Don't understand what this means, is it a brush off?

[peppasnemesis]

Sorry, it's really not an important issue, but I've been chatting to this guy (we work at the same company, but he's in a different dep't to me with different shifts, so we only see each other occasionally).

We've recently started talking on a social networking site, but he has a partner that lives in the US (long term relationship).He was upfront about saying that he thought I was attractive or whatever, liked talking to me but he has a partner, said this at the very beginning so I knew where I stood.

I'm now going to be leaving the company and this man has said that if he was single, he would have at least liked to go for a drink with me but has said he's still happy to chat to me.

Now, as he was talking past tense, what does this mean? Is this his way of somehow dropping me? I never thought it could be anything more than just friends, but I'm now sure why he said the "if I was single" thing, it feels like a bit of a brush off somehow - like he thought I was coming on to him or something!

How do I talk to him now...it suddenly feels all awkward, lol.

How many female friends do you get into this kind of pickle with?

If you want to be 'just friends' with him, then do that. Don't flirt with him, don't be inappropriate with him, don't arrange to meet up at a hotel with him...

Because that's almost certainly what he wants.

Carry on talking to him but without being overly intimate, without being flirty, without complimenting him.

Bet he'll get bored pretty quick.

I do love how these online flirty chats always follow the script of a badly written romance novel.

part of me really fancies you, the rest of me knows I shouldn't" and "I'm in uncharted territory with you, so we can either stop now or carry and and see where it takes us

It's definitely no hardship saying hello to you..... I think that you are lovely

Said I'm expecting answers he can't give

Imagine sat on the couch and having those statements made to you you'd laugh your head off at the tweeness, but online they get away with it. It's so romantic they're practically torn between 2 women.

first one is in response to me messaging saying thanks for making the effort to say hi in work when things were a bit stressful

Your message to him though in the first place really was the opening kick to all the flirting though. Why would you message someone to thank them for saying hi if you didn't want it all to lead elsewhere? It's like something a teenager in a romance movie would do coyly while batting their eyelashes. That message to him in the first place would have had green lights stamped all over it for him to thing he was onto something there. Rightly or wrongly that's how it looks.

He's the ass though, he's in a relationship and is testing you out for a bit on the side.

Well to me, as I said before it was honestly just because I was getting a lot of crap at the time and he was the only one bothering to make sure he said hello every time he saw me - it's a long story and can't explain any further than that.
It was genuinely innocent on my part.

However - I did try just friendly texting last night, tried to keep the conversation just to how was your day type stuff, and he did actually mention what you said Shnarkle; his words were that in work he just saw me as being friendly, but I wouldn't have sent that first message if I didn't want some form of contact.

There was also a lot of the annoying cliched comments like "what are you doing to me", apparently I'm tying him up in knots, "is it possible to want things you don't want to want...sorry I'm not making much sense am I".
I DID say when he mentioned company that it depended what sort of company he meant; friendship yes but he's in a relationship so anything more wasn't right (then again, he may not have taken that as a no).

I just wish he'd outright say "I want sex with you" so I know 100% and then can say no. And I know that's what you're all saying, but at one point he said something about he was meant to have had something on over in my town last night but hadn't felt like going; but said if he had gone, he'd have asked for my address to have a 'doorstep chat' afterwards (I'd mentioned before that I had a friend that used to come over at random times like midnight, and we'd just stand on the doorstep chatting for hours)... so I asked if he had wanted me to invite him over (just to se what he said) but that if I had, theres no way he'd have got into the house, and he said yes an invite would be good, but preferably not when there's a blizzard.

He keeps making hints about meeting up then making excuses for why he couldn't, even though he hasn't really been asked; so maybe he's just liking the attention (he reckons he's 'lonely') and the idea of meeting up but wouldn't actually ever go through with it?

Come on.

Time for a bit of cop on.

Nobody is this naive/desperate for insincere flattery, are they...?

He sounds a bit cheeky to me. As if he thought you were there for the taking. I don't understand the social networking site bit but I wouldn't give him another thought. On any level.

Don't give this weirdo your address, will you? Do you really want him rocking up on your doorstep?

Why are you overthinking this so much? The guys a creep. Social convention is preventing him from saying outright "i want a shag". Don't you get that? It's not some great big confusing situation!

Move on!

If he says "I want sex with you" it will scare you off. Why would he do that and ruin his chances?

He knows how to play it - has probably done it often enough before.

The longer he keeps you engaging with him, the better his chances of getting his leg over.

This is why he won't just come out with it, but instead uses ulterior motives...

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say you want him to say he wants to have sex with you! Sorry but it very much sounds like you're trying to provoke him into saying it, to massage your ego. This man is not your friend so stop kidding yourself. Imagine how you'd feel if you had a boyfriend and some woman was having these conversations with him. Yes he is an arse because he's in a relationship but you are not an innocent party. STOP contacting him!!

So you all just drop people if they show the slightest signs that they might be trying to just get their leg over and that's it? What if you think that's what they're doing but you're wrong? Then you've lost a potential decent person from your life for no reason at all.

This is a very respected company we work for, dealing with vulnerable children - so he's CRB'd and is also related to one of the bosses (and no, that's not the reason I'm talking to him!); if he had been for example chatting up every young woman that worked with him (and there are a lot), he'd have got the sack or there would at least be whispers about him.

I'm not desperate for attention/flattery; I can get these bullshit cliches from my ex if I want to...

All I mean, is if he wanted sex then surely he'd make plans to meet? Or try to, anyway.

And btw yes I am actually like this - I literally can't read people unless they're black and white about things.

Well I can read them; I get 'hunches' about what they're really saying but keep doubting myself.

It's not about dropping people. It's about only engaging closely (ie to the point of stressing over their words) with people who enhance our lives, who we love, like and care for who love, like and care for us. It's about not getting in an emotional pickle about a man who has a girlfriend.

I'm not usually a fan of The Rules but I think you should look at them. You don't seem to have an antennae for these things so brisk guidelines might work. It would stop you chatting online to men in relationships or standing on the doorstep for hours.

Yes, if they show the slightest sign they're trying to get their leg over when they're in a relationship. Doesn't everyone...?

He wouldn't just make plans to meet. It's way to presumptuous and bull-in-a-china-shop. It doesn't work that way.

Again, you are coming across as quite naive.

What's CRB got to do with anything? My ex is CRB checked and he slept with prostitutes. CRB only shows that you don't have a criminal record. It has nothing to do with not being a bit of a shit.

^^

"This is a very respected company we work for, dealing with vulnerable children - so he's CRB'd and is also related to one of the bosses"

Well my DH doesn't work for a well respected company, isn't CRB checked or related to his boss and yet he wouldn't behave like this slimy shit is.

Why do you care about this guy, honestly? I agree with whoever said it's all a bit of an ego massage to you.

Concentrate on building your own sense of self worth..the fact that some man may or may not want to shag you shouldn't affect you this deeply, it really shouldn't.

The reason I'm so naive is because I've deliberately kept away from men most of my life (again; long story!) and the only experience I have to draw on is my ex - who DOES just tell me he'll be round for sex when it suits. He's living with someone but swears blind he's not in a relationship with her; just lodging - obviously I don't believe that so don't sleep with him, but I just found it strange that this guy admitted he was in a relationship from the off; and he's not making out like he's unhappy in the relationship or planning to leave - he could've made out he was single and I'd never have known.

Just re-read through the last few texts that were sent last night though and I don't think I was being unclear:

ME: bottom line is; and obv I don't know the details but you're in a relationship so in my mind it's simple - there are only 2 things you could want me for - a text based ego boost sort of thing, ir sex; to put it bluntly. Whether you admit which it is you want is up to you, but obviously I draw my own conclusions. And the reason I'm saying this btw is my ex is a womaniser, so I don't fall for the cliched rubbish he churns out anymore (was hoping that this guy would realise that meant I'm not falling for his crap too!).

HIM: Texting is difficult, but face to face could be more dangerous - I'm in a relationship with someone who is ten thousand miles away who I haven't seen for 6 months and not sure when I'm going to get to see her again, but probaly another 6 months. So sometimes I get lonely.
I dont want sympathy I can feel sorry enough for myself at times, but it seems ironic given I'm not Catholic (there is a reason he mentioned that - long story again!) but am I being tempted during Lent?

ME: it's that lonely word again... Look, presumably you love her so do you really think I'm going to seduce you or something? Sorry but not my style. I respect people's relationships - so maybe to save futher complications I should just leave you alone. Oh, and the fact you mentioned coming over earlier on and are now mentioning being 'tempted' seems like you were just teasing, or testing me to see how I'd react.

HIM: No I wasn't teasing and I am caught in a dilemma. You probably should leave me alone...do you want to?
And I would miss the knots you tie me into. I guess I would enjoy the ego boost whether intended or not. Sorry for all the heavy stuff but you did ask.
And I still want to know what you want, what you need.

ME: Did you want me to ask you to come over tonight? To stand outside and talk, nothing else, no coming inside but just have this chat and get it sorted once and for all. I know you wouldn't have come over but was there a bit of you wanting me to ask or would that have been a step too far? And I genuinely meant just a chat, nothing flirty. And were you saying you do want me to leave you alone in your last message? Cos I was a bit confused...

HIM: I want both and yes an invite to stand on your doorstep would be good but preferably not when there is a blizzard. I guess I need you to take a lead sorry.

ME: Basically, all this is, is I was friendly in work, as others are too...and when I messaged you it was maybe a bit flattering. Theres nothing more to it, we couldn't go anywhere apart from at the very most sex; which isn't right as you're not single.

HIM: Yes you were friendly which I may have misconstrued. But there is something different about you, something intriguing...that's just the way you are. I like having these discussions with you.

Sorry, that ended up being more texts than I intended copying out on here! But seeing through all the "you're different" bullshit cos I know that's just vacuous flattery, are you still all thinking the same?

And I did tell hm a few times...he's not single, I'm not into sex with partnered-up people, so he should've got the message right?

Because that's not why it's bothering me.

It's just I don't like making assumptions of people that might be wrong, and then just cutting them out of my life (because he has been a good...well, colleague, if not friend) without giving them the benefit of the doubt, that's all.

I do still have to work with him for a bit, I've not left the company yet.

Why are you texting him? What is this nonsense? Why are you having long texts "convesations" with a man with a girlfriend? Why are you talking about sex with this man?

This cannot be a good thing. This will not end well. Just stop it!

If you want to send a message that you are not up for anything with him, you need to stop texting him. At the moment, you come over as someone who just needs a bit more bullshit tio be good to go. He's probably got other texting flirts as well.

"... are you still all thinking the same?

Um, yes... Even more so.

You are obsessed. Obsessed with him. To the extent you re-read his texts and then post them, asking for close textual analysis from MN posters.

Yup. If he keeps it up you'll give in and invite him over soon. That's what those texts say.

Peppa, you are definitely a bit obsessed. I can say this because I have a tendency to be like this. It never ends well. It can only end well when you can get him out of your head for a while
He's being very disrespectful to you actually, and there is no reason for you to effectively accept this behaviour.

Please have a look at the Baggage Reclaim website. Sounds like no contact with this Mr Unavailable would help you immeasurably. That site has been such an eye opener for me. I cannot praise it highly enough. Look after yourself. Please don't take any nonsense.

You have a lot if trouble getting rid of people from your life, by the sound of this and previous threads. You really do need to work on your boundaries. Why is it so terrifying for you to cause somebody a moment's disquiet by not doing exactly what they want?

I felt very sad to read that you still have sex that you don't really want just to placate your unpleasant ex. You do realise how wrong that is, don't you? He is a disrespectful rapey bastard, but you want him around your kids, so he sticks around to keep abusing you.

I wish you would place more value on yourself.