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Original poster

Great first date, what are the chances im going to see him again?

139 replies

Choirace · 14/03/2013 07:36

I may be being cynical, but heres what happened:

We met monday, until then we had lots of contact, firstly texting which then led on to lenghly phone calls. Monday was great, we had breakfast and sat and chatted for hours, came back to mine as the weather was too terrible to be out for long, did a lot of kissing and snuggling. It was really nice. He mentioned then about saturday. In the phone call the day before he had said if monday went well if i would like to go see him saturday and he would take me out for the day. I said yes, it would be lovely.

Just as he was leaving, he asked about saturday again, and i said yes, definatley.

we swapped a few texts that evening, at my instigation.

Tuesday i had heard nothing from him by 8:30pm. Im not needy, but unfortunatley in my dating experience, when contact, which has previously been frequent, drops right off, its not normally a good sign. rather than be kept waiting, i text, he does respond and we end up having a quick phone call. he tells me he is feeling ill. ( which i now take as setting up to cancel the weekend) but that he should be ok for saturday. And that he will text me yesterday. Which he didnt.

I am not going to text/ call again now. As i feel its up to him. It may sound paranoid but i feel that its all off and saturday will fall through.

I would like to know asap, as otherwise i shall make other plans so im not sat in by myself. But i dont think there is a lot i can do at this point.

So - as an outsider looking in, am i just being paranoid, or is my card marked?

OP posts:
DukeSilver · 15/03/2013 08:05

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all.

Too needy my arse! A couple of texts after a good date it hardly too much.

As I see it the op was just being herself and if he didn't like her fair enough (although he has acted like a dick by arranging a date he won't keep) but I hardly think you can say she drove him away by being needy ffs!

BitOutOfPractice · 15/03/2013 08:14

IMHO it's the ones that show the most promise that disappoint. The ones that you're not holding out much hope for that come good Smile

Next!

thatstripedthing · 15/03/2013 08:25

Good, OP. also been doing the online dating thing for a (lengthy) amount of time. Great fun but definitely not for the feint hearted! Yes, people who haven't done it before are very judgemental. Sometimes you know these people better than if you had met them in a pub. Be strong Smile

Original poster
Choirace · 15/03/2013 08:28

i think thats it, he held a lot of promise. because he asked me about saturday, twice and asked me to something the week after, he held even more promise.

i stupidly believed him. i did say to him that it was all arbitary until we had met but he said we get on like a house on fire on the phone, what could go wrong

me making contact twice after the date does not make me needy. it just shows him up to be a lying arse.

there will be a next. i just need a few days to lick my wounds and feel crap.

OP posts:
BreasticlesNotTesticles · 15/03/2013 08:38

Of course you did nothing wrong! He's a knob.

Funny how women get called needy, I'm suprised no one said you were nagging him for another date Wink

Onwards and upwards...

BreasticlesNotTesticles · 15/03/2013 08:40

By the way I met DH online after kissing a lot of frogs.

He is wonderful, and nearly completely normal.

patienceisvirtuous · 15/03/2013 08:58

I second what bitoutofpractice said - it's the ones you least expect who come good :-)

Ps you so didn't act needy! Keep the faith OP.

beingacow · 15/03/2013 10:11

I wonder if those posters who have been judgmental towards the OP have been lucky enough to have long term partners and haven't dated recently. It is very easy to cast the first stone if you insulated from that world. Think about it? What kind of ridiculous double standard is implied to condemn a woman for DARING to send a text message to a man she has spent a very good fun time with (including some physical contact - cuddling, etc), and who has led her to believe he wanted to see her again? What is SO terrifying about a woman actually showing her interest in a man? Why does a woman expressing interest, requesting contact from someone who has behaved as though he was mutually interested in her, suddenly become "needy"? Really? Really?

And as for those men (and women, I assume) who do behave like this, leading on, creating a promise of intimacy, then disappearing, it is dishonest, cruel and cowardly. Also, sadly, very common in dating. We assume that most people who are "dating" are actually looking for a "relationship". So we must drop our guard to some degree in order to allow the possibility of that relationship to exist. But that does make us vulnerable and people who behave like the man has in this situation are exploiting that, whether they set out to or not.
When I was dating, if I met someone and didn't want to see them again, or wasn't sure about them, I would let them know. End of story. Why deliberately hurt people's feelings? You DO owe someone respect if you've spent time in their company and dangled a suggestion of further entanglement. I'm lucky enough to have met someone (not through internet dating!) but I remember well how it feels to be "disappeared" on, and the damage it does.

Original poster
Choirace · 15/03/2013 10:34

;)

Thank you, thats very true.

I forgot to add, that the original date was for this saturday, he requested to bring it forward as he couldnt wait to meet me, and said then we would be able to see each other twice in the same amount of time.

he didnt imply he was interested, he told me, face to face, that he was really interested and intended to making a relationship with me.

When someone tells you that AND has a date all organised, it is very very strange behaviour to then vanish of the face of the earth. Me sending two texts first did not ruin it all.

i have spoken to several friends this morning who are dumbfounded by this as much as i am. Because, frankly, its just not normal behaviour, is it. And while it might be good to find out he is a dick so early on, its still bloody painful,

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 15/03/2013 10:51

If I was going to offer one piece of constructive advice (and I'm not from the 'in LT relationship/never been out there' crew - I have been in same boat as you :) ) I would say one of the risks you should be willing to accept in the first few weeks of dating someone is that you might end up with no weekend/Saturday plans if a date falls through, rather than trying to get confirmation it's definitely happening.

I think taking a leap of faith that it will happen and waiting to hear back as opposed to texting/calling to seal the deal on the date in advance (so you can make alternative plans otherwise) can work in your favour i.e. no pressure/relaxed approach in first few weeks can be conducive.

The first time they're an a*se though - get shot.

Original poster
Choirace · 15/03/2013 11:03

patience, yeah, i know. just having had that happen more times that i can even remember, and childfree time being precious, i now try to avoid it.

its pretty crap if you have turned down other plans in favor of a date/ second date/ third date, and then they just vanish into thin air. its then embarassing to try and tag along with the friends you turned down, so you end up sat in doing nothing.

it doesnt always work that way either, i had a date ealier this year, and took the approach you say. I hadnt heard from him for 2 days, but just assumed all was ok. it got to 2 hours before the date, i was just about to start getting ready, babysitter was coming round in an hour... i text to confirm, had no reply within the hour, so text again saying since i hadnt heard i was going to presume it was off. he text back, 10 mins before the date was meant to start, telling me it was still on, but now because of my behaviour, it wasnt. laughable.

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 15/03/2013 11:16

Yeah it's really tricky - especially when your time is precious.

Anyway, it's nothing to do with your behaviour - when the right one comes along, he comes along.

By the way my friends were pretty understanding re the tagging along at the last minute, I'd just explain - and they'd more than likely say 'just let me know on the day' because ultimately they wanted me to meet someone nice and wanted to be supportive.

I wish you luck and hope you meet someone lovely soon.

Original poster
Choirace · 15/03/2013 11:23

i very much doubt i will. ive been at it for a fair few years, three and a half now. not had once decent thing from it.

OP posts:
NinaHeart · 15/03/2013 11:33

I think you shouild tell us all his name, just in case we need to avoid him in future! Wink

happymschicken · 15/03/2013 11:33

OP, your post has really resonated with me as I did way too much online dating a few years back.

Practically every man I met was a total arse and I found the whole exercise really hard to get to grips with.

There would be the initial thrill of starting contact with a man who could turn out to be a possible partner, the emails, texts, phone calls and then the meet-up, which 9 times out of ten was a disaster with either me not fancying him or the other way round.

However, I met my DH this way and I struck lucky but it makes me shudder when I think about the high proportion of wankers I met via dating sites.

For what it's worth, I don't think you were needy at all. If a friend makes a date and then you don't hear from them you'd contact her to find out what's happening, so I don't see why this is any different.

I'll wager you'll get a drunken text from him in a few weekends pleading ignorance if my experiences are anything to go by!

Lueji · 15/03/2013 11:46

I suspect he actually didn't want to do Saturday.
And possibly wanted something more out of your first date, which may be why it lasted so long...

As a rule, try to set dates around your commitments, not changing them. At the very least you won't lose much.

Original poster
Choirace · 15/03/2013 12:05

As i did do...........

OP posts:
Charliefox · 15/03/2013 12:05

But OP, he absolutely DID NOT hold a lot of promise. You'd met him ONCE! You may have found out much more about him in advance but you'd still only met him once. Needy is such a horrible word, so I won't use it but if I met a guy and he text me straight away and then again and then again and then again, with a pointed message about not getting in touch, I'd be starting to double lock my doors at night.

Charliefox · 15/03/2013 12:13

He was hedging his bets and Id bet money on the fact that he's meeting up with someone else. You've had a lucky escape OP!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/03/2013 12:18

I think he has another date for tomorrow, and thought he could squeeze you in on Monday.

What a tit.

AndLibbyMakesThree · 15/03/2013 12:23

beingacow - excellent post. Totally agree.

choirace, I've done a lot of online dating, and it's very tough. I really hope you meet someone soon, though I know it can feel like it will never happen.

Lueji · 15/03/2013 12:29

IN addition to beingacow's post.

With current partner, I contacted him first, and encouraged the first meeting.
He's done enough chasing, and he's the one almost always sending the first text in the morning.

Just be yourself and do what feels right at the time.

Only, if they don't seem keen, then let them be.
On confirming dates, when you arrange it, tell them to confirm it the day before (or when you need it confirmed). If they don't, then assume it won't take place.
A man who is sufficiently keen will confirm the date.

Original poster
Choirace · 15/03/2013 12:40

yeah, i know, which is why i knew something was up when the contact dropped, im not stupid, can read the signs a mile off.

just havent been lucky yet.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/03/2013 12:44

My DSis has this happen to her, she is a nice normal un-needy person and sorry to say, some folk out there do use internet dating as a hobby. In a let's-see-how-many-people-we-can-mess-around-with way. Obviously if they had a prominent tattoo "I am a wanker" emblazoned on thir forehed she could cut to the chase and get rid. They either think they're God's gift or it's some kind of mad cosmic payback for any hurt they've suffered. Are they worse or as bad as the marrieds, the "My wife doesn't understand me/we're separated" variety?

If she didn't occasionally meet genuine types then of course she wouldn't put herself through it.

sarahseashell · 15/03/2013 13:05

OP on a practical level how about getting some 'plan b's that you would enjoy on your own - eg going to cinema, gym/ swimming etc - then just mentally set a time you want to hear from the person by and if you don't hear from them then you still have something to do if you've got a babysitter etc rather than having to keep friends dangling.

I'm certainly not out of the dating game but experience has taught me to hang back and take a more watchful approach, that's all. Just let things take their course more now and it's much better.