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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have done it again

89 replies

Orchidlady · 25/03/2013 11:11

For anyone remembers for threads about my split with DP of 21 years. Sorry I am totally hopeless to link. I have so fucked up again this weekend, ended up going to lunch with him, coming back home and seducing him ( not that he put up a fight) Why do I do this? we had a very passionate night and morning, this is really bad right? It just felt so nice to have him here, I am so confused. Also something I still can't get my head around is he insisted in ringing his landlord ( share house) to day he would not be coming home, does this not seem terribly odd?

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Orchidlady · 09/04/2013 17:34

Feeling really angry/upset this afternoon. Don't really know why as starting see what a complete prat he really is. He has been down the pub, telling people all kinds of stories, apparently I look like Lara Croft, he has owned multi million pound businesses around the world, telling people I earn 20K a month, that he had bought the house but just handed over the keys because could not stand living with me anymore ( mortgage in my name). I actually feel embarrassed and sorry for my son that his dad is such a complete looney. People are beginning to talk and laugh at him, as it is all totally unbelievable.I have heard this now from 3 separate sources so know it is true Sorry needed to get off my chest. Why do I blush when I hear these stories

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Orchidlady · 09/04/2013 12:13

charbon you are of course right. He has a serious personality flaw and seeing him more and more for what he is. I actually feel sorry for him, perhaps I used to confuse pity for love, I don't know. My flaw is that I always believe the best in people and used to believe his lies as he was very convincing.

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Charbon · 08/04/2013 18:16

The thing to remember is that selfish abusers are as likely to become ill as kind, selfless individuals. So not all of this behaviour - perhaps even any of it - is because he is ill. A significant proportion of his behaviour is because of his personality. Individuals with positive personalities and responsible attitudes also tend to get treatment when their illness threatens not just their own lives but those of others around them. Selfish abusive characters however refuse to get treatment and believe that everyone around them is in the wrong.

Orchidlady · 08/04/2013 18:01

over according to him, DS2 is a liar and just trying to make things difficult, DS1 is selfish, DB is a drunk, our friends are all liars and making up stories about him, my mother is a bitch. Funny everyone is wrong. I really hate DS2 seeing him but know if I stop contact then DS will blame me. Sure he will start to see the light all by himself at some point

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Orchidlady · 08/04/2013 17:55

Anger and disgust are taking over ( mixed with a tiny bit of pity) He has just called DS whilst we were out, pretty obvious he has no recollection of conversation with DS or me yesterday afternoon, desperate to fish for info so he can get his pathetic story right. charbon don't worry have not intention of going into rescue mode, everytime he lies to DS, drunkenly rants at me, my heart hardens. Even had the cheek to say I was coming on to him when came to pickup DS on Friday, I just had to ask SIL what the hell he is talking about ( she was here), she said I did not move from my chair and he has MH problems clearly( see even now I falter and doubt myself, but getting so much stronger.) I think he is seriously deluded ill

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overtheraenbow · 08/04/2013 17:10

BTW I would start a new thread as when I saw this and it was you thought, NOOOOO not again, was about to give you a stern talking to!! Glad it was not the case xx

overtheraenbow · 08/04/2013 17:08

Well done Orchid, proud of you girl!! ( You may recognise me from prev posts) Keep up the good work, don't let him weasel back in.
About your son being self centred, I was like; Shocked:
If he says this again tell him if that's the case the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! How dare he!
In meeting my ex now I have a clipboard and notes sit him opposite me ( on a slightly lower chair Big grin:) offer him tea and coffee as I would a client or customer. Let him know you mean business. I was advised to meet somewhere public but at that stage felt if I disolved into floods of tears would not be comfortable. But if you think you can do it would be in YOUR best interests.
Keep it business like and be strong. He may need help, not yours though!!

Charbon · 08/04/2013 16:27

I'm so pleased you are making these logical deductions now about his behaviour OL. You're quite right that if he can afford money for alcohol, he can afford to pay for his son.

Does he have his own family members and friends looking out for him now? Because this is of course now their responsibility and not yours. Please don't be tempted to go into rescue mode, because that's what you've done every time and it simply enables his behaviour rather than eradicates it.

It's great that you're creating new experiences for you and DS. These will all build your confidence and won't seem so daunting ever again. It's been a while since I posted but I honestly wasn't surprised to read that your family and friends now feel they've got 'permission' to be truthful about what a millstone round your neck your ex partner has been. Keep elicitng these confidences from people as they will bolster your resolve if you feel tempted to bail him out yet again.

Orchidlady · 08/04/2013 15:15

Also just wanted to add, that ALL family and friends think he needs help, beginning to show signs of cracking up.

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Orchidlady · 08/04/2013 14:27

So I think I should change my title to I have NOT done it again. Took DS and I off to Devon this weekend stayed in a lovely B&B, first time off alone. We had a really lovely time. Ignored phone call from X. When got back DS wanted to speak with dad, totally pissed up down the pub, not feed his chickens and dog as agreed. so bloody cross. Said it was my fault because I had someone else doing it ( I didn't) apparently he was calling me because he wanted to by me a car. WTF, this someone on Friday said he can now not pay me what we agreed as he has no money.

Sadly I think he is on a big downward spiral talking total irrational rubbish, ( reminds me of when he had his last breakdown, this time though he did not convince me I was in the wrong, so sad for DS. Not sure what to do about the money thing, my view is he can afford to go out and get hammered then he can afford to pay me what he owes

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Orchidlady · 04/04/2013 11:21

What man up? It makes me really sad to see DS chasing and calling, he asked me why does dad not bother returning me calls, what the hell do you say. Though according X, DS is just acting like this to upset me. Hmmm and DS2 is a self centred git as has not bothered to call him.

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AnyFucker · 04/04/2013 10:36

Don't count on it

Orchidlady · 04/04/2013 09:38

He turned up at 9.00 this morning to "drop off DS fishing rod" I was so busy washing my hair , he did not come in and was gone in 5 minutes. Think he is getting the message. Poor DS was upset last night though because his Dad had not been in contact or returned his calls. Poor kid always doing the chasing.Have told DS we are going to make a plan and stick to it, let's hope x can man up.

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MushroomSoup · 03/04/2013 19:53

Hurray for you! You're on the road to becoming fabulous again!

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 14:32

SueF Again thanks. I need to sit down and make a plan about what suits DS and me. Tell him how it is and stick to it. Apparently DS said he is coming over later well we are not going to be is promised DS some goldfish. LOL

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Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 14:30

Thanks for your post Any I do feel I have turned a corner, still have moments of weakness but when that happens, I busy myself with something. I think it helped when I started to speak to people in RL and also found out what blatant lies he is telling and sick little games he was playing. I can see it now but not then. Some very odd behaviour for someone who has left but guess you guys have seen all that before. I have now given up trying to second guess and read something into his actions as none of it makes sense and it was driving me mad. I have asked DS who is nearly 13 not to keep telling me where his Dad is going what his Dad is doing, I do hope he understands.

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SueFawley · 03/04/2013 14:24

OL, listen to AF. This is absolutely what you need to do from here.

Also, maybe not much comfort just at the moment, but there are plenty of us here that have been married/in partnerships for 20 years + and have survived to tell the tale. . I thought my life was over when my marriage ended after more than 20 years.
There IS life after you split up but to make the split easier to wade through, you need boundaries, and you need limited contact. Without boundaries it will just take longer for you to heal.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2013 13:34

OL, you know how exasperated I have been with you but I do think you have turned a corner

Tell your estranged husband he can no longer wander in and out on a whim and you will leave any remaining stuff out for him to collect. If he doesn't, his lookout

Any more
"misunderstandings" like swapped gear will also be left outside

There is no reason for him to call if you sort out a clear pattern of contact with your ds.. If he doesn't stick to it, it doesn't happen

I think you are getting stronger, but it's a sustained war really, not just one battle and all is well

You are going to have to stay strong for some time yet, and be very vigilant about him trying to soft soap and manipulate you

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 12:32

mushroom your advise is sound and that is exactly what I intend to do. Up until last week I was allowing him to wander in, taking me for lunch etc etc. But have realised that after each time, he then just breezed out I was back to square 1. So the door is now firmly locked and he not able to set foot inside. I was completely stranded last night because my car broke down. Did I call him NO, I am proud of that and it may seem silly to some but I see it I have turned a corner

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MushroomSoup · 03/04/2013 12:24

Orchid I am sorry if you thought I was passing judgement. I'm not. I've been where you are - in my mind, I'm passing on very good and practical advice, not judgement!

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 11:52

lying I know you are trying to be helpful but if you read my last few posts, I am no longer engaging. I have not called him, asked for help and most def not picked up the phone to him because I do realise to move on I need to detach. I have been with this person for 20 years, he was once was my one and only and it had been only 6 weeks since the split. Yes I have made mistakes but hope I am in far better place now and getting stronger each day. So easy for people pass judgment, it is really tough to know what do do for the best but I am no longer asking for answers. I actually see no reason why I should change my house phone number that I have had for the past 12 years, I think that would be singing to his tune. I going to tell him simply not to ring it I actually was only asking if I was being unreasonble, seems like most of you think this would not be and unfair.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/04/2013 11:35

Orchidlady... I've read your other threads too but not contributed; you've had excellent advice from everybody.

I think you're unwilling to completely sever the links you have with you ex, you actually want the contact because you can convince yourself that you still have 'something' together. That's why he can click his fingers and you dance to his tune. A Sue says above - "boundaries" - meaning 'this far and NO further'. You can easily tell your ex, "right, your stuff is here for collection, pick it up by x-date or it will go outside and you'll have to risk it being stolen". Don't answer the housephone - or change the number and don't give it to him. Your son is the only person who needs to speak to him and he has a mobile. Should the unlikely event occur that you need to speak to him, borrow your son's mobile.

I think you've felt you've had a 'slapping' from posters here exasperated by your repeating the same behaviour but I really believe you don't see what you're doing. You want answers from HIM. He's NEVER going to give them to you so stop expecting them. Make it possible for him to have a decent relationship with his child if he wants it and leave it at that. There's nothing there for YOU now. Use that realisation to take a look at you as a person and prepare yourself so that you will have a much higher bar for your next partner - and hopefully, as a result, less anguish for you.

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SueFawley · 03/04/2013 11:17

x post with Soup.

Orchidlady · 03/04/2013 11:17

mad he has nothing here other than a mountain bike which I bought him, might sell it if does not cough up money this month. The fishing rod was accidently swapped with DS on Monday, why he needs it, the mind boggles. It is the phone thing that is annoying, I just wanted to know if I was being unfair. We get all settled and then he calls and makes me start thinking again.

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SueFawley · 03/04/2013 11:17

OL, I stopped posting on your other thread, but I have one word to say here again - I'm repeating myself - BOUNDARIES.
Stop allowing yourself to be controlled by him. Set some boundaries and stick to them. He's moved out of the family home, so all his bloody stuff should be gone too.

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