Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - number 19

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you're dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change - please don't give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi trust...the thing is it could be my FW and any or all of them could be looking for any/all of us...they are all the same with just a few minor alterations,

Trty not to stress and if you are really worried namechange...you need a lifeline to see through the twttery/fwittery.

to those of you concerned for the health of my own FW...he appears to be adequately round and in the first flush of Victimitis...threw down a few apologies, a few (buckets) of tears, a bit of poor me my life has been hell over the last 17 months, you can't dvorce me, it's not fair on the children (yup, those will be the ones in therapy due to you),it's a bad witness.....bleurgh

Initially had forgotten about FW bingo but I reckon he had a full house in 10 minutes...

and here's the best bit..he hasn't even opened the DV petition, nor the financial emails ...so lots of change there in taking responsibility for his life then....

gah

off to the legal board to find out what happens if the respondent won't respond (cheaper and faster than my solicitor)

peace and love ladies
Get lost if you're stalking anyone...it won;t help you it just shows what a sad lame excuse for a man you are....

oh fool you REALLY don't need that but at least you can come on here and get a round of applause for your stonking FW bingo success. Keep that sense of perspective!

Sorry I have been a terrible lurker here and alternatively wringing my hands or high-fiving into the air reading your stories... not much to add from my situation, still here and still plotting exit strategy then pulling back when I think about jeopardizing DD's stability. Not long to go before her final exams in June and she is really going to need to work v v hard to get the 3 A's she needs for her first choice. No one has any doubt that she can do it but the nature of exams is such... that you have to answer the questions, correctly, on the appointed day and hour, in clear legible writing-- so much riding on it!

DS is home from uni for a few weeks. I'd forgotten how much he irritates H (no reason except.. jealousy?? DS is handsome, kind (ish!) and popular. Yes I'm biased! and I like him much more than H.) and H has already had a go at him for being a 'little s^&t' which he isn't, just because he wants to sleep late and play computer games. He just finished his exams a few days ago and wants to relax a bit which I think he's entitled to do but maybe I'm being a pushover?? I forgot the tension in the house when he's here, DS does not really try to appease H and he knows it-- yesterday H wanted DS to go out with him, DS was programming something on his computer and said he wasn't doing anything until he'd finished it, H went stomping out on his own and I think DS was quite hurt by that as he proudly showed me the thing he'd been doing when he finished it a few minutes after H left... H doesn't 'rate' what he does, DS is totally into programming and H always brings the conversation around to making money, because that's the only thing he has been 'successful' at, won't praise DS for anything unless it's money-making but DS contributes to open source things plus does a lot of interesting projects just for himself... and he earned £3k writing an app last summer for a start up company, which I think is pretty good going for a first year student, but all H talks about is how he's bleeding us dry. Excuse me?? He takes the maximum student loan and we haven't technically given him any money (except I paid his rent for him one month but H doesn't know that)!

Difficult times here... H using 'not feeling well' to behave awfully. Last night in front of DD (DS wouldn't come down for dinner so I said to start, thinking he'd come down, but he was too slow which pi$$ed H off) H went through a long list of my shortcomings- starting and ending with, that I don't work, and how I was sponging off of him, boring, a blancmange he said... I said that I was sorry for being so cr@p and I'd happily leave so as not to displease him further... DD suggested that we sell the house, I leave him and said that she'd be quite happy to move out with me into a nice, but smaller flat. To which H took offence, Now how f**ed up is THAT!!! for dinner conversation! Gah. Sorry once again so me-me-me but up to my eyeballs in FW-ery!!

my sentiments exactly fool - go getta life of your own instead of stalking ladies trying to get on with their lives, as they obviously don't want you anyway, so clear off and move on.

Glad to hear you are still plotting an exit thats; the kids completely know the score so its always a relief to know they have their own heads on straight! tick tick for boring, shortcomings, and the rest! One night he moaned at me for complaining about work (which was really really taking the piss, as I had to sit and listen keep my eyes open to him ranting nightly about how he was gonna kill his boss and rip his head off one day, and all my attempts to support or think about ways to do things differently, hmmm, well he'd just start the same rant the next night), so calling me boring for talking about a situation that had come up at work! Their heads are on back to front. Well done for getting the rant out leave soon! xxx

fool sorry to hear your FW isn't wasting away ! Just wondering whether he managed to 'reveal' himself to your pastor or whether he still managed to act the part. Surely there must be something that can be done if he is basically just sticking his fingers in his ears.

everyone a few weeks ago I had a scare that FW had found me here so namechanged. He basically did something that I had mentioned on here. However in hindsight I think that they are all so similar that they are going to appear to do things in response to what we talk about when in actual fact it was going to happen/be said anyway. I have however been a little more careful in posting specifics ie I haven't cut and pasted any of his emails or texts word for word so that they can be undeniably linked back to me.

Anyway back later

I'm like that they all act like that with holidays. The last weekend away that I organised (which was for my birthday) on the day we were supposed to leave - he changed his mind 3 times about whether he was coming or not. ds was crying and saying let's just go without dad. I blooming should have done.

H complained all the way there. Stormed out the first morning. Came back to play happy families for an hour and then when ds fell asleep told me he was going to divorce me and get custody of ds because I'm a crap mum. I was so upset. I didn't realise then that they all say the same stuff. I do wonder why I'm still here. I'm sitting trying to decide between looking for a solicitor or booking a holiday - no difference

Also totally agree with everyone who posted about them trying to get a specific response. h spent 2 days trying to get me to rise to his nonsense eventually I had pmt and did react. I was so disappointed in myself.

Off to do more of the freedom programme. I live with a King of the Castle, and a Persuader, and a Jailer and, lots of others I can't remember but did recognise. I must admit I'm wishing there was more about the alternatives. There's so much about men being FWs in the Freedom programme that I'm starting to think all men must be like that and that the nice smiley men at the end of each chapter are just pretend.

ah, the freedom programme will have to wait so I can drool over David Tennant for an hour

Tis that's good to know. I'm guessing if I knew more of them in real life I probably wouldn't have ended up in a bad relationship in the first place . . .

Hi Ladies,
I haven't been around for a while and no chance to catch up yet. FW moved out 2 weeks ago .
I had been holding off speaking with a soliciitor, mortgage people etc until my parents were back from a 2 month holiday as it is impossible to make an appointment with DD in tow. I have told my sisters who have been really supportive but tonight I have just got off the phone to my mum who has just said "Oh, so it going to be a divorce is it?" as in no one in this family gets divorced and then "well, you can't have another man in your life as it will be too upsetting for DD"
I asked if she would come and visit for a while so that I could make a solicitors appointment and she said that she would let me know when she has had a think about it
I just feel like I am back at square one, i.e. I think my mum actually thinks I should stay.
FW is begging me to give him a year to sort himself out and is also wanting to move back in. He has just called to say that his counsellor has told him that he will probably have another 6 sessions and then he will be "fixed" and that he wont regress. In fact his counsellor has said that she has only had one client regress and that was because they were an alcoholic!!
Feeling majorly messed up now.

same from here Lahti lack of support very disappointing... also know very well the untruths absolute bollox quoted from 'counsellors' own devious attacks

lahti congratulations on getting him to move out. Does it feel better (aside from all the FWittery)?

But I'm at your Mum. Telling my parents was the best thing ever (and they are staunch believers in marriage too) so I'm really that you're not getting the support you need and deserve. Does your Mum have issues? I just cannot imagine being disappointed in DD if she ever came to me in this situation. Disappointed for her that she's in the situation, yes, but not disappointed in her. Do you have a friend in RL that could be more supportive?

Am also more than a little sceptical of your H's counsellors promises of a 'cure' and can I have her secret please as I would love to 'cure' H and turn him into the man that I thought he was

Lahti yay that fw moved out how did you manage it?

Clearly a total lie re counsellor, as others have said, no counsellor would say that; that's a very fw male statement IYKWIM.

NB I am sick of being bloody cold! Nothing to do with fws, just bloody fwitted weather. Sorry for digression!

Fool your poor, poor fw, I feel SOOOOO sad that he's starving himself, hahahaha yeah right! Bingo cards at the ready!

OMG I've just discovered the joys of having an electric blanket on the sofa! Ahhhhhhh!

bounty the sad thing at the moment for me is that my FW is being all I ever wanted him to be (though obviously I know this would never last if I did give him another chance) but I have no love left for him, it has been wrung out of me completely and utterly. I really just don't want him any more, nice or nasty.

lahti so sad for you that your mother can't support you. Can you give yourself some time to deal with this? Even if it's what you half expected, I guess it's still a shock to you. If you were my daughter I would be so relieved that you were protecting yourself and moving on. What the counsellor 'said' is laughable. No. Way.

breathe, as ever your words could be mine , except I need to buy an electric blanket.

Bounty this is typical of her. I just feel like I was beginning to arrange my escape from 10 years of crap and now my mum has just said that I don't deserve to be happy because I have given up all my rights to that when I had my DD.
I do have a friend but she has only just given birth a week ago. I have a few friends at work as well who will listen.
Just feel crap.

kitty I think that is a good idea. I will wait a while before I do anything. I have a feeling my sisters will be more use.

lahti But her argument is totally flawed. If you stay because you have DD (presumbaly your Mum feels that your DD needs a stable 2 parent family?) then there is a really high chance of DD learning that an EA partner is normal and history repeating itself in her life. So if anything you need to leave more now that you have DD otherwise you are putting her future relationships at risk. Don't feel crap (easily said I know) but what you are doing is so strong and important for your DD as well as you.

That's exactly how I feel about my FW breathe. We are getting on fine at the moment, purely because I don't live with him anymore and don't have to be constantly got at.

Yes, just let the dust settle for a while. It takes time to learn who to trust and who will just (keep on) disappoint(ing). Glad your sisters will be more supportive. If you are invited to feel you are being selfish and have got things all wrong, that is just a bit too similar to the doubt engendered by the FW in the first place. Take some time and you will know your truth again soon x

Lahti - contrast this counsellor's alleged boast of 'curing' him with the abuser programme leaders mentioned in Lundy Bancroft's book who say that they are not the judges of his change - the partner/XP is the best judge of whether his change is real.

lahti, I agree entirely with bounty about setting an example to your DD re relationships. You are doing the right thing. I also think that people have this socially ingrained view that marriage is good and their natural reaction on hearing of marriage breakdown, whatever the cause, is to try and think if it can be salvaged. They want to save you hurt and pain, not realising that the hurt and pain comes from being in the marriage and not able to leave.

So, maybe your mum's comments come from the fact that she cannot conceive that you will be happier outwith marriage. It is hard for people with functioning marriages to realise that sometimes, because they would fear their marriage breaking up. That is presuming that your mum does not have any issues of her own. My mum is completely narcisstic, so I haven't even told her I left FW. But that is another issue. I have two good and close friends whose starting point when I told them was try to reconcile, though that is no longer their view. Other people I told (and I have not told many) 'got it' right away. It is hard, but you absolutely need to trust your own judgement and be strong.