Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Mink and Snow, I don't have my next counselling session until the 15th as have no childcare, but will let you know.
I certainly played the part of secretary well. It entertains me that he will have no Idea,when his MOT is due, nor when the car or house insurance comes up for renewal, so he will have no time to get a good deal. I sorted all that stuff.

Woman's hour yesterday- just listened to podcast had a bit on the doula network supporting women in refuges through labour.

www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/whnews link to podcast page. cannot link to actual download from my phone.

doula.org.uk/content/doula-access-fund

Maggie - hope everything is okay. I have been struggling to find private time to post as well. H has gone to an appointment and then has work today, so may actually be able to pop in here and there today - what a luxury!

I am feeling a bit sick, tbh. H is sleeping more and more during the day, even when he's gone to bed at early, sleeping in the main room where we are. Puts everyone on eggshells. The shouting is back to daily again. I was putting it all in my diary, but it's just so depressing I've just had to make occasional notes for awhile. Plus getting free time to log things is really difficult.

Why is it so fucking hard to be human? Why the need to be nasty? It just makes my head hurt. What can he possibly get out of it?!?! Because it doesn't make for a happy relaxed household - quite the opposite. And he doesn't get everything his way, because I've been fighting it constantly - calling him on each and every time he goes off at us. So exactly what the fuck is he getting out of it?

Stay safe Maggie. Thinking of you and cheering you on. The next few weeks will be hard, in lots of ways, but you are doing the right thing, you are nearly there.

Alice that just sounds miserable. Sometimes I think it's just that they literally don't know any other way of being other than mean. It worked for so long in getting him what he wanted, maybe he thinks if he just keeps plugging away at what he knows, you will eventually fall back into line. (See, it's all your fault really...)

Leclerc - just so completely inappropriate for him to be buying you clothes. He just. Does. Not. Get. It. And never will. Hope you are feeling better this morning and are more looking forward to creating your lovely 'me' room.

Tried valiantly to stay up for some Vixens action last night, but crashed out before 10pm and just couldn't keep my eyes open. Don't know what's wrong with me!

sorry ladies, couldn't lend any supporting hands, everything felt very black. Feeling a lot brighter today (by comparison) and wanted to send out huge energies to Maggie for the final push (like birthing did someone say?) being reborn maybe... Keep focusing on feet firmly glued to floor Maggie staying grounded and steady breathing.. we're all rooting for you in this last home stretch. Keep your cover safe, your powder dry (and all those things!). Stay safe, and lots of ((((hugs)))) - looking forward to raising a toast all round in the Vixens to celebrate your freedom, not too long now, good luck with signings and finalities.

He's clinging on in there Tis heh? will be telling everyone the time and money spent on said new top! and won't you be the awful one for exchanging it! stoopid FW. The early warning signs today!! It was a loooong time ago to remember! and very skin crawling. Do you think you might go on another ever?

Take it easy Pony it can hit like a steam train climbing down finally from the adrenalin, and really relaxing. Sleep, sleep and more recovery sleep.

I would conserve your energies Alice! Hopefully we will never get to understand them! As there are so many more fun things to be doing with our lives... but if you really wanna know, you could get the 'why does he do that' book, Lundy.

I spent far too many years trying to reason with the unreasonable, rationalise the irrational, and fathom the unfathomable, to give any more energy to it. It can be simple, they do it, I don't like it.

Huge YAY! for Doula's Mink thanks for link.

and thoughts and warm wishes to all. xxx

You are right, of course, Fi. It really is as simple as 'I don't like how he behaves'. But it takes a long time (certainly did for me) to lose the need to know why and for him to see that it was wrong and to understand and repent. There is just no figuring them out. Better to read Lundy!!

I am sad about the years I wasted (IMO) trying to work it out, as in, trying to make it make sense so that 'I' could make it better!??!!? I know that I worked incredibly hard for that excuse of a relationship; I have shifted across to the other side, its his problem, I don't understand him and don't want to, I don't like what he does, simples I didn't actually work anything out really until well after I was out of it (I always was a bit slow on the uptake!) I agree it was mostly about trying to get him to understand repent and change. Haven't done Lundy yet, but something makes we not want to find out 'why he does it'. I'm just gonna keep on keeping away I think .

just to state: I am not dissing our hallowed St. Lundy invaluable resource.

Fi, I often think we are 'chosen' for our ability to be loving, giving, concerned and empathetic. If we weren't like that as people, we wouldn't bother to try and work it out so we could make it better, we'd just walk away. We cannot be different from who we are, at least we are true to ourselves in that sense. I would not be surprised at all to learn that FW's new girlfriend was a nurse or in some kind of caring profession. I worry for her.

FWIW, I read Lundy while I was in the relationship, but although it had some impact then, it had much more impact when I re-read it after I was out. Maybe it has to do with me needing to not see the full horror of things while I was still in the relationship, because I couldn't cope with it or admit it then, not when I was still kidding myself trying to work on things.

How did your last FP go Leclerc?

we're special

Alice I think maybe they do it because they feel bad when they are not doing it like by being nice/helpful/unselfish/making an effort they are somehow compromising themselves, giving something they are not willing to have to keep giving and losing control or being a made a mug of. (not because they are but because they have some kind of irrational paranoid fear of it)

my ex was always claiming I had made a mug out of him and asking what exactly was he getting out of all this. it was his favourite question 'what do i get?' I never saw relationships that way before so did not really know the answer to that question. but clearly, looking back, he was getting a lot more out of it than I was. I tried asking him 'what do you want?'
I tried 'if you are not happy, why stay?
I tried 'what are you giving to it?'

as far he was concerned he gave me the kids.

so to answer I think it is somewhere between a stress reliever and an addiction for them. like smoking. a very bad habit that does not do you any good but not one that is easy to give up. and as my ex very perceptively used to say 'bullies kick down'. so they do it when they are feeling pressure from the outside. they feel bullied by life so they take it out on everyone else. when in fact it is usually some fuck up entirely of their own making that is causing them the problems in the first place.

yay to all the progress

and yy to they pick us because we have empathy. and also because we are fixers and they feel broken. if only we would realise sooner they are irreparable.

although my ex used to say I had none. saying it does not make it so

Pony, Fi I think it's so true about use being nice, special people to put up with such s**t treatment for so long... I am too nice and have always been the one who sides with the underdog, lets others win, etc, always be the one who stays behind to clean up after the PTA events, while H would NEVER help or if he did will go on about how nice he is for ages afterwards.

I think being honest that it is just possible that I secretly admire myself for being able to put up with it in a very martyr-y sort of way, and I've only come to realize this since finding this (marvellous) site and doing a lot of soul-searching... but it also makes me realize that it it down to me to reject this pattern of behaviour. And LTB eventually! After exams...

Re the holidays-- I have been getting grief about why I haven't planned a holiday for us but DD reminded my of the last holiday I planned, to the Ile de Re in France. It was FINE but we heard no end of criticism from H, a joke really because he was so off-base, ie such complaints as beach too sandy or not sandy enough etc, and criticism all directed at ME so by the end of it I had made a pact with them never to organize a holiday again. Which he seems to have forgotten!

Very very bleak here at the moment... will try not to clog up the thread with more me-me-me stories but am just so sad to see how affected my DS's relationship is with H. He is 19, a nice boy (so say I) but H just laid into him calling him selfish, saying he treats our house like a boarding house and uses our electricity and eats our food (he's home from uni for a few weeks)-- I felt sad for DS, so unnecessary, all because DS would OF COURSE rather see his friends tomorrow night (someone's birthday party) and doesn't want to go out to the countryside with H for 3 days But the strange part is that DS just told me that H told him, separately from me, that the argument was ALL MY FAULT, which DS thought was perplexing in the extreme because he knew that he hadn't told me about the party so how would I have even known... but I think H wanted to get back into DS's good books by having a 'stupid woman how stupid is she' bonding session with DS which is NOT going to happen. Now DD and I have to go out tomorrow morning to keep him company, but I'm OK with it as DD actually wants to go, AND I have planned something, a really long walk (a section of the Ridgeway path, many miles) and am really looking forward to doing that.. wonder how he will try to spoil it but it's a pretty bomb-proof plan, that he can only try to spoil by refusing to come but DD and I prefer walking on our own so not a problem, and he can't object to us doing such a wholesome activity as he's always saying we need to lose weight

mink agree! how is it that they are all so alike. I always thought it was just him!

LeClerc great about the new sofa! Good luck getting it into it's place.

OK guys, I'm out - its almost certainly my ex who posted, MNHQ have told me what was said. I feel the need to shower over and over again...and I feel I can't be myself on here and can't trust...exactly what he wants. He's probably taken every negative things I've said or anything that could potentially paint me in a bad light. I've told my domestic abuse worker and hopefully she'll tell the police, but I doubt anything can be done. Will miss you guys. Stay strong against the fuckwits and their woe-is-me-that-bitch-ruined-my-life-look-how-badly-done-by-I-am attitude.

Trust - so sorry. It's not right that you lose support over this.

I worry about being outed as well. Perhaps we could have a "safe" section that can be posted in as well - sort of a second layer? Not sure how it could work though. A puzzle.

H has been at work or gone most of day. Was dreadful when he was home, but thankfully that was brief. He works long hours on the weekend now, which I sadly am looking forward to. I need a break from the aggression, and that will do for a start. Had a lovely relaxing evening tonight with the children, and they are now happily tucked in bed. I've got awhile before he comes home, so I'm going to enjoy the calm.

I have had more aggro from FW tonight. Asked him for his measly £60 contribution towards the rest of the childcare costs ( he does a salary sacrifice to the nursery too) and he started banging on about how much money I must get in CTCs and how I'm only interested in the money, he apparently gave me everything, but I didn't want it, he didn't make me leave . The best bit was when he said he was getting fed up of all this and may move away. A) the dc are all he has outside of work B) the house had already been on the market 2 years when I left with no interest and now it looks like a bombsite and C) he is full of shit.

Snow no, don't worry at all, I had been questioning it myself and it's good to have feedback

Trust so sorry to hear about this violation. It's such a shame you can't be getting the support from us while you go through this. ((((hugs))))

leclerc glad you're feeling better and have changed the top - how typical of a fw to pull a trick like that.

Maggie look after yourself, lovey.

and to everyone on here.

My fw is being horrendously pleasant IYSWIM. It makes me giggle a bit to even write that, it would seem so ludicrous to anyone who didn't understand EA.

Anyway I have a massively hard week this and next week with work (by weird chance, kind of have three jobs on the go at the mo) but after that it all slows down (only one). It's been so horrendously busy, whilst driving kids today, I felt so tired I didn't feel safe driving and we had to stop in a motorway services so I could shut my eyes for a few mins - better safe than sorry I guess.

Match xpost - so sorry your fw is being such a, well, fw. That sounds horrible.

Breathe I can't enjoy it anymore when H is pleasant. I'm always waiting for the down beat, IYSWIM. It's too tense, wondering what's going to set him off.

And THANK YOU to MN for fixing that glaring oops on my previous post.