Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Great first date, what are the chances im going to see him again?

139 replies

Choirace · 14/03/2013 07:36

I may be being cynical, but heres what happened:

We met monday, until then we had lots of contact, firstly texting which then led on to lenghly phone calls. Monday was great, we had breakfast and sat and chatted for hours, came back to mine as the weather was too terrible to be out for long, did a lot of kissing and snuggling. It was really nice. He mentioned then about saturday. In the phone call the day before he had said if monday went well if i would like to go see him saturday and he would take me out for the day. I said yes, it would be lovely.

Just as he was leaving, he asked about saturday again, and i said yes, definatley.

we swapped a few texts that evening, at my instigation.

Tuesday i had heard nothing from him by 8:30pm. Im not needy, but unfortunatley in my dating experience, when contact, which has previously been frequent, drops right off, its not normally a good sign. rather than be kept waiting, i text, he does respond and we end up having a quick phone call. he tells me he is feeling ill. ( which i now take as setting up to cancel the weekend) but that he should be ok for saturday. And that he will text me yesterday. Which he didnt.

I am not going to text/ call again now. As i feel its up to him. It may sound paranoid but i feel that its all off and saturday will fall through.

I would like to know asap, as otherwise i shall make other plans so im not sat in by myself. But i dont think there is a lot i can do at this point.

So - as an outsider looking in, am i just being paranoid, or is my card marked?

OP posts:
Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 19:49

maryz - i agree with that entirely.

i dont play games, and if by me texting him once has blown it for me, then he wasnt the sort of man id want anyway.

i wasnt pushy at all in any case, seeing as it was HIM who kept asking about this saturday.. he also asked me to another event a week from now. I asked him about no future plans.

OP posts:
Maryz · 14/03/2013 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin · 14/03/2013 19:57

Nah, that wouldn't be pushy - that'd be 'hopeful', Maryz Grin

sarahseashell · 14/03/2013 19:59

I don't think you were 'pushy' OP and nowt wrong with that, but I do think it's worth hanging back a bit to see what someone's like and let them meet you halfway a bit more.

I know it's controversial on MN to say don't chase after men but I think after the first date or two it can be useful, not in the longer term obviously and not to 'get' a man Confused just to let things take their own natural course a bit IYSWIM as some people, men and women to be fair, do get scared off by a lot of texts etc.

ILoveBagels · 14/03/2013 20:07

sorry to be harsh and I understand the frustration, but to me you do sound needy. that's not to say his behaviour is good or nice, but if you are dissecting it all this much after one date, then I think you will struggle. he's got under your skin and left you vulnerable. annoyingly so, for you.

perhaps consider resetting your boundaries and not letting a man in quite so much so early on.

akaemmafrost · 14/03/2013 20:09

To be fair I think most people would. I don't think the OP is needy, she liked him, had had a lot of contact beforehand and then was brushed off after one meeting. I think you'd have to Dr Phil to not be mulling that over quite a bit and be wondering where it went wrong.

lemonstartree · 14/03/2013 20:14

he made it ABUNDANTLY clear he was not interested... just LEAVE it.

If you wanted to text some one/ be in contact you would do so however ill you were. Please, don't accept this shite... you are worth far more....

move on. delete his number. Do NOT reply if he text you...

Maryz · 14/03/2013 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 20:20

i am leaving it.
im also not needy.
he called me before the date, he instigated the texts.... not me.
he asked me out again... i just accepted then was left wondering what the actual plans were, so attempted to find out.. hardly needy seeing as he lives an hour away.......

Im confused by his behaviour, but its nothing new in dating. its just frustrating and shit.

but its not any reflection on me, and i wont have that it is.

OP posts:
ILoveBagels · 14/03/2013 20:22

right from the outset there was a dropping of boundaries. doesn't normally do phone calls, but did this time (because he wanted to), doesn't normally hang out for 5 hours with kissing and cuddling, but did this time (because he lived an hour away). will wait for him to text (then sends 'just one more').

all that sounds like a need trying to be fulfilled to me.

Maryz · 14/03/2013 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 20:30

bagels - no, not at all. i spoke to him on the phone because it was going so so well via text. he asked if he could call and i did want to talk to him... so did.
also, with him living so far away, a 45 min coffee date wouldnt have been appropiate at all.

i now have alternative sat plans... :)

OP posts:
sallyfromthealley · 14/03/2013 20:50

Yeah but why would you do a five hour date in the morning and go back to yours for cuddles? Sorry that sounds a bit weird.

Also if you arrange a date during your first one, you haven't had time to think about whether or not you would really like to see them again. It takes a couple of days to get an accurate perspective on things.

I've done this myself where I have met someone, got on great, but there was something lacking when I thought about it on my own at home later. Then I tried to avoid them or made lame excuses while I was trying to make my mind up - maybe I'll see them, oh I'm not quite sure, what the hell...go for it, hmmm don't bother..., what have you got to lose?...not sure if I liked him really...give him another chance...I was a bit put off when he said/did...

Original poster
Choirace · 14/03/2013 21:05

i dont think it is.
there were snow blizzards here, we had outstayed our welcome where we were, conversation was flowing, it was all great and we both wanted to continue it. So, we just came back to mine. I dont see how that weird in any way.

and again, he it was him who asked about the second date, twice. not me.

doesnt matter now in any case...

OP posts:
TheNorthWitch · 14/03/2013 21:43

I also think a five hour first date is too much whatever the reasons for it. Even if things are going really well it's best to stay in control and apply the brakes until you're really sure they're worth your time. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Otherwise you end up on an emotional roller coaster.

He may have initiated the idea of a second date but you are the one who has been tying themselves in knots over it, fretting, starting a thread and panicking about the lack of plans for a night out not to mention texting him instead of waiting for him to get back to you as he said he would. Don't play games but don't chase either. He's a grown man and if he is not texting when he said he would he is showing who he is. Someone who doesn't keep his word. Do you really want that?

You seem to be much too invested already in someone who has turned out to be not worth your time and effort. If he didn't contact you and the date fell through would it have been such a big deal? He may have been ill, thinking the distance was too great or checking out other options. You didn't know so best to just chill and stay detached. If a relationship is meant to work it just will.

You may be a bit more needy than you realise and it may be worthwhile to have a think about it before you plan anymore dates.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 14/03/2013 22:31

Please be careful bringing people back to yours, op. I've read some horror stories about women being hurt :(, please be safe until you know the person better

LessMissAbs · 14/03/2013 22:41

Just forget about him now OP.

And next time you will probably be a bit more wary and hold back a bit.

Coffee1Sugar · 14/03/2013 22:44

Agree with ^. Please don't let online dates to your home on the first date again. You just don't know them or what they're capable of. On the other hand, don't give up with online dating. There are some really good eggs on there (I should know, I grabbed my good egg online 14 months ago!). Enjoy your new plans for Saturday

BadLad · 15/03/2013 01:33

men hate being chased as a rule

This is wrong.

Men do not think "Hell, what a shame. She was gorgeous and really nice, but she tried to initiate a date, and I hate that, so I'd better let her go".

We don't. A woman making an effort to set dates up will not put a man off, unless it crosses the line into stalkerish behaviour.

Original poster
Choirace · 15/03/2013 06:32

i wasnt even initiating a date, just trying to find out if it was still on.

the north witch, yes, it would have mattered if it fell through as because of the distance and the fact i was going to stay over, i had to arrange for someone to have my dog. he knew this and had asked if it was possible in the first place. there was also a non compulsary meeting at work on the sunday morning which i said i couldnt attend. so now i will look foolish undoing both of those arrangements. i was getting in a stress about it as i didnt want this exact situation to occur. its highly embarassing and i cant tell you the number of times its happened with dating.

i am not needy. none of this was my fault.i just believed someone when i shouldnt have done.

OP posts:
sallyfromthealley · 15/03/2013 06:38

Not only did you bring someone back to yours on a first date, you were going to stay at his house overnight on only the second. You must be mad!

thatstripedthing · 15/03/2013 06:46

Crumbs, there are a lot of judgemental people on here! OP, you did nothing wrong at any stage. Meet him for as long as you like, meet him where you like and for however long you like. I would almost think this was a judgement chamber. Best of luck in moving on, get back on the horse etc...Wink

BitOutOfPractice · 15/03/2013 06:54

op no you didn't do anything wrong. It's just one of the hazards of online dating

And I agree that many people have been very judgey. There's still a lot of stigma attached to online dating. I don't know why. Usually from people who haven't tried it!

Good luck op. he you meet someone really lovely.

Original poster
Choirace · 15/03/2013 07:11

yes, i would have gone to his. its no different than meeting someone in a bar and going home with them. or going backto theirs for a coffee at the end of a date.
i knew a lot of info about him, it all checked out.

i didnt do anything wrong.

will get back on horse, fear not. ive been doing online dating quite a while, this isnt something new. i just hoped it was different this time.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 15/03/2013 08:01

You did NOTHING wrong.

Hope you're feeling a bit better this morning.

Swipe left for the next trending thread