Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

thanks mink

And cheers .

Married for 10 years. Controlling for a long time but slowly escalated to EA since DD was born. No physical violence and cold and calm rather than sweary and aggressive. Main EA resolves round putting me down (especially regarding appearance), not allowing contact with my parents, forcing me to work full time, and feeling my opinion is worthless. I also have strong evidence in text messages that he is cheating.

He does not know I know about his affair (yet!). He knows I sometimes think he is controlling but disputes this and does not think I would ever leave because of my Christianity. In fact used to threaten divorce quite regularly until he realised I might take him up on it!

I am getting my life in order without him knowing before announcing that I want to divorce. So far have spoken to WA, told my parents everything, have found a solicitor, got bank accounts, in process of sorting PT working. Once this is in place for a month then will tell H that I want to divorce. So hopefully in next 2 months or so as living together and acting normal is exhausting

snow that is exactly kinda nonsense my ex would pull- if we were out for the day he would go mental if i had not brought food for him and i used to think how come you cannot sort this out for yourself (it is not like i would bring food for myself and not him but usually brought a snack for the kids) does sound like he is angling to stay at yours. unbelievable!

Do you get on with DSc mum? Would it be possible to make an arrangement through her?

((tis)) how can religion possibly excuse that? Huts off to you for your resilience

And bounty wow. you really are putting in a sprint finish! That is some list of progress over recent weeks.

And for all. cheers.

Hats!!! Not huts.

I know i know. but it always something that shocks me when someone who claims to be a person of conscience who must regularly examine their actions and who believe in sin can have no doubts.

I can kind of understand it from those who are more from the 'do what you will shall be the whole of the law' camp.

I am not religious but was brought up that way and it was always about selflessness, love one another and respect.

I like the idea of a sprint finish. Although I suspect it may be actually a sprint to the starting post as I suspect when he finds I'm serious is when the fwittery will really start.

I have a lot to thank the ow for bizarrely as it is discovering the affair that has given me the strength to act! Also even fw cannot deny that the affair is wrong and a deal breaker although no doubt somehow if'll be my fault as I know he will not accept that he is ea or controlling.

I'll drink to LAF too!

FW here is always quick to police my selflessness, loving of others and respect of him. :o

silver I assumed they would go out somewhere. But equally, the shop is two minutes away so not beyond the bounds of possibility for him to have gone himself.

Re DSDs visit, I actually do think if the purpose is for her to see DCs, the easiest thing is for her to come and stay, she has been often and actually sleeps in my room when she wants, so while she might find it odd without FW, she would enjoy time with DCs. I would love to have her come and stay and could take a few days off for that. What I am not happy with is a visit being used as some kind of leverage to achieve goodness knows what. I really don't see how FW can think, even in his world, that we can all play happy families. Maybe he wants me to offer to look after her, I don't know. If it is during the week, it means he will not have to take time off. Argh, should not try to second guess. silver, I will put money on the fact that detailed email will not come as he has told me...

fool thank you, your post after my essay was brilliant, raised a smile!

bounty FW also did not believe in me going part-time, just in case something happened to him. What he really meant was he did not want to be financially responsible, he wanted to salthis (salt his, for some reason phone running these words together there) money away into paying off his mortgage and paying into his pension, whilst I ran myself into ground doing demanding job and looking after DCs. Of course at some point, I did realise that this pressure was MUCH easier to handle if that was all I had to worry about Anyway, enough about me, really great progress, wishing you energy for your sprint finish.

Cheers to all. as well. Tomorrow is another day. Made easier by being able to post here. Will do my bio then.

snow her coming to stay sounds ideal but hard to see how he won't try to use it in some way. i get to see my dscs but make arrangements directly with them. that way it is none of his beeswax. but they are quite grownup.

Any chance you can speak to her direct and cut out the fw middle man

Sorry, just to say, yes, there might be Fwittery when he finds you are serious, but every bit of it steels your resolve.

mink hard to say, she seems pretty much in his pocket. I don't know her very well. The only way I see it is he might see DSD staying as a positive as then he doesn't have to take time off. But what I realky, really don't want is him staying too. So probably not a go-er. I don't know. Worst outcome would be he brings DSD to see DC2 on Saturday as usual and cuts out DD, as DD usually spends the time with me (her choice)

Though on the time off front, he will no doubt suddenly manage if the alternative is her staying with me, having barely managed an extra day ever.

Oh LeClerc! He's being sooo complimentary

FW just asked me (in quite a stroppy way) when I was going to do some housework as the kitchen's a mess and bins need emptying.

I didn't respond...

Actually you FW it's MY house now and you're moving out in two weeks so just fuck off the far side and fuck and then fuck off some more

I've just had this article post on my facebook page - for all you lovely ladies who have a FW who thinks that a couple of hours of looking after the ids on a semi-regular bases makes them some sort of fucking hard-done-by superhero and you a terribly bad mother who simply can't cope with life...

www.huffingtonpost.com/amanda-king/stay-at-home-parent_b_2558642.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

Ponygirlcurtis - hi there! the reason I came to this thread was because of EXFWH but yes, mine and OP's event actually coincided with it. I THINK we're ok - I've gone over and over the argument, watched and listened carefully since then, looked at our relationship so far and I think we're fine. I've looked for other red flags that exist with my EXFWH (bad family background, barely concealed hurt and anger at being the elephant in the room no one in his family talks about, talking badly about exes, boasting about bad things he's done, getting all peacocky and show-offy about being so protective of me - especially around others, making a big show of when he's 'doing me a favour', giving me compliments that almost always come with some sort of qualifier) and I'm not seeing any of that behaviour. Since the argument when he's come home and he has had a bad day he's said he has but there's really no point in dwelling on it and he's just gotten on with things instead of being a bit grumpy - and he didn't do it in a way than made me feel he was giving off the message "Look!!! Look how wonderful I am , I've taken on board what you said! Feel guilty, I'm having to change because of you!". We have had one heated discussion over something the DS keeps doing over and over again but it all went well and we were fine and there was no lasting atmosphere, I didn't feel railroaded or judged, he didn't make me feel like my opinion was simply unreasonable, didn't put on the henpecked show...did none of the things I expect to see...so I thin we're ok...I think....

Honestly, I think the most perfect man on earth would still have me watching and listening and second guessing because I don't trust my own judgement and probably never will.

Leclerc - wow that looks good one of yours?
looks fantasic x
I bet DS is impressed, is it for his party? or just cos you're a great mum? x

Can I go hurl now? My skin is quite literally crawling from the insincerity...

snow - at FW talking about arrangements in front of the DC - very very very no on at all! And good for you for sticking to your guns.

trust re that article. the number of times i said 'it isn't a favour'. it never went in though. And quite often i had been at work all day when he had not and yet i was still expected to look after the kids and have his tea ready for whenever get decided to turn up to do me the favour of cocklodging in my house.

I would actually send him the link to that article were it not about SAHM. as he would just focus on that part and miss the bit where it says being a dad to your kids is the deal you signed up for.

Ps glad your new man is not a fw. oh for a normal debate/discussion with an actual conclusion.

onwards and upwards

Leclerc boak indeed my fw is being all nicey nice too. Which makes for an easier atmosphere but doesn't change my mind. It was hard coming to my decision- years of indecision, am I doing right thing etc. but now I've decided to trust my judgement and not agonise any more- the decision is made and that's that. Sol back next week, appt weds.

Hope all well - much as poss.

Sorry for such a long absence. Part of it was that H was starting counselling, supposedly making an effort, and it's been impossible to log in on the quiet.

He's finally back at work today for a few hours (although it was touch and go - he was ready to change his mind last night and I told him that it wasn't an option for him to stay home from work today). He's done everything possible to avoid it, but he's there. I ended up giving him a lift to work (which of course means I'll need to go pick him up again at end of shift), but refused to kiss him goodbye when he was getting out of the car at work. Petty? maybe. But after a morning of nasty comments, barking and shouting and swearing at the children and myself (including a lovely "Fuck OFF!" from him when I told him to stop shouting at the children), I simply said "after the way you spoke to me this morning? I think not." Then drove off. He actually looked surprised and irritated. So I'm sure I'm in for a dreadful afternoon and evening when he gets home, especially if his workmates standing outside noticed.

I cannot believe how horrible he was to us last night and this morning. And his reasoning? It's not his fault (of course) - it's because he's stressed about going back to work after being off sick for over 4 months. Oh, well, as long as you have a GOOD reason for treating us like shit, right?

Sorry. I cannot decide if I am angry or just resigning myself to the fact that he is never going to really change. Not truly. Just surface changes. The minute he gets irritated or stressed, Mr Nasty comes out to play. He admitted he was only going to counselling because I insisted and that if we split, he wouldn't follow up on it (not even to be a better Dad? I asked. No.) and he wouldn't follow up on his medical care (chronic medical condition - because "why bother?" Martyr syndrome alert.) and he'd quit his job (my fault because I made it difficult knowing he doesn't drive).

So sorry to be gone so long and then come in and dump this. I honestly have literally nobody to talk to about this and feel like I'm going mad.