Dating chat thread! Number 47

[lubeybooby]

Here we go again folks, all dating related chit chat here.

Lubey thank you!

Snape now all I have to do is have the guts to knock it on the head when I first know it's not right (well, try and see if it's fixable first) . . . That was the main problem here and I was too much of a chicken to do it.

Hmm, the mutual end point thing, well if that's the mark of good sex then I am a bit crap a lot of the time . . . There is nothing worse than feeling pressured to have an orgasm and some bloke firtling around trying to find something that he thinks will work. Sometimes I really just prefer not to - non-orgasmic sex is great too, well for me at least. There is so much more to sex than just a means to an end . . .

Bant I think it is such a shame though that she's going home soon. Is that for definite? I'm so pleased for you whatever happens that you've found someone you really click with in all these different ways. At the very least, it will give you good memories and a bit of a spring in your step

Oh if the bloke doesnt get it then I either show him or sort myself out ...usually manage the 'end point' 90% of the time and most blokes I have been with like the visuals...so suits the purpose. Doesn't make it AMAZING sex though agree...

I don't like sex without orgasms as much as I like sex with them.

For me, if it isn't happening then I'm perfectly happy to do it myself (which hopefully if they pay attention will give a little hint on how best to make it work for me)

If they don't have an orgasm I feel really... alarmed... not right... strange.

It's my favourite thing about sex I think... thinking about my partner having his moment can set off a mini orgasm type aftershock (or several) for me the next day... idly thinking about it in the Tesco queue or wherever!

It's OK as a one off, just now and then, if it doesn't happen down to being tired or having done it too much already... but if it's a result of too much porn use by the fella (had this admitted to me a few times) or of sexual dysfunction in general I do find it quite crushing (even though I don't show it)

Thankfully hasn't been a problem recently with anyone.

My absolutely perfect sex (with BC) involves multiples occasions shall we say, rather than one long one - each involving orgasm for both of us but more importantly him because it still feels completely amazing to me without my orgasm but I'm thrown if he doesn't get his.

Say, a couple of times in the evening, then in the middle of the night sex, then morning sex. Maybe one of those occasions involving a longer 'scene' with a bit/lot of kink thrown in. All very involved and sensual and intimate and tender but thoroughly passionate and dirty too... and yes please to a bit vocal (but not shouting the house down)

Lubey, similar. I need the end point (or several) for both of us.

Yes, you're all right about orgasms, it's not about that beiing the destination when it's good sex. I've realised I'm thinking back on crap sex whih is often a sign of bigger issues and ends up with not just sexual but general frustration.

Oh bollocks, found a photo of him on my PC (actually looking for profile photos ha). Wish I hadn't. And I've not deleted it either, might do if I catch myself wanting to go and look at it again.

Do you know what, I am a bit fed up of being on my own and crappy relationships, as are lots of us I know. I just want one nice proper man to be with, surely that's not too much to ask for? Just feeling a bit like there must be something wrong with me but I know that's bad thinking.

It definitely isn't you OWW - look back at that fab 12.30 post of yours.

You were doing your best to have an affectionate, open, honest, normal, healthy relationship. He railed against it and against it. it's entirely him with the problem. And we all have a shit relationship or two in the past.

It's all a learning curve and now you have even more information about yourself and what don't want, and what you're not looking for, and what will send you running for the hills in future. it's a good thing to have that experience behind you as long as it's learned from, which it clearly has been in your case.

You'll be fine... there's no hurry for a new man and you have some possibles for dates.

Now... go round your house, your PC, everything, and ditch every trace of him. It really helps so that nothing jumps out and emotionally mugs you like that pic!

If you really have to keep something on the PC, bury it in layers of folders and sub folders so you don't see it accidentally.

Problem is, I do feel like there's a hurry to find someone. I am really fed up of being on my own and don't want to go back to that. I'm quite happy though with a couple of nights in/out a week with someone so I'm not planning on rushing into anything serious too quickly, but I do want someone good in my life. It's well over two years since I split up with my ex, and that wasn't good for a long time either, so it's probably been about twelve years, before I had my daughter and things with my ex really went to shit, since I had someone proper, and that seems like a dreadfully long time to me.

I got rid of all the stuff at home yesterday - this one escaped me by cunningly being on my work computer! I think I will hide it so I actually have to look for it properly if I want to see it, but that means I'll have to see it again so I will leave it for a while and just not look.

I know exactly how you feel OWW. All I want is someone nice / good to go out with once or twice a week and have something positive with. The last guy I dated was over three years ago and it only lasted a couple of months - he was very toxic, mind-games etc so I walked away from it pretty quickly. It shouldn't be hard though, should it?
That aside, and like everyone else has already said, this is really about what you want, what is good for you and what makes you happy. It's not easy to go through the disappointment of having to accept that somebody isn't who you thought they were but it's best to face up to the fact that you're not getting what you need (like you've done) than to live suffering. It sounds melodramatic but it does become suffering, doesn't it?
I have a picture of a very hot guy that I had a crush on for ages hidden in a folder on my laptop for moments when I need some inspiration! I can't look at it too often though as everyone else starts to seem like second best

No, Stella, I don't see why it is so hard either. It never used to be back in the olden days . . . Actually, I am sure that there are decent men out there, I know there are - there are even a couple on here just to prove my point! - so it will happen sooner or later. Just hope it is sooner.

How are things with the lecturer btw?

OWW - yes, the departure of Buffy is definite - she'll be on holiday for a month from mid May, then settling on the East coast US in June. She earns hardly anything so she won't be able to afford to get over this way again for a while, and my job takes me over to where she'll be occasionally, but I think FWB is as far as it'll ever get to be honest.

I'm the same as you, to be honest. I want something at least semi-permanent, ideally maybe someone to come home to, talk about my day and hers, that kind of thing. Buffy and I seem to have got very serious very quickly, spent the last three nights together and maybe tonight too, but with that understanding that it's just like a long holiday romance, there is an end date to it, and I'm going to be travelling a fair bit anyway, plus back in England with my DC for a good portion of the next month. Maybe something like this is what I need after a depressing marriage/divorce and my first foray into 'seeing someone' who was the Artist.

I think that helped in terms of knowing what I don't want and putting my foot down. Buffy helps in terms of having fun with someone where we know there are limitations, so no Big Questions to be asked from either side, it is what it is, no more. We can be less guarded with each other because we feel less potentially vulnerable, maybe. We can only have 6 weeks together so lets just enjoy them without worrying about where this is going.

Actually Bant this could be your transition thing the same as it could be that LM was mine, someone to help us move on from a crap relationship towards something good and lasting.

If this thing with Buffy gives you some joie de vivre and a spring in your step then that is brilliant stuff and, like you say, because you know that there's a natural time limit on this, you're not held back by the normal hang-ups and worries about is this too far for date 3, will s/he still like me if I do x, y or z because ultimately it doesn't make any difference. I really hope that you both get what you want from it.

It's a bit like being a teenager again. Not in the sense that I feel full of energy or whatever, it's just that when I was younger I didn't worry about the future so much. None of the whittly stuff which affects all of us. We will either see each other for the next few weeks, or one of us or both will call it off, but it's not going to go beyond that apart from maybe me having somewhere to stay when I'm over near her after summer. But neither of us want a long distance relationship thing.

So it's more a case of hanging out with a friend who is also great in bed.

And the sofa, and the lift... :)

OWW - I am not sure...there's something not right and I really don't think I am overthinking this... us not having a 3rd date for 3 weeks seems odd considering the texts saying that he really wants to see me, can't wait etc. Then it's the second Sunday that he texts me with an update on their away game, I text back and then don't hear anything until the next evening. It's just not in sync with all other texting iyswim? Other than that, he was true to his word and got complimentary tickets for ds and I to go to a game. Not only that but as he only received them two days before the game, he delivered them himself while I was out with a lovely note. All other messages have been long, warm and rather lovely...
My theories:

1. he's busier than he's letting on, not just with two jobs but he's got two ds who live 3hrs from here, but doesn't want to admit it in case I decide that he's not boyfriend material (possible if I was looking for a full on relationship...);
2. he's dating other women but the fact that a lot of the pursuing took place in front of his peers and he's invited me to two events where colleagues were present means that I can perhaps rule this one out;
3. he's playing a very odd game of hard-to-get with frequent moments of weakness when I get a detailed account of his day, good banter and lots of really nice stuff.

Argh, it's a bit tiring tbh... Still, trying to look forward to date 3 and, with a bit of luck, the trip to the theatre on 3rd!

ps. given a choice, what I really want is to go out with 'Mr-cannot-have' as he's puuuurffect!!! Or maybe he's only perfect because I can't have him?

ps2. interested to hear about contact with his 2 ds...but then I am sure my exh paints himself as the male Mother Teresa!

Stella - I don't think you can rule #2 out. I know most of my colleagues wouldn't say anything to a girl I'd had a couple of dates with about all the other girls I was dating. Why should they? It's really none of their business. If I was married, that would be different, but these days if he's just 'dating' then he can bring different women to different events and no one would really bat an eyelid. My colleagues might gossip about what a tart I am amongst themselves afterwards, but none of them would tell my date I was seeing other women too.

That's not to say he's doing it, of course, just that you shouldn't assume he'd be embarrassed.

It does, however, sound the most likely option. Men don't generally play down how busy they are (I'll prepare for a flaming here) and playing hard to get sounds a bit unlikely.

In my experience, (some/most) men like to let you know how busy they are - busy = important/popular/good dad/not lazy equation going on somewhere in their minds, maybe? Whatever, busy is usually seen as a good thing - but it does sound like he has a lot going on with his work and family. Number two, well possibly and especially as you've only been out a couple of times so he might not be thinking of you as exclusive yet. Number three, no, that doesn't make sense.

Could he just be a bit tired and unchatty sometimes? I know I am.

I doubt he would be embarrassed about having a couple of women on the go in front of colleagues. Could be quite the opposite. Sorry Stella didn't mean to be flippant about this guy, it could be any reason he isn't as available as you would like him to be.

Hm...true, Bant. On on hand, it makes sense with the long time between date 2 and 3. Plus there's a pattern there as I've just realised that the next one is after a home game - it could be a coincidence but it's going to be the 3rd time that we go out after one of their games...a good excuse not to go out with whoever else he's seeing? Oh, I am starting to feel like a right idiot now. And there was me thinking what an effort he had made racing home after the game to get ready in record time!!!
On the other hand, it seems like a lot of 'putting himself out there' with other stuff and he's really not Mr Smooth - he was clearly nervous when he asked me out.
You know how it feels to me? That he's buying himself time...I just don't know why and maybe will never know!

With the busy element, he hasn't exactly played it down and he's voluntarily given me full break accounts of meetings all over the country, etc, fixtures, training, etc. I was thinking more in terms of whatever arrangements he's got to see his 2 ds...
Scrazy - I wish we had already had date 3 by now but other than that, I hardly know the guy so I am not too bothered about his availability. What I don't want though is to get sucked into some game-playing as that would make a dent on my self-esteem! My doubts come from self-preservation rather than expectations of him or whatever will come out of it, if that makes sense?

I'm not sure if this link will only work once, but I'm not going to use it.

3 days free at Match.com.

Oh, and it'd be nice to have sex again as it's been a very, very long dry spell - so please stop talking about your busy sex lives people!!! And to have a male adult to go away for the weekend with once in a while...I need a fwb!!!

Hi, good afternoon all.

Stella, he may be he slow in his approach, do you think he is worth the wait?

Very please for you Bant, sometimes it can be nice to just enjoy being with someone, spending time with them, without planning a future.

OWW glad you are okay. Have fun.

I am feeling tired now, all my excitement of the weekend has left me all tuckered out. I want a good meal, a warm bath, and a hot man. Two out of three will have to do.

Am avoiding POF and Match as I've been naughty and have drummed up interest when I haven't got the inclination to follow them up...Sleep.

I bet there will be about 20 pages to catch up on tomorrow.

Night all. x

I am off to Mr R&Rs tonight. I am expecting orgasms alround. Plus a shed load of laughter. Perfect