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Original poster

Don't understand what this means, is it a brush off?

184 replies

peppasnemesis · 20/03/2013 17:07

Sorry, it's really not an important issue, but I've been chatting to this guy (we work at the same company, but he's in a different dep't to me with different shifts, so we only see each other occasionally).

We've recently started talking on a social networking site, but he has a partner that lives in the US (long term relationship).He was upfront about saying that he thought I was attractive or whatever, liked talking to me but he has a partner, said this at the very beginning so I knew where I stood.

I'm now going to be leaving the company and this man has said that if he was single, he would have at least liked to go for a drink with me but has said he's still happy to chat to me.

Now, as he was talking past tense, what does this mean? Is this his way of somehow dropping me? I never thought it could be anything more than just friends, but I'm now sure why he said the "if I was single" thing, it feels like a bit of a brush off somehow - like he thought I was coming on to him or something!

How do I talk to him now...it suddenly feels all awkward, lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
peppasnemesis · 23/03/2013 09:04

Ok. Can something that happened to you as a child cause you to act the way I am? I don't feel like I'm accepting behaviour just to...whatever it is you all said I'm doing, and I don't feel like the childhood stuff has affected me (I'm not a quivering wreck etc) but...could it have?

I KNOW what my ex is doing, and deep down I've been thinking that he's an older man with some younger girl who he thinks is coming onto him, very naive and probably a bit dim (in his mind) so he'll get some while he can.
But there was/is just that bit of me hoping that it wasn't the case.

OP posts:
nkf · 23/03/2013 09:08

Well, Freud thought so. And the entire therapy/counselling edifice is built on that premise. I think so too for what it's worth.

I think if you have no or weak boundaries, you need rules and guidelines. And one would be you don't have intimate conversations (girlfriends, desires,wants,needs) with a colleague. Another might be you don't talk with men at length via text/FB.

nkf · 23/03/2013 09:09

If you just stopped long texts, this would change. As simple as that. Talk to him at work about work.

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 23/03/2013 09:12

True. But then he'll stop talking to me, won't he.

Same as if I stop the ex thing; he'll disappear off the face of the earth.

I think it's those issues I need to work on. Otherwise I'm never going to find people who are actually worth my time (as friends, or otherwise). Assuming those 'decent' people actually exist; because I haven't met any - ever!

OP posts:
nkf · 23/03/2013 09:13

If he stops talking to you, that would be the best thing for you. So go for it, I say.

Squeegle · 23/03/2013 09:13

I am certain that what happened to us in our childhood hard wires in our brains and causes patterns which are hard but not impossible to break. First step: to understand the patterns
Second step: to work out how you'd like it to be
Third step; to be really self disciplined and stick to self imposed rules
I'm not finding it easy- but it is working, and helping!

Squeegle · 23/03/2013 09:15

And yes- agree, if he stops talking to you, what's the worst that can happen? You'll be freed from this awful obsession - after all it's not making you happy is it?

ThingummyBob · 23/03/2013 09:15

But you don't have to cut him out of your life if he is a colleaugue.

Just stop engaging in anything other than work related converstaions at work.

I'll be blunt here and say that you are emotionally immature. Also needy as surely everyone you meet in life is not a potential friend Confused

He is trying it on with you, whilst making it clear that he is not able to commit to any sort of official relationship. The faraway gf gives him plenty of room to not commit, I woud say that for the 'right' woman for him (as he perceives) the faraway gf would simply disappear.

He is looking for a leg over and see's you as nothing more than that.

nkf · 23/03/2013 09:16

The ex thing I've missed on this thread. But I would say:

  • if you have no kids, then you don't need to talk to him.
  • if you have kids, you need to have a formal arrangement about access and maitenance. And talk to him only about the children.
Original poster
peppasnemesis · 23/03/2013 09:25

nkf - I know. It's me being stupid; he's not interested in the children, not one bit. And me writing letters via a solicitor will be met with unresponse...I 'know' he's not bothered about them, but sort of knowing it officially will be hard to take.

ThingummyBob - didn't mean it quite like that, it's just I do like his personality, we share interests and he's interesting to talk to, intelligent etc. The sort of person you could go for a drink with and not worry about a lull in conversation (whereas a lot of people in my life, female friends included; just want to go out, get plastered and find some random person to sleep with).

He just seemed a bit different.

He does have female friends though; his son used to work with my ex years ago and I know him and his son go walking their dogs with some female friends of theirs (not all at once, lol). He can't have tried it on with all of them otherwise they wouldnt stay friends with him?

So...seeing as I'm seeming emotionally mature - is this obvious to people in RL; like a sign written across my forehead saying "mug"?

OP posts:
MysteriousHamster · 23/03/2013 09:34

Just stop texting him. His weird vague messages mean that you are not a friend. You're not talking about anything concrete like work or tv or shared interests. You're just talking about feelingyweeliing-attracty stuff that will eventually lead to meeting up and sex.

If he ends up on your doorstep I suspect you will have a hard time saying no to sex and you will regret it the next day. Or he will make you go further than you want :/

Please just end it. You can still talk to him at work about work. It doesn't have to be acrimonious. Just stop with the late night texting or messaging.

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 23/03/2013 09:39

There's been the odd bit of shared interests/work stuff.

In fact, his opening message to me yesterday was "how did you find it today with the children being home from school all day" (snow) Hmm

But I take your point.

OP posts:
Schnarkle · 23/03/2013 09:49

You dont actually sleep with your ex so that he will maintain contact with the children do you? I hope I've misread this.

The texts confirm even more an oh woe is me I am torn that I want you but I have someone but I want you and on and on and on from your work colleague.

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 23/03/2013 09:55

No, well I did up until fairly recently because he'd do the "I don't want to be with the woman I'm living with; we're not in a relationship, I pay rent to her...I want to live with you and will move in next week" thing, I'd phone to ask if he was planning on seeing the children and he'd say he'd be round the following morning (while children were at school), but recently I've stopped that because I finally realised he's never going to be with me; and as he was violent/controlling etc anyway, I wouldn't want the children to look up to him, anyway.

I do sort of feel like I'm hanging on this guy to distract myself from communicating with my ex...it's partly that and partly that I do like him. Not in a 'I want to be with him' way but I don't know, there's something 'different' about him, that I noticed the first time I met him; he interests me, that's all.

I'm also sort of curious as to why he's staying in that long distance relationship if he wants to sleep around at home; tempted to ask but I suppose that's none of my business.

OP posts:
ThingummyBob · 23/03/2013 10:00

Shared interest is not him asking about kids and snow days OP Confused

If he had wanted you as a dog walking buddy that would have been suggested almost immediately you engaged with him at work I'd have thought.

You are analysing conversations which are so bleedin' obviously 'off' and its worrying that you don't seem to see the inappropriateness of it all.

YY to links with things which have happened to you before (relationship with ex/childhood things)

You should cut all contact except at work and then seek some counselling for your own underlying self esteem issues.

You can resolve all this and you will feel better/stronger for it.

Schnarkle · 23/03/2013 10:00

He's probaly actually married to her and have 5 kids and a pretty good set up at home. How well do you actually know his background? Who's to say but him that he hasn't seen her for the last 6 months and won't again for another 6?

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 23/03/2013 10:05

He doesn't wear a ring at work?

Other than that...no you're right I don't know him much at all.

However, I did look at a couple of photos on his son's facebook profile and there seems to be photos of him looking 'coupley' (arms round and holding hands) with about 3 different women since 2006 - not sure if that's a bad ratio of women per year or not. That doesnt include the one he's said he's with now as he actually has put a pic of them both on his profile now (after I'd mentioned it was weird, now he's done it).

OP posts:
ArteggsMonkey · 23/03/2013 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoalDustWoman · 23/03/2013 10:10

Are you going to stop the charade of the friends thing? Because it's not true, is it? You wouldn't be doing any of this shit if he were a woman.

Counselling sounds like a great idea.

ThingummyBob · 23/03/2013 10:11

Oh dear Op, 'he doesn't wear a ring at work' really shows your naivety sorry.

He may or may not be married. He may or may not have a long distance gf. He may or may not be a lovely chap. he may or may not be a great platonic friend.

Its all irrelevent.

as, I guess, is the advice you receive here

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 23/03/2013 10:12

But in my mind, all I wanted was friendship. That's what I meant.

I'm very happy being single.

Anyway, yes I'll look into counselling or...something.

OP posts:
CoalDustWoman · 23/03/2013 10:14

But would you write texts like that to a female friend? What would your reaction be if a female friend texted you in the way he has?

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 23/03/2013 10:16

Well they wouldnt, would they.

It's just because he kept saying he didn't know what he wanted, so i thought maybe he'd realise after a bit that what he wanted was someone to talk to.

OP posts:
CoalDustWoman · 23/03/2013 10:24

Really, check out a therapist. The bacp website has a list of ones local to you.

ArteggsMonkey · 23/03/2013 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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