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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't understand what this means, is it a brush off?

184 replies

peppasnemesis · 20/03/2013 17:07

Sorry, it's really not an important issue, but I've been chatting to this guy (we work at the same company, but he's in a different dep't to me with different shifts, so we only see each other occasionally).

We've recently started talking on a social networking site, but he has a partner that lives in the US (long term relationship).He was upfront about saying that he thought I was attractive or whatever, liked talking to me but he has a partner, said this at the very beginning so I knew where I stood.

I'm now going to be leaving the company and this man has said that if he was single, he would have at least liked to go for a drink with me but has said he's still happy to chat to me.

Now, as he was talking past tense, what does this mean? Is this his way of somehow dropping me? I never thought it could be anything more than just friends, but I'm now sure why he said the "if I was single" thing, it feels like a bit of a brush off somehow - like he thought I was coming on to him or something!

How do I talk to him now...it suddenly feels all awkward, lol.

OP posts:
aufaniae · 21/03/2013 20:52

"I'm just being friendly, but I must be coming across in a flirty way"

I have to say you do seem to be missing big, obvious flags that this guy's intentions are more than just being friends. By continuing to talk to him after he's made his intentions pretty clear, he probably thinks you're up for it, when in fact you're just being a lovely nice person, while missing the bloody obvious!

He said:

"It's definitely no hardship saying hello to you..... I think that you are lovely." This for a start isn't something you say to someone who is just a friend! He's chatting you up. This is the point at which I would run a mile from someone who has a GF, and remind them they're not single!

Your reply, whether you realise it or not, reads as if you are acknowledging his flirtations ...

"Thanks, I wasn't expecting a reply anyway (I guessed you probably don't get on facebook much) and to be honest was really worried I'd have overstepped the mark contacting you. So thanks for such a lovely reply."

... thanking him for a lovely reply for example when he's so obviously talking to you as someone he fancies has possibly given him the green light to flirt with you, as far as he's concerned.

He later says " "No worries girl. It is difficult for both of us. I liked you the first time I saw you and our brief chats did nothing to put me off lol."

This is also him flirting with you / testing the waters, as is asking you what your "situation" is (i.e. how available you are).

You say: "I tend to take things at face value - if he'd wanted a shag I expected him to just say it." But he's already said it - reading between the lines of his messages he's shouting it at you! From his position he probably thinks you understand his intentions.

You do come across as a lovely person, but please forgive me for saying, really quite naive.

Incidentally, there is nothing wrong with making friends with the opposite sex! FWIW I have lots of male friends. However none of them tell me I'm "lovely" or mention my appearance ever, or feel the need to remind me they have girlfriends. They treat me as one of the lads.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of flattering comments about yourself, and your looks, and men telling you they "like you" - newsflash! - they're trying to get into your knickers! If they're single and the feeling is reciprocated, great. :) If they're attached, it's not good news.

"This guy is still texting...dont suppose that means he's any more genuine? Just checking ;)"

Nope, just a genuine slimebag I'm afraid Sad

SweetSeraphim · 21/03/2013 20:55

I get the impression that you're still interested, OP. Please tell me I'm wrong.

peppasnemesis · 21/03/2013 21:20

Ohh! aufaniae..I really didn't see that :/ makes sense now you've said it, though.

SS - not interested in anything more than friends, however I've asked him straight out now to even answer whether he wants me as a purely text-baseed, non rl friend or what, and he can't even answer that. Said I'm expecting answers he can't give - yet has just asked me what 'if anything', I want from him!

So yep..headfuck.

OP posts:
McBalls · 21/03/2013 21:32

Op...please don't feel you have to reply to this but were you the poster with landlord problems a while back?

SweetSeraphim · 21/03/2013 21:32

Oh dear. He really is.

allaflutter · 21/03/2013 21:40

so how did you reply? just say that you don't want anything from him, if he can't see you purely as a friend! add that you don't date non-singles. If he's been after one thing, he'll drop off.

peppasnemesis · 21/03/2013 21:51

I just said it's not fair of him to ask me that if he won't answer himself, made a point of saying he's the one in the relationship and...well the conversation's still going on, with him saying he never said he could't or wouldn't meet up with me, and that it's difficult for both of us.

I'm finding it quite strange now, well more than I was before.

Oh - and he did also say "you've said you don't fancy me which is understandable, but it means that anything physical is out whether I can give it or not".

Lol.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 21/03/2013 21:55

Why are you still engaging with him ?

Slow night on the telly, is it ?

Come on, get a grip

SweetSeraphim · 21/03/2013 22:14

I agree with EggyFucker That's why I said before that you're still interested. Why are you still texting him?

allaflutter · 21/03/2013 22:24

haha, so now he wants you to argue that no, you didn't REALLY say that you didn't fancy him!

allaflutter · 21/03/2013 22:28

see Op, you shouldn't have got involved in p;ayground chat 'I won't show you minem if you don't show me yours" - you should have just said (and still not too late) that you don't date non-singles, short and consice. Now he obv thinks that you would be interested if he was, and it encourages him. Just say now that it's too complicated indeed, which you don't like, so best not to meet. It's clear now he's not after friendship. Let him split up with gf if he wants to date others.

Gingerandcocoa · 21/03/2013 22:29

Ok, you obviously won't really listen to what 100 posts have been telling you. It does sound like you're enjoying the attention of someone who is looking to cheat on their partner.

Great for you.

Officially signing out of this thread!

allaflutter · 21/03/2013 22:29

"conscise"!

EggyFucker · 21/03/2013 22:37

concise Smile

allaflutter · 21/03/2013 23:10

yes, that! Blush

robotpenguin · 22/03/2013 13:24

I didn't want to read and run but equally it seems pointless repeating what other posters have said, if yo are adamant you are going to have it your way!

It is not difficult for both of you, as he claims, it seems bloody simple to me. Have a look through the - numerous - other posts on this section from women who have discovered the DH/DP messaging women "with intenet" on the internet, via facebook, dating websites, whatever. See how they feel about it, stop judging his relationship from your selfish viewpoint and the scant and biased description he is bound to give you, and think of his partner, however far or near she might be she is a real person.

Please, do yourself a favour and save your energies for someone that makes your stomach flip and knees weak with lust and excitement, and who wants to be with YOU in entirety, not just a meaningless shag.

peppasnemesis · 22/03/2013 17:43

Noted, robotpenguin - but as I've kept saying on here; I DID genuinely think that maybe he wasn't actually after sex and was more interested in the friendship, just because he's not exactly pushing to meet up and seems ok with just texting. He's very vague and I thought if he wanted sex he'd be slightly more direct about it (not telling me he was in a relationship for example, and mentioning meeting up/flirty chat a bit more often.

That's all :(

OP posts:
peppasnemesis · 22/03/2013 17:45

I'll say it again, just in case... I didnt want a relationship with this man. Or anything close to one (which includes 'just sex').

OP posts:
RipleyIsMyHero · 22/03/2013 17:51

Then tell him to sod off. He sounds like a right slimy twat. If I was his girlfriend reading the messages he's sent to you I'd be well shot of him.

peppasnemesis · 22/03/2013 18:48

You all 100% sure he's after sex and not just friends? I know I keep asking, but I'd feel bad just dropping him if really it's all innocent.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 22/03/2013 18:53

There's no 'friends'.. what do you mean by 'friends'? Honestly, how do you think the 'friends' thing will play out?

EggyFucker · 22/03/2013 19:04

Why do you keep asking ?

It's quite clear what the consensus on this thread is

Just do what you want to do....it's obvious you are going to make a pillock of yourself

dontyouwantmebaby · 22/03/2013 19:04

5 pages of people saying what they think. pretty much telling you they are 100% sure that, yes, he is just after sex.

he's not even good 'friend' material, is he? he sounds like a real creep who is being deliberately vague.

tbh the fact he says things to you such as that he would fancy you if only he didn't have a g/f blah blah etc are just so wrong. not what you want in a 'friend' is it.

EggyFucker · 22/03/2013 19:13

OP, if just one person says "you should give him a chance, he sounds like a nice bloke" you will be in there like a rat up a drainpipe, won't you ?

ok

Go for it, OP. He sounds like he could be a really great friend. His sexual hints and sleaziness are just a sign he wants to be bezzie mates with you, and his girlfriend is just a phantom figure you should not concern yourself about.

There, you have your permission.

Gingerandcocoa · 22/03/2013 19:25

Eggy Smile