Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

My mum has repeatedly told me over the years that "yes your childhood wasn't great but I tried my best (like fuck) and you really should get over it". Sound advice really. And for the most part I am over it. Thing is She is over 60 and STILL holds a grudge against her parents so really she's in no position to be telling anyone to "get over it!"

Mum told my sister who is waiting for her son (my DN) to be possibly diagnosed with ADHD that "you don't know how hard it is for me to have a grandchild who might have ADHD!" yeah because its such a picnic for the boy's parents!

My personal favourite though is when mum tells me that "right now she needs to be a bit selfish and put herself first for once". Its the "for once" that does it for me. She is always putting herself first! I got horribly bullied at school she refused to look into changing schools and left me in that hell because "she couldnt deal with the stress".

My instincts are the same as yours building. I thought I was over it all (after lots of therapy) until I had DS last year.

Becoming a parent has reignited things and I realise I have no idea what I'm doing and no role model at all. When I went to my lovely GP with PND, she told me to find a surrogate mum (easier said than done tbh) so I had someone to build my confidence and say I was doing a good job etc.

It would be great if there was a victims of narcs support buddy system like they have in AA for new mums

when i was 17 i got a viral infection that nearly killed me. was very touch and go. my M disappeared for the first frantic day as she had cystitis and had to rest and have a bath. so there was me fighting for my life and my sis making all the medical decision and her in a bubble bath. she said to be recently (20 years later) that that was the first time she ever got cystitis and now she gets it regularly!!!!!!!!! Think i was supposed to apologise to her.

So after i had my dd (at 20 she has never forgiven me for the shame though she tries to hide it) i was again very ill - lots of complications after c section - and where was she - GOLFING for the whole weekend - telling everyone how upset she was..

Then after i left an abusive marraige she 'couldn't cope with the anxiety attacks she was having' SHE WAS HAVING!! and all but blamed me for the abuse saying my sis would never have put up with that and why did i marry him if thats the way he was!!!!!!!! Like i chose it!!!!!!

Married at human I too have a twat beacon just wish I could turn the bugger off.

Crickey Moo I hope he's not in your life anymore??

Gosh there are so many MIL comments to choose from, it's hard to know which one to pick. Just a few.....

In hospital having given birth to DD (DD picked up hospital infection, on life-saving drugs and me expressing milk and syringing it into her mouth. My pelvis having come apart during the birth and is agony). MIL visiting daily to see DD as she saw her as "hers"(DH driven mad and kept wandering off) regaling wildly exaggerated stories of her birth.... how lucky I was it was much harder in her day with no pain relief, women much sicker and having to stay in hospital for 10 days, being left on her own for hours shut in a room screaming to deliver own baby (husbands not allowed to stay). How she was so large chested (I'm not and DD was too sick to feed) that her first son drank 22oz milk per feed as a new born. It was my fault for not producing as much milk as her!!

On day of 9/11, just on mat leave, popped round to see her early evening (her Sister staying with her and due to fly back to Canada following day). "Oh it was so awful to see that (awful 9/11 scenes on tv)" accompanied by faucet tears. 2 minutes later in kitchen whilst making me a drink she laughed and said "Oh, I wasn't crying about that, but now my sister's flights been cancelled and I've got to put up with her for even longer!!!!!" (At the time I knew an ex-work colleague was then working in WTC and close friends were on Honeymoon and visiting New York during their travels with a planned visit to and WTC. Later found out they were all ok.)

During DD's many years of illness and epilepsy, "Did I think that i'd caused DD's epilepsy by putting her in a day nursery for one day a week when I'd returned to work."

Sorry, could go on and on. Sadly, I didn't even realise she was a Narc until 18 months ago when a friend suggested it to me (hadn't heard of NPD before that), but the penny very quickly dropped. Sorry to hear all of your stories.

Think I'm a beacon too. Have recently started therapy, part of the aim being that I can escape this "victim" that seems to transcribed on my forehead.

I thought I was the only one who's mother had blamed her for being bullied. No one spoke to me at school for a year, a teacher called my mother who told her that I was difficult to get on with and it was certainly something I had done. I gathered the courage to tell her that I was being bullied and she looked at me all teary eyed and said 'I know, Chaos, I don't understand why you have no friends, what do you do to make everyone dislike you so much?'

She asked me why I wasn't sporty. I was in the hockey team, held school records for throwing events and jumping events, played rugby, did martial arts, but that's not sporty. What she meant by sporty was sprinting and swimming, because she had represented the county at that, so it was the only sport to do. (Until my brother took up cricket, and then THAT was the only sport worth anything!)

'Oh Chaos, you're so clever and intelligent, but you've never made anything of yourself, have you?' Translates to 'Oh Chaos, I wish you had become a lawyer like your brother, then I could brag about you as well'

The sad thing is, it never stops. Lots of therapy, very low contact and yet, someone said something awful and wholly untrue about me today, and my first thought was... 'I have to justify myself, I have to stop people thinking badly of me'. Luckily, my second thought was 'Hmmm, I fancy a cup of coffee now, and they can think what they like, I know the truth, and that's all that matters' Baby steps, baby steps.

My mother, when I rang her, breathless with joy to say that I was pregnant with ds (had just done the test) aged 43. I had longed for a child and the pregnancy was a complete miracle..

She said 'Oh that's nice dear but could you ring back later as I am off to Church.'

Oh and here's another: When ExH abandoned me and baby and disappeared abroad, it was found he'd been lying and deceiving at work and was about to be found out. I told mother this and she said 'Oh! I KNEW there was a good reason why he would have left ds.'

That took me a while to get my head round - a crap comment on so many levels!

One more: ExH, after disappearing for five days leaving me distraught and with baby ds, returned home wearing a hugely expensive new leather jacket and had blown a grand on lots of other clothes and partying. I asked how on earth could he do this to us..he shrugged and said 'he knew I'd be pissed off and the marriage would probably be over so he thought he might as well enjoy himself.'

I think we're all beacons.

I have literally discarded ALL my friends from more than 10 years ago because quite frankly they were all using nasty arses who I used to LET trample all over me because that's what I was used to.

For a while I was thinking what's wrong with you, you're falling out with everyone? then I saw it was all the people from THAT era when I was still totally screwed by my childhood and unhealthily still enmeshed with my Mum.

People don't like it when you stand up to them. The shock on their faces or in their voices is laughable. They are used to treating you however they like.

I remember that at 13 I had to threaten to call the police to stop being physically abused.

I remember attempting suicide during a spate of being very badly bullied, and being told that I was bringing it all on myself.

I remember being dragged around my friends houses, and being labelled as a slut and a bitch because a boy had walked me home from school.

I remember getting a paper round at 13, and having to pay rent from my £8 earnings.

I remember being constantly told all about my faults - how nobody else would 'love' me the way she did.

I remember being in the delivery suite and being told that my baby had died, and that I would still have to give birth naturally.

She collapsed in a corner wailing about how 'her' baby had died, told me that it was my fault it had happened, how (because I'd left my abusive ex) she was the nearest thing to a parent that my baby would have had, and nobody was thinking of her.

I feel guilty because I'm glad that I'm not alone - I've been following this thread from the start, but have only had the courage to post now, and I feel guilty for doing so. How daft is that?

to you all.

Tapir - I'm glad you have found the strength to post. I have found it so cathartic to post on this thread and one about toxic people. MN helped me see what narcissism is, my xh, by so called bf, and my adult sd. This has been so damaging to my family - I almost think I should just walk away. Although dh has gone no contact - we still get crap from other family members. They seem to think it was fine for her to post shit about all of us all over the internet. She told them all - its her personal diary ffs. They remain in her thrall.

I hope you are getting help and support to you to x

My in laws are very good at this. Asked my dh if he'd 'checked over my MA dissertation to make sure it was good enough!' Dh laughed at them and said you must be joking i don't even understand the title (I was so proud of him!)

When we told them I was pregnant this time I got...'oh well we won't get our hopes up yet you haven't had the best track record' . I've had 2 miscarriages and one dc.

Also got told there is no way this dc will be anywhere near as special as current ds as he is such a one off character! It's true he is great but how very dare they .

Recent comments are. ..'There's no need for you to take maternity leave, we will have the baby for you while you go back to work'. Arrgghhhh the want to have control of the grandchildren really gets me cross.

'I'm so pleased they couldn't tell you the sex it's so much nicer for us to have a surprise'. I told them that what they thought was frankly irrelevant as it was our choice.

Everytime I speak to them there is something new that makes me want to smack them.

Cupcake - you can reduce contact

These histories (I can't call them 'stories' - it would be insulting as I'm sure they're all true) are so sad. While my xh never did anything as 'bad' as some of the things here, he was a narcissist. Several years after parting it was brought home to me how deeply he's marked me.... I help a friend with his animals and recently made a mistake (no harm done). When he pointed it out to me, very reasonably, I was very upset and had to fight not to cry - more because I realised how scared I was of making a man angry than anything else.

Fen girl that is the sad legacy But it can be overcome.

I see your being blamed for being bullied and I raise you being blamed for being bullied AND having your father hoot with laughter until the tears ran down his face when you broke down and finally told him the vile, sexually grotesque nickname that kids at school were calling you, and that it was making you feel suicidal and then said father using that nickname for you for the rest of your life, so hilarious did he find it...

(Well, not anymore, because I threatened to never let him see DS ever again if I heard that name one more time. It worked. My bad)

This is quite trivial, but am struggling to voice other narc stuff. My folks are really normal, well-balanced and nice 85% of the time, have normal, tolerable faults and quirks 5% of the time, and psycho fucking narc central the other 10% of the time, so I always feel guilty and conflicted about what feels like slagging them off, even though every word I write is true.

I identified so strongly with what I think it was TB said previously, about sometimes glimpsing the normal, rounded person who achieved things that I could have been. I have a PhD, so people think I must be really go-getting, etc., but I've been a total loser ever since then. I only existed as my Mother's, well, everything, as a child, so struggle to be a full, autonomous adult even now. She loves to get upset over me not having any confidence or get up and go. Oh, the irony.

Not at all ready to talk about it, but would like to meekly say "I'm here too."

I'm trying! They tend to get caught up in the garden from now till October. Every winter they are bored and we have to do the in law management tactics.

Thankfully dh can feel a little suffocated by them as well so tends to disappear or be very busy.

Oxfordbags, I completely refuse to believe you are a total loser! In what terms? Material success? Glory for others?

I've never read loose rush comments from you either. Wise ones.

Please do not see yourself reflected in others' mirror.

Loser ish not whatever nonsense I typed on this phone

I'm shocked by how long this thread has run. It's the first time I've realised what my mother is and I've been getting floods of deeply buried memories coming to the fore that I am struggling to process.

I've also realised reading this thread that I attract the same traits in some friends and exh.

Thank you and to all the brave posters on here for making me feel less alone, less to blame, less stupid and more angry.

One day I will find the guts to stand up against her.

Thank you, onefewernow (sob!). I am coming to realise that whilst my life has been, yes, loserish, with a childhood like mine, there wasn't much chance of me doing particularly well for myself, personally or professionally. That sounds dramatic, but it's not meant to be. Drearily boring, is all.

If I do give wise advice now and then (thank you), it's because of a lifetime of people-watching; a lifetime spent watching life pass me by instead of participating, because I existed to be my mother's doll/counsellor/whipping boy/best friend/whatever, not a real person. It's also easier to try to help others with problems than look at your own.

Oh, poor me! Get out the tiny violins!