Great first date, what are the chances im going to see him again?

[Choirace]

I may be being cynical, but heres what happened:

We met monday, until then we had lots of contact, firstly texting which then led on to lenghly phone calls. Monday was great, we had breakfast and sat and chatted for hours, came back to mine as the weather was too terrible to be out for long, did a lot of kissing and snuggling. It was really nice. He mentioned then about saturday. In the phone call the day before he had said if monday went well if i would like to go see him saturday and he would take me out for the day. I said yes, it would be lovely.

Just as he was leaving, he asked about saturday again, and i said yes, definatley.

we swapped a few texts that evening, at my instigation.

Tuesday i had heard nothing from him by 8:30pm. Im not needy, but unfortunatley in my dating experience, when contact, which has previously been frequent, drops right off, its not normally a good sign. rather than be kept waiting, i text, he does respond and we end up having a quick phone call. he tells me he is feeling ill. ( which i now take as setting up to cancel the weekend) but that he should be ok for saturday. And that he will text me yesterday. Which he didnt.

I am not going to text/ call again now. As i feel its up to him. It may sound paranoid but i feel that its all off and saturday will fall through.

I would like to know asap, as otherwise i shall make other plans so im not sat in by myself. But i dont think there is a lot i can do at this point.

So - as an outsider looking in, am i just being paranoid, or is my card marked?

OP you asked why your date would make plans etc. and then not follow through. If you read the Baggage Reclaim site you will find it's a known pattern of behaviour called Future Faking:-

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/

It makes no difference whether it's online dating or meeting them at work or down the pub there are some nasty bits of work out there and it makes sense to hang back a bit until you are sure they are who they say they are. Online dating might make it a bit easier for users to hide things though. This guy seems to have turned out to be not up to much and you have invested a lot of time and energy in him that he doesn't deserve.

It's not being judgy to point out to someone where you think they may be behaving in a way that is detrimental to their well being. He is responsible for his crappy actions, you are responsible for keeping crappy people as far away from you as possible. You NEED to judge them and set boundaries and apply sanctions when they are crossed. Messing you about, not phoning when he said he would. Dump.

There is nothing wrong with being needy or insecure either - it's part of being human. As long as you realise it and do not act upon it and see it for what it is - resist the urge to phone when he said HE would and don't stress about it. If it was a girlfriend you'd wait for a while then send a casual text - this is not what you did. I agree that you should not have changed your plans for him - keep it light and casual - something that you can bail out of too if you want. Also don't be sat doing nothing get some things going that you like to do by yourself or make a loose arrangement with friends.

Baggage Reclaim is a really good site with lots of useful info about unavailable men, fuckwits , setting boundaries, etc. Try reading some of it before you venture out again - it might save you a lot of dating angst!

ive got other things i can do, thing is it tend to leave you feeling a bit crap and deflated, so i dont feel much like doing anything.

while that might sound a bit pathetic, it is the truth, and i know im not the only one who would feel that way.

er, northwich, i did leave it. and then i sent a casual text. just asking how he was. nothing more.
i wasnt pestering him like some kind of crazy woman, please dont infer that i did.

i could have written the baggage reclaim site, doesnt mean im infalliable and not caught out sometimes. i had this guy down as something different to what he turned out to be. i guessed the score pretty quickly....

i dont need help, i just need a decent human being to come along.

Hi Choirace,

Here's wishing you a good day tomorrow. Shame on the tosspots out there!

Poppy x

thanks. sure ill be fine in a few days.
Its not so much him thats upset me, more the fact that its just another in a long line of tossers, and i cant see when thats going to change. Bit fed up of being on my own now really.

( not being needy, but have been single for 4.5 years)

He is a wanker and you are a nice lady. 'Tis all you need to remember.

I don't think you are at all needy. It is human nature to expect people to treat you with integrity and honesty. He has behaved like a tit. Text him all you want and say what you want, why is this being needy?

Remember the Alanis Morrisette single and how shocking it was at the time?Feel a bit of that instead of caring what he thinks.

Tosser Fwiw, I was on my own for 5 years and boy did I meet some twats and wankers. Then I met dh..

I was on my own for 7 years and also met every type of twat going.

I've seen what you describe all before and when you meet the right one there will be none of this 'haven't heard', 'when to text', 'what's going on?' nonsense as it will be easy, you will both just want to see each other and that's when you'll know it's right.

Don't despair, I have a lovely DH now and he was worth the wait!

Not wanting to go against the grain but could he be ill? He might just have man flu and be feeling really, really sorry for himself. He might be unwell and be the sort of person who makes a huge issue of a slight cold. That doesn't mean you should wait for him as you probably don't, long term, want a hypochondriac. However, he may still be keen but too "ill" to contemplate Saturday.

rose, no. not at all.

if hes not too ill to be logging on to a dating site, then hes not to ill to send a text.

its just bollocks.
as i said, not upset over him, upset as i had, for even a short time, hope of something exciting.

Its not that i cant get another date, i can. I could get one tonight if i wanted to. The barman when i was out last week chatted me up and was giving me free drinks. I just cant find anything that lasts more than one or two dates.
very disheartening.

It's shit trying to stay positive in the dating game. I know that.

It's a rollercoaster. But one you must ride if you want a shot at meeting someone lovely. Sometimes it takes longer than others.

It's well worth it when you do meet someone nice though so keep on being your lovely self and persevering OP.

I have been so unlucky in love over the years. I had almost given up. Was about to start fertility treatment alone - and then I met DP. And it's different. For the first time ever I actually feel secure.

I hope you manage to have a good weekend. Sex and the City re-runs, a bottle of wine and some chocs are my failsafe cheer-me-up if I am feeling despondent :-)

i will keep at it, because at somepoint i have to meet somone lovely.

in the meantime, the dick has been on the dating site most of the afternoon. see, baffling.....

anyway.

i know its not me. all of my friends have been utterly shocked, and picked me up from the ' woe is me, why do men hate me' feeling.

i shall continue to wallow, because i have nice waitrose hot cross buns to eat. and then tomorrow ill be back to my usual self.

( embarassingly, my neighbour keeps hitting on me and just asked if i fancied going round his for a few glasses of wine. AND someone from work has just messaged me on the dating site... neither of which i would touch with a bargepole)

You're obviously in demand though which is a good thing! Only a matter of time :-)

you would have thought..... 3 years down the line.......