Dating chat thread! Number 47

[lubeybooby]

Here we go again folks, all dating related chit chat here.

Oh yes Juliette

Hi all, just checking in...
OWW sending you hugs and a huge well done for taking steps towards moving on with your life! Sometimes it's so much easier to settle for the the crumbs...!

Bant it's great to see you having a good time. Not asking for specifics about Buffy but what makes a woman great in bed from either yours or your mates perspectives? Often wondered as it has to be slightly different from a women's perspective and of course asking a current lover could be a potential minefield

Sorry, that didn't come out right at all! I meant that it may seem so much easier to 'settle' but then you find yourself having to deal with all the angst, disappointment, etc that it creates...

I shall be a voice of caution here OWW I have rebounded spectacularly from relationships, behaved without due caution, not had adequate wound-licking time before a relaunch onto the male populace and have tended towards lower-standards on the basis of revenge-shags. Not saying that you would be as daft as me with regard to any of that, but do look after yourself and pencil in some 'you-time' you don't have to swing straight back into the saddle. personally, I like a little bit of a period of introspection when things go tits-up.

I would also prepare plan for him contacting you again, because I think he will. what might be your response? have a wee head-stroll through scenarios

bant lovely weekend! :)

juliette surely everyone's perspectives will be different? that's the beauty of human sexuality ...although for my tuppence worth, I think the common denominator has tended towards a preference towards an appreciation of the visual.

Come on Bant Baby. Spill...

Juliette - I think generally it's a combination of fancying each other a lot, having a similar level of prudishness or debauchery, or maybe just being a little bit more exotic than you, pushing your boundaries just a little bit without being weird and bringing sheep into the bedroom, you know. Wanting to try new positions, instinctively knowing what buttons to press, not being afraid to make a bit of noise but equally not shouting the roof down and bursting eardrums. And it's meant to be funny, not too serious, squelchy noises are amusing, not embarrassing.

There is an old rickety lift in my apartment building. The other night when we got in at 2 in the morning, she turned round to me and grinned and said 'is there a Stop button in this thing?'.

I'd never done it in a lift before. It was interesting. Springy.

Also, she told me she'd never had a single continuous peak lasting for 3 minutes before. She was quite happy with that, so it seems it's mutual.

Thank you Stella and Sue and everyone who has delurked to offer me support and advice, as well as you trusty thread stalwarts! I really want to say how much it is helping me with what isn't the easiest of times (although not the most difficult either).

Actually, I am amazed how well I am coping with this. I think the thing is, and this relates to what Snape said as well, is that I did so much stressing and worrying and crying about him whilst we were together that there's not that much left to do now. Because I went through all the "He doesn't love me really" stuff over the last two months or so, I've done that and I think I'd accepted that inside myself and was just kidding myself for a while because I didn't want things to end. Yes, I'm sad about it, but it doesn't feel disastrous, like I thought it would. I'm not totally callous, I am upset about it ending, but I know I'll be fine.

Things I've learned:

Not to be taken in by nice words when there are no actions to back them up

To say what I want from a relationship without being scared

That I can still do sex! And have fun! Hurray!

That the problem with being emotionally open wasn't actually with me, and that I can feel and express my emotions pretty well

That it's no good doing the crumbs thing and I won't do it ever again

That if I feel anxious about a relationship, it could be a sign that something is wrong instead of me just being an anxious person

So, I think that is pretty good going.

I am so not going to go out and shag anyone! Well not as a ONS kind of thing, hopefully as part of a relationship at some point. A bit of snogging in the car park is going to be as far as it goes, honest.

I don't think he will pop back up - a few people have said they think he might though so I will have to think about things. That's the problem with deleting his number, I won't know it's him, will I, and could well pick up the phone or read the text.

Juliette interesting question and looking forward to the replies! I think it's self-confidence . . .

Snape I would expect everyone to be different in their idea of 'great' but putting one aspect bluntly, most men will orgasm most times even if a woman doesn't get involved very much. Not 'great' though.

By contrast, most women wouldn't, it would depend on their own physiology and to a greater degree the skill and sensuality of their partner. So I'm thinking that for some women, actually having an orgasm could be 'great'.

I'm wondering how things like enthusiasm, responsiveness, visual aspects, confidence, sex 'skills', open mindedness etc stack up. Sadly I think some young girls are picking up the idea that if they can give a good bj and do anal then that will make them 'great' in bed when it far more complex than that

OWW - it's fantastic to hear how well you're dealing with it. It's true, you spent so much time worrying about it that a lot of us were wondering if the high points really did outweigh the low points, and surely you should be happy even when not with him, rather than worrying about it all the time, and then worrying about how much you're worrying, IYSWIM.

You gave him lots of opportunities to step up, man up (sorry I know some people hate that expression but it seems appropriate) and actually DO what you were reasonably asking for rather than just say 'yeah yeah yeah' and not deliver.

And I think your ability to think about why this is good for you, that you're worth far more than someones crumbs, speaks volumes for your strength as a person.

You kind of rock. :)

OWW, snogging in a car park is a great Idea. I cannot do sex for sex sake anymore and couldn't do a ONS knowingly nowadays. That's not to say I haven't in the past but reckon I've outgrown it [fingers crossed].

Bant, thanks for that, it was the answer I was expecting .

Bant crossed posts with you.

So with men it is also about their own 'prowess' too, which I can understand as there is more skill/thought/sensuality involved with a woman's orgasm. The being on the same page about general debauchery and approach is a definite when I think about it (both for me and the men I've known).

PS I know those lifts, I have only jumped up and down in them unfortunately so kudos to Buffy

Juliette As a mother of a teenage daughter, it does worry that there are expectations to perform certain acts to appear 'hot'. I have had the conversation with her about only doing what you are happy with. Never being pressured into anything. Luckily for me she is a very strong young woman.

In a club a few months ago, I was in the loo listening to some girls chatting about pressure to do anal.

I came out and said 'Girls I have got to 48 without anal. If you don't want go there. Sit on it'.

Not that it's just about orgasms much.

Yep, don't men love it when they manage to get it right. Never feed their ego by faking it. I hate lifts, have a fear of being stuck, so hats off to buffy

48 yes it worries me too that a lot of women thing they should 'perform' too, it's all getting a bit make like a porn star, do a dance for him, a few tricks, have a perfect body.

It's so sad that to see so many women on the Relationship threads who on discovering their DP has been watching a lot of porn are more upset about the idea that he is looking at 'perfect' bodies and saying they can't compete with that after DC or whatever rather than the other issues to do with porn addiction.

I've never, ever faked it and no, by the reactions of a few men that a lot of women must have done . Ironically, I think some women think this will make them 'great' in bed.

know ffs

I honestly don't know how it is possible to fake it

The vast majority of men watching porn dont have perfect porn star bodies either...infact most of the porn I see makes me think no way would he be able to pull her in real life.

It's all designed to extract ££ from men by flattering them.

We need more erotic material designed to appeal to women, I find it very hard to find any porn that doesnt make me cringe

Juliette - I've had to fake it before. If I didn't, my GF would have been miffed.

The 'prowess' thing is an ego-boost, yes. But also it's about wanting things to be mutual. For me, if sex isn't fun for the other person then it's really not much fun for me either, and that includes both reaching the same end-points.

That's why it's so much better when you seem to both know the right buttons to push, what the other person likes, without being told - it makes it fun for both to make the other person feel good, panders both egos and it's very much a mutual thing rather than just scratching an itch.

OWW, you've got it all absolutely spot on there with your list and 12.30 post. I am in awe, 100% correct on all counts.

Love, your number one fan and cheerleader X

PS, I am preparing my cheerleading outfit and the fan club merchandise should anyone wish to join me :o

OWW i think that says a lot about the quality of the relationship actually, that you mentally moved on a good while ago, so while this is difficult, it isn't as traumatic as it might have been had it been completely unexpected.

the list of things you have learned is great, isn't it! :) and high-five for car-park snogging! yay!

juliette absolutely agree about general pornification and the expectation that women will do x, y and z in order to be 'liked' or thought of as attractive. very worrying developments.

slight disagreements about 'end points' having to be mutual - I've had sex where one person came and the other didn't. That doesn't mean the other party isn't attractive enough or doing 'it' wrong...and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with the non-orgasming person...i still maintain it's not really all about orgasms, because then it gets a bit competitive or formulaic. it's still fun without an orgasm.

Bant yes 'prowess' as in the enjoyment of the other person, not just 'getting her off'.

There is nothing worse than a man on a mission pressing the buttons he knows works with all women if only she'd just RELAX. The last man I had sex with actually said after I'd "I don't know why all women do that, it can't make it any better for them to be in that position" er yes it does for me and I suspect most of the other women he had sex with.

Snape - absolutely it is, I agree.

The point was it's meant to be fun, funny, orgasms are great but not always needed (although if they happen that's just concentrated fun :) ) but the journey is more important than the destination.