:31

He has every reason to lie, even now. He has always had a reason to lie, throughout the history of this relationship.

If you'd known that he was having sex with others and was bisexual, presumably you wouldn't have mothered him, had a child with him, paid for his life, put a roof over his head and made excuses for his behaviour. He doesn't want to lose all that permanently which is why he is having occasional sex with you now after years of poor or no sex at all. But it's not you as a person he wants. It's what you can give him. It's always been like that.

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 13:38

Now this is going to make you laugh, he told me this man does his washing as does not want him to use his machine. So get his underpants neatly folded on the bed. WTF!

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Charbon · 25/03/2013 13:57

That doesn't surprise me at all. This is a man who wants parenting.

Focus on you now, not him and why he does what he does.

Go and get yourself some sexual health tests though.

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 14:09

I really got to start seeing him for what he is don't I? I always seem to accept his excuses and stories. Just writing the above about this latest stuff just now seems so ridiculous when down in black and white. So DS can not stay there because of mad dog, he is not allowed to have alcohol because his landlord is alcoholic, controlling behaviour.

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Charbon · 25/03/2013 14:19

Yes, but his issues are too complex for you to see him for what he is.

It's more constructive now for you to see yourself for what you are and the attitudes and behaviours you've been allowing in you.

This is the key to it Orchid. It always was.

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 14:24

charbon Yes I know all this truely I am trying, I know what needs to be done. I think I just need to see him for what he is and stop thinking what if's this well help me move on. People in RL are not helping

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Charbon · 25/03/2013 14:30

I don't get the sense that you do know what needs to be done, about you.

You're still focusing on him and why he behaves the way he does.

You have no control over that. You can only control your responses to it and your own decisions and behaviour.

What do you think needs to be done about that Orchid?

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 16:20

I don't know really how to unravel this mess. It would be so much easier if we did not have to see each other. I am going to reread my threads from old and see if this helps.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 25/03/2013 16:21

why do you have to see him?

All contact via email/text re child care/access and the rest via solicitors.

EggyFucker · 25/03/2013 17:56

You do not have to see each other. Your son is old enough to walk down the path to meet his father and be dropped off by himself. All communication re. your son can be done by text, or at most by phone call.

You are engineering having to see him. You. Yes, you.

Please, work on some self-awareness

I have rarely seen a series of threads where the OP has repeatedly demonstrated such a clanging lack of the stuff.

Orchidlady · 02/04/2013 11:22

So an update, ladies you will be proud. This weekend was tough being Easter and all but I kept it together. Had family over and lots of fun and cooking, told xdp that he needed to take DS on Monday as I had other plans ( suddenly very interested, to which I replied it is none of his business what I do who I see, so Xdp took DS fishing yesterday. I spent a lovely day watching rom coms and the Colour Purple, eating left over turkey and Easter eggs. When he turned up to pickup I did not engage, put a big smile on and wished DS a good day, when he dropped of did not allow him him, refused to even look at him. Apparently he told DS I was being moody and horrible, oh well.

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 11:28

This is much more appropriate

Can you sustain it ? Or will there be another "oops" update from you in the near future ?

Orchidlady · 02/04/2013 11:48

nah he can go fuck himself tbh. Even got a lunch date with a chap I know. I actually thought he looked rather ridiculous the other day. Know will get good days and bad days but if I can get through this weekend, that is telling.

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 11:49

Indeed.

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Orchidlady · 02/04/2013 12:58

I am getting my self respect back. Too many people in RL are telling me he is taking the piss and I am allowing it to happen and I am worth so much more It was really hard and I was scared. Sis inlaw was great this weekend, all family have been great. Gives me a small amount of satisfaction to know what he is missing

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MadAboutHotChoc · 02/04/2013 13:04

Well done!!

You know you can do it (and on days when you feel you can't, fake it til you make it).

Detach, detach, detach!!

Orchidlady · 02/04/2013 13:10

Thanks mad I have cried on a few shoulders this weekend but who cares. I am not made of concrete. It was very hard not bite back a comment to DS when he said, oh Dad did not want to come in as I was in a bad mood and being nasty. Always painting me as the "bad" person. Self entitled cock it was not an option to come in, the door is now closed. He seems to like to tell things to DS hoping it will wind me up.

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