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Original poster

Don't understand what this means, is it a brush off?

184 replies

peppasnemesis · 20/03/2013 17:07

Sorry, it's really not an important issue, but I've been chatting to this guy (we work at the same company, but he's in a different dep't to me with different shifts, so we only see each other occasionally).

We've recently started talking on a social networking site, but he has a partner that lives in the US (long term relationship).He was upfront about saying that he thought I was attractive or whatever, liked talking to me but he has a partner, said this at the very beginning so I knew where I stood.

I'm now going to be leaving the company and this man has said that if he was single, he would have at least liked to go for a drink with me but has said he's still happy to chat to me.

Now, as he was talking past tense, what does this mean? Is this his way of somehow dropping me? I never thought it could be anything more than just friends, but I'm now sure why he said the "if I was single" thing, it feels like a bit of a brush off somehow - like he thought I was coming on to him or something!

How do I talk to him now...it suddenly feels all awkward, lol.

OP posts:
plantsitter · 21/03/2013 17:02

God I dunno, but stop trying to figure out what he means if he's not prepared to be clear about it.

If you like him, send him a message saying something like 'If you want to go out for a drink, great, but only if you're single. Make your mind up. Otherwise, let's just keep things simple and leave it.'

Since you don't have to see him again in RL by the sound of it, you don't even need to worry about his response.

(for what it's worth, he sounds like a knob. But maybe you are not giving clear signals about how you feel and he is too chicken to find out in a normal way, by becoming single and asking you).

LeucanTheMopsis · 21/03/2013 17:05

He's telling you very clearly that the position is taken. But if you want, you can volunteer to be something a bit more... convenient. An exceedingly fast way to make yourself feel like undervalued rubbish.

dontyouwantmebaby · 21/03/2013 17:06

what Helltotheno said. Exactly that.

Sorry if this isn't the case OP but its coming across from your posts that you do fancy him. I don't get why you looked him up on facebook to message him a thank you when you could have seen him in person.

I'd be v.uncomfortable if my male friends admitted that they fancied me and couldn't enjoy their company anymore. I'd delete him from facebook and forget about the 'friendship' if it was me.

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 21/03/2013 17:08

I'd flirt with him (but just mildly, not sex talk or anything!) and go for a drink with him whilst he was attached.

I WOULDN'T kiss him, sleep with him or anything along those lines, while he is attached.

If he was single, probably the same to be honest.

He is being quite vague; thinking about our last conversation it was very much a mix of "I fancy you but shouldn't" and "I liked you the first time I saw you" and then some vague crap about maybe we should meet up, maybe we should either stop or see where it takes us...so thinking about it from the outside it probably is just a sleazy guy testing the water.

:(

OP posts:
Original poster
peppasnemesis · 21/03/2013 17:09

dontyouwantmebaby

Only because it's every few weeks that we actually see each other in work - as I said, we work in different departments and a lot of the time he's in the branch in another town anyway. That's the only reason.

OP posts:
LeucanTheMopsis · 21/03/2013 17:13

Words, words, words, words, words. Some people are full of them. It, I mean.

'See where it takes us'? The whole point of being in a relationship is that you don't go seeing how far you can get with other people. He's morally dubious and that doesn't mean 'with everyone except you'.

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 21/03/2013 17:15

Ok - here's the first few messages that were sent (first one is in response to me messaging saying thanks for making the effort to say hi in work when things were a bit stressful:

HIM: "Hey, sorry but I've only just found your message on facebook. It's definitely no hardship saying hello to you..... I think that you are lovely. I did look you up on facebook but wasn't sure if I should contact you.... It was a very pleasant surprise to find your message."

ME: "Thanks, I wasn't expecting a reply anyway (I guessed you probably don't get on facebook much) and to be honest was really worried I'd have overstepped the mark contacting you. So thanks for such a lovely reply."

HIM: "No worries girl. It is difficult for both of us. I liked you the first time I saw you and our brief chats did nothing to put me off lol. I am in a relationship although she lives in the USA (long story.. but I was at school with her). I haven't seen her since October and it's likely to be September before I get to see her again, so it's a bit strange. How about you? What's your situation? What are you up to? I did see and like the picture of you, that you have since taken down, can't think why lol" (I did have my profile pic as myself - head and shoulders, nothing dodgy! but replaced it with one of my children a while back)

So - very boring, sorry about that, but I don't think I came across as though I was somehow chatting him up, honestly from those messages what would you initially think his intentions are? Because at the time, I thought he genuinely just wanted friendship.

OP posts:
LeucanTheMopsis · 21/03/2013 17:19

"It is difficult for both of us"

Confused

What? Is he already trying to create an atmosphere of you and him, clandestine against the world?

Oh, this whole thing is just nasty. Drop him, honestly. It's a mindfuck.

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 21/03/2013 17:20

Wow, Leucan (and others) I must be really braindead then to not see what you are seeing...

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 21/03/2013 17:21

You sound very naive, op

Helltotheno · 21/03/2013 17:24

So far, so cliche. Sure you didn't borrow this from some dodgy teen flick OP?

'It's complicated' yada yada ZZzzzz

LeucanTheMopsis · 21/03/2013 17:24

Sorry Blush, don't mean to be harsh.

It just reads to me as though he's pulling the whole romantic, if-only-it-could-be-you words bollocks, when what he's actually doing is cheating on his girlfriend by having wistful romantic conversations with another woman. I do think that's nasty, and I don't think you want to get drawn into anything with someone who does that.

Helltotheno · 21/03/2013 17:26

Wooa, wait..... this couldn't all just be an elaborate front for a stealth boast OP, could it???

dontyouwantmebaby · 21/03/2013 17:28

"I am in a relationship although she lives in the USA (long story.. but I was at school with her). I haven't seen her since October and it's likely to be September before I get to see her again, so it's a bit strange. How about you? What's your situation?"

oh Peppa please give this bloke a wide berth, you can do better than him. He sounds like an utter creep. Imagine if the situation were reversed, would you not find it weird to speak about the person you were in a relationship with like that? How odd that he admits its "a bit strange". What he means is " its complicated" & if he can get a no-strings shag in the meantime, all well and good. He doesn't want a g/f at all.

wrongsideoftheroad · 21/03/2013 17:32

What he's basically saying here is:

"I would like to shag you. I've told you upfront that I'm not available to commit. Therefore, I will happily use you for sex without offering you any kind of commitment. And if you have a problem with that I will simply point out that you knew what was on offer before you took it."

Yeah, he sounds like a real catch.

I'd delete him tbh.

catwithflowers · 21/03/2013 17:36

I think you are putting a lot of thought and energy into this given that you say you are not interested in a relationship with him Hmm

He doesn't sound much of a catch from what you have said here.

wrongsideoftheroad · 21/03/2013 17:39

TBH, I think what you've said about how you're not flirty and don't send out signals or whatever is contradicted by your actions.

Someone was friendly to you at work so you searched for them on facebook and sent them a chatty message? But you don't think that's flirty?

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 21/03/2013 17:56

Honest answer? No. Because I genuinely just said in cae I don't see you (him) in work any time soon, thanks for being a friendly face when at the time there weren't many of those (long story). Not even chatty, surely. Just acknowledging that he had been 'there' with a smile and a hello when not many others had. I saw it as being polite.

Plus...he did say in the first message he'd looked me up too, so I didn't think much of it.

And yes (whoever said it) I tend to take things at face value - if he'd wanted a shag I expected him to just say it.

I take it, it'd be weird/wrong to just ask him exactly what he wants from me and cut the crap?

Helltotheno - stealth boasting about what? Some apparently sleazy older guy was trying to use me to boost his ego? Hmm and nope, not out of a 'romance' novel...u ca log into my facebook if u like and see for yourself :p

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 21/03/2013 18:07

Just cut the crap yourself and stop giving this tool headspace

Easy-peasy

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 21/03/2013 18:13

:( ok.

OP posts:
LeucanTheMopsis · 21/03/2013 18:16

It would be weird/wrong because you're only likely to get another bucketful of drivel in response.

Think! If this were your partner, and you found he'd been saying this stuff to someone he worked with, would you think:

a) I'm absolutely fine with him saying he wishes he were single to other women

b) he must really like her, this is his destiny and I'm obviously not the one for him so I'll stand out of his way, poor man

or

c) cowardly chancer, who isn't that bothered about either of us.

Original poster
peppasnemesis · 21/03/2013 18:20

I know, I see your (and everyone else's) point.

I was trying to ignore that bit of me that was thinking he was just a man-whore and wanted to see the best in him I suppose.

OP posts:
allaflutter · 21/03/2013 18:22

OP, I thought I dd suggest to just ask him directly, you have nothing to lose, do you? I don't think he sounds great (he speaks about his GF in a weird detached/disrespectful way, yet still calls it a relationship, he OBVIOUSLY is giving you a come on with all the compliments), but for you to get the picture straight in your mind, I do think you should just ask what does he actually want - just say 'I'm not great at understanding hints, so please spell it out!'.

If he does say he wants to date you, just say that you don;t date attached men. Maybe they aer drifting apart and it will be over soon with his GF, but don't go there until it happens.

LeucanTheMopsis · 21/03/2013 18:23

Sorry Sad.

But people who say they're attached, and then put out feelers to see how far you'd go anyway... not good. Not good for you at all.

EggyFucker · 21/03/2013 18:23

Why are you Sad ? It's just a bloke. A sleazy one at that.

Move on.