Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Well done, Match! When you get the book, I'd be interesting to know what it is, if you don't mind - sounds helpful! I've found a local counsellor, am seeing her next Tuesday. Fingers crossed she'll help me stay on track.

First toast to match and leclerc for standing tall!

interesting = interested btw!

Yes, will let you know Breathe. I'm really finding counselling helpful, but still wonder what she thinks of me, whereas I suppose I shouldn't care. I fear I am coming across as very negative and moany.

Fingers, precisely. I said to Sol, well it wasn't like I'd said, "I'm sleeping with your best friend and you're a needledick BTW" because I am not in the wrong in any way and anyway I wouldn't be so stupid as to provoke a violent man. But yes, putting aside common sense around off-kilter people, obviously in a just relationship, provocation would not cause violence - possibly arguments and shouting but no off the wall stuff.

I think my sol, while quite charming, is probably ruthless, which is one reason I chose him. I kinda feel like I'm fighting like with like IYSWIM. So while I wouldn't choose to have r/s with him (and I'm sure it's mutual!), I think fw needs an opponent who won't be intimidated or shocked in any way. The other sol was a bit wishy washy and po faced.

tis have pm'd you one and also there is this www.e-n.org.uk/2695-Domestic-violence-and-the-church.htm

Breathe, even if you had said, "I'm sleeping with your best friend and you're a needledick BTW", your ex would have been justified in walking out the door, not physical violence. That is totally appalling, that you were asked that.

Urgh. It just plays into the whole 'if I were a better person, FW would not behave the way he did/does' thought process. Provocation, even if it existed, would and should not be a defence.

Sorry, am very tired, and have a pile of ironing to do, so no in the Vixen tonight. Strength to all.

You're right snow

Hey ladies, am here raising a to you all. Leclerc, as always you conduct yourself with integrity, well done for staying with the 'no' in the face of such pressure. And well done both Match and Breathe. You both done good!

Just watching a film (Ted), and one of the characters just said 'Stay Golden, Ponyboy'!!!! I am ridiculously delighted to have been name-checked (kinda...)!

Cheers pony - funnily enough I was digging out my old children's books for dd and The Outsiders was one of the first ones. I thought of you

Leclerc being so true to yourself, you're bound to feel all the bumps on the road but your reward is longlasting happiness which your integrity will lead you to (does that sound a bit woo sorry, but I do mean it. One of my probs being too upbeat and not letting the true feelings through IYKWIM and that hampers me endlessly)

I am worried about my sol now. It WAS wrong what he said. But he is good at his job and dynamic. Seems a bit late to change now? There have been some dodgy things he's said, but equally my friend who recommended him had great success sorting her PA and EA ex with him. I spose as long as he gets the results I want.

match can youlet me know what the book is called please. i don't know if I have proper boundaries or not.

Tis

tis but agree well done for sticking to your guns however difficult it was.

You will find some who are understanding. In teh church that I was brought up one of the women who had divorced her violently abusive husband remarried outside the church and excommunicated herself because of it. The priest told her that any time she wanted to come to Communion he would give it to her (regardless of what the church said) because he said God's love was about the spirit of the law not the letter.

And even if you did decide to forgive him you still don't have to live with him. The two things are not the same.

breath it is shockingly recently that the defence of provocation was got rid of. There was a man who stabbed his wife to death because she had 'nagged' him for years and that was regarded as provocation.

here is hoping he was just testing you and not totally misguided. maybe that is what he is expecting FW sol to say. perhaps you should ask him in the event that FW does claim he was provoked what does he your sol intend to do about it?

tis tomorrow is another day and soon you will have a new sofa on which to drink hungarian merlot and you can get an electric blanket for it and have a warm merlot drinking on FW free sofa.

FW will no doubt show his true colours eventually and someone will catch him out. he no longer has you as an outlet and it always comes out somewhere. they can't help themselves.

Hi all

Charlotte - hope you get through the holiday; maybe treat it as time for some reflection if you can?

Leclerc - pardon my french but....fuck the church. Chyrch coubsellirs are notoriously unhelpful and at times fownright dangerous because they are often not trained in how the abuse dynamic works and even if they are, their biblical agenda - which lies at the heart of their own personal truth thus the sanctity of marriage takes presedence at all costs - fogs up their view of justness and equality. Detatch. Ignore. Disregard. Hold your head high.

breathe really sorry, it was absolutely not my intention to give you doubts about your solicitor, more to reassure you that you could not have provoked it, iyswim. I think mink is right that you could raise it directly with your solicitor. Also look at the bigger picture, this was one remark, you are able to judge on the tone of the whole meeting and his advice/provision generally. It is in your solicitor's interests to get you the results, so what matters is whether you think he can do that.

tis well done for not being railroaded. And for getting your sofa. Of course you feel flat, the people who should be supporting you are not. There is not an easy answer to that, except maybe take heart from those who are rooting for you. Tomorrow is another day.

match good for you, you are not his secretary. Please share the book title when you get it, if that is ok. My boundaries need building need shoring up.

tis this may help
eaandfaith.blogspot.co.uk/2005/07/qualities-of-healthy-christian.html
Apparently he has also written 2 books on Christian marriage and domestic abuse.

I am afraid that I do not agree at all with the patriachal view of marriage but in the link above he refutes this idea (through scripture) and suggests a different interpretation of what a marriage should be.

Hi all, apologies for unearthly hour of posting but FW is off work all this week and watching everything I do, ugghh.

Some tough situations happening on thread at the mo, stay strong ladies. Leclerc well done for standing your ground, don't let them grind you down, we all have your back here. Having grown up having the catholic faith literally rammed down my throat it makes me so angry when any church tries to just sweep such situations under the carpet. No offence to your faith my lovely (I have completely lost mine) but feck em. Stick to your guns.

Nice to see others still on here and welcome any newbies, have just scanned thread sorry. I'm vvvv anxious about next few weeks here, FW is off work and I need to do a few trips to estate agents to make final payments/sign forms etc and not sure how I'm going to do it, excuses are running thin on the ground-fake docs appts etc. He is defo excelling the level of FWerty but I am not rising to it but vvv aware of the levels rising. I've got this far. Just worried about when I actuallly leave, planning to go when he's not here and leave a note. Not sure that is right or not. Feel like my panic attacks are going to start up again any day now too

Now.....tell me what is this Vixens??? the comfy sofas sound fab (hopefully more comfy than this shite on I sleep on) and does it stock sambuca??!! And does it have a late night disco that plays 80s cheese?!!! Sorry getting a bit carried away, I have been awol from the thread too long and its now 4am and think I'm suffering the madness side effect of sleeping with one eye open for years!! x