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Original poster

Great first date, what are the chances im going to see him again?

139 replies

Choirace · 14/03/2013 07:36

I may be being cynical, but heres what happened:

We met monday, until then we had lots of contact, firstly texting which then led on to lenghly phone calls. Monday was great, we had breakfast and sat and chatted for hours, came back to mine as the weather was too terrible to be out for long, did a lot of kissing and snuggling. It was really nice. He mentioned then about saturday. In the phone call the day before he had said if monday went well if i would like to go see him saturday and he would take me out for the day. I said yes, it would be lovely.

Just as he was leaving, he asked about saturday again, and i said yes, definatley.

we swapped a few texts that evening, at my instigation.

Tuesday i had heard nothing from him by 8:30pm. Im not needy, but unfortunatley in my dating experience, when contact, which has previously been frequent, drops right off, its not normally a good sign. rather than be kept waiting, i text, he does respond and we end up having a quick phone call. he tells me he is feeling ill. ( which i now take as setting up to cancel the weekend) but that he should be ok for saturday. And that he will text me yesterday. Which he didnt.

I am not going to text/ call again now. As i feel its up to him. It may sound paranoid but i feel that its all off and saturday will fall through.

I would like to know asap, as otherwise i shall make other plans so im not sat in by myself. But i dont think there is a lot i can do at this point.

So - as an outsider looking in, am i just being paranoid, or is my card marked?

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 14/03/2013 07:42

Hmm, impossible to say really. Vanishing is quite a common thing, but also just as usual for them to pop back up again out of nowhere weeks later like nothing happened Hmm

You're right not to bother texting again though, it's just rude and unacceptable of him

Make some other plans :)

GiveMeSomeSpace · 14/03/2013 07:54

You need to stop worrying because he and/or any other possible dates will pick up on your anxiety and you'll end up putting them off. Maybe they'll work out, maybe they won't. But the more you fret, the less likely they are to work out.

Beware your thoughts, they become your words.
Beware your words, they become your actions.
Beware your actions, they become your habits.
Beware your habits, they become your nature.
Beware your nature, they become your destiny.

Good luck :)

Walkacrossthesand · 14/03/2013 07:55

As lubey says - impossible to know if he'll get back to you, but if he said he'd text you Wednesday, it's now Thursday & you normally do something on a Saturday, go ahead and make plans. If he does contact you before Saturday , don't unmake the plans, remind him that he said he'd call you wednesday and from your dating experience, if a bloke doesn't call when he says he's going to, you are free to make alternative plans. Sorry & all that. Another time maybe?

SorryMyLollipop · 14/03/2013 07:57

Definitely make other plans. It does sound like he has disappeared, sorry.

If he gets in touch again and wants sat to go ahead, then you had a valid reason to make other plans because you hadn't heard from him.

Just in case this turns in to a relationship you need to set your boundaries out now. He didn't text, you're not sitting around waiting for him. If he values you, he needs to make some effort. Even if you would rather spend time with him on sat than do anything else, grit your teeth and do something else. Show him that you value yourself and that your time is precious. He will think more of you in the long run.

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 08:02

Thing is, we have already made plans, and spoken about them. hence me not wanting to make other plans... and wondering if im being paranoid.
Sat is arranged and agreed. I spoke to him tuesday, its still alll on then. We both said we were looking forward to it.

he didnt text yesterday, so i immediatley go into ' hes disappeared' mode, meanwhile, he could not be worried at all, as last time we spoke ( tuesday) sat was still all on.

Im not worried anxious, ive been dating far too long to be like that :) i just dont want to waste a childfree weekend by being let down at the last minute.

OP posts:
JackieOHHH · 14/03/2013 08:04

I see that everyone says dont text him & make other plans, BUT what if he's innocently going about his business, planning Saturday, then you drop out? He will be hurt and confused.
If it were me I'd text, saying something like " hi, hope you're starting to feel better? Am looking forward to Saturday, hope you're well by then, but if not let me know & ill do x y z"
That way you don't come across as a needy bunny boiler, just a concerned friend, and you're giving him the chance to cancel Saturday if he wants to for whatever reason.
Then you can make plans and move on.
Good luck!

lubeybooby · 14/03/2013 08:10

Choir but he didn't get in contact when he said he would which is rude and unacceptable, even if he's still ill it doesn't take a second to send a quick text. He knows he said he would.

I really would make other plans. I have a very low tolerance for text and communication related BS like this... experienced the vanisher thing too often!

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 08:38

jackie, i know, that text sounds good. But i dont think i can even send it yet. bearing in mind its thursday morning, and i only spoke to him tuesday evening.

If i do im in danger of looking needly, like i need constant contact, which i dont. its just having dated a lot, its maybe moved my expectations, so i expect a drop in contact for one day to signal the worst.

i sort of feel trapped in no mans land, when i feel like an idiot for assuming its still going ahead, or a paranoid fishwife if i think its all off.

I think it would be reasonable to send that text tomorrow morning, but not before.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 14/03/2013 08:47

Is saturday planned as in where/what time to meet/pick up etc? If so, the odd thing for me is lack of him-generated contact between Monday and now, to continue the feel-good 'spark' you shared on Monday. Texting is sooo easy and only takes a few seconds, even if he's not feeling 100% well.

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 09:10

No. its not. No details, which does bother me. Just that i would be going to his, where he was going to take me and what we were going to do... And that i would be staying, in the spare room if i wanted.

and also, yes, the him generated contact between monday and now to continue the spark has gone. Like i said, all this makes me think its all off.
Before all the contact was generated by him.

You know, i hate this bit, the bit when you think its all off, but arent quite sure so are sort of left im limbo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 09:12

Ive sent a general ' how are you' text. Like hell am i being kept waiting till tomorrow till i know whats going on.

OP posts:
claudedebussy · 14/03/2013 09:16

well i think if you don't get confirmation and organise details today then i'd assume it's off.

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 09:21

hence the text sent just now. if i dont get a reply from that, or firming up of details, then thats it. hes working right now, so i dont expect an instant reply..... but should surely have one in a few hours.

OP posts:
claudedebussy · 14/03/2013 09:22

sorry - didn't see that.

LessMissAbs · 14/03/2013 09:27

I think Monday was more than a date, and you spent a lot of time together for a "first date". You also texted several times that night. A lot of men like a bit of mystery, rather than everything set out for them on a plate on the first date.

Hes been rude in not getting back to you regarding Saturday. You are not unreasonable in considering Saturday cancelled, and leaving any further contact up to him. The "illness" thing is a fobbing off, but leaves it open ended in case he changes his mind and feels like an encore of Monday.

Just ignore him. Some men are very tricky and too much hassle to bother with!

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 09:33

That is true, we spent 5 hours together. He said saturday would be good as we would have even longer. I had things to do on monday and he said about waiting and doing something when i was finished.... but i said i couldnt.

It was not a case of me giving him everything on a plate at all, more the other way round as he had also already asked me to another event in a few weeks, which i was unsure of and was vague about as personally, its a bit quick for me.

All this is why, him having gone a bit quiet, has made me think that its it. Obviously, if hes too much hastle, its easier to find out sooner rather than later, its no bones, its just the being in limbo bit which is the awful bit ( i find)

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 14/03/2013 09:45

I hope not but I think he's disappeared too.

I hate this part of dating so I don't do it anymore. I am FAR too fragile!

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 09:46

me too, if im honest.

bloody typical.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 14/03/2013 09:47

Sad I'm sorry. WHY do they do this?!! It's infuriating!

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 09:53

I dont know, i just feel like a bit of a tit for believing it.

I mean, i think its pretty obvious, Ive not had a reply to the text i sent almost an hour ago.

its just weird, very strange behaviour.

OP posts:
claudedebussy · 14/03/2013 09:57

does he normally text back straight away?

akaemmafrost · 14/03/2013 10:01

DON'T feel daft for believing it. Would YOU do this? Would you arrange a date with a person with no intention of following through? And even if he's changed his mind then the decent thing is to say so.

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 10:02

yeah,but we havent text while hes been at work before, so, i dont know really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 10:05

No i wouldnt do it.
if i had a first date and didnt want a second, i would say so.

which is the part of me which isnt sure, he brought it up TWICE in person, on monday. And then tuesday, when he said he was ill and i would understand if he needed to cancel ( giving him an easy get out if he wanted) he said no, he was sure he would be ok. i said ok, that it would be nice to see him again, and that i would make arrangements so i didnt need to race back, and he said that was good and yes it would be nice.

So, i thought to myself to stop being a dick. but then he made no contact yesterday like he was saying he was going to.

Ive now made those arragaments, with a cravat, because i feel its likely to fall though.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 14/03/2013 10:12

I think you can safely make other arrangements and it's NOTHING you did. Just another flaky man sharing the wealth on the dating scene Angry.