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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To get annoyed at having to prompt dh for some money?

537 replies

WomanCalledAlice · 01/03/2013 15:57

I work FT and get paid monthly, dh gets paid weekly. My wage pays the bills/clothes the kids need etc. On a Friday when dh is paid he transfers money straight into my account for groceries. Today he transferred £100 so I went to Tesco and spent £70 on food for the week and put the other £30 in the meter for electric.

Now it's my friends birthday today and I'd like to buy her something nice and also my other friend had a baby on Monday so would have liked to buy her a little gift.

Every week it's more or less the same, he transfers money over but I just never have enough. When I ask him for more money he usually says "did you spent the whole £100"? But he always transfers more over its just the fact he questions me and I don't think I should have to ask.

I'm not out buying luxuries for myself (I wish) I'd just like a little bit of cash in my purse. AIBU?

I almost feel guilty for asking him Confused

OP posts:
RoomForASmallOne · 09/03/2013 18:01

Second what tribot says Smile

Your DCs and you need this time together, far more important than what your DM wants tbh.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 09/03/2013 18:16

I just feel this is my way of staying in control. I've been a walkover for so long I don't want to do that anymore. She can be quite twisted at times, she actually implied I had provoked H last weekend to do what he did. One of the reasons I had to leave her house.

OP posts:
RoomForASmallOne · 09/03/2013 18:21

You and your DCs need to 'circle your wagons'

Your DM, and your relationship with her can wait.

You getting your head sorted and just being with your DCs is your priority Alice.

Every thing else will keep until you are ready to deal with it.

Stick to your guns about tomorrow...you DCs want to spend it with you.

It's Mother's Day...not Grandmother's Day.

tribpot · 09/03/2013 18:31

I just feel this is my way of staying in control

Damn right. Stick to your guns.

she actually implied I had provoked H last weekend

Another selfish person who thinks their needs outrank yours. And isn't afraid to play dirty to prove it.

blackcurrants · 09/03/2013 20:06

You're doing the right thing :)

Jux · 09/03/2013 21:03

Quite right. Even if it's your mum, you don't have to listen to that sort of crap EVER. Especially if it's your mum.

You're starting a new life, a new way of being. Have a great Mother's Day doing what you want, and don't take any crap.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 09/03/2013 21:05

I know, I just feel so alone. There is no one I can talk to in RL. I'm not sure how long I can put on the brave face and be strong.

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/03/2013 21:09

Why can't you talk to anyone in real life about it? (Apols if you've explained this upthread). Your neighbour witnessed the assault for one thing.

Have you thought about contacting Women's Aid to see if there is a support group you could hook up with? Although the violence is recent the abuse has been prolonged.

FelicityWasCold · 09/03/2013 21:57

As usual, you're doing the right thing Alice! (And what tribpot said)

EternalRose · 09/03/2013 22:24

Hi Alice, just read this thread from start to finish. I think you have been so brave, and I admire your strength. I have been through a similar thing in the past, but I want you to know my inbox is always open if you want to chat and I am up quite late most nights. x

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 09/03/2013 23:00

Thank you eternalrose, that's very kind.

I moved here 12 months ago, my closest friends are 200 miles away. I know a few people here but I'm really not close enough to call on them. My closest friend here is having a rough time herself just now so don't want to bother her. I'm just putting on a brave face until the kids go to bed then I have too much time to think.

OP posts:
Seabright · 09/03/2013 23:11

What about talking to you neighbour? They know, so no need to explain. They'd probably like to know how you are and if they could help out.

cjel · 09/03/2013 23:13

Are you sure your friend wouldn't want to know? she might not think you are a burde? she might like to be given the chance to be supportive.?

Imaginethat · 09/03/2013 23:17

Sorry to hear about your mum Alice though I guess it makes sense that you grew up having to please others and then went onto a relationship that was also one sided. You are seeing through this now. And your next step is to call in RL help. You don't have to suffer this alone. Can you at least text or phone your far away friends just to let them know? It can help to receive supportive texts and calls.
And the friend nearby going through a rough time, okay you don't want to burden her but friends share. Seems to me that if you know and care about her problems she will want to know about yours.

I think the WA contact is a v good idea. That's what they are there for. Let people help you Alice. This is the new you, the one who looks out for herself x

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 09/03/2013 23:20

I don't really know my neighbour. I know she works long hours. I did see here on Monday and she asked how I was etc but I don't know, I couldn't see me approaching her. My friends mum has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, I really couldn't bring myself to put this on her.

I have a doctors app on Monday to hopefully get something to help me sleep, I'll speak to her about it.

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 10/03/2013 00:39

Well, you can always talk to us! Some of us have no life are up all night breastfeeding. (same thing) :)

tribpot · 10/03/2013 10:45

Happy day to you, Alice.

RoomForASmallOne · 10/03/2013 12:41

Happy Mother's Day Alice Smile

Hope you are managing to chill out and relax for a bit.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 10/03/2013 13:08

Thank you :)

Ds2 woke me up at 7am with tea and toast. Got a lovely teddy and big box of chocs. Then I was told by ds2 he had booked the tennis court for 10am. Thanks son haha! I'm just recovering after a nice bath and we're just heading to town for bowling then lunch. :)

OP posts:
cjel · 10/03/2013 13:45

Hooray, new life begins today.!!! I don't want to repeat myself but having been through really rough times I know that going through the tough times with a friend is important. Its a two way thing, you support each other,get strength from each other cry together etc. YOu haven't got to drain your friend and I don't think you sound the sort of person to do that but she will appreciate having you to chat to as well and will appreciate you valuing her enough to confide in her. I have a friend and we hadly new each other when our bad times exploded but over the last 18months we txt each other when we feel up or down that way if the other can't cope they can deal with it later or just drop a quick txt bk saying now isn't a good time, But its lovely to have that person. she will probably have to know your situation anyway and it won't be as big to her as it is to you the same as her mums cancer is so big to you as it is to her. Hope your tennis was good!!

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 10/03/2013 14:01

Wow, Alice, have just read your whole thread. What hell you have been through. So glad you got rid of this utter tool. Sad to read of your mother's reaction and lack of support Sad

Hope you and dcs have a great day today Thanks

Darkesteyes · 10/03/2013 16:17

Hi Alice my mum has very similar attitudes to yours. Hope you are having a great day with your lovely children.

JulietteMontague · 10/03/2013 16:34

Alice Does your friend know? if not I'm sure she would at least want to know. She might actually want to talk about something else, sometimes we assume someone going through something that bad will not want to be bothered but I do know that sometimes people just want to be treated 'normally'. I'm sure you are there for her too, if she can't cope with hearing about your troubles at the moment that's fine too, maybe you can be there for her she will not expect you to be on top form.

DistanceCall · 10/03/2013 17:01

Just read the entire thread. Amazing, and good on you on being so brave and resourceful.

Your comments about your mother and about feeling lonely (i.e. relatively unsupported by your family) and tired of being a walkover make me wonder whether perhaps you might consider getting some counselling/professional help? It's always good to get someone on your side to whom you can speak and offload. And it might help you to see patterns in your life which you hadn't noticed before. Personally, I found it tremendously useful.

tribpot · 10/03/2013 17:09

Totally agree with Juliette. Sometimes when you're dealing with bad family news it can feel like you're in a bubble when actually you'd rather just feel like part of the world. As long as your friend doesn't feel you're dumping on her, which I'm quite sure you wouldn't, I would tell her.