Don't understand what this means, is it a brush off?

[peppasnemesis]

Sorry, it's really not an important issue, but I've been chatting to this guy (we work at the same company, but he's in a different dep't to me with different shifts, so we only see each other occasionally).

We've recently started talking on a social networking site, but he has a partner that lives in the US (long term relationship).He was upfront about saying that he thought I was attractive or whatever, liked talking to me but he has a partner, said this at the very beginning so I knew where I stood.

I'm now going to be leaving the company and this man has said that if he was single, he would have at least liked to go for a drink with me but has said he's still happy to chat to me.

Now, as he was talking past tense, what does this mean? Is this his way of somehow dropping me? I never thought it could be anything more than just friends, but I'm now sure why he said the "if I was single" thing, it feels like a bit of a brush off somehow - like he thought I was coming on to him or something!

How do I talk to him now...it suddenly feels all awkward, lol.

[peppasnemesis]

Just thought if I asked him straight out what he wanted from me, he'd know I'd been thinking about it and I didn't want to boost his ego even further.

Not if he's just some chancer that chats everyone up.

Although...seeing as he said I'm "uncharted territory" (which no, I didn't believe when he said it!) then whoever said it is probably right and I would just get a load of vague crap back.

I just hate cutting people out if they haven't done anything wrong (as in, havent hurt me or whatever), never been any good at it.

[peppasnemesis]

Eggy - cos I only ever get men like this talking to me. Literally, not one decent one. Even the one I did think was decent, that I've known for 10 years...told me the other week during a normal chatty conversation that he was horny and then that made me feel really awkward and it's ruined things between us.

[allaflutter]

I see the other posters' popint, but it's better than a man who keeps quiet about his GF, that's a notch sleazier! Bear in mind that some women WOULD shag an attached man, especially if GF is far away, purely as she is at a loose end, so I'm sure he had those before and is seeing what OP is like. But if she doesn't go there, then she can test his feelings or lack of towards her.

[EggyFucker]

Only sleazebags ever "talk" to you ?

What mediums do you use to "talk" to men ?

[allaflutter]

I can't see how this would boost his ego - he was chatting you up, and even if you didn't fancy him, you'd ask what he's driving at! You don't have to ask, I thought you wanted to be sure yourself - if you liked him. You can just breezily leave it as 'well see you around sometime' - tat's not cutting him off, then if he insists and asks you out, just explain that you don't date attached people, you can only be friends. I think direct talking forces chancers to stop playing around. If he's not a chancer but really likes you, it's up to him to change his situation.

[peppasnemesis]

True allaflutter.

Eggy - my ex was/is a controlling, manipulative, violent dick...before and since, then only men I meet are ones on the school run (single dads, not the married ones!), the ones like the friend I've known for 10 years (since we were both 'witches' in our teens, lol...and then ones at work.

I don't go out looking for men, don't flirt with them deliberately, but I do wonder whether what I see as a chatty/warm and friendly personality might come across as 'flirty' - but I never talk about anything sexual or double entendre stuff with these men, it's only ever random chatter.

I only ever seem to 'attract' older men, too; my ex was 20 years older than me and the older ones do tend to be drawn to me more than the younger ones.

I by no means get a lot of attention...and tbh I assume this 'attention' I get from the men I do get it from, must be because I'm sort of average looking (girl next door type), slim and a single mum so maybe they assume I'm easy game or something.

I must be doing something wrong.

[Helltotheno]

OP did you ever have counselling?

[peppasnemesis]

Oh god, knew I'd get psycho-analysed if I mentioned that.

No, I didn't.

[allaflutter]

OP, 'flirty' isn't really just friendly chat, it's all about the eye contact, smiling, body language even is subtle - that shows you fancy them. Maybe older men are different as they often like very approachable girl-next-door manner, they'd be too insecure with a very sexy woman if she's 15-20 yrs younger.
Also, do you chat to younger men, or is it the fact that you feel more relaxed with older ones, so not giving younger ones a chance?
It comes across that men see you as a soft touch. This friend of 10yrs was really out of order telling you he was horny! You need to be more assertive with this kind of behaviour and just say something like 'I don't want to know', 'I'd rather you kept this to yourself, thanks' in a non-smiley way.

[LeucanTheMopsis]

Right, well, potential bollocks alert here...

... but as someone who ended up in two violent relationships in a row, two things I've identified about my own behaviour that ring a bell from what you're saying are:

1. I don't get a lot of attention. Probably. I don't know because I keep my head down these days.
   
   
2. Which means the attention I do notice is the really pushy sort. Which tends to be from, ta-daa, you guessed it, the pushy sort.
   
   And I'm not great at dealing with 2) because I now have a lot of ingrained eager-to-please mannerisms around people who are larger than me. Which trust me, I'm eradicating as fast as I can spot them!
   
   Ring any bells? Or off the mark?

[Helltotheno]

Well you should to delve into what you're attracting. I think you've been very disingenuous on this thread with the whole 'innocent little me' thing. You knew exactly what was going on with this guy.
You also really like getting compliments about the way you look etc, they make you feel good about yourself and you see them as flattering: you need to raise your standards and explore why that sort of flatter is thye be all and end all to you.
Again, a little bit disingenuous to play the whole 'Oh I'm just chatty and friendly me' card when you know well the times you're flirting and the times you're not.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, I just don't feel you're coming across that genuine about this. Nobody's perfect though. People have gone to counselling for less.

[peppasnemesis]

Well I mean, I'm 30 so not exactly a child. Although I know, I seem younger from what I've said on here.

I don't really come across many men my own age - I don't go out all that often apart from with a few 'mum friends' every few weeks, but then we're not looking for men to talk to anyway.

That's what I meant; I'm just being friendly, but I must be coming across in a flirty way; maybe I subconsciously bat my eyelashes or something, I don't know.

I'm happily single anyway and have said this to this guy, he said good on me but then thinking about it he did log off facebook pretty quick after that...although, he text a bit later on and we had another bit of a conversation.

And the friend of 10yrs...it was on the phone he said it and I hung up on him :/

[allaflutter]

so what was that last bit of conversation - how did you end it after all?

[peppasnemesis]

Leucan...sort of . Not sure whether you meant literally keeping your head down, or in a metaphorical way, but I literally do it. Try to be more confident nowadays, but if a van beeps when they drive past me I do tend to assume they're taking the piss - whereas maybe more confident women might lap up anything like that (or maybe not, I don't know cos I'm not one).

I swear to god this isn't boasting, just me being genuine in the hope someone can identify something I'm doing wrong; something that I've been missing so far... but in the past 12 months there's been aforementioned manipulative ex trying to mess me around (we split up ages back but he's still trying his headfuck thing every now and again), some guy on a forum like this got chatting to me then scared the b'jaysus out of me after 3 weeks by saying he loved me, a couple of weeks after that I had to stay in a b+b (long story) and the guy in the room next door started with the 'I fancy you' crap, then my friend of 10yrs sort of hinted that back when he liked me (he told me he did a couple of years ago), if I'd gone for it we'd have been good together and then proceeded to tell me he was horny, erm, oh - a 'facebook friend' I worked with about 6 years ago told me a few months ago that he had liked me quite a lot when we worked together and said we should go for a drink when he's back up here (he lives down South now) - but then started talking as though he wanted a no strings sex thing...a single dad at the school started getting a bit too friendly (I'd chat to him in the playground, gave him my number when he asked but that was because I didn't feel I could say no, then he asked me out and I've been avoiding him ever since) - then there's the one I mentioned in this thread.

No idea if that's a normal level of male 'attention' - and sorry that last paragraph was just a jumble of words and no formatting, but I have a toddler on my lap! - but I feel like maybe I'm somehow coming across (subconsiously or whatever) as...like I said, easy target, desperate, needy, or something?

Even though I don't go out looking for men, chatting them up or anything like that!

[peppasnemesis]

erm, didn't really come to a conclusion...he asked what I was up to, I said nothing much, random chat like that I think, ooh hang on...he did say something about me messaging him again sometime and I said I was going to leave the contact to him, so it doesnt seem like I'm chasing him or something, he made a joke (I assume) about it being a pleasant change from him being the one doing the chasing (!) then...he said something about his age/my ex and asked if it's made me wary of older men and when I replied that I didn't know what his intentions were and neither did he seem to - so why should I be wary, I think goodnight was said fairly soon afterwards.

[peppasnemesis]

Oh nvm...think we've got our answer.

He text me half an hour ago (just found text) and it says:

"Hey, you haven't annoyed...I mean contacted me once today! Have you gone off me already? lol."

Bit of a piss take

[EggyFucker]

He's been taking the piss all the way through. This is what you have failed to see. You got your head turned by the flattery. Try and boost your self esteem in other ways than lapping up dubious attention from men.

[peppasnemesis]

I suspected it, was just sort of hoping he might have actually been genuine. Btw I did reply to his text saying I'd never said I was 'on' him, so I'm not a total sap.

[LeucanTheMopsis]

From what you've said, and I'm sure it's nowhere near the whole truth, you do sound friendly where you shouldn't be, ifysim. Not flirty, just friendly, eager to be friends, to the point of accepting comments you should really be raising a very firm and obvious eyebrow to.

As flutter said, if someone says something you don't welcome, say so. Don't carry on being friendly and then agonise about what they may or may not have meant afterwards. Because 'friendly' says 'carry right on pushing because you haven't made me frown yet...'

[UnEggspectedItemInBonnetArea]

You can do better Peppa

[peppasnemesis]

Yes, I think that does stem from my ex to be honest Leucan - if I said anything out of line, there would be consequences...and he still tries it; wants me to sleep with him and if I don't, he doesn't see the children - he's not that obvious about it, is clever with his words but it still adds up to the same thing.

This guy is still texting...dont suppose that means he's any more genuine? Just checking ;)

[LeucanTheMopsis]

No, it means he thinks he's found himself a mug. Fortunately, you're not.

I may well be wrong, but it appears to me that after a rough time you're so pleased someone is saying nice things to you, you're wilfully shutting your eyes to the unpleasantness behind it. And you KNOW how that would work out...

Like I said, forget the words he's saying, look at what he's doing. Doesn't it make you shudder, after what you've gone through?

[peppasnemesis]

... yes. Ok, point taken. And yes, I was wilfully ignoring it.

[LeucanTheMopsis]

Yeah, well, there's knowing it and knowing it . Good for you, honestly - your self-esteem boost should come from thinking you are worth keeping your distance from this man, not that he offered you bilge.

[peppasnemesis]

Thanks Leucan (and everyone else) :)