Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Morning all. I had a rare thing last night - a full and settled night's sleep, and DS2 didn't wake until 8am! Wonderful. Shame I'd left my phone on and my alarm went off at 7.15am!!!

mink for your DC that they are missing their dad. Makes it all the sadder that he isn't spending much time with them. I don't think there's much you can do other than cuddle them, tell them that you understand that they miss him and you feel sad too. It's hard I know, when you just want to make them not hurt.

Breathe great galloping guns, girlie, you go!!!!! Hope you had a peaceful evening and things are still quiet today.

Maggie - cheering you on lovely. xxxx

Leclerc I think you should post a pic of your new sanctuary once it is finished.

I know, tis, I thought that too. My mum just asked me if I was in mourning. I said, why, has Margaret Thatcher died? Only because I had just been reading this thread. Who needs the news? Psychic powers of Vixenry.

But anyway, flying by to send good wishes to all you lovely ladies, as still not v well, and have Fwittery to contend with, so not stopping just now. Fingers and toes crossed for Maggie, really hoping for a positive update. And strength and courage to everyone else.

Oh dear! Feeling the might and power of the Vixens, a force to be reckoned with we are - let's channel that energy to getting the other Maggie out. (And help the rest of you make your plans - Breathe, bounty, and Nini, who I spotted on another thread making solid plans to leave, yaaaay! And Charlotte, who will be back from hols soon.)

Hope you feel better soon snow.

I'm being a really selfish poster ATM but it's harder than ever to get online. I'm in such a dilemma, my mum is an alcoholic but she's ok just now. I stayed with her a while ago whilst my dad was away Nd my dog got awful diarrhoea I was meant to be getting the train back but whilst I was out shopping, mum decided I couldn't take dog on train so she phoned H... I was clearly horrified but he told me all she said to him was "can they stay another night" nice thought but the worst possible thing she could have done.
I phoned h, really worried and he told me that she had said that she know we were having problems and that I wasn't seeing anyone else

I emailed my mum and told her how disappointed I was with her interfering and I just saw her today for the first time and told her what h said he said (god, soap opera or what) and she absolutely denied saying any of those things and looked really upset.

Now I don't know who to believe and I'm so that one of them has lied to me. Mum had had a few drinks that day so I firstly assumed it was her but now ... Head fuck

I remember when you posted about that happening, MrsM. That's a really hard one. I guess it's possible that your mum genuinely doesn't remember, due to her having had a few drinks. It's also entirely possible that your H is playing mind games.

Had you told your mum that H suspected you of cheating, or there was an issue of him being suspicious?

How has your H been behaving around you/towards you since then, has he stopped accusing you, is he questioning you on exactly what you told your mum? Whenever my FW thought I'd been talking to people about our problems, despite him expressly forbidding it, he'd quiz me on what I said and their reaction. Even if I hadn't, he'd try and catch me out.

Just trying to think of ways to narrow it down. But, of course, it actually doesn't matter. It's a red herring - the issue is still your relationship with H and how that is.

I was going to ask whose biopic I should watch next. evil grin. no obviously i didn't wish the wicked witch woman dead but the news is not causing a great deal of tears north of the border more the reopening of old wounds.

mrsM i remember that too. i don't know
i guess it does not matter what fw says as it cannot be trusted anyway. Hd will most likely say whatever suits his agenda. but i suppose you want to know if your mum has got your back or not.

Thank you pony yes, it is all a red herring but I'm just a bit stunned by it all.

I'm also that we appear to have pipped Mrs T off !!! shame it doesn't work on FW's am joking obviously

breathe well done for hitting the ground running. Keep the momentum going. It seems I went to bed a bit early last night!

pony yay for lots of sleep

MrsM I was thinking about you today. Also lahti and nini who we've not heard from for a while. It sucks that you can't rely on your Mum. Are there any friends that you could share with or siblings/other relations that would be more reliable than your Mum. It doesn't seem helpful to forever be wondering if your Mum is going to betray you, whether it's accidental or on purpose. Are you any nearer to escape?

snow hope you're feeling better soon

Leclerc - bad news for me re: 2 year olds being vocal about FW leaving. I was kind of relying on that particular hurdle being easier. Still I suppose better to know now and prepare. I too would like to see the TofD relaxing in your sanctuary.

mink What's next on your DVD pile!

Hi again, yes, am feeling a bit better if it were not for the anxiety generated by FWittery.

MrsM, I remember that incident as well - I think pony is right that it is a red herring, still, I can get what you are saying about not being able to trust your DM, at the same time feeling like she is really upset because of it. What a difficult situation. Not sure what to advise, I wouldn't trust my parents at all for different reasons, but I know that. I agree with bounty maybe find other RL people to talk to who you do trust? It is so very helpful to have someone at the other end of a phone or who you can chat to who understands where you are coming from.

To the question of 2 years olds and their feelings about non-resident parents. in my experience of two - yes, they miss their daddies, and I have always just been as open as possible and said I understand that, it is okay, and when daddy is next coming, or they are next seeing daddy. If they have frequent contact, I think that helps. mink, I think I mentioned before that DD only saw her dad literally 1 - 2 hours a week. It was kind of rubbish, really, but it got better over the years and she does have a good relationship with him now. Neither of them have cried on leaving daddies though. I don't know, I find the separation from them hard, especially with DC2 as it is all so new still.

Sex - there was a discussion about sex I missed as I was too ill to read - but my contribution would have been very short. No, no and no again. It is one of the things I am not sure how to begin to talk about, I think pony said similar, or that she kept returning to it.

Parents - that would be another long one, but I am sorry for those of you, including silver who do not have parental support. I don't either. My parents have behaved so badly over the years, it was really recognising that which started me recognising what was wrong in my relationship. But they are visiting for a short while this week, which will be interesting.

Going to start another post as this one is getting long...

YY on good wishes to the ladies who have yet to escape the Fwittery. Breathe well done on standing up to him with your resolve to separate and Alice hope you are okay after shelving debacle. Good wishes to everyone else.

Well, as I said - short taking of the rant baton - I have had Fwittery to deal with, and it has been a bit of an eye opener. It really was Jekyll and Hyde. I had made a request about something i wanted to do with Dc, don't want to go into too many details, which it transpired would cause him to change his plans and basically, he responded in a verbally abusive aggressive manner in a public place in front of Dcs at handover. Despite me stating clearly that i did not wish to argue, or to discuss in front of DCs. So very stressful. But then, at pick up, it was all sweetness and light, I know your request is reasonable, of course, I did not mean to upset you, I actually love you etc etc, let's talk about it on the phone. The change was just so noticeable, and it did totally wrong foot me as I had been prepared with my stand firm speech.

I ended up saying nothing and just leaving with DC2 as quick as possible. But it felt so utterly awful. Have now texted and said no, will not talk about it any more, am doing it - because, and this is not in the text, if I think about everything I have done to look after DCs and try and keep the family together, one simple request and I very, very rarely made requests, generated that response, that makes me upset as well, becuase if he actually did love me, he would have taken on board why I was making the request and been prepared to discuss in a reasonable manner from the outset. So, it seems so utterly false. On top of that, huge anxiety as told him about solicitor's letter and he won't be happy with contents for sure.

So somehow need to rein in the anxiety as want to enjoy rest of days with DCs. My thread resolution is to sort the CBT, but I fear the thread will win, as I need to wait till after school holidays. Am really hoping I can relax enough to get to sleep as I got four hours sleep last night and I still feel a bit ropey, BUT much better than a couple of days ago. I just feel this is such an awful situation and that I should be able to cope better, but the only way I see now is to try to protect myself, so that I can be a good mum to DCs. I honestly feel like I need an emotional and physical break with no stress, and I don't see that coming.

Oh well, someone else can pick up the rant baton now.

Good grief, pony just re-read that bit in my first long post, which completely does not get across what you were saying at all - - it is my sleep deprived brain. Sorry, and sorry again. I am not even going to try to reiterate, I will just make it worse.

Snow - you sound exhausted and rundown. As silly as it sounds maybe you should try and make a little time for simple things like a bath one evening. I'm sure your fw was just trying to confuse you with the nice guy act after the earlier showdown. It's almost more stressful when you're not sure which fw is going to turn up than always dealing with nasty fw.

And I wouldn't beat yourself up over not sorting out the cbt. Thread resolutions are useful to gently encourage us but not as something else to feel bad about. And threads fill up so quickly these days that there 's barely time to achieve anything! Just sort your cbt out when school restarts.

Wishing you a restful sleep tonight. X

((snow)) if you don't mind me asking is this request a parental responsibility sort of thing? I am afraid my attitude to a lot of that kind of thing these days would be to do what i think best and if he wants to he can take me to court. sorry that is probably not v helpful.

Sorry you are having such a rotten time. sounds like it is all getting on top of you. i can pm you some cbt tips that work for anxiety if that helps but it is only really for acute panic attacks so may not be helpful. i only got cbt once related to anxiety disorder before i met ex. therapist did not have much to offer apart from above tip.

Ex had whole course of it along with god knows how many years of counselling.

maybe time for some fuck you flowers and a good laugh. if i need a laugh i tickle dd2 her laugh is infectious.

i think i might ask to see psychiatrist again. i think i am fine but i cannot usually tell how i am without benefit of hindsight and i may have taken on too much and be getting a bit too energised. seem to be chock full of ideas. which is fine. while it lasts. so i want a check up and a plan in place in case the wheels come off. it is scary now the kids only have me to rely on. Have been very well for last 8 years since i gave up all medication apart from brief pnd/situational depression ex being total fw when they were tiny so i should be ok but want some backup. that is if i ever find the time to go.

Thanks for reassurance re. dcs. they keep asking why he can't come back here. But yes they do have other positive male role models.

Think we could all do with some flowers

snow - hope you got a good rest last night. This whole situation is exhausting. My HV tells me I have to do one nice thing for myself every day, even if it's just letting myself lie on the sofa all evening, or getting a proper early night. But on thing for you to enjoy and not beat yourself up over doing.

mink I think it does make sense to speak to someone, it never ever hurts to get some extra help. Thanks for the , have some back! And thanks for the lovely daffs, Leclerc - gorjus!

I should have kept my blinking mouth shut about my one full night's sleep. Back to normal last night - approaching double figures by about 3am... (that's me yawning, without covering my mouth, whatever would FW say???)

OMG my kids have this but then again so do I sometimes

It is quite a non serious disorder!

mink! Love it, reminds me a bit of The Onion.

I especially liked the outraged comments from people who, ahem, missed the joke.

Ha ha I loved it too, especially the outraged comments

Need to rant, sorry. My poor dc.
They were at FW's for about 5hrs today. Went to pick them up and they were both rushing to tell me that daddy had smacked them both.
FW has admitted to 'a tap on their backsides'. He says he left them in the kitchen while he went to peg the washing out for 2mins and when he came back they had 'trashed' the kitchen.
Now there is a lock at the very top of the kitchen that I used to lock to keep them out of that room if I needed to do anything like that because DS is 2 and likes to climb onto the worktops using the washer door as a step. There are loads of things he can get up to in there. I blame FW entirely for leaving them in there.
DD says she saw DS knock over the vase of flowers and then she went to find FW. She then says he threw the dustpan and brush at her and made her clear up DS's mess and that he'd also picked them both up by their t.shirts and thrown them on the sofa. [angy]
I am so, so annoyed and upset for them. FW says they need to learn. I told him, using as much restraint as I could in front of the dc, that smacking teaches them nothing.
I can't believe he carries off like that for something that could've been avoided if he'd thought ahead.
This is the reason I stayed so long-scared of leaving my poor babies with him and something like this happening without me there to protect them.

MR Matchstick

i

Just heard this news and thought of you ladies and hoped you were all safe. news.sky.com/story/1075840/bolton-le-sands-murder-man-arrested-by-police
I have not been on for a while as my FW hasn't been on the scene for two months now and felt a fraud but still looking over my shoulder and on the door mat for more legals.
Hope you are all doing as well as you can possibly.